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FEAR GUILT AND ANGER
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FEAR GUILT AND ANGER

i have been reading some past posts and have noticed a thread running around in many of them. that is fear,guilt and anger.

i thing the worste tradgedy of hep c is that so many heppers waste so much of their time nursing these emotions. they are all SELF INFLICTED.

FEAR, to waste even one hour fearing something that probably will never happen is a crime. why ruin what time we have left on this earth?

GUILT, i was sick, i felt no more guilt than if i had a cold.

ANGER, at who. no one did this to me on purpose? why be angry and at who.

this is a day that GOD has given us to enjoy. ENJOY IT !
BOBBY
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28 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
Not to be disrespectful, but fear, anger and guilt are all normal emotions. I have experienced them all while txing and before i started tx. I don't consider this to be something that takes over my life, but i do have 4 kids and i was fearful that i might have passed this on to them. That fear is normal. I felt anger for the lifestyle and mistakes i made that cause me to get thid virus. And i feel guilt that my choices caused my family to have to watch me be so sick. Try explaining all this to a 7 year old. I love life to the fullest and i don't think i complain a lot about my situation, but i would be very concerned if i did not feel these different emotions. Thanks Anita
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi- I relate to what both of you said. I agree w/ Bobby on not wasting our lives feeling emotions that are selfdestructive and don't really help if they are like tapes that we play in our heads that keep us stuck in our past and shame. I do fel that God has given us the gift of today and we should try to enjoy it to its fullest.
  I also see what Snowbyrd is saying. We have to work thru certain emotions during different stages of dx, illness and tx. I too have kids and STILL worry about that slim chance that I infected them. And I do regret the past- I gotHep C from IV drugs and I just wish I'd been more careful. Anger, well sometimes I'm pretty much pissed at the world. So I think you both give a valuable point. Just my 2 cents worth. Hope everybody has a good day! -Dee
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Avatar_m_tn
i think this is a marvelous and healing place to express fear, guilt and anger.  

when i go to war with my thoughts and emotions - i lose.

eight years ago someone told me that what i resist persists. and what i accept, i.e fear, guilt and anger,  - i transcend.  these words changed my life.

unpleasant emotions and thoughts still crop up, but they no longer rule my life.

love

eric
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Avatar_m_tn
Anyone diagnosed with hepatitis C or B who isn't afraid is stupid. Fear is an emotion that motivates us to take action to avoid danger. HCV is the leading cause of liver transplantation and people actually do die from hepatitis so HCV can do and does do great harm. Now, the question of what action to take is an area of discussion and possible disagreement. But, to post:
"FEAR, to waste even one hour fearing something that probably will never happen is a crime. why ruin what time we have left on this earth?"
reflects a pollyannaish view that surely isn't shared by those of us to whom "it has happened" and hopefully good healthy fear will motivate us to do what we can to avoid more danger. That is not to suggest that we should become consumed by fear or allow ourselves to be paralyzed by fear. Of course we should live and cherish each day but at the same time we should educate ourselves and take whatever action we and our physicians believe will help us avoid further danger. And fear provides the motivation to do that and that's a good thing. Mike
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Avatar_f_tn
I assume you are not on treatment. Emotions are ampliphied on treatment. We can't help it, it's the meds. I don't get riba rage but I might start crying.
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Avatar_n_tn
i agree we all should be concerned but to let it take over and ruin our lives is wasteful.
i am afraid of getting hit by a truck but do not lay awake worrying about it. fear made me tx but did not overwhelm me.
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Avatar_m_tn
mikesimon says: "Anyone diagnosed with hepatitis C or B who isn't afraid is stupid.".

I would contend that not everyone has the same fear of death and it does not make them stupid to be content with their spirituality.
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148987_tn?1287809526
Ahhh my favorite emotions.

Actually, I've found this journey to be very positive in many ways. Because I've really sobered up for the first time in years, I have more clear thinking and yes, I do have a lot of guilt about things I have done/said to people in the past. I don't have guilt about having hepC at all. I feel sad about the lifestyle I lead that gave me the hepC. I have learned to forgive myself for the things I've done to others, and to myself.

