Potential sex partner freaking out about my infection

[anneinMD]

Has anyone else had issues with a potential sex partner rejecting them after you told them you were HCV positive?  I met a really great guy, and things got pretty hot, so I did the right thing and told him the truth about being HCV positive, and about the drug use 21 years ago that caused it.  He is afraid he will get it from me if we were to have sex, and the thing that really gets him is that he could get it from my toothbrush.  That is the one thing that really sticks in his mind.  This guy is smart and well educated, and I think he is overreacting, but then again I freaked out, too, when I found out I was positive.  I was sick in 1985, got better, and nothing since.  My liver enzymes are normal, as are my liver sonograms.  I don't think treatment is even realistic for me. I weigh 102 lbs, and don't think I'd make it through treatment.  I am quite healthy as long as I don't drink.  I am just wondering how other people deal with this situation, in the world of internet dating, etc.  I have a friend with herpes, who was met with similar reactions, and she said she just doesn't say anything anymore.  Thanks for your thoughts and feelings on this, I have lost sleep and weight over this one.

[fishdoc]

dump him.  You didn't meet a really great guy, you just thought you did.  My 24th anniversary was the 1st, and my husband, sons, and my family are negative, and I'm a nasty woman!!  My mom just grosses out regarding sexual issues, even french kissing...lets just say I don't.... if it was gonna be spread to a partner... mine would be in trouble..  So sounds like this guy is not too bright, and who wants a potential father for your children that is stupid??   Natural selection, dump him!!!

[can-do-man]

Risk from sex is very very low. If he doesn't want to learn about hep-c then your better off without him. As for toothbrush why in the world would he want to use your tooyhbrush? For goodness sakes take a couple bucks and buy your own. There would be some risk in the toothbrush if gums were bleeding. This is a blood to blood virus. But most people don't understand it. As for your health you really should find a good GI or hepatologist and get your geno type and a bx. This is usually a slow moving virus so you have time to decide whats best for you. But please at least find out where you stand. Best of luck to you going forward.

[can-do-man]

says...... and who wants a potential father for your children that is stupid??

HEY was that a cheap shot at me? Takes one to know one

[lilmoma]

DITTO WHAT FISHDOC SAYS
Dump him,.....your deserve more from a partner.
lilmoma

[can-do-man]

GEEZ, if he doesn't know about hep-c but is willing to learn. Give us men a break. Its always give me give me give me. Then out you go. Here kitty kitty. :) HAHAHA

[can-do-man]

For got to welcome you to the funny farm, hope you come back with any questions. The farm is open 24/7 and its always free. Plus as you might know were no doctors just hep-c people who are treating, waiting, or done treating. Take care

[Rogirl]

I agree with others--this guy isn't worth it.  I think you did the right thing in telling him--and his reaction tells you volumes about the type of person he is.  But--there is a huge misconception out in the public domain regarding hepc--and part of that is because more research is occurring.  Some research suggests 30% of hepc individuals contracted via "community exposure"--and what exactly does that mean--tattoo application, ear piercing, nail salons, etc.  Percentages vary regarding sexual transmission but it does occur--even if it is only 1%--someone will fall into that category.

[jmjm530]

Assuming you told him before you had sex so it's not a matter that he doesn't trust you...

I think this is a normal initial reaction and if the fellow means something to you (and vice versa) hopefully with time and a little education he will come around. On the other hand, if it's just a casual fling for him, maybe he figures why take the risk (albeit small) if things aren't going anywhere.

Lots of threads on whether and when to tell a potential sex partner and lots of different opinion. Some say if you use protection it's not necessary to reveal, others disagree. I told several women I had hep c, and to some it didn't matter, to some it did. As you mentioned, you were freaked out yourself when first diagnosed -- you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Regarding the toothbrush, I never kept my toothbrush, brushes, nail clippers in the bathroom when "company" was around -- always put away in a drawer. Instead I had a fresh new one out just in case.

I understand your reluctance to treat but even given your normal enzymes and sonogram, you may still have liver damage, possibly significant liver damage. Easiest way to find out is with needle biopsy. Do you know your genotype?

BTW given your screen name, I'm assuming your a doctor? Curious about what speciality, etc?

Thanks for sharing your experience.

