I cant do it.

I dont know what to do....i cant do this treatment, i dont think i could deal with all the side effects and on top of that being bipolar. Heres the thing... today i picked up the Ribavirin from the drug store and they said to pick up the Interferon i guess thats what it is in a couple of days, its shots they told me, now that ive changed my mind what do i do now with the Ribavirin that i picked up and what about the Interferon thats on its way? Im on Medicaid i dont want to make anyone mad at me, what do i do? Ive been thinking about the treatments for a year since i found out i had hep c...i just cant do it.

[orphanedhawk]

If you are sure, then return it to the drug store unopenned. Or call you doctor's office and ask them what to do. If you aren't sure, then put the interferon in the fridge and decide what you want to do. This isn't about whether government agencies are mad at you or not. Do what is right for you.

[honey11]

Jody,,,if you are bipolar, you need to discuss this with your dr.  I would think if you tried it,,,you could be monitored closely to see if if all is ok.  

[debnevada]

Don't sweat the Medicaid thing really none of us cares about that. I don't think there are many of us that actually pay retail fro our tx.....

but be sure and talk to your care providers.

[meki]

Jody - hon...

Make sure you're not going through a manic or depressed phase set on by worry or stress (and let me tell you... actually going to get the meds is a HUGE stressor)

Your doctor would not have prescribed the TX for you if he didn't think he could help you through the whole treatment.

Here's a very good suggestion for you.

Make an appointment for a hospice.

Advise them that You are trying to make the hardest decision of your life in whether to treat with INF/RIB or just let nature take it's course.

Ask them if they can show you patients in END STAGE LIVER DISEASE. I don't know if they will... But it is an idea that I had that might help you prepare for what CAN happen to you.

Or look online --- find information about what happens to people as this disease progresses.

Now - realize the advancements of medicine. OK?

Now.... Knowing your doctor knows you... and knows that you're going through the anxiety, depression and manic phases... I feel fairly confident that you can effectively treat this disease.

The Side effects aren't ALWAYS that bad... In everyone... OK?

Those of us here on the board... We like to share our miseries... THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

If we can handle what we went through - so can you.

There are a lot of HCV individuals on this board who have Bi-Polar problems... OK?

And just so you know -- NO ONE is going to get mad or dissapointed in you. ONLY YOU can make yourself feel bad about this. Not us.

We support your decision.

We can only offer our insight - our laughter - our truths and our information and experience.

Much hope for you JodyLynn

Meki

[jmjm530]

It sounds like you may have made the decision to treat a little too hasty and now you're making the decision not to treat, also a little too hasty.

Since you've already ordered the medications, why don't you put the medications in a safe place and make a proper decision whether to treat or not based on a little more knowledge, and perhaps more input from your doctors, including your psychiatrist or psychologist who is treating you for bi-polar.

If you don't know already, you should find out what genotype you are and what stage liver damage you have. Making the treatment decision is complex and personal, but knowing these two things will help guide you.

In addition, try and do some more reading, both here and at other web sites, to learn more about both the disease itself and the treatment process.

If you're like most of us, you've probably had Hepatitis C for many years, so a few more weeks (or months) probably isn't going to make much difference. The important thing is that you make the decision that is right for you.

Treatment makes sense for some more than others. Your job now is to find out how much sense it makes for you. So for now, try and keep your options open.

All the best,

-- Jim

[FullOfHope77]

Well said! JodyLynn you owe no one anything except to yourself... the tx can be a bit tough but totatlly doable. I've thought just prepping to do it is harder than actually doing it from a psyche point of view. There are lots of meds that can assist you getting through and don't know how far you are down the road but I'm still bettin' that living is better than the alternative. It's not forever and you may be a very rapid responder (RVR) and knock it out in less than  6 months but it's not as hard as you hear us talking about sometimes but know this that we're here to help you too if you do decide that you're going to do it. That's why I picked my moniker to indicate that we are hopeful that we will beat this thing. Having a group to do it with makes it easier as you know that there are many kindred spirits and you will find that some days you will be doing pretty good and find that you want to encourage others too, who knows? Either way, do what's in your heart and have faith that all will be well as it will. Plus you can come here and get some good laughs as we truly do have some 'sit down commedians' here like I-Horn that will make you split your guts and have a good time while we do this thing together. YOU ARE NOT ALONE... we got your back.

