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320576 tn?1204083693

Husband in denial - Hep C positive

Hello,

It has been awhile since I have posted.  My husband was dx with Hep C in October.  We went to see the GI doc and he said that looking at a copy of a CT scan or MRI of his abdomen that they took when he had kidney stones in November that his liver looked good.  They did some bloodtests to check for geno type and viral load etc and told him to check back after the first of the year to talk about treatment as the CDC recommends most undergo treatment.

I called once to get the results, but they never called me back, I just left them another message.

The problem is my husband was of course scared to death when he first found out.  He has always been a drinking man until he had a seizure in Sept and they said it was because of his drinking, so he quit....that was it.  They also found that his liver enzymes were elevated and eventually diagnosed Hep C.

So....now here we are in Feb and he acts like nothing has happened.  He has also started drinking again.  He knows I dont approve, so he is hiding it.  He gets a quart of beer on the way home and then gets rid of the bottle, I even have found cans in the trash and a bottle under the bed.  I can tell when hes been drinking and now it seems most times it makes him really tired and hot and he has to go lay down.  I ask what is wrong and he says he is just tired and wont look me in the eyes.  I have told him I wont buy beer for you, but I am not your Mother so I cant tell you no, it is your body, liver and brain.

I love him, but I dont know what to do.  I told him I thought it was okay to have a drink on special occasions like his birthday, new years ect, but to sip it, not down it.  I am trying not to judge him because I know it is a disease and an addiction and it is his way to cope with things, but I also know they wont treat him if he is drinking.  

Now he is also constantly bent over kind of sideways leaning to his left and says its his middle back that hurts, but he is just stiff.  It also seems to mean that he is suffering from brain fog.  We have been together 20 years and in the last year he just seems to be slower in conversation and often has a hard time just asking a simple question.  He forgets little things alot, but mostly he just seems kind of like an air-head.  Our boys dont know, they are 15 and 12, but they have commmented and joked about it and I can see sometimes they get frustrated with him.  He is also itching a lot and has the skin condition Granuloma Annulare which I read is associated with Hep C, he has had this since I knew him.

I just dont know what to do.  I constantly worry about getting Hep C from him, so sex is pretty much non-existent and that makes hubby mad.  He wont go out anywhere because he cant drink so that pretty much cuts me off because we live in a rural area, so now we have no social life, just when our boys were getting old enough to start enjoying things again.  Oh, and he doesnt want ANYONE to know that he has Hep C, so you guys are the only ones I can talk to.

I feel so bad because I find myself getting mad, and then I feel like......oh well, he is a grown man (just turned 45, got Hep C about 25 years ago) and he needs to deal with this, but I know he is scared.  He used to be so healthy, never sick and in great shape.  Now I watch him try to play frisbee with the boys and he runs very clumsy and looks stiff, where he used to be fast and agile.  Maybe its just age, but seems to be more noticable in the last year, that and the brain fog issue.

I guess I am not really asking any specific question, just needed to "talk" to someone, its so hard to carry this around and not be able to share.  We were already struggling relationship wise before all this happened, so now I have that guilt as well.  I want to stick by him and help him through this, I know it will be hard, but I know if we really try it can and will bring us closer, I mean we just celebrated (yeah right) 20 years on Feb 21st.  But I dont want to be the one to push him through everything, make all the appointments ect, is that wrong?  I think he needs to do this, so I havent said or done anything after the GI appt, so he could feel in control, but he has done nothing.  I am wrong, should I just take control of all his treatment, tell him when he will start etc...but then again, he is drinking...can you tell I am confused.

Thanks for letting me ramble, maybe I should have just put this in a personal journal instead of here.  Any advice...anyone?  I am hoping they will call me back with his geno type and such so at least I can know that.

