Hepatitis and DEATH

[Mordred]

Good example of question for subject? What idiot thought that one up? So someone worried about problems is discouraged to log on with that question? Sorry I haven't been around for such trivial ****. I was busy watching two friends being lowered into the ******* earth within a ******* week of each other. Hep got one. The other died in my ******* arms in the hospital from suicide rather than give up his lifestyle. I've cried until no more ******* tears can come out. I have holes in my ******* walls from slamming my fists into them. I've managed to keep myself from going completely insane thanks to many xanax and oxycontins; along with not enough drinks yet. I keep hearing that final breath. ****! I hate God! I know he's up there laughing. *******!! I have a nail appointment. I need to get to it. Hair after that. I have gray roots coming in. ******* God. I sound like a mumbling wreck. I'm fine. Just need to keep busy. Nails,,late. Bye

[Forseegood]

Gee, what can I say? we either try or don't try and give up.It's anyone's call.

[snook_man]

Excellent example of "weakness"...

Nothing in this world is a gaurantee.. And nothing or noone is perfect.. Life throws all kinds of "hardships", and "trials" in our paths.. Its how YOU deal with them that determines YOUR faith..

Don't come on here whinning about BS.. Yes, that is just BS.. We all have our problems, we have all lost friends.. I just had two of mine shot in the head with a 6 gauge shotgun over an argument..

There is evil in the world, and these things are bound to happen. The only way to overcome them, is outlive them!! Focus on the positives and quit dwelling on the negative.. Drugs are about the stupidist thing you could possibly do right now, but from your previous posts, who would expect anything intellectual out of you? You have chosen the path you wish to follow, so there is nothing anyone of us can do to help you.. When you REALLY want advice, when YOU really want to change, when YOU really want to address YOUR problems, repost and we''ll offer YOU support!!

You need to seek immediate phsyciatric help!!!!
Good luck.

[Honey15637]

Wrong post or thread to start.  You need to take your F@@@@@ up anger elsewhere! This is a forum for support and all people come here.  Show some respect for the forum if not for yourself!  Snook said it well....Get Some Help Mordred.

[LvdByGod!]

dear mordred, i'm a so sorry to hear of this with your friends...i can't imagin what your going through...it must be so hard...i can only cry out in prayer for the pain your experiencing...believe it or not the Lord loves us and hates death for any of us...the bible says that death is our last enemy.

don't forget with God this life on earth is meant to be only the beginning...we have our whole eternity in front of us and that was always meant to be our "real life" anyway...we're meant to only be here for a short time (some longer than others) and then our real life begins in heaven with God and each other...this life is only a bridge to that which is glorious and yet to come...

he loves you too mordred and wants your new name to be morpeace...please cry out to Him in your anger about this he loves you and understands...cause he hates death too...no one including yourself is sadder about the consequence of death besides God...he originally never wanted it but you remember adam and eve...death is all of our fates before everlasting life and joy can be given to us...even here on earth in the fall and winter the leaves fall off and die but later new life springs up...

[Califia]

Mordred,  in my cultural tradition we cover the mirrors after a death to discourage vanity and to keep the mind trained on higher spiritual matters.   There is much wisdom in this, I  believe.    Maybe you can take out a week to really feel your pain and grief.   Lose it , if you have to.     Go inside, feel it to your very core.   Hair and nails can wait.

[LvdByGod!]

calif that is an interesting practice...to cover the mirrors to prevent vanity...with us humans that seems like a great idea...

[Laika]

When you see your young friends dying, this should be a giant red flag about their so-called "life style".  It is "death style", in fact.  Don't get too hooked on the drama.  Life just goes on, and you need to concentrate on what you're going to do to get yourself into a better situation:  no self destruction of any kind allowed.  Feel awkward?  feel scared?  feel unprepared to compete in the world?  Guess what...everyone else does too.  How will you ever learn who you are and what you're capable of if you play these silly self-destructive games?  How does that make anything better long term?  How many old cool people do you know who do self destruction?  hmmm not too many, I bet.  It doesn't look that good on you when you get past your tender years, and people get impatient with you being an idiot.  So plan for the future...move in a direction that will bring you wisdom some day.

[Mordred]

First off to snookman: Go **** yourself with your comment about anything intellectual coming from me. Your arrogance is pathetic! I needed a few hours just to try and collect my thoughts. Keeping my hair and nail appointments may seem shallow, or completely insane to most of you with what I'm dealing with right now. But it gave me some time to help me sort out a few thoughts. I thought posting my message on your site might give me a few positive message responses. I can only tell you my shock when I read the replies I received. I thought I had little emotions left. Now I wonder if any of you are capable of feeling emotion. One of you said I need psychiatric help. Another said they had two people they knew who were shot in the face and killed. I believe someone said to just deal with it. Sorry! I've never had a ******* friend who died while I was right beside him in a goddamned ******* hospital! Don't any of you dare pass judgement on me for deciding to drink or pop a pill to cope with this. Don't you dare tell me to pray. I don't practice your religion. And it looks like I made a mistake when I logged onto your site as well.

