Poor Marriage-end of treatment-stress

[mistybean]

My personallity changed while I was on treatment.  I think I went nuts.  The best I can describe my behavior was like a post partum depression.  And yes, my monlthy cycle did stop while I was on treatment.  Did I hit menopause too?   I was very hard to live with and ended starting treatment with a good marriage and now ending treatment with out a marriage.  My husband has left me.  In part because I have made his life difficult because I became more needy and expresive ( meaning I liked to talk about issues more).  I made mountains out of moles, overacted, and everything was a crissis.  My husband who had quit drinking 7 years before.. developed a every-other day drinking habit.  He would take down alot of booze.   Bottle of wine was on the light side.   He bagan to shut down emotionally and view himself as a victom of my attacts and reckless personality. I was under lot of stress on these drugs, working, and just trying to survive.   I am sure that if my husband would of stayed and accepted I was sick. .. that all of this would of passed.   Now with four days left on treatment.. I have the tough task of trying to find my finacial asset so I can turn them over to a lawyer to proceed with a divorce.     He was my partner.. my love and my life ( outside of work)  I was with him for over 17 years. Now thier is nothing that can tie the two of us back together.  My partner turned on me and I can tell that he wants out.  So out he can go..!!  I hope my new life brings me new excitment and health.

[mistybean]

In my husbands defence.  I did go kind-of nuts on this treatment.  I was really hard to live with.  I went into a pretty dark space  for a while.  Caused a lot of auguments and really became a text book co-dependent.  Well.. now that my mind is clearer as I have no more shots to take.. I see how my thinking was disfuntional. I still will remain seperated from my husband for a while as I need some time to get my head back together.  I am not sure that he will forgive me for my behavior as I drove him nuts.  

I wish you the best in your marraige.

[can-do-man]

tell that to child protective services, i know a person who works there. Abuse is abuse whether its christmas or not. Maybe the next kid this guy goes off on won't be so lucky. This guy should be reported before he gos to far. Doing nothing is just plain wrong, leaving marks on anybody is abuse. But i guess your saying if its christmas its ok. UN REAL

[can-do-man]

Where i live if you let a child be abused and don't report it, your just as guilty as the abuser.

[scruffy]

Maybe discussing it at a later date while not in a riba rage might be the way to go.

[can-do-man]

leaving black and blue marks on anybody is abuse that should not be ingnored. What king of message is that sending?

[scruffy]

Right! Kill the dude and go to prison-great for the family life and kids. smart.

[MrsOckert]

Oh My Gawd!!  I just got a glimpse of what it must be like for everyone around me to see me!  Don't you think your response is a bit excessive??

I happen to agree with Kalio about the response to the brother-in-law.  Doesn't God and His Word teach to return hatred with love.  Turn the other cheeks.  Be the bigger person.  A whole lot of other platitudes.  Those are not just words.  Those really are the actions we expected to exhibit in our lives.

I'm sorry, but I really think you're the big loser here.

[beamishboy]

thks for the kind words-i am missing chevygal something terrible these last couple of days.....i am tru-blu fan of ol kris,and 'the silvertongued devil' is my favorite album...still playing that vinyl masterpiece,and dancing like a fool sometimes...I need to listen to some music rite now!  maybe riki lee jones-chuckie's in love---dancing music for sure & i need to get outa my damned head --feet do there stuff!!
strator--i wish i could attend sum meetings w/ you..heck i would even do the patchin&sanding&priming&paintin of ceilings for ya(6'3") just for a opportunity to hang w/  somebody trx& dealin so well!
i'm feelin particularly isolated & ignored last couple of days--self-perpetuating behavior no doubt,but try explaining that to my totally out of focus&addled brain.............