Thanks all,

K-HepJourney
48 Responses
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233616 tn?1312787196
yu've already gotten such good advice there's not much I can add...
except that you get our prayers......

one thing that may help is to read up on the 4 stages of grief.
everyone has to go through a period of denial and rage before they get to grief and acceptance. Alcohol is just a means of running and staying stuck because emotions are hard to confront.
You might get further along the resolution road if you can try to make the focus just talking about solutions and feelings, even if it does take time and patience.

example: right today you could ask the doctor to put him on Lactulose, a simple indigestable sugar that helps move the poops along. Three movements a day should do a lot to clear his brain fog...the fog is caused by too much ammonia in the system and the Lactulose helps remove that excess.

Maybe then in due time you can sit together and discuss love, life, death, denial, etc.
By the time his brain unfogs, you can explain to him the stages of grief.

sometimes it helps to realize it is just normal to try and avoid talking or thinking about stuff...especially stuff that's life threatening...and like someone pointed out, this disease is treatable.

Someone has to take the time to try to get through to him, and that someone is you.  It may be, that in the end you can't reach him, but I'd never give up on a 20 year marriage before the old college try had been administered ad nauseum.
Are you and hubby believers in God? that can make a difference. You can pray and seek pastoral help if you are. (I'm a lay pastor so feel free to use me if so inclined).
  
In any case it is hard, so hard....yet you yourself in his shoes might be fearful and sad about the kids, the pain, and 20 other issues....so try to help him sort it out.
Certainly there are those beyond reaching, but for everyone like that there's another that can make the turn around given that a good samaritain stops and is merciful.
My best to you both
maryB
Helpful - 0
320576 tn?1204083693
Thank you Kalio and Forsee... you are both so kind and caring to take the time to share such incredible experiences.  I am learning a lot and it is helping me to pressure him forward.

Thanks again to all.  I am going to see about him changing Drs.  I have called twice asking for tests results and they have never called me back.

I told hubby I will go to appts with him, but he has to call and make the appointments, he knows what days are best and when he can get off work.  If I dont have something I have to do, then I will be there, but as his support person, not his caretaker.

Thanks again,
K
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86075 tn?1238115091
so good to see you posting again, I might not always agree with you (bug I usually do for the most part anyway) but you have interesting posts that are informative...you know? I thought you were almost at cirrhosis, no? but not cirrhosis...anyway, you might even be lower then that now....best of luck to you, so GLAD you svred!
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Avatar universal
That was a great post Kalio. I hope all is well with you. Mike
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Avatar universal
Well that is great progress if you ask me! He has agreed to seeing the doc ( I would strongly recommend you see a different doc preferably a Heptologist and NOT the guy he has seen already) because they are experts with LIVERS and that is vital. It really gets my goat that so many of these dufus docs act so casually towards Hep C! It is the NUMBER ONE reason for liver transplant in America today, you'd think they'd take it seriously! It is costly to treat however, and like it or not, cost is on their minds.

As to him going to AA, if you start going to AlAnon ( and I recommend the kids going too if you can swing it) and go regularly, you might see him progress towards getting himself to AA faster. It is HIS thing, you have said your piece, now he has to take responsibility.

I totally relate to your 20 year marriage issues, been there! But, I did what I had to do at the time, as incredibly painful as it was, which was to leave. Our issues weren't alcohol, they were long standing issues over his Mother's suicide before I was ever on the scene, but the issues did force me to seek help and to actually leave for a time while he worked it out. Our marriage is MUCH stronger because of it, much stronger because I faced it and ACTED, my actions caused a reaction, which was him taking responsibility. This really did wake him up. At first his attitude was "yeah, go ahead and go and don't let the door hit you in the a**!) but that quickly turned into " HELP don't go! and he got into counselling, and we will celebrate 30 years of marriage soon.
Losing 210 lbs. is such an incredible accomplishment that I KNOW you have the strength to face this and get through it. You should be incredibly proud of yourself, that is amazing. I don't even know you and Im proud of you!
His platelets are pretty good! That is a relief. By the time I finally was diagnosed, by platelets were below 70.
Now if he gets the biopsy you will have the info. you need to move forward. He is only 45! He can get through this and he CAN get well, he has his whole life before him. I had to treat twice, like many here, but I beat it and I have cirrhosis, so stay positive. It is not true that you can not treat with cirrhosis as someone said above, you can treat and you can beat this devil virus, I know, I did it as have many others here.
This is something he can beat.
  I would not allow him to drive the kids EVER if he has had a seizure and is drinking. I am suprised he is allowed on the road, that is a bit scary!
I learned over many years of marriage that no amount of begging and pleading got my husband to deal with issues, the only thing that worked was me acting on MY issues that arose from his. When I did that, changes started to happen.
When I was finally diagnosed correctly with Hep C, I wasn't a big drinker but I stopped drinking that day. Hubby kept drinking. I never said a word. Within a year, he'd stopped altogether, all on his own accord. He wasn't an alcoholic, but worked construction and drank a lot of beer. Now he drinks mineral water, and he says he likes it better. He told me
he thought all those years he drank beer he realizes now he was just thirsty. LOL

