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Is there any hope?
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Is there any hope?

My sweet father is 73yrs old and has hepc and end stage cirrhosis of the liver. He was doing fine at home on diuretics and lactulose up until about 2 months ago. In a matter of 2 months he went from walking normal and being completely independent, to falling down everytime he tried to walk.. He's been in and out of confusion, the highest his ammonia ever got was to 108, his billiruben is 17 he is very yellow, his eyes are the color of mustard and his body is not far behind. My papa has always been my rock, i have always looked up to him, he is my best friend, and i am very proud to be his daughter! Lately though, i see less&less of my papa and more of who this horrible disease is creating. He has become very possesive of me, gets extremely sad when i'm not around and mind you i am with him anywhere fr 4 to 9 hrs a day. When i confront him on his actions he says maybe its because he knows his time is near. He's now in the hospital very week with the hopes of getting stronger. What he doesn't know yet is that they found a mass on his liver the size of a lime and are most positive it's cancer(just waiting for the test to come back for verification).I dont know what my? is, just could use some feedback and support. I have a sister but she lives far away so the heartache of watching my papa deteriorate is all on me as it was with my mom as well who was an alcoholic and drug user. My father also has severe water retention and severe stasis dermatitis fr all the swelling, pressure on his lungs and right side of his heart. I never thought i could even dare feel this way but i am so sick and tired of seeing him suffer!! Is it completely horrible to hope God takes him home so he no longer has to endure all of this suffering and the suffering to come?? This diesease is taking my papa away fr me and i hate it! I hate this disease!! God bless all of you suffering fr this monster and all of your loved ones... Any feed back would be a great comfort. Lou Lou
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18 Comments Post a Comment
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1225178_tn?1318984204
I haven't had to deal with exactly what you are dealing with but I did loose both of my parents in the past couple of years to slowly progressing diseases that deteriorated their minds and bodies to the point where they were helpless and didn't know me all the time. I too reached the point where I prayed that God would take them home and take them out of their misery. I had a sister that thought that was crazy, but I felt it was selfish to want them to continue living  in bodies that didn't work any more. I know I wouldn't want to do that.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of the feelings that will come your way... just work real hard at not allowing guilt to be one of those feelings, because you are there for him, and you want what is best for him, and that's all you can do.

Diane
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Avatar_m_tn
There's nothing wrong with your letting him go and wanting your dad's pain to end. I am very sorry that you are going through this. I too have had too very sick parents who died slowly in their early mid seventies and watching them deteriorate was very difficult.
I really feel for you!

"To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven"

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179856_tn?1333550962
I'm sorry that I don't nkow of any miracle cure for you or anything but we are here to hold your hand so to speak if you need us.  You must be under such strain right now physically and emotionally.  Is there any way you can find a therapist or pastor or someone to talk to?

I'm really sorry for your situation - nobody should have to be handling something like this on their own.  I hope that in some way we can be of some comfort to you even if we are 'just on the internet' we are real people.....even if you can't see us talking to you.
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Avatar_f_tn
You have my deepest condolences and sympathy at this difficult time in your life, and your father's life.  It is hard to lose a parent and see a parent suffer, no matter your age or theirs.  I called my father papa too -- he was killed in an accident 48 years ago when I was nine years old.  

Nothing is more difficult than to see another human being suffer, and when it is someone you love more than anything, it can be unbelieveably heartbreaking.  At this point, all you can do is be with him and let him know that you love him.  It is also natural to want to see his pain and suffering cease.  Are their hosice workers coming in and helping him?  If not, you may want to check that out.  

Please come to this forum and continue to discuss your feelings.  We are here for you and will do all we can to make this easier.  It is much easier said than done, but try and think of all the great times you have had with your father throughout your life.  Read spectda's words and known:  
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

My best to you and your dear father.

Debbie
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1240042_tn?1280337755
I hate that you are having to go through this. I went though pretty much the identical heartbreak with my mother of 73,Hep C,cirrhosis, liver cancer, she too was my best friend. You being there for your father is the best medicine you can give him. I know how hard it is for you to see a once very strong man deteriorate in this way. But believe me just your presents and the feel of your hand will make his days so much better. As much as I hated the idea of the whole Hospice thing, it was really good for both her and I. They are so caring and helpful with any and all questions you may have , and how to make the days more comforting. You father is lucky to have such a loving caring daughter.
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Avatar_n_tn
Please know that you are not alone.  The supprt and encouragement from this forum will hopefully carry you and your father through this.  I will pray for peace for your father.
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548668_tn?1394190822
You are the 'rock' for your father as he has been for you and I'm sure you do everything in your power for him that you can.   My Mum suffered a debilitating illness;  I would have breathed for her and given her my life if I could have - such is the painful love that I'm sure you know so well.  