[Magnum]

You can do it. I did it four times. Unfortunately, I'm one of the very hard to clear subjects, but I will be doing my fifth treatment with VX-950 in January.

Good luck,

Magnum

[meki]

Yeah - what hope said --- We gotcher back!

[ladywhy]

What Meki, JmJm and FullofHope said was right on target. There are many who are txing who do not suffer sx. On this site...we hear the worst...but we also hear wonderful sometimes funnystories with happy endings. Especially the letters "SVR" and "UND". Talk more with your doctors..put the injections in the fridge when/if you pick 'em up. I know people who experienced little or no sx, really! This forum, especially when you first come on, can be overwhelming. Try to get a good night's rest..things usually are a lil better in the morning. G'night JodyLynn and God Bless! You are in my prayers.

[Myown]

Hi Jody,

We were all very nervous before tx. We all know how you feel. But not everyone has the bad side effects. Tx was very easy for me. I felt down and out now and then, but it was very similiar to how you feel from your menses, thats all. I think what Jim told you is good advice - hold onto the meds, others have also. Then you can speak to you doctors and if they feel you need to treat, you can study more about treatment and begin when you feel ready. Jody, no one even knew I was going through treatment. I am going thru menopause, so if I mentioned I felt down, they just thought it was that, which part of it probably was/is. There have been others who have gone through treatment who are bi-polar. One of the menbers is just about finished. She did 72 weeks.

Remember that there are alot of people who feel fine during treatment and alot of times they don't come to the forum as much.. we see more of the people who are having  side effects - cause they are the ones who have the questions. I thought I was going to be holding onto the walls and pueking in the toilet 24/7 on tx after reading alot of the posts, but the majority of people don't go thru that.

I agree with Jim that you should hold onto your meds and think things thru and talk to your doctors about your concerns.

We all had terrible anxiety before tx and yet we all made it thru. You might have an easy time just as I did. I bet you'll do just fine. Wish you the best.

[doxzee]

Hi just wanted to say Myown is right . I have 4 more wks left and have had few sx. even my dr. said i'd feel like cr@p . i was und at 4wks . I rarely post but thought it may help if you here from some of us that are getting thru tx. easier than others. That we all don't have a terrible time. take it one day at a time in whatever you decide. Take care & try not to stress.

[meki]

BOWS down to Magnum.

Wow - freaking WOW!!!

Super good luck!

[GoofyDad]

I think Jim has hit it opretty much spot on.

A couple additions:

I would porobably call the pharmacy and tell them I have a few isssues to clear up before I start treatment, and can I still pick up the drugs and maintain covereage at a later date. If they say OK - then I'd let them restock - that should lighten you emotional load for a whail. If, for some reason the meds needs to be picked up, I'd get them and put them in the frisdge unopened. THe ribavirin pills you already have don't need to be refrigerated.

Things to consider in deciding to treat:

- How much liver damage do you have?
- What is the likelyhood it will work for you (based on genotype, age, weightr, race, sex, etc)?
- Will you likely have a more difficult time than most?


Take your time and take a breath. This is all OK. Really.

[txinaus]

Hey Jody :)  

My Step Father has Bi Polar so I am a little aware of some of the difficulties you face already without the added burden of having Hep C.
The sx of the drugs he has to take are powerful enough on their own so it is a real concern just from the medical POV whether you could manage tx let alone emotionally or physically.


My ex also has Hep C and he had a stroke at 36 years old ( he is now 45 )  and he suffers all sorts of mood swings, epilepsy, depression and mania etc etc. He is also on a myriad of drugs and suffers from the sx of those drugs.