Secondly, the fear I had when first diagnosed and started treatment is gone. There are several reasons for that I think. The main one being is that I cleared the virus. I can't say how I would feel if I had not or how I would feel if I relapsed. That is a bridge I will cross if I come to it. The treatment hasn't been as bad as I anticipated.

As far as anger goes, I had issues with anger BEFORE I knew I had hepC or started treatment. If anything, the illness has HELPED me with that by coming to some realizations, that are in part as I stated before, being sober.

Hey man, life is a project. You just do the best you can and try to be a better person than you were yesterday. To quote the great John Wooden, former UCLA basketball coach:

Success is not winning but being the best YOU can be.
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Avatar_m_tn
That is utter nonsense especially coming from someone who treated and suffered during treatment. So if you weren't afraid why did you treat? Was it curiosity? Fear is natural and fear and spirituality are in no way mutually exclusive. They can and often do coexist. You act like you've been close to death and that may be why you suggest comparative degrees of fear of death having some relationship to spirituality. I myself have been close to death on 2 occasions and I wasn't the least bit afraid. Death is death and it comes to all of us. But, suffering and becoming marginalized physically and/or mentally does scare me and a slow painful death does as well.  Mike
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Avatar_f_tn
Since diagnosis, I have definitely been one to become consumed with fear at times, and guilt, too.   Oh - the fear has motivated me, for sure, and it definitely got me on the run and to the right places to do the right things,  and it's given me a shove to do things I may have delayed doing, or... the fear has made me live a better life in many many ways.  But, it's ALSO a terrible feeling to be "consumed" with fear and to wonder every single day if some teeny new symptom is "the virus".  Hep C - while it's deadly for some and is the number one reason for transplants in the U.S. - is not deadly for most who have it, and I think (no... I know) I need reminding of that.  So, thanks, Bobby.  

Guilt?   Well, I think our level of guilt depends on what we've done in our lifetime and how we have lived it, or how we used to live it.  I have guilt.  Anyone who lived like I used to and didn't have guilt is a .... well - I don't know if it's possible to live guilt-free if you've done some things.  Maybe it is, but it's certainly not something I can claim I do not have - guilt.  Guilt also motivates, but it can make you miserable lamenting a past that can't be changed, and so I try to turn guilt into "try to live right today", and I do - live right.   I like to think my past made me a better person,  and it did.  But I still have guilt over it.  

Anger?  Yeah... at myself for...this virus, for how I got it, for the heartache I caused others back then.  No one else is angry at me, though - lol.   I mean -- all that mess happened decades ago!  

But anyhow..... thanks for the reminder that guilt, fear, and anger can take away from our day and can indeed be a waste of time.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh pleazzze, are you now trying to tell me that you know *my* mind, feelings, and emotions and that I don't?  When exactly did you ascend to the status of God, during one of your near death experiences?  

"So if you weren't afraid why did you treat?"
Firstly to try an avoid death by end-stage liver failure and secondly to hopefully remove the risk of infecting my family or others.  

"Was it curiosity?"
No, but then given your godhood status you should have already KNEW that.
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Avatar_m_tn
I did know - you were scared as anyone with any sense would have been. Fear is not a sign of weakness or a sign of a lack of faith. It is the natural response when faced with danger and that was my point. Mike
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148987_tn?1287809526
Speaking of fear, she just pulled into the driveway.
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Avatar_f_tn
Guilt, yes, I've have a lot of guilt for the life I led in my earlier lifestyle.  But, I believe that the Lord has forgiven me and it's give me the incentive to try to live differently.

Fear, yes, I've felt fear.  As a great spiritual leader and are country said, "I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of the process of dying."   I can relate to that.  I'd rather die of natural causes, peacefully in my sleep as opposed to a lingering death of slow causes like liver failure.  So, I fight.

Acceptance--I'm getting there.