You are grieving for the Dad he was before the illness, and devastated by the pain he is going through.   He had obviously given you the greatest gifts that a parent can give - the ability to love and care and take charge when required;  no wonder you love him so much.  Somewhere in the mix, at this time, is the tremendous gratitude that you and he share such a deep bond and love, and you, as his 'proud' daughter will find the strength to sustain and carry on.   You will always recognize love because of him.

Over the years, since my parents passed on, I seem to carry them in my pocket.  My decisions are never made alone because I carry their discerning judgement, integrity, honesty and compassion in my soul;  my parents have never left me; testament to their love.

Your presence and prayers are your Dad's greatest gift right now, whether you are with him or not, you are walking with him always while he is going through this great trial.  It is a most honorable thing that you are doing and you will get through.  Make sure you keep your strength up, eat as well as possible, and get rest when you can and be kind to yourself.  You are obviously very special, and my thoughts are with you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello Kristina. Well it seems that we have quite alot in common when it comes to love we share for our parents doesn't it.. I am so so sorry to hear about your mum but i know i dont have to tell you that she is in a better place no longer struggling and suffering. She now only knows peace, love, and joy. I've always believed in our Heavenly Father sence i could remember but recently my papa has had confermation and that brings me great comfort! I also find comfort in the fact that i know my Mother is waiting for him because she has came to visit him twice. Yesturday i think he was the sickest hes ever been but he refused to admit it to me. Sometimes i'm afraid he's in terrible pain and just refuses to tell me. He's at a point now where he's angry that his time is coming.. He is not ready to go. He says he doesn't think it's time to leave me and my son. How do i assure him that we will be ok without hurting him? How do i tell him that?
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm sorry you and your dad are suffering with this dreaded disease.

Your dad is lucky to have you by him. You are exactly why I'm glad I have a daughter. I remember an old man telling me something right after I had my daughter, he said "you have been blessed more then you know, when you have a daughter you have someone to take care of you when you are old or sick".

God bless you and your dad
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Avatar_f_tn
OMG Today had to be one of the most heart renching days yet! Today i had to tell my papa that he had liver cancer, that he doesn't have that long, and that they are reccomending Hospice to keep him comfortable because he's about to go into liver faliure. It was the hardest and sadest thing i've ever had to do in my life! He was BLOWN AWAY! He was very week last night and very yellow. His eyes are so yellow that they almost look bloody, when he trys to hold his hands up they fall down, he can no longer write, and in order for him to recognize me i have to get real close to him. This is not just my dad this is happening to. This is my Father, my best friend, my confidant, my hero, my idol, my everything! He and my 2 and half year old son are my world! My son is the only reason i even come home at night, otherwise i'd never leave my papa. I write you guys in the morning while i'm waiting for his dad to come and be with him so i can go to the hospital. I'm so nervous evry morning wondering in what state i'll find him. He promised me he wouldn't go antwhere until i got there. Let's see if he kept his promise. I pray to God that he allows me to be holding my papas hand when he takes him fr this world and into heaven!!
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Avatar_m_tn
You are a very brave and loving person. Your father is very lucky to have you by his side. I think you did the right thing telling him the truth. I hope they are keeping him as comfortable as possible.
My heart goes out to you - Dave
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163305_tn?1333672171
Like your father I had endstage liver disease.
Although,I may have looked bad to others, I simply felt I was fading away. Rarely did I feel pain.
I was fortunate never to get cancer and because of a transplant, am now healthy and happy.
During those days of illness, I had to accept that I could die. And I thought how happy I was to have lived a full life, had children who are how adults and good people. If my time had come, I could accept it.
Your dad has you and your child as his legacy.

You are there for your dad. He knows he has your love.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing.