Of the two of them I am pretty sure that my step father could handle tx as long as he had the strong support of my mother and his extended family AND constant monitoring by his health professionals. Not only his hepatologist but his mental health professionals as well.
( my step father does not suffer hep c but I am using him to hypothesize )

IF you have the support of family and your doctors then I think you should be ok -
I do not for one moment think it will be a walk in the park for you but I am quietly confident you could do it :D
I would also take advantage of any support group you could find that would not judge you and could offer the help you deserve.

My advice to my ex has always been to wait until the tx regime improves considerably if he can. I do not believe he would be able to handle the SOC TX as it is today.

I really wish you all the luck in the world and I feel for you - I know it must be very scary and confusing.
As you can see tho - there are many at this site that can and do offer real support and very good advice :D

take care.

[JodyLynn]

First of all, thank you all for your support.... you all are so kind. I have genotype 1 and they think ive had it since my teens, i dont ever drink or do drugs, but i did try drugs when i was a teen, it just dont seem fair to me all the people i know that never stopped drugs are fine, i stopped at 18 and i have the hep c. If i have had it all these years the doctor says i have very little damage for having it that long, but ya know they dont know where i got this or how long ive had it, what if i got it from a dentist and not had it that long and its already showing up on my Liver Biopsy? How do i really know? And as far as the 2 doctors ive gone too so far, these men dont know me they say chances are treatment will not help me. To be honest they could really care less. Im just going on what they say that ive had it over 30 years and if i have very little damage, and maybe at my age (49) i shouldnt take the treatments. And as far as my family goes, one of my sisters said we cant take off our jobs to come take care of you if the treaments make you sick, she said we would rather have you a few years not sick then to have you sick for a year and it not do any good anyway. I live alone my husband left me 4 years ago so this is really hard on me. Just thinking of this for the last year ive known ive had it is killing me inside. For the last few years ive been so tired, now that i know i have hep c i know why, but my sister says oh its all in your head. No one knows what i feel like and the pain ive been in and whats sad is no one really cares. Maybe ill do what yall say get the drugs and hold on to them and think about this a few more days. Thanks for yalls help, its nice to know i can come here and talk about this because i sure cant with my family or friends.

[meki]

Trust me...

We all know what it feels like.

We all haven't had your horrible situation - you need much more support than what you've got available to you.

Check and see if there is a support group for HepC in your area.

Don't panic sweetie --- life is just beginning for you at your age... 50 is the new 20.

So hang on to your hat --- and stop thinking the world is going to end right now... Cause with your situation - that's what I would be thinking --- so you're not nuts or ANYTHING like that - ok?

Just take one day at a time.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow.

If you can't take the treatment - then don't.

But your family doesn't sound so lovely ---- rather have you for a few years   sigh... well then --- that about measures up what THEY are WORTH...

Not YOUR Worth... Theirs.

Keep thinking about tomorrow for YOU!

Don't let the downs affect you --- think positively... BELIEVE IN YOURSELF --- and everything else will follow.

Try it for a bit --- BELIEVE IN YOURSELF... even if you feel like that's a lie --- force yourself to believe that you are OK...

Cause you are.

And right now --- you're terrified... and you know what?

99.9% of us were terrified, shaking in our knickers. But the only thing you can do is PLOW on through the day...

Watch the sunset --- and see the colors for the first time.. Pretend you were blind --- open your eyes --- and imagine the world all over again as if you had never seen it.

See it for the beauty it has in it... And sweetie - that includes YOU!

One day - one minute - one second at a time...

Who knows --- maybe you're one of "THEM" the non side effect people... LOL - I have dirty names for them because I'm jealous (not really --- but yanno... I so wish I could have been side effect free... BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE... and YOU  ---- Yes... You... step right up to the plate --- YOU could be one of them!)

If you're going to do this --- you have to want to live.

Choose your path - and walk it.. It's your dirt road. OK?