[strator]

A point that I was reminded of by Kalio1. You know it is true what we have all mentioned about sober alkies living as good examples of the human race, I loved what I saw in people I met in the program...fact when I first got in the program I thought the whole world should be required to attend meetings, drinkers or not... but after a while that intoduction also opened my eyes that the there are a ton of people in the world, here on this board included, that just seem to always have been doing the right thing.
Kalio's comment about integrity and honor is what reminded me. Those are the exact words I have always used to describe my Dad,it defines him. It defines a couple of coaches I knew that stepped up to the plate and showed kids somebody cared, it defines the elderly grandmother that scrubs floors to support her kids children, the WW2 vet who once slapped my long haired hippie brother over his stand on Viet Nam in the 60's-than turned around and apologised saying-'I'm sorry, you have every right to believe war is disgusting, it is, and I pray that my own children never experience it.'
The counselors, and policemen, and my own children, who shared their hope for me with me...tx, addiction, whatever the journey-more people than not-seem to always step up to the plate.
Peace,
Don

[beamishboy]

"most men are not" !!!!!-lol- hey, c'mon now;most people are not.....i totally understand the tendency to isolate-i am so not myself right now,that interaction is real hard work...i am overly sensitive,distracted,impatient,tired,sick,sick,sick--ohhh and a little sx we refer to as "brainfog"--now that helps me deal with stuff bettter!!!!  as the song goes-"i'm a walking contradiction;partly truth&partly fiction;.(going off in all directions)...............;on my lonely way back home"--can't rem. all the words kris kristopherson song.....long as we get back home in one piece it's another of lifes lonely journeys--thks for your post mrs. ockhert,it was heartfelt,open and helpful for me,hi to hubby--'nother guy who should be a nominee for sainthood??!!!!---i'm kidding, i'm brainfogggin,deal another hand of cards--"I'm in!!!!!"

[painintheside]

This disease recks havoc on all aspects of our lives. I am so sorry it has takin such a toll on you and your husband.

I pray that you find strength in the Lord and that your life gets better from here!

Sincerely,
Dana

[MrsOckert]

I'm sorry you've had to lose so much because of this TX.  I don't think it's totally fair for some people to completely blame your husband.  Granted it was his choice to start drinking again - you did not "drive" him to it.  But I've said for 4 weeks now I'll be amazed if my marriage survives treatment.

I am geno 1b, 11/48 and my other vehicle is now a broom.  I also started TX with an excellent marriage and the only reason I still have one (marriage, not excellent) is because my husband is a saint.  Most men are not.

My thinking doesn't work anymore.  I open my mouth and have no idea what is going to come out of it.  On Saturday at church I offended two people in 5 minutes.  I yell and scream at my husband for no reason at all.  Yesterday we played cards with friends and within 30 minutes I got into an argument with everyone there.  I don't realize what I'm doing until I'm so deep into it I can't stop.  I had to make the decision last night not to talk to anyone anymore.  I'm not answering the phone or seeing people until I'm done with this medicine.  I can't trust myself with people.

It's hard because when I am thinking rationally I realize it's not fair to treat my husband the way I do just because I"m on medicine.  He does understand, but it still hurts him.

[strator]

It is truly a gift when we get to witness our children, or anyone, grow. It's also a lesson put right where we can't miss it. People are able to grow and change. Sometimes I'll witness that in even a young kid, or be trying to help my son learn how to handle something like reponsibility  or dealing with envy- and light bulbs go off- hey isn't that the same thing the Maker has been trying to teach me.
God bless your son and child, sounds like he'll be a wonderful Dad. Musta given ya goosebumbs.
Don

[wMich]

Though chronic illnesses are often not anyone's fault, a sufferer usually affects everyone around them. However, it is that person's responsibility to follow suggestions and do what they need to do to get and keep themselves well. It seems that you have done just that in treating your HepC and hats off to you. It is also clear that your spouse has not done his part in keeping his alcoholism in remission (i.e. attend meetings, talk about what's going on inside, not take the first drink). Alcoholism is about way more than drinking as you know. I think I may have once suggested this to you and apologies if I sound like a broken record but please give Al-Anon family group meetings a try. I hope that things work out for you in every way.   - Lee

[nyhepc]

the holidays were such a tough time for us all...my heart goes out to us all, and may we each find strength wherever it's at.
my dad was in the hospital over christmas (ok now), my sister wouldn't help with my mother, trying to do christmas with kids, grandbabies, hgb at 9.4....too much!!!!!!
but then....my 22-yr old son was here with his 16-month old. he split up with her mother after thanksgiving, and this was his first trip home alone with baby.  who was this boy that showed up?????? it wasn't my son...my son has never done his own laundry, never made a bed, never changed a diaper, never worried about having apple juice on hand, never dressed the baby.  this boy that showed up did all those things. i watched him with such pride in my heart i thought it would burst. i finally figured out the problem....my son the boy is gone,  it was my son the man that was here. and today, that's where i will find my strength