Anger-at times.  I get angry when well meaning people are always trying to question my decisions like I'm a 5 year old instead of a grown woman w/a mind and insights and the ability to research my choices and the wisdom to pray and ask God for guidance.  I do get angry because it feels to me that certain people treat me like I'm wrong if I don't quit treating and go off and do the natural-alternative medicine thing.  I had that happen the other day with my hairdresser.  I didn't say anything to him, but I felt mad about that.  He was giving me his rather strong opinions about the whole subject.  People shouldn't question another persons choices in their own medical decisions.  

Mike-I think that you have been through so much with this illness and you do know all about these emotions w/being the transplant survivor that you are.  I admire your determination.

I also believe that the good Lord gave us our emotions.  He experienced them when he was here.  He got angry.  He got sad.   So, why would we be any different?    

Susan
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Avatar_n_tn
LOL......i took my shot a couple of hours ago.....woke up kinda in a fog.....saw your post and i can't stop laughing.  Thanks Anita
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Avatar_m_tn
I wish you the best possible outcome and I am going to believe you will get well. Mike
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Avatar_f_tn
all those feelings are normal and necessary to survive. but obsessing over them is not healthy or normal. like the saying; God gave me the knowledge to accept the things i cannot change the power to change the things i can and the wisdom to tell the difference. or something along thoses lines!!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
no i am not on tx now. i did 46 weeks and am svr. i know riba rage but i did NOT live in fear before, during or after tx.
these are GOD given emotions but to be kept in check and not meant to ruin our today.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for your testimony.  It's good to know I'm not the only one who would be labeled "stupid" here by some.  Like Missy I did feel anger and disappointment, but like yourself, I was not afraid, despite what some mind-readers claim.

I also recall more than once during tx when someone would ask how I was and I would reply "still here".  They then replied, "well every day you wake up above ground is a good day", to which I would reply, "I don't know considering where I would be if I wasn't on this side of the ground". I think you know what I mean.

For others it seems that it will remain the proverbial mystery on how anyone can not focus upon profitting to gain the world.
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Avatar_m_tn
You also once said it's a scary thing when you know you have this disease and you read about all the side effects. That's a paraphrase but it's very close. Check the archives and you'll see. You said you treated to "hopefully remove the risk of infecting my family or others." I can relate to the fact that you are afraid of infecting your family. So you probably took steps to insure that did not happen. I don't see why you took issue with what I said. Bobby said: "FEAR, to waste even one hour fearing something that probably will never happen is a crime. why ruin what time we have left on this earth?" I understood the thrust of that statement to be that nothing would come of this disease - like death or severe illness or transplant or infecting anyone else. When I speak of fear I am not referring to a trembling fright filled existence. I am referring to the realization that this disease is serious and dangerous and to think otherwise is foolish and stupid. And one can be spirit filled and joyous and religious too and yet still have fear and that's why we treat and work to get well. You have recently become concerned with your blood sugar. I call that fear but maybe I am a wimp. I am a diabetic and I don't quiver and quake and wring my hands. I work to control my blood sugar because I am afraid that if my blood sugar is uncontrolled I might go blind, suffer a stroke or lose a limb. If I was not afraid of those complications I probably wouldn't try to control my blood sugar but I do try because I am afraid. I almost feel as though this is a macho contest or a spiritual contest and that's just silly. I love life and I feel very fortunate to be here and I would like to stick around and be as healthy as I can. But, I'm still going to ride my motorcycles because I am not that scared ... or maybe I'm just stupid. Yeah, I probably am - or maybe I'm both. Have a good day but don't play with any brown recluse spiders please. Mike
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Avatar_f_tn
It's interesting that people feel guilt because IVDU may have caused their hcv.  Isn't this puritanism?  One out of three Americans is obese, but I doubt whether many of them feel guilt for having a disease that was caused by a lifestyle of food abuse.
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181549_tn?1277211196
I think that everyone is an individual.

Behavior is shaped and maintained by it's environment.

Everyone of us are at different stages in life.
Mike siomon, I pretty much agree with you.
I was devastated when I found out of my HVC. I'll be honest I found out in nov. of 2006,didn't believe(denial),I was angry.  Very angry and sad!
I'd say in the first month you didn't want to be around me.  I was pretty much drunk every chance I could get.  Yes I know, but I didn't care at the time.  I mean really how much more damage could happen.