[new-sojourn]

I was wondering when you would drop in w/ alittle drama, you little old goth drama queen you!  welcome to the real world...reality is the ultimate goth isn't it?  all death, despair and gloom.

[snook_man]

If you can not handle the truth, do not ask.. Life is rough, the choice is yours, how you want to deal with it..

Intellectual, yeah the comment was directed SOLEY at you!! You have posted sooo many times on this board about your alcoholism, your inability to stay away from the "night life", and your continued drug abuse.. All this after knowing your diagnoses, watching your friends die, and knowing doing this destruction to yourself daily.. So yes, I will say it again... I would expect nothing shy of the ignorance you exuded in the post above.. Continue your self destructive life, as that is what YOU choose to.. No one else can steer you from it.. No one else can tell you need to stop, only YOU are capable of that..Only YOU can see the destruction of alcohol and drugs, and only YOU can choose to make the change.

I have one question for you, do you want your friends death to be meaningless? Why not make the change for them? Why not use their death to better yourself?

[cuteus]

continue the oxycontins and alcohol and you might just get to see your friends in a near future.  
You expected support after such ranting? We are not God to work miracles on you..
.what do you want for yourself...LIFE or death?
make a choice and then  live accordingly.

I wish you some peace and serenity

[carolhab]

look mordred, first, your posts are extreme, and we all know there are those who do like to 'flame' around in forums, so you have to acknowledge that some people might not totally believe your story (none of us know anything about you but your posts). I will assume what you say is true.  Obviously, you have triggered a lot of anger, pain, AND some compassion from these folks here.... We are ALL dealing with a life-threatening illness, or know someone who is, or we wouldn't be here...  We are here to help each other, and some of the comments are crude and tough, but maybe we all had people like you in our lives that we saw suffer and die (for me, it was many of my friends from AIDS).  Life certainly is not fair, but we do have choices to make every day.... All of us here are making a choice to live, and fight for our health and lives.  I hope you pull yourself out of this, and if you need help dealing with tx, side effects, reading labs and biopsies, this is the best place to be....

[LvdByGod!]

yes, i know all about self medication and pain...it is tempting to handle things in this way but then we end up in the same situation we hate...destruction...

i pray for you...i can understand doing nail and hair to take your mind off things...that is a better way to try to move on...and take a break from the pain...

i think you would do well to find someone who can walk with you in this pain...if not us than i pray God will provide you with someone you can go to...you are a very hurt soul and i pray for you that you will see God Himself reach out to you and you will feel His love...

mordred, i didn't mean to offend you with my talk of God...you brought Him up so i thought you believed in Him even though you are mad at Him right now...

also folks here are very caring and to see them this upset is hard...they have talked to you before and they must feel it's time for some "tough love"...addiction calls out for tough love...

your attitude and words are on the "abusive hurtful" side...most don't take abuse well and shouldn't...when you get on the path to healing, you will see you were hurting others by some of your words...and we will gladly forgive you and try to help you through...

your in my prayers, sandi

[couchpotato]

Okay, you have come here and vented. You have ranted and you have raved. You are more than pissed off at the world. Your language doesn't shock me and your message has come through loud and clear. I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest. Now,,, are you ready to fight for yourself???? Are you going to be a wimp and roll over and die or are you going to be a WARRIOR???????? Your choice. It's either the easy one or the one that takes guts and courage. What's it going to be?

[miked]

Wow....I read Mordred's post yesterday and turned it over in my mind a few times.  Sounded to me like Mordred and friends have not given up the party lifestyle which most likely accelerated the HCV process for her friends.
Mordred....I would recommend that you read Naomi Judd's book, "Breakthrough Guide: 20 Choices to Transform Your Life"

[Amerabrit]

I am terribly sorry for the loss of your friend..   How wonderful that you were with your friend at the end and that he/she did not die alone; you gave a great gift by being there.  
Your friend's last gift to you might be that you learn from his/her mistakes?
Life is all about choices, Mordred.  Take some time, re-assess your life and think about your choices.
Very best of luck to you.

[snook_man]

Man, we're making some real progress here.. Hell, we're good friends and all. I knew you loved my politics, come on, admit it..

Man, this damn dragon has been on the burner for awhile!! I'm not letting loose till he is dust! Wait a minute, I just might like this interferon as much as you? Man, now wouldn't that be sick?

Top of the morning to ya'

[DebbieDo]

A very moving post, I hope Mor reads it and learns from it......
              Deb

[twotells]

Mordred, You've been on my mind alot since I saw your post.  Well-meaning but mindless sympathy probably feels better than what you've gotten here, but the truth spoken here is far more compassionate.
Revenire,  You've said what I was feeling and said it so well, thanks.
Everyone who responded here has been through so much and seen so much but somehow grew from it- that's an inspiration to me.  Thanks,  Dave

[doll face]

Mordred, It is kind of hard here to give you sympathy when there are people out there like " Bystander" that unlike you,have given thier all to beat this disease. You have chosen the path that you are on and only you can change it.

Rev& Snook- You have summed up  very well what a lot of us are thinking.