From Joy to Depair in Two Days

[eureka254]

Two days ago I was elated to receive and share the news about my husband's undetected status 4-weeks post 139 weeks of treatment, but today it doesn't seem to really matter much.  Although he may have beaten the virus, despite all the effort it may not make much of a difference.

Today I received a copy of his CT-Scan, and I'm completely devastated.  How quickly my tears of joy two days ago are now tears of despair. There are several new tumors seen, and the previously stable tumors are growing again.  Ascites is increasing, and now there's pleural and lymph node involvement.  The phrase "likely metastasis" feels like someone punched me in the gut.  Those words leave me unable to muster up even a little of my usual optimism.

The added difficulty is that my husband does not know yet; we're not due to meet with the doctor until next Wednesday, and I'm feeling torn about divulging this new information.  Part of me feels guilty not telling him, but the other part of me wants him to enjoy the weekend and be happy for as long as he can be.  I'm not accustomed to keeping information from my husband, but it's hard to see any benefit to telling him now as opposed to waiting for the doctor's interpretation.  I know if he asks specifically if I've heard about the scan results it'll be hard to keep silent, but in the interim, I can't seem to bring myself to take away his positive attitude about being undetected ... at least not just yet.  

Struggling.
~eureka

[RCM829]

I'm guilty of checking in here infrequently so excuse my late response...
In a word, I'm devastated. You were such a positive influence for me during my treatment. My mood always brightened when I saw your name. I so hoped I could give even a small part of that back.
Please, please let me know if there is anything I can do. Won't you both come to California, perhaps in the cooler months, just to get away?
Robert.

[crossroadsec]

I'll be praying and sending hugs and vibes tomorrow that you will be experience supernatural peace and strength. xoxoxo Karen :)
You're such a kind heart. Thank you for reaching out to me in the midst of your own pain n struggles. That kind of generosity is always rewarded. May your's be to the 10th power!

[eureka254]

PS  My husband is one of those guys that's always late for things... alwlays behind schedule.  His quip as long as I can remember has always been... "I'm practicing to be late for my funeral."   So far his practicing has paid off :).

[eureka254]

n some aspects, this is a bit awkward as it's so very personal, but this forum has become like a family to me -- the folks who take you in with open arms when you have nowhere else to turn.  

It's been a long day today, but I'm really not anxious for tomorrow to come either.  It was a rather unusual day, though.  We actually felt a slight earthquake today in CT for the first time that I can remember (remnants of the Virginia quake today -- hopefully everyone from there is ok!). Some unusual excitement to distract me, which was good... not enough to do any damage, just cause lots of conversation.  

My husband was feeling good and out and about today :). It was one of those perfect New England summer days, and I'm glad he was able to get out and enjoy it.  

What my husband's been through and the battles we fought together made us both better people and stronger in our love for each other, so I am not bitter.  We enjoyed more time together than we ever thought we would have when he was first diagnosed in 07, so we've been so much more fortunate than most.  My hope is that maybe folks who don't understand what the final destination of progressive chronic hep c could be might read our story and benefit from it... maybe the effort we put in will work out for the good... better for someone out there, rather than not at all.  

Most of all, though, I found very little to encourage me when he was first diagnosed, and he's proof that a massive liver tumor does not mean death in 6 or 12 months.  Death is universal for us all in the end... the key is just making the most of your time here.

Praying that God and his angels in white coats will be merciful to us tomorrow. ~eureka

[Lifenet62]

Eureka, did the Dr tell you that is why they rescheduled??? Perhaps there is another reason...... Education is the key here and thank you for your inspuring and informative stories of love, hope and goodness.  The silence of this silent killer we ALL live or lived with is why some if us are where we are. God bless you and your husband. Your words are healing. Keep speaking.

[pommes]

Hi,
You don't know me since I joined this BB only recently, but I have been following your posts.      
I have been thinking a lot about you and your husband.   You have been doing everything possible, so far above and beyond what we as human beings are normally called upon to do.   Seems very wrong that such superhuman effort does not suffice to make things work out for the good.
The dr's appt is 4 pm tomorrow (Wed), is that right?   How are you?
Wishing you strength,
renata

[carol411]

Oh.  My thoughts and prayers are with you now as always.  This news has me stunned to almost silence.  Hugs.  

[22hamilton]

I am following your trial with a lump in my throat eureka, I hope you find strength from inside and some comfort from the many people who are wishing you through this.