[Forseegood]

As if to emphasize our points made about recovering alcoholics being some of the best people to know, Strator recounts, with his usual forthright honesty, how he was able to find strength in dealing with a potentially volatile situation. I always get something from your posts Strator, and to think youre on tx to boot. AA and Al-anon and some others, are about a bunch of people helping each other come to some honesty and integrity about themselves, and Strator and some others here are fine examples of the program, at least to me. Hope I wasn't being too much of a budinsky, just thought I'd post some of my beliefs about these types of matters, while trying not to be too specific about what anybody should actually do....of course that's up to them ultimately.

It's great to see so many caring and supportive people here, hopefully we can all surround ourselves with caring and supportive people as well, we all deserve this from people, just like they derserve it from us, I really believe this...Strator I know other kids who went through having parents on tx and later on they were able to even joke about it, hopefully this will happen in your household as well...if anything it can also teach them patience and forbearance (and retaining a good sense of humor under any circumstances) good lessons for anybody to learn I would think...

[beamishboy]

strator;you did good man! that scene ,as you recounted it,made my bloodboil too...you are walking,talking example of somebody taking charge of their lives..too many parallels w/ my own for comfort....you been reading my mail??
everyone gives such thotful,insightful advice, bean,if there is any hope for your marriage-goodluck,love is soo hard to find...about former or nondrinking alcoholics..they are truly some of the most honest,caring and "been there" advisers out there..we are all dealing with a lot of stress-i am constantly amazed&impressed by the character&strength of all---is that a sx of hep-c?????

[strator]

One further alcohol/riba related vent I have:

Yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas an incident happened that could have turned ugly. It involved my potential rage, Riba enhanced, her husband-who had been drinking and who I've known since we were kids. I've had a big resentment with him since a childhood incident between us that absolutely no one in the family knows about. We don't even acknowledge each other in the same room. He seems to have issues with my son because of me. Anyways some innocent horseplay amongst the kids, my son included, led to my brotherinlaw(6-1 200lbs) physically manhandling my kid to the point of his running out of the party in tears, his arms turning black and blue. It had stopped at that only because my adult daughter had been in the room(I wasn't)& she physically got between them. I followed my son out when he blew through the other room and he told me what happened- I FELT ballistic, a grown man instigating violence against a barely 14yr old isn't acceptable. Not my opinion, my belief. First I suggested my son take some time to calm down before returning. THEN I realized I didn't want to hurt my brotherinlaw, JUST wanted to slam him on the ground, fist above his head, and make him beg for his life. I had to remove myself and go for a quick walk. I'm godfather to my brotherinlaw's son, who is godfather to my son(go figure). It was Christmas, Santa was about to appear and hand out gifts to all- same as every year there. Anyways I even went in the bathroom, knelt down and prayed for guidance, fearful of what a bad situation I could turn it into especially ON RIBA, and holiday stressed, and set it all aside before I went back in. I do Have to deal with lettinmg my bro-inlaw know it just can never, ever happen again. Some friends tonight suggested that without dealing with my childhood issues with him, maybe with a professional, I may not be the one to deal with yesterday properly. Probably good advice. If it wasn't for advice those friends gave me a couple of years ago, I probably wouldn't have removed myself for a while yesterday.
Sorry for the vent-not thinking well on my own lately.
Don

[HepCinLA]

What a jerk!  How nice that your husband made this all about himself by playing the victim.  I don't care if you were stark-raving mad, that's your perogative while on treatment.  He should have known that depression and moodiness were part of the temporary symptoms and dealt with it accordingly.

I say good riddance.  You need a strong partner, someone who's going to support you no matter what instead of crumbling like a weak jellyfish.

Divorce is like a death but with every death comes a rebirth.  Think of this as a whole new beginning and a whole new you.  A way to start fresh without all that emotional garbage.

Good luck and keep us posted!
Lots of love and positive engery from Cali ~

[Moniker]

Congratulation on finishing treatment; that's a great achievement.