-- Jim

[anneinMD]

Thanks for the thoughts, all.  He isn't stupid in any sense of the word, but certainly underinformed about Hep C.  He led a more sheltered life than myself due to the nature of his work. I have a pretty checkered past, but that is way in the past, and I am looking to be involved with higher quality people than I once did, and it seems the general population doesn't know much about this disease. I gave him some websites that I thought were pretty informative, but he is still freaked out. I told him to ask his doctor or a medical professional for advice on this one. My daughter is negative, and I'm pretty sure her father is as well,(the lazy ******* won't get tested) and we had sex when both of us were bleeding, lol.  Well I know I was in more ways than one (what a visual).  This is my first experience coming out of that relationship of 9 years, and having to confront someone new about this.  I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago, and my doctors aren't recommending treatment at this point because of the normal liver enzymes.  I have standing orders to get them checked every 6 months.  I agree, why would I want to make myself that sick, just so I could say it is cleared from my blood?  My one doctor described my infection as dormant.  We aren't talking about a potential father for my children here, I'm 44 yrs old, don't want to be going through the change and changing diapers!

[jmjm530]

annein:
"I was diagnosed 3 yrs ago, and my doctors aren't recommending treatment at this point because of the normal liver enzymes."
----------------------------------------
You can have normal liver enzymes and still have significant liver damage. You may want to get a second opinion at this point regarding having a biopsy to confirm your decision to hold off treatment.  BTW if you're not a medical doctor, you might think about changing your screen name since it may mislead others. This is just my personal opinion and I have no official status with Med Help.

-- Jim

[anneinMD]

No, I'm not a doctor.  I live in MD.  I'd be a much more reputable source of information to him if I was, even though not a neutral party, which is what I encouraged him to do-find a neutral party that has reputable info - ie a doctor or medical professional.  I gave him a couple links, told him to do his own research, God knows I did mine when I first found out. And you are right about giving him space, I made sure to let him know that my initial reactions were not good, in fact, I did the worst thing I could possibly do, and drank over it.  The fact that I  heard back from him after the initial conversation is a good sign, because I really hadn't expected to at all.  This has made me think it is time to discuss my options again with my doctor.  I have an HMO, but there is an excellent GI doctor within the practice, that I learned about from a support group.  I am going to make an appointment on Monday with my primary.  I have no clue what my viral load is, pretty sure I don't have damage.  The sonograms would most likely have turned that up, but more info might be good at this point.

[Chriskid]

I always view this question as a sales problem.  In those instances where I find myself on the verge with someone I’m always up front about my condition.  Immediately after owning up I produce the documents that show there really isn’t much chance of a problem.  

The truth is before I had this knowlege I was scared to death of infecting a partner.

http://www.hcvadvocate.org/hepatitis/easyfacts/Sex.pdf#search='hep%20c%20and%20sex'

http://www.natap.org/2005/HCV/033005_02.htm

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/Hepatitis/Current/Q163489.html

http://www.goaskalice-cms.org/1285.html

[sfbaygirl]

Too bad you aren't an MD, I was about to pick your brain LOL.  My husband and I have had risky sex for 8 years and he just tested negitive for Hep C.  I has to be pretty damn difficult to get it through sex.  

I agree you should see a GI and from what I hear, get a liver biopsy to tell what damage has been done to your liver.  You sure don't want to tx,  if you at a very low stage w/ no damage (especially for this guy!)  Do the treatment for yourself, don't make decisions based on some guy.  There are lots of great Quality men out there.  I know b/c I went out with some slime balls before I decided that I needed to raise my standards.  I was married last summer to an intelligent wonderful guy.  He knew about the Hep C and married me anyway.  Good Luck!

[RobBetz]

normal liver enzymes do not correlate with liver damage...it is known that with Chirrosis one may have normal LFT's...everyone is different

--Robert (47/48 down)

[susan400]

If he was so worried about it, he could always use a condom and stay about from your toothbrush!  It's very low on the risk scale to catch Hep C from monogamous (single partner) sex.  I don't have periods so no blood exposure there.  I'd say the riskiest would be anal sex because of the way that you get more tears and cuts in that area.  If your guy would just do some reading and do so with an open mind, he'd see that there are ways to have sex with a Hep C person without putting yourself at risk.  My gosh, it's more dangerous to walk out your front door and just going through every day activities than it is to have sex with someone with Hep C.