Hugs - and no worries - you're very welcome here.

Meki

[jmjm530]

Ask your doctor what STAGE liver damage you have. If you have stage 1 or 2, waiting on newer/better/shorter  treatments is a very reasonable option.

It also sounds like you don't have a lot of confidence in your doctors, or in at least the way they communicate with you. So if insurance and logistics allow, consider seeing another doctor you may click better with. The best doctors to see for hepatitis C are called hepatologists. They have more training in matters Hepatitis C  than an ordinary gastroenterologist as well as more experience.


As far as your fatigue goes, don't jump to the conclusion that it's being caused by Hep C. It may or may not be, but fatigue is probably the number one complaint doctors hear, even in the non Hep C population.

Also keep in mind that this is a discussion group where most of the people have already decided to treat the virus. For that reason it tends to be pro-treatment. Not everyone needs to treat and not everyone needs to treat right now. Take your time and find the decision that is right for you and that will be the right one.

On a personal note, I made the decision to treat five years ago because I had significant liver damage (stage 3).  It then took me three years to actually get started, after a lot of mind wrangling. I treated for 54 weeks and am now SVR (cured) for over one year.

I believe I made the correct decision because I was only one stage away from cirrhosis. That said, treatment and recovery from treatment was the hardest experience of my life and I still feel the two-year hole it left in my life. This is not to say that treatment will be as bad for you, but it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Deciding to treat or not is not a test of your character. It's not a matter of whether or not you have what it takes, because most of us do when it gets down to the wire. Treatment is about whether or not the rewards outweigh the risks. It's a decision that should be rooted in calm and logic and never rushed.

Be well.

-- Jim

[livindabest]

   As always thats good advice and experiance talkin there... All I can  add is .. I gonna be scared shitless too when I start my 48 weeks.   But I am going to do it and hang tough as I can.    You are reading way too much in to this !  Thousands more people are tx. right this moment ( many with no sides at all) That are not   on a  computer or, here in this forum.   Why not set your own start date, then if your sides are so bad then stop.  But not trying you will not know you were one with minor, or no sx.  
                          .      We here for ya if you need us, Hopefully you'll cruise right threw it .             Aloha,   R.

[Alady1620]

As to catching it when you were a teen...

The same thing happened to me.  I experimented only a couple of times when I was young.  Never did drugs again but I got HcV.  You are not alone.  Life is not fair but you can beat this thing.  

[Alady1620]

Serial posting...

Your sister is being selfish.  She basically told you she'd rather you die early than have you be sick for a little while.  That is messed up!

Honestly, when I was treating, I would have rather been alone than have a bunch of people telling me what they thought was best.  Being alone during treatment is a plus as far as I'm concerned as long as you have somebody you can pick up the phone and call when you're down.  

Again, you can do it, Jody.  Believe that you can and you will succeed.  We are here for you.

[Alady1620]

You can do anything that you believe you can do.  Get your head straight and decide that you are determined to kill the hcv.  Then and only then will you conquer the disease.  Get tough.  Get mad.  Fight back!

I have complete faith in you.  You can complete treatment.  You can do it!  

[ladybug52]

I know you have been scared, and if I remember correctly, when all the bad stuff about tx was posted by abbas, you said "that's it I'm not doing this" (Sorry if I have you confused with someone else)
There have been others here who are bipolar and have txed. It's difficult, I'm sure, but the important thing is to figure out if you have to treat now or can wait.
Will Medicaid pay for a biopsy? I think a biopsy will help you make an informed decision. If you have had a relatively undamaged liver, there's time to wait.
I was stage 1 grade 2 and could have waited according to my dr's. I got my meds in Sept but didn't start tx till Dec. I just kept waiting for the right time.
I went into tx thinking that if I couldn't handle it I would quit. I quit 8 weeks early, but I'm a geno 2 and so far am clear 3 months after tx. My sides were really minimal, but I felt that I was clear, and I wanted to quit.
You could try the same reasoning. Hold onto the meds, try to get a biospy, and if it looks as if you want to tx you can give it a try. As Jim said, it's not about strength or character, it's about making a decision you can live with.
Good luck sweetie, we're all here for you.
hugs,
Bug