You hang in there, your marriage can survive these challenges and it might even become a whole lot better!
STAY POSITIVE. I am sure you know all about doing that, anyone who has gone through that kind of weight loss knows a lot about staying positive!
Please keep us posted.

Helpful - 0
86075 tn?1238115091
I hope youre not interpreting this as a 'how-to' manual as to how to proceed, it isnt...that's why at Al-anon they don't tell you to do, 1...and then 2....and then 3....it's not that easy and laid out, to me anyway...we all have to deal with the particular circumstances in our particular circumstances, there is no one size fits all...of course I think, it's a good idea to accompany him to docs, help him out...in the beginning for sure...like I keep on saying, people can surprise you for the better, and maybe a switch will turn on in his head, and he very well might "get it and help himself too." He does need your support. Sorry if I sounded too dour or pessimistic...didn't mean to....

But as you learn more and more about this kind of stuff, you realize that there is a point that you get to when you cross over from helping to enabling...that's all that I want to point out to you...

once you are in an enabling (and I don't mean to imply that you are going to get there either, only you know your life) mode, you remove any personal responsibility from the alcoholic...and you help infantilize him...which makes him feel worse about himself, and more resentful...and more needy, and all those feelings in the alcoholic will, oftentimes, make him feel *more* like drinking, oddly enough...so the spiral goes around and around...and oddly enough, you can harm someone with too much *kindness,*

No good deed goes unpunished with this type of syndrome...I"ve seen it so many times I can't count...people even do this with their own children...I take care of a girl who is 18 years old because both her mother and father are alcoholics, drug addicts and do not take responsibility for her, so I did. I'm helping her get through high school, and she's indeed graduating this summer. She needed someone, so I took her in.

Her grandmother, the mother of her father...takes Erin sometimes, and I have to help undue the potential damage that this woman has done to Erin, all in the name of love and good intentions, whenever she stays over her grandmother's house. She did this to Erin's father, her own son. And she still learns nothing from her mistakes. Probably because she is dealing with her own issues, course, we all have issues.

I'm trying to make Erin a self-sufficient, productive young woman who can take care of herself, and get through college or trade school, etc...so when she's here, she needs to get up at a certain time, do chores, do homework, help with things, I even have her help with neighbors that I might be helping, so she can learn to give back. I teach her to be punctual and kind and respectful to other people and herself. If she wants something, she has to earn it in some way, to show her that most good things come from work. And of course, I'm not Colonel Klink, she often has fun and goes out with her friends too....I've turned around a girl who had a third grade education, didn't know how to use a fork and knife...washed maybe once a week....when I got her it was like she was raised with wolves. She would sleep 12, 14, 16 hours due to depression and boredom and lack of motivation to do most anything. Won't see it's been easy, of course not, but it's been gratifying, and it's helped to get my mind of myself as well.