I agree with Forseegood; Al-Anon seems like a good suggestion.

I go to AA, and I've accepted that I am powerless over alcohol; that was the first step. I understand that in Al-Anon the first step is to acknowledge that you are powerless over someone else's alcoholism. The best way to help an active, drinking alcoholic, is to step back, and take care of your own life. You can never take responsibility for his drinking. It wasn't your hep c treatment that made him drink. Alcoholics drink just because they are alcoholics, and what they need to do is to admit that they are powerless over alcohol, and that their lives have become unmanageable. I learned to stay sober one day at a time. There is no excuse for me to pick up a drink. If I did pick up a drink, it would be nobody else's fault.

Often things work out over time. A friend of mine is in Al-Anon and her marriage almost ended because her husband was an active alcoholic. They did separate, but have been back together now for many years - now that he is sober. They have a good relationship now. He's in AA, she's in Al-Anon. The sober alcoholics that I know are the finest people in the world. We never know how things in life may work out.

Congratulations again for finishing your treatment. Good for you!

[strator]

mistybean -
I think Forseegood has a great point on the manipulation by alchoholics, and on the help that can be provided by al-anon. I am certainly an alchoholic. Yes I am in recovery, clean and sober but I will be an alcoholic til the day I die. Your husband may have been headed towards a drink long before you went on tx, maybe not. My opinion, when he's ready, he needs to work on that. My opinion, you have to be careful about taking blame on yourself. There isn't a need for you to blame either of you. Only to work on the issues. You say you may have over reacted because of issues with your father. For all I know you may already be familiar with al-anon or have worked on that. But right now I doubt you over reacted. I think you probably reacted with the proper weight that memories of an alchoholic relationship gave you. Maybe you can find help dealing with the weight you give it and working through it with some balance.

I know I can't give realtionship advice. I always thought  a  relationship was climbing up my daughter's mom's fire escape drunk,at 3 in the morning to knock on the window once or twice a month. I also have to go get help  dealing with how I react to my son's mom, who is an  active crack addict. Even though the way it effects my son is no different then how I use to effect my daughter, and my son. I still need someone else to help me learn how to handle it properly. I pray you may be able to work through this.

Forseegood - It really does effect our families so much. Life is there with or without tx. I have to reach out soon -because my irrational attitude lately is starting to effect my son's attitude more. As much as I tell him about the meds and talk to him - he's first a human, second a kid, third-going through that puberty age. I'm not exactly on top of my game- we can suffer through it, or we can get help dealing with it. Tx can make things tougher, or it can be one of those things that helps us learn how to make better use of all the help available. Now I guess I gotta go upstairs and try and put this into practice. Sometime's I forget what a blessing to have this kid. What's that they been telling me- gratitude is an ACTION word.

Thanks to both of you for reminding me of this.
Don

[johnisme]

Before this thread go's down the gutter route id just like to say that today ive been married for 25 years, thats half my life. Theres been good times, bad times, and rough times. My tx. has been put off twice now and i know the stress that i've been having.

Misty i don't know about your marriage problems or if things can work out for you two. But im sure after 17 years of being together you have also had the good, the bad, and the rough times. If its at all possible to work things out i would hope you both would try. It might be easy for some to say good for you and get on with out him but its been your 17 years together. Only you know whats best for you, but at lease take some time to think about it before jumping into a divorce.

That said, you don't need to put up with a alcoholic. I just hope maybe things will work out for you, i know for me after 25 years it would be hard to start over.

Stay well........John

[Forseegood]

Just wanted to say that I think alcoholics in recovery can be some of the best people anyone could know, as long at that person is sober and working on their own sobriety and responsibilities. And yes, it is a disease - mental and physical, but that's not to say that another person has to put up with a lot of bad behavior a practicing alcoholic can dole out to a person in a relationship with them...or someone in their family.

Sometimes actually staying with a practicing alcoholic can actually enable their bad behavior...once left to their own devices many times they can come to grips with their disease and really do something about it...or not, it's their path and their path only. You can always let them know you care and love them without putting up with a bunch of bad behavior.

[can-do-man]

Running off a relapsed alcoholic is A pretty good place to start.

Being a alcoholic is ALSO a disease. Hope you don't feel that way about a person who relapse's from hcv