[beamishboy]

jodylynn, you do indeed have real concerns BUT you can beat this damnable virus...like jim said yu gotta get a doc you can trust(or at least a GREAT nurse)...figure out a financial/social support PLAN and get your head inna Great place...It ain't easy,but it can be done..you may need helper drugs for anxiety -so what? this is a battle & it can ultimately prove your mettle...View it as a challenge that is ultimate!..cause it is...Focus on yourself&your health...BE SELFISH:YOU are Worth it!!!...KICK BUTT and GOODLUCK.......and if yu don't trx...please don't beat yourself up..life is tuff enough already

[tulips27]

Let me say I wish you well and understand your fear. However alot of things are going to happen to people in their life for which they have NO CONTROL OVER> hcv is something YOU can control and help get rid of this virus. Many people have gotten rid of it! And the ones that didint get rid of it will on the 2nd  or 3rd try around with tx. If you can help yourself...then try to kill this virus. I dont like to say much about tx cause I wont be starting till end of this year. But I sure want it gone!! I will br treating I dont like the idea either of putting my life to a dead healult for a year either. But as you grow older you realize we have no other just. We musthelp ourselves. Isnt it better being diagnosed with something you have a chance at beating??? Some illnesses out there there are NO CURE>
Try to sit down with someone and discuss your options. Do you have liver damage?

It'll be okay..Anticipation sucks!
take care

[ShoshanaPNW]

JodyLynn, get yourself a psychologist or psychiatrist who provides good therapy, has a good understanding of medications and treatments for bipolar disorder, and who has at least a reasonable understanding of Hepatitis C and its treatment. This may take a little hunting, but they're out there. You get to make your own decisions, and you are the expert on the realities of your life--not your doctors, not your family members.

[orphanedhawk]

  I have been told repeatedly by my nurse that my health care is my decision. Everyone is here to support you but it is up to YOU what you choose to do.
   I changed doctors during tx for several reasons. My first doctor never made me feel like he expected me to do well unlike my current doctor. It is important that you feel good about your heptologist.
   Something inside you has stopped you from beginning tx. Maybe there are deeper issues you should deal with first. And if you don't have any liver damage, why rush?
  I usually agree with Meki but I've heard enough horror stories regarding doctors, right here on this forum, that I would never assume the doctor is doing what is in your best interest. Sometimes they are just acting on automatic. FInd one you trust.

[meki]

Ayuh --- I was going on the thought process that her doc was "THE" right doc... Probably bad assumption.

But --- hawk - I like you too! LOL!

Meki

[RALPH44]

Finely some like me I have OCD and panick disorder was so bad last year I had to take a month off work to get some normalcey back.  Started feeling pretty good then gallbladder went bad and during the blood test found I have Hepatitis C genyotype 1.

Which suchs because I was reading the meds and they cause anxiety and the OCD to get worse and it also says even if you dont have depression it causes it.

I can take SSRI's because side effects were to bad. I dont want to feel like I did last year.

They cant start treatment till I heal from the surgery and get a base line on my eyes, and 2nd hep A shot.

I m 44 and they think I have had this since a accident then I was 13, this year is the first time it has shown up. Had liver biopsy I only a nickel size bit of damage.

I was a nursing asst. for 10 years so I know what HIV and Liver damage patient look like.

I told everyone I dont want to do this mon, husband, daughter are adament that I do. Then say just dont think about it, treatment dont start till next year easier said then done. With OCD I have the repitious thoughts so it is all I think about.

But Jodylynn my sixth grandchild was born last week with spainal biffita so I think I might try the treatment. I can always stop.

I have talk meki she helps too. If you need someone to talk to I am here after all my nephew and sister and mother are bipolar.

good luck

[JodyLynn]

Thank you so very much.