When she stays with her grandmother, her grandmother does absolutely EVERYTHING for her, she never has to pick up a dish cept to eat off it. Her grandmother waits on her hand and foot, brings her food in bed, and Erin doesn't even look up from her video game....that she can play all day if she wants to. She won't wake her because she says the girl "needs her sleep" so she lets Erin sleep for 14, 15 hours. Erin is not made to do anything there, only pleasurable things and eating and sleeping. Erin calls all the shots there, and disrespects her grandmother in the process. She hardly ever disrespects me, kids are smart and they pick up on things, she might know that her grandmother is doing her no good by all this.

Is it any wonder why this woman raised a drug addict? Erin's father? Erin's father is a 46 year old man, but his grandmother pays most of his bills, and takes care of most of his responsibilities...if he gets a DUI, his mother pays it, pays for the car tow and court costs, etc, and gets him a new car. As you can see, Erin's grandmother is literally killing her own son with kindness, enabling him in almost every way. How can he ever grow up with a mother there to keep him a baby? This guy is 46 and acts like a 14 year old. I don't want her to do this to Erin, so I try to counter-act it, and then let it go, and hope for the best.

And of course, I'm sure most of us could think of couples where the man or the woman  crosses the line from help and love - to enabling. That's all I was pointing out. Your situation might be very different, I was just giving you examples. Please support your husband. Of course. All I was saying, and some others I see is....support and love, but if you get to enabling, try not to cross that line cause it could do more harm than good.

When it gets to that, everyone is better off if you "let go with love" and hope for the very best. That's all I'm saying. I do wish you the best, for you and your whole family. And of course, this is just my take after dealing with my own demons with this stuff a long time ago.
Helpful - 0
264233 tn?1216342315
one and the most important issue with alcohol/addiction is admitting that we have a problem.  when an alcoholic is in denial there is not a lot anyone can do. depending on what or how drastic the alcoholic has progressed in thier addiction a medical facility could be needed to help the alcoholic threw withdraws. i believe it was said earlier that unless the alcoholic wants help it is useless for a loved one to do anything for the alcoholic. i pray your hubby gets help there are very good aa groups that are available in most cities.

i also agree that seeking out al-anon would be very helpful.  it will help you to see how to deal with and understand the alcoholic better,  and will help to build a good support system as well.

i will keep you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers. please keep us all informed.

p,s,  insanty is defined as "doing things over and over and expecting different results".
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You know I was going to skip this thread but I'm glad I didn't because I do want to contribute.  So often people have to "give up something" when their health is threatened - it could be food in the severely obese, it could be alcohol for the alcoholic, drugs for the drug addicted, cigarettes for some....you have to know having lost all that weight what it is like to give up something.  You had to dig deep I'm sure.  Your husband is most likely coping with that situation right now. Keeping him moving with the docs is the best thing you can do for him.  He may very well choose his own health over a condition that can be life threatening...for some that ephiphany can occur in an instance, for some they have to mull it over and build the inner strength and will power.  You husband may or may not be an alcoholic, you probably know the best.  All you and the doctors can do is help him as best as you can, discover within himself the "lightbulb" to make a life style change or at best put a date on the calendar to start the process of fixing what ails him (that sounds corny, but you know what I mean).
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Avatar universal
I think you have a very good handle on the reality of your situation and what you need and want to do about it.  That comes through very clear to me.  It also seems that you are not in any denial about this and that you have the resolve to do what needs to be done.  Yesterday you went from having a husband who refused to acknowledge anything to one who is at least dialoguing with you about his health and is open to taking some steps.  That's a great start.

Perhaps it's the optimist in me.. or the person who never gives up hope until reality slaps me right up HARD in the face....but I see hope for all of you here.

I wish you the very best and I DO hope for good things to come out of this one way or another for you, your husband and your boys.

Trish
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179856 tn?1333547362
That is what I hope for, but I am also aware of the reality as well.
------------------


We are all hoping for you too sweetie.  Believe me.
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233002 tn?1316027966
I read your plight with great compassion. I topld my boss about this and his comment was one simple: the likelihood that there is only a bottle of beer ( qt or not) is about 0.
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320576 tn?1204083693
Forsee,

One thing is clear is that each person/couples journey is uniquely their own.  We can all share and offer support, but we much each make our own way through this.  I do know that I can and will handle this.  I may not like it or would have chosen it, but it is destined to be part of who I am.  But that doesnt mean that I have to let things just happen.  I know I have a say in this whole process and believe me, I will have it.