good luck.
OH




We all will die sometime. This is inevitable.
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Avatar_f_tn
I just reread your comment and realized that our situation is identical! I must have been in space when i read it b4, but then im always in a daze these days. Oue parents both with the hep c, cirrhosis, liver cancer and even the same age. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Mom but i really do believe that she is in a beautiful, peaceful, loving place now in Heaven with our Father and the Angels and all of her loved ones that passed before her. This disease is complete and utter torture the way it keeps you lingering and suffering i hate it so much. It's really killing me to watch him go through this.. I am completely helpless!! I was hoping maybe you could share with me what you went through with your beloved mother at the very end? Orphanedhawk, I'm really happy for you and your new liver. What a feeling that must be to come so close to death and then get another chance.. You are truely blessed and i wish you all the happiness life has to offer. Thank you so much for your kind words.. They are very comforting. Everyones are!
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Avatar_f_tn
My sweet, sweet papa passed away one day before my birthday on august 15,2010 at 1am. A few days before he passed he started to become very angry, mostly with me. I think he was mad at me for him being in the hospital but what else could i possibly do?? He could no longer walk, make it to the rest room, stay awake, make sence, and he was in complete denial about how sick he was. My papa and i were best friends! I took care of him anywhere from 4 to 10 hrs a day.. and when i wasn't with him we were on the phone. It's so messed up, we were so close and i really think he was mad at me when he passed and that just kills me!! He lost his ability to speek correctly in the last week and a half and he would get so frustrated that i couldn't understand him. He became so mean and he took it alll out on me.. The person that loved him the most! Three days before he passed, he kept trying to yank his hand fr me but it was hard for him cuz he had no strength. I knew what he was trying to do though. My feelings got so hurt and i was balling and i said.. What papa you dont want me here?? And he shook his head really hard as if to say NO! I asked a couple of more times and i got the same response and he was looking at me like i was his worse enemy. My heart was brocken and i ran out of there. The next day he wouldn't even open his eyes for me.. I just kept telling him that i loved him and that even if he didn't want me there i was gonna keep coming back! The night he passed it was so horrible! My poor papa suffered so much!! His chest filled up with fluid and when he would breath it sounded like boiling water on the stove. I was panicking calling the nurses in and out of the room demanding pain meds because when he would breath he would also moan very loud and i was losing my damn mind! One of the nurses that i became very fond of and who was also his nurse that night told me that i should go home and asked me if i was prepared. PREPARED!! Was she fn kidding me.. Who the hell is prepared to lose a parent that they completely adore?? I cryed myself to sleep that night and when my phone rang at 1:10am i knew! The hospitalist asked for me and my heart sank. He said he was sorry to inform mr that my Father was gone. My papa is gone, my best friend is gone, and i have a hole in my heart the size of the grand canyon.:( All i wanted was to be there holding his hand when our Lord took him home and i wasn't there, I wasn't there!:(
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Avatar_f_tn
My sincerest condolences to you.

I don't know how many go through a rocky death scene but I also did.

We imagine and hope for loved ones to slip away peacfully, hands held, mutual love affirmed.

Well, it ain't always so. Eventually you'll  realize that your dad totally loved and appreciated you but his condition played havoc on how he responded to your care and attention.

Every time someone describes a death of a loved one as peaceful, it yanks at my heart and I wish my mom's death had been different.

She was my best friend, also,  and the last thing I said to her was that she was 'so beautiful'. Not bad, right? Well, with the little strength she had, she slapped me, unable to talk. (She'd only slapped me once before in my whole life.)  And then the doctor told me to go home to get some rest, as she had 'lots of time' left. My kids were home sick, so I took off, and a couple of hours later, the hospital called to say she'd died of kidney failure.

So not the way I'd planned it and that s-ucked. After about a year, though, that 'bad' part faded. How much we meant to each other all came back and it will to you, too.

Whatever regrets you have, your dad was so lucky to have you.


My condolences again.

Susan



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897070_tn?1320656229
Nothing and no one could prepare you for what you have been through. I went through similar with a parent. You are in my thoughts.
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901131_tn?1293748153
Whether you think so or not You Where There.
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Avatar_f_tn
Susan, I'm so sorry about what you went through with your Mom:(. I know that must have been heart renching! I'm sorry to ask this, but when she smacked you was she looking at you real mean.. like she was mad at you? I'm asking because that's how my papa was looking at me and he never looked at me like that! I mean dont get me wrong, of course he's been upset with me for one thing or another through my life im his kid.. But not like that! I mean we were really, really close ever sence i was a baby and up until those last few days in the hospital. Ahh man i miss him so much! I miss having our coffe together in the morning, our goodnight conversations, our good morning conversations, his voice, his hugs, EVERYTHING! IMISS EVERYTHING, EXCEPT THAT DAMN DISEASE! I lost my Grandma to cancer, and i saw my best friends Mom deteriorate from Aids and i have to say that out of the three Cirrhosis and Hep c wich of course my Papa had, was the worst! The physical and mental anguish that comes along with this disease is so aweful i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! It's a horrible, horrible disease and i HATE IT!! I'm so, so, so sorry about your Mom Susan. I know how hard it must have been to leave the hospital expecially after that! I have a 2 and a half year old that i had to get home to every night.. Or else i probably would have never left. Take care and God bless you&yours...
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