My anger based on the fact , how in the hell did this happen to me!
I don't do drugs!  I only started drinking 3 yrs. ago.  I'm in my 2nd marriage and my children are all pretty much grown.  I finally can enjoy my life with my husband.  Travel,party,get crazy, and not worry about my children.

Talk about your life being turned upside down.
I was going to college.  Finally it was my turn to do something with my life and I had to quit.  Thanks to the sx.  I knew the possibilities of the sx., but I didn't think it was going to be this bad.  

I want to be cured!  I will do what it takes to make this happen and every feeling I had along the way is what gives me strength!

I could go on and on ,but why?  That's life and everyone has there different issues to be dealt with.
Thank you
Missy
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146021_tn?1237208487
Bobby, I agree with your last line completely. But we can't always think like someone else. You never experienced shame or embarrassment about hep c, I do. Fear? We're only human right? Very few can claim to not have fear of the unknown. Anger, it's pretty well displayed here daily, those who claim otherwise should re-read their posts!
Susan: I enjoyed all the posts, but yours touched me the most. Well spoken!
I-horn: To quote one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite people
"Life is not a race.....it's a marathon"
Bug
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Avatar_m_tn
I feel the same way about you. I have enormous admiration for you - and affection too. Mike
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Avatar_m_tn
I took issue with you labeling someone as being stupid if they don't experience fear, just as I take issue with any broadstroke label applied to others.

If you want to turn it into some kind of a pissing contest and spend all kinds of time browsing archives to dredge up any statement which may have been made in the past, then YOU WIN hands down!!!

Perhaps you're statisfied now, although I highly doubt it as one can go to through the archives and see over and over how you always seem to take umbrage with my posts and drag the it ad nauseum.  So be it as I really don't need it.  CYA and have a good life!
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Avatar_n_tn
i did not take you post as disrespectful but very considerate. we all just post our opinions and hope to not get blasted for them.
bobby
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Avatar_f_tn
Long horn you are so funny!!!!! Hey, with a sense of humor you can get through these NATURAL emotions.  I contacted Hep C from a blood transfusion in 1986 and put it on a back burner.... too much else going on and besides no symptoms no info no nothing at that time. Hep C took awhile to get a name and I went on for 20 years with other things on my mind.  Surgery in 06 brought the Hep C to my Doctors attention and I was directed to see a specialist.  One million copies of active viral chronic hep c. and a cure ... possible.  I took one day at a time.  No guilt feelings... I was a VICTIM.  I am  still on post treatment  & suffer from depression and the anger that goes along with it.  Not my fault, again.  I KNOW both anger and depression are due to Ribavirin and right now I have 2 more months of post treatment. I take Lexapro for depression and get angry when I get angry.  I ACCEPT whatever happens and everyday I take as a new one NOT PREDICTING  what it will be like.

It is very important to have had hep B shots.  HepB on top of C is VERY serious.  I just thought I would give everyone something to think about (not to worry... but rather to deal with}  I had never been given the shots.


With this Hep C or anything in life, you just deal with it and everyone is different.  Some people are natural worrriers and everyone knows that this is a waste of time.  But if you do not want to make the worrier very mad at you by saying, "Do not worry"  Just understand.

I just got through the funeral of my brother in law... Some know it all said to me, Don't cry."  "He is in a better place"  Some people do not make sense.  You feel what you feel.  Deal with emotions as best as you can and do not deny your feelings. I hope you go easy on yourself and realize that it is o.k.

A hug to all

A family went to Jerusalem and while there the Mother in law died.  The son in law was told that he could have her buried there for $500.00 or sent home for $1,500.  The son in law decided to have her sent home. " But why?," the undertaker asked , "It cost so much money?" "Well, you see 2,ooo years ago they buried a man here and he came back to life.  I don't ever want to see her again!!!!!" keep a sense of humor
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Avatar_m_tn
I'll try and I wish you a good life as well. Mike
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