I dont intend to do everything for my husband, but I have told him I will be at every appointment and support him as best I can.

What is great about all these posts is that it highlights the diversity and shows the progession of the situation if I dont do anything.  

I so appreciate evereyone share such personal and painful experiences and I have learned something and gained a new sense of urgency to push him forward into recovery, not only from Hep C, and alcohol, but in recovering the life we once had, we a deeper sense of each other.  That is what I hope for, but I am also aware of the reality as well.

Thanks so much all,

K
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86075 tn?1238115091
what are you talking about???? anybody the least bit "touchy" here???? naaaaaaah:)
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179856 tn?1333547362
you nut we know what you meant.....but you are right about qualifying the statement I betcha somebody would have ended up yelling like crazy!  :)

i would agree though honestly as a group...we do tend to know more than the average bear, a lot of us either are addicts or ex-users and it is so rare to get that "gift".
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86075 tn?1238115091
qualifier...I don't mean to suggest that everyone is an alcoholic, when I said the gift of sobriety, I meant for *alcoholics*....I am fully aware that many people are just casual or social drinkers, and are not alcoholics...I find that if I don't qualify my statements sometimes I end up offending people...
Helpful - 0
86075 tn?1238115091
wow...all I can say, what doesn't kill us....you know the rest, and youre one of the strongest people I know, I can't even imagine what that must of been like...and of course youre right when you talk about "wet alcohol brain" Ive had to deal with that more than once dealing with my younger sister....Al-anon saved my bacon with her, and a prior boyfriend....

I hope Hepcjouney realizes that we aren't just talking about these issues cause we know them in the abstract, I'm sure most everyone on this thread has been there, and knows this this is like, to varying degrees...it's terrible what demons some people have to contend with just inside themselves, and like was said, not everyone does get the gift of sobriety, but fortunately some do, thank God....

so sorry that you have been through this, but the upshot is that you can share your hope and experience with someone else here, on the chance that they benefit from your experiences...if you were here I'd give you a hug! thanks so much for talking about this...
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320576 tn?1204083693
Thank you for sharing your very personal and tragic experience.  I have talked to my husband and we will see what happens.  He does plan to get the biopsy and says he will call the Dr's.  I also did mention AA to him and he didnt say no.

We are just starting this journey so we know we have a lot to prepare for.  My kids do know that their Dad has some problems, we did not hide that from them and I have talked to them about his drinking.  I will do what has to be done if needed.

Thanks again and take care,
K
Helpful - 0
179856 tn?1333547362
I've been hesitant to add anything because as you will see your post hits very close to home for me.

The man I married was diagnosed before I met him in about 1986 with hep non-a non-b which is now called hep c.  He continued to drink and party like crazy and got into all sorts of trouble. I finally left him in 1995 but we never divorced. I knew if we did it would push him over the edge. He never treated his hep.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago and did 72 weeks - one year later I am SVR.

This past summer when I refused to let him move back in with me and told him it was indeed time to proceed and get divorced he got very drunk that night and hung himself on my front porch. I didn't know until the police woke me up in the morning. He's hung himself with an extension cord and was hanging there all night into the daylight when someone saw him.  I thought he went into the guest room and went to sleep.  I can only thank God my kids (almost 17 & 19) weren't home and did not see what I unfortunately saw.

He never treated his diseases - either of them. Oh he went in and out of rehab constantly but never could curb his desires. In the end they got him. I don't believe he had much of a liver left at that time and his back ALWAYS hurt him so he'd take pills and dope and drink on top. As you can imagine not having much liver function at all the booze really just made him crazy, his liver couldn't process it the way a healthy persons might I suppose.