<<<<>>>>

Paul  (uk)

[willing]

like chewing glass. It's good your son knows. If you weren't strong enough to carry this weight you wouldn't be doing it.

[adamben101]

I'm sorry to hear this.  Sending my prayers for you both!

[eureka254]

It's as if each one of your posts is a helping hand picking up the pieces to put me back together again ... your kindness and compassion has helped me so much the last few days, more than any of you could possibly know.

My husband has been sleeping quite a lot, and it's so strange that last week, I was glad for it, thinking he needed the rest because of his anemia... but this week, it makes me sad because I'm seeing it as a symptom now.  How wonderful now it seems, that bliss of ignorance.

It's so good to see him happy, still excited about his undetected status, talking about how positive thinking helped him so much... asking me to make sure to post to everyone here how even against all odds you can beat this virus... God, it was so hard to keep smiling... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling as bittersweet.

I did call my son this weekend who lives in Alabama to tell him the news, and it was a relief to hear that he agreed with me about waiting it out until the appointment.  It was still very disturbing to get the call this morning from the doc's secretary this though, asking us to move his Wednesday appointment from 1:00pm to 4:00pm ... I could felt my heart sinking at that request, but of course I agreed... it's not the delay that unsettled me so much as recognizing that they've rescheduled it so my husband is the doctor's last patient of the day...

[nygirl7]

I'm sorry I am late to posting my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband.
Try to continue to have faith and realize how many of us are praying for you both.

This just ***** there are no words for it and I am just so unbelievably sorry for your pain.

deb

[coeric]

Thank you for your words at this heart wrenching time. I am experiencing cirrhosis and dragging my heels on stating treatment.  You and your husband's experience is motivating me to get off the fence. My prayers are with you both.
Blessings
Eric

[jsf52]

I am sorry to hear about this news.  You both are in my thoughts.  Your strength and the support and caring of others will help to fight this new battle.
jsf52

[smaug48]

I am so sorry to hear this, Eureka...you and your husband are such strong fighters, you have to continue to fight - you have a lot of people rooting for you

[OC]

I'm so sorry!

You're both in my thoughts and prayers...

[lapis]

I have been away and have returned to read this post with such sadness and compassion  for what you and your husband are going through.  Hearing your story is one more motivation for me to do what I can to educate others about testing and treatment.  For years I kept silent about this disease but no more.  When I do speak to others, it will be in honor of you and your husband, Hector and OrphanedHawk, Goofydad and Mikesimon, and other friends I've known who have died or are now suffering with cirrhosis and HCC.  I pray that some good solution will arise from the Tumor Board and some tx will be instituted which will be successful for him.  Best to you both,
Lapis

[Proactive]

So very sad to hear this news from here as well Eureka, wishing you continued strength through all of this, Your strength and compassion should be a model for all to learn and live by..
Pro

[orphanedhawk]

Wow, how devastating.
May you enjoy whatever time you have together.
Enjoy the blue of the sky, the taste of something yummy, the warmth of your shared love.

We never ever know how much time any of us have in this here life.
Hold him and give him the very best you can.
My best wishes for you both through this difficult time.

OH

[mikesimon]

I feel so very badly for you and your Husband.
I have to say you really are an incredible woman.

Mike

[IAmTheWalrus]

This is devastating news for you and all the people here who care about you and your hsuband. My sincere thoughts and prayers go out to you both. I wish there were more I could do. All I can offer is my support.

Brent

[streamline569]

I don't know what to say but I'm so sorry. Hopefully the doctor will be able to give you some hope. Prayers for you and your husband.

[susan400]

I don't have the right words to say.  I am so sorry that you have this burden on your shoulders and the weight of not knowing what to do with regards to keeping it from your husband.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.  ((  ))   Susan400

[babs824]

eureka dear; i am left speechless by this turn of events and even more so by your generosity in turning this into a lesson for others. u have no idea of the numbers of sufferers who have benefited from your ongoing outreach as you battle this illness with your husband. if there is any  comfort i expect the friends here are the warmth u can count on as you move forward. this is surely a one day at a time moment for u both. maybe one hour. of course u are in my thoughts and prayers. i fear we are often given more than we can handle and we somehow find the resources to make it thru another day. i hope u will lean on others for strength as u have given so much. it is your turn to  be helped. wishing u comfort and strength during this most difficult time. warmly, babs824