Susan

[anneinMD]

Well, they say everything happens for a reason.  I did tell him before we had sex, so we never had sex.  Maybe he is just after sex, if that is the case, no harm done, I want more than that.  I went so far to tell him that I was glad it didn't happen and maybe it was a good thing.  A good relationship is based on friendship IMO, and time will tell here.  This will get me off my butt on Monday and start dealing with this with the doctors again.  I did depo for birth control before, so no periods with that, could do it again as I have been off for about a year and a half.  I think he is a little obsessed with the whole toothbrush thing.  I guess he thinks that if you can get it from that, then maybe they are wrong about the rate of sexual transmission.  If my gums are bleeding, well he's already been there...yeah, just stay away from that toothbrush!

[returntosender]

I have had this virus for 35 years.  With my first wife for 15 years and second wife (the good one) for last 15 (time almost up - anyone looking for a worn out 55 year old hepper? Only three shots to go - future looks bright! LOL).  

I have only known about being positive for about ten of those years. I told both of them.  Both were tested.  I have three kids who were tested.  No one has this disease but me.  Neither partner looked down at me or treated me like a leper.  In fact, my sexual relationship with my second wife did not change at all after my diagnosis.  I think it has something to do with being in love - or that I am such a hottie that they cant resist me!

[Algernon]

I got divorced just a few years ago, facing the dating world with knowledge of my HepC for the first time (having learned of this virus about 25 years after contracting it--there were a "few" partners prior to my marriage...)

Anyway, I met someone and worried and worried over how to tell him about HepC.  He happened to be an ER doc and the news didn't even phase him.  I dread telling the next person (if I happen to relapse after this treatment)...but I will tell.  Hell, condoms (and toothbrushes) are cheap.  (BTW: the ER doc never even worried about using a condom and we dated for a couple of years).

Something to keep in mind:  Saying no or yes to sex with a HepC person doesn't make you a good or bad guy.  No guarantees...

[anneinMD]

Funny you should use the word leper.  I wrote this guy a long note and I told him his reaction made me feel like one,and that his reaction pretty much put out the fire that I felt for him after our night together.  This is a wakeup call, if his heart is in the right place, he'll come around.  As far as that other part of him, it is in the right place right now, too, still in his pants.

[can-do-man]

annien says........  This will get me off my butt on Monday and start dealing with this with the doctors again.

Well good for you, remember you come first. Now you said monday even though my mind is shot i do have a good memory.:) And your right if all he cares about is sex then you don't need him. You take care and let us know how things go ok? Take care of yourself, hope to see you post more. And sometimes you just have to overlook me, my evil twin sometimes takes over.

[amirtracy]

Hi! Hope you're doing well. Thanks for asking after me a few threads down, i responded but i think it got buried. i'm doing okay, it was dyce that wasn't sleeping, but thanks for the link for ambien. i'd love some just for every now and then but i'm sure my gi would just refer me back to my pcp. you know the loop. anyway i hope you're hanging in there, reading your posts always makes me smile. take care can-do....tracy

[sunspot]

I like your outlook and you seem to be forthright. Why don’t you stick around? At least let us know what your genotype and viral load is after you test. You may luck out with a VL of <10 and not have to go through treatment.

Dana

[can-do-man]

Your gi shouldn't have a problem writing the rx. He knows this tx better then your pcp. Glad your doing ok. Print it off and give it a try. Thanks for the kind words and 'hanging in there'is about it for now.:(

As for dyce not sure if he really knows if he's sleeping or not. He was suppose to put a head cam on his hard hat and do a header off the roof whle flapping is arms like a bird brain. So we'd all have a video to watch. Still waiting though.

[amirtracy]

thanks. i've got an appt. next week, i'll see what he'll say. i'm sorry you're not feeling better. is there anything i can do? tracy

[can-do-man]

says.......is there anything i can do? ........ Now thats a loaded question.:) Thanks but i don't feel as bad as alot here do. Still have the link? Do try, my hepo is the one that gives me any rx.

[amirtracy]

i won't get started but i thought it might make you smile....t.

A man has six children...    