You are left with few options.  Either he gets help or most likely he'll end up dead one way or the other.  As his liver continues to decompensate from the tremendous attack it is under he will get worse and worse. You and your children will be there dealing with it.  Do you know the expression wet brain? That's permanent brain fog. If he's not treating he doesn't have 'brain fog' we get that from the meds...it's a different thing really.

You have to take a serious look at how much of this you want your children exposed to. Dad dead on a porch or dad dead or in transplant - the way he's going right now there aren't any other forseeable futures. Take it from me, I prayed, I begged I did everything I could but nothing worked.

If he won't see what the alcohol is doing to his liver and brain - prepare for the worst.  It's sounds harsh but it's an obvious outcome.

I'm hoping that you get help for yourself and your children from Alanon and Alateen and do what you can for yourselves.  You can try to change him but if he does not want to...he just won't.

God bless you. I pray that somehow he sees how serious this is and does something about it.  It IS that serious.

Good luck.
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320576 tn?1204083693
Thank you again, everyone here gave me a little of what I needed.  I know what I need and how we proceed is somewhere in the middle of all this great advice.

I will keep you posted as I plan to keep pushing him forward to take care of himself.  I know that once he sees he can do this, it will give him a sense of control over this thing that right now is controling him and our family.

Thanks to all,

K
Helpful - 0
320576 tn?1204083693
Thanks, I just couldnt see being so hard so quick, later if I need to then I will know I have tried every approach.

He really is a good man.  He has stuck with me through thick and thin.  Never once did he ever say anything when I gain so much weight.  I was never thin, but when you hit the 365 pound mark....well, he still loved me, or at least put up with me.

I dont know where we will end up because this isnt our only issue.  But I want to help him get healthy physically, then we can work on the marriage problems in other areas.

I have decided that I am going to start going out though, I need to go have some fun without him.  I havent been out in sooooo long, Im talking 10 years or more.  I know I will feel guilty, but I need to have some fun too.

Thanks so much to all of you!

K
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320576 tn?1204083693
Dee,

Thank you so much for all your input.  You seem to understand much of what I am dealing with.

One day at a time....that is for sure.

K
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Avatar universal
Terrific!!!  You don't have to be harsh.  Sounds like what you did was just right.  He said he would call them!  He might put it off..he might not...but that's a start.  Maybe you want to tell him how happy that made you for him to say he would call them. Positive reinforcement.  And telling him to at least get a biopsy.  That was a good thing to suggest.  A step at a time.  I think what you did was great.  Sometimes the velvet glove approach works better than a hammer and I'm glad for these little steps forward.  I hope for all of you that this continues.

Trish
Helpful - 0
320576 tn?1204083693
Thanks, yes I lost 210 pounds and I am also a personal trainer.  My hubby is not overweight, never has been 6"-2" 200 lbs and he does work out pretty regular, mostly cardio but he also has a pretty physical job.  I know thats one of the reasons this is so hard for him.  He gets tired so easy and falls asleep by 8:30.   But luckily he is in pretty good shape as far as weight.  We live in a pretty rural area, but we have our own exercise equipement and he is better about using than I am.

Yep, 20 years is tough, but I think its worth it, we just have a lot of stuff to deal with and he is a very quiet man, says 2 words to my 1000 LOL.

Thanks
K
Helpful - 0
190885 tn?1333025891
you lost 210 pounds!!! wow...makes me wonder how much he weighs..cuz if he's way over weight that could be a real bad problem...exercise can help a lot...it makes you feel a lot better about yourself...get that heart rate up to about 120 for at least 20 minutes a day... if he's way over weight i would see a trainer so he doesn't have a heart attack... could be a real good first step...so he feels good about himself...it's tough to stay together for more then 20 years ...and durring mid life stuff..on top of that drinking...the 40s are so hard for lots of couples....if he keeps drinking with hep c he'll be in real bad shape soon..someone here said the withdrawals are 6 times worse then folks without hep...i know my withdrawals were real bad..and the symptoms can last for many months......so he should get help cuz the withdrawals could kill him...good luck...billy
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