[JodyLynn]

My doctors nurse just called me and said i really need to take the treatments, she said my viral load is high over 7500, i dont understand this what is normal? She said they need to do more blood work to see how much over that it is. She told me i really should do the treatments. This is all so hard for me to understand.

[goldenrule]

Did the Dr do a liver biopsy?? Its very important that you find out what condition your liver is in.

[jools57]

7,500 doesnt sound high to me, do you mean millions?..Viral loads go up, and down all the time...before i started treatment mine was at 190,000, a test a few months later i was at 101,000, then my baseline VL was back at 190,000 before treatment...I did shot #7 last friday, and my 4 week blood test came back at VL 2,000...i'm a geno 3 so that makes me a slow responder, and i may have to extend treatment...the only accurate way to know how your liver is doing is a biopsy...my doc. didnt do one since i was a geno 3, and we are supposed to be easier to treat, and i had made the decision to treat. you are a geno 1, so i would demand a biopsy. that way you can make an informed decision about treating. My dr. said he has seen people with high viral loads and little liver damage, and people with low viral loads ,and lots of damage...i hope this helps you...i was scared to start(put it off for 6 months), but i am so glad i started...so far the side effects have been doable...fatique, itchy, hair thinning, some insomnia, the first few weeks were weird, because of the lightheadedness, but that has levelled out now...i just keep repeating, i can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me...again JodyLynn we are all on your side...and are here for you...Blessings, Julie

[jmjm530]

7500 IU/ml is very low, not high. But even if your viral load was 7.5 million, it really doesn't matter in terms of whether or not you should treat now or wait. Viral load does not correlate with either liver damage or progression of liver damage. What you do want to know is what STAGE liver damage you have. This is usually determined by biopsy, although estimates are often made based on other findings. Assuming you do not have significant liver damage, some doctors recommend treating and some recommend waiting. In the end, it's your decision, as it's your liver. So as not to get 'bullied' into treating (or not treating) you want to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible. "Knowledge is Power" is never more true than for patients faced with difficult decisions. If you feel you need more medical input, by all means get another consultation, preferably from a liver specialist (hepatologist).

All the best,

-- Jim

[brown_eyed_grl]

If I can do it anyone can do it. I spent 6 months on this board freaking out and going on and on. I had to be calmed down by these wonderful people b/c I really though my butt was going to blow up and my eyes were gonna pop out...well none of that happened, in fact I really have no sx except a little insomnia. Nothing a 1/2 an ambien wont fix. Jody. Just do it. Get this vile virus out of your body and move on w/your life.

The waiting is the hardest part. Now Its like this:
wake up eat 1/2 my breakfast take a riba
drink plenty of H2o
Dinner eat 1/2 my dinner....take a riba
Saturday evening take 2 tylenol, get my shot 4 hrs later 2 more tylenol (tho nothing's happened)
Thats it. A little fatigue, but not bad at all. Im still working and Its my saving grace. Oh, and exercising 2x a week and acupunture 2x a week. I am so HAPPY! Really to be getting rid on this after 33 yrs!!!

[sfwandwow]

good for u..hope i get that luck

[JodyLynn]

I guess i didnt hear the numbers right, but she said they were high and i should have the treatments. I did have a liver biopsy last year when i found out i had hep c and that doctor told i had minimal liver damage what ever that means, he is the same doctor that told me at first he would NOT do treatments because im bipolar, then when i started crying he told me to get an ok from the doctor that has me on bipolar meds and he would do it, but after him telling me people kill themselfs on the treatments that have bipolar it scared me off. I now have a new doctor and he seems to think i should have the treatments. They just mailed me a new lab sheet today soon as i get it im to go to have all new blood test and start treatments in the next 3 weeks. I know i seem like a dummy here, but this is all so new to me some of the things yall talk about here i dont even understand lol, but im trying my best. This doctors card says ADVANCED DIGESTIVE DISEASES PC.... GASTROENTEROLOGY/HEPATOLOGY/NUTRITION. I dont understand a thing this man says because its all that doctor talk lol but his nurse called me today and said i can call her anytime because she will be the one working with me on the shots and things. Thank yall for all your help here, im so glad i found this site....God Bless you all.