     A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[jakeone29]

My advise  is tell NO ONE  ABSOLUTLY NO ONE Other then of course PEOPLE YOU TRUST YOUR LIFE WITH. The straight facts about this disease are  , it is associated with Alcoholism, Junkies and Dirty Needles period . If you tell family members be prepared because the odds are some will treat,look and act different around you. So if your not prepared for that sort of reaction , then dont ..  As for work forget it , those people are not your family,, and will only gossip, gossip, and YOU lose control of who YOU tell. No, after  25 years of this and I have and still have seen Doctors and other educated professionals look at me  differently   (NOT PARANOID LOL).. No this isnt breast cancer my dear ,, where everyone wants a ribbon to wear and more money has been spent on advertisment for fun runs etc,  then Hep C research. BE AWARE  BEWARE and start reading the basic facts about this HEp C  ,, oh by the way  this is a blood to blood disease  remember that. Your nurse may have it , your Doctor, the Cop on the corner , the Med tech in the ambulance they are all high risk  BLOOD TO BLOOD TRANSMISSION   as far as anyone knows at least.  Pick your r familly and freinds that you will tell ,  come to the fourms , speak to your medical team.. never hang your head ,, be strong and get better..     hmmm that felt good  ,, i needed a good riba rant   YAHOOOO
Jake\
genotype 1A / week 19 of tx  

[52TELE]

DUMP HIM!
If he doesn't feel comfortable with you , he's really not going to like us. But then , he doesn't want to sleep with us does he...

[jakeone29]

oh sorry but i havent had to go through the new partner thing. Oh my .. what can i say ,, dump him or educate him and fast.
jake

[can-do-man]

Yep that made me laugh, one i'll remember this week when i go to the blood sucking Docs office. Thanks

[dyce]

Whatta ya into , ain't mixin rocket fuel in the garage are we .LOL I sure can sleep on this pegasus , heck , maybe I should do a shot everyday .

[can-do-man]

Nope not after the clorox and brake fluid didn't work. Oh well gavr the neighbors a good laugh. When cuteus said there was antifreeze in this interferon. For a few minutes i had some thoughts. But like always my thoughts seem to leave pretty fast. Oh well probably for the best anyway.

[dyce]

Ya notice , jims missin. He took the conselin good , he is probably sparkin that health food gal . Riba saturday and he may roll the dice and get luckey and do sumthin healthy out there tonitre with that health gal. Hee haw

[dyce]

The engine is a hummin, may get luckey me self tonite.

[anneinMD]

Thanks all, for the support and the laughs.  I'll post back when I know more from the docs, or at least that I made the appt.  I'm going to take a look around the forum.  Y'all are great!  Anne

[ohgreat]

hope this isnt to graphic...but...

My girlfriend and I got all kinds of crazy with our lovin.  Defginately not what most people consider safest of sex.  We would even have sex during her menstration periods. (she needs a lot of lovin' and snugglin')  We have been seperated for the last 4 months because she is in a treatment center.  I was terribly relieved to find out last week she is HVC -.   It must be really, really hard to get this through sex.  It's not listed as an STD for a reason.

Hopefully you guys had all kinds of crazy sex already, he can get tested and realize its hard to get that way.

[strator]

Thanks Annie, Tough topic but to be honest this was a big fear to me when I first found out I had hep c and was just learning about it. Though in the beginning I never had the nerve to bring up the topic with anyone who knew anything about hep c. Here I was actually getting clean and sober ready to start my life over, thinking maybe I'd actually one day get in a relationship that wasn't based on booze, drugs and sex,(usually in that order)and BOOM.
'Oh Don, nice job cleaning up but BTW, you have hep c.'
Love, God.'
I thought somebody popped the pink cloud on me and nobody would ever want me. Yes I did drink over it but eventually the pain of addiction got bad enough and I got that open mindedness that seems reserved for the sick and dying, or those that think their sick and dying. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted anything else.
Anyways for me I'm sober a few years  I'm willing to take anything God gives me to work with in life, and I'll do what I can about the hep first(shot#34tonight), and worry about a healthy relationship when the potential is there to warrant worry about.
But I have to tell you, it sounds like you've done everything right to help him learn about the disease, admitting your own original fears and all. You really sound like you'll find the right decision whether it's let him go or tough it out. Maybe both of you need to make believe sex wasn't an option in the realtionship for a while and see if either of you would really wanna pursue it. But one thought, any people realtionship(love, work, family) where fear takes more space than trust and faith, sounds pretty rocky. I've seen people change their stigmas and predjudices, by being open and given some time. It takes strength, if he's willing to try and change maybe you do have a winner.
Well now Annie, remember one important thing about my ramblings on realtionships. I thought I was in a 'relationship' when I climbed a fire escape, drunk at 3oclock AM, tapped on this young lasses window to be let in, and realized it was the 3rd time in 3mos I'd been there. 'Hey this must be a realtionship.'
Welcome to the forum, the best to you,
Don