[sfwandwow]

good for u..hope i get that luck

[GrandmaA]

I don't know what genotype you are. If you can wait 2-3 years for the new meds, I would wait. The new meds will probably just be 24 weeks. Did you have a biopsy? What grade is your liver? If you are 0-2 you can wait. If not discuss it with your doctor. The ribavirin is very hard on the emotions. I never told my doctor but I did have suicidal thoughts once or twice.  I have 6/1/2 weeks left of 51.  

[JodyLynn]

I had biopsy last year said i had minimal liver damage and i am genotype 1...they think ive had hep c for over 30 yrears, but who really know where i got ot or how long ive had it?

[meki]

Jody - that's the cool thing. You know ahead of time what this med can do... So you know to be aware of it. I think keeping a daily journal of your thoughts would be good.

Or posting daily - to tell us how you feel would be good.

That way if you notice a definite trend downwards you can get immediate help.

Don't be afraid - just be AWARE. There's a difference. It feels about the same - LOL! But being aware of your moods... Kind of like when you're spiraling up on a "high" in the manic phase or when you start plummeting in the depression phase. You know it's happening... You're aware of the differences now.

It's kind of the same thing.

For me - the ideation was like this... Doo dooo dooo do do do driving along... be bopping through the music... and all of  a sudden... I think "I'd be better off dead... My family wouldn't have to put up with this... Poor poor me..."

And then I'd snap my head up and go --- "HUH? where the heck did that come from?"

I mean like really - better off dead? Oh yeah --- Sure thing... Like dead is done... Uhmmm you can't get better if you're done. Or gone. You can't fix things... You can't see the sunsets... You can't kiss your kids...  You can't hug your friends... And you can't eat Taco Bell Tacos... How the frick is that better?

Then I'd think - Poor me? How am I poor? I mean - I'm breathing I'm getting better - it just sucks right now - but I'm getting better. I am stepping in the right direction.

Then I'd turn a corner - and forget I even thought that weird stuff.

But for people in your position - it might be more difficult. I don't really know.

But what I do know is that you can do your best to monitor your thoughts - and your moods.

Journal them - don't obsess over them - find something else to obsess on.

Train yourself now... NEGATIVE THOUGHTS out the darn window.

Every time you get a negative thought, shoo it away like an annoying fly...  Sing a happy song... Whatever it takes...

I have a friend who made this silly little jar...

She took a canning jar and filled it with rice.

Then she put in things like: a rubber band, a penny, a nickle, a paperclip, a thumbtack, a plastic earring, a fake gemstone, a nail, a dollhouse plastic teacup and other small items.

Then she put a lid on it.

And she wrote down a check list of the things she put in it.

You roll the jar around and you look for those items and you check them off one at a time.

It's pretty soothing --- for her. And when she starts spiraling up or down, she rolls it, and calms herself down a little bit.

I don't know if it would help you - but it helps her. LOL!

Anyhow - I just wanted to say - although you have 2 diseases (HCV and Bipolar) you can still take control of your life.

You have the ability - and you ---- YOU ---- have the strength... It may be hard to find and you may need some medication to help you out - but you have the strength.

Super hugs to you.

Meki

[JodyLynn]

I dont think ive ever been as scared in my whole life as i am right now....i never really knew just how much i wanted to live till now. Just a ruff night i guess.

[JodyLynn]

Thank you Meki for taking the time to write this to me it made me feel alot better...i took a sleeping pill my doctor gave me, i hate how i feel the next morning so i dont take them maybe 1 ever fews months, but tonight i just knew id never go to sleep if i didnt....maybe things will look better tomorrow, thanks again.