[fishdoc]

sure, you got, you obviously need one..

[Forseegood]

Fishdoc: completely agree with with everything you said...I'd take this tact re dating and disclosure...I'd get to know a person a little before I'd spring this on them...firstly, you don't know that you would want a relationship with a person till after getting to KNOW them...it's the same with them...I don't see where it's soooo important to tell a person you just met or that you are just casually dating, assuming of course that you don't just jump into bed on the first date! ha ha, Oh yes, I remember the 70's and 80s! but we're in the next century now!

If after you have decided that you care for this person, and he/she for you...then tell them about this, give them all the said education, research on it....about the very low risk of sexual transmission (and besides, I'd use protection till I got some sign that it was indeed, very, very serious and monagamous, you gotta protect yourself as well)...I wouldn't tell some person I just met a lot of intimate things about myself, because there isn't any need till you get to know someone pretty well...after all, dating can be casual, it's a way to get to know if you want to proceed with someone, or not...and let's be honest, there's a whole lot of "not's" out there, ha ha!

I have to put some importance on my own observation, though it's not scientific, there isn't a whole studies (hopefully, that's changing) or a lot of follow-up by the scientific community on this disease so we're left with little else...if someone came on the boards and the support groups and said, you know, I took pill A-B for hep and it made me violently ill, then 10 more people say the same thing, then 30, and there was no positive feedback about pill A-B, you know? I'd be really hesitant to take the A-B pill...

I have said this many times, I'm a researcher by nature and it's part of my profession, (and there are many here as well) and I go to a lot of boards, info groups, support groups, etc. and I've talked to many, many people personally about their own experiences with the disease, not to mention many docs and researchers...and I've yet to meet one person that was *sure* they got this through sexual transmission....there have been a few that have said that they weren't completely sure WHERE they got it, but the vast majority have said, IV use, blood transfusion, hospital accident because of being a health care worker, even tatoos....

In the support groups and on the boards, I've talked to many people who are in long term marriages and relationships, and they have *all* said that their partner does not have it, even though they went without protection when they didn't know they had the disease....the only times they have said there partner *does* have it is if the partner engaged in risky behavior as well...this all leads me to believe that sexual transmission is not a really great way to get contract this disease...unless it involves risky behaviors like anal sex...many docs and researchers think this way as well...

It's not like AIDs where there is much more of a sexual transmission element to it and that has been borne out...that's not to say you shouldn't even pay attention to the sexual transmission aspect, but this is what I've come up with....

Annie: I'm probably not telling you anything you don't know, but your saying that you "drank over" this guy freaking out about your diagnosis kind of gave me pause...as you know, drinking is a great pastime if it's about doing a little celebrating or getting a little giddy with friends, etc....and if it's done "moderately"...but drinking over problems or a crisis *could* indicate a bit of a problem...and anyway, for someone who is diagnosed with this disease it becomes a moot point because you just can't drink with this disease, period...nothing will accelerate this disease like alcohol...I hope you already know this...best of luck and know that you'll be okay...

[Forseegood]

now I got it...you've got to be a crisis counselor! youre tact and polite demeanor is what gave you away!!!

[fishdoc]

Its always nice when people actually give more than their opinion... we all know about opinions... and I think you and don gave her a well rounded, diplomatic unbiased point of view...I, on the other hand, have actually been told I'm a "pushy broad", and that was by the hubby what loves me!!  That said, this is America (at least where I am sitting), and by virtue of the constitution, I am entitled to express my opinion... even if I am wrong... which has happened a couple of times lately!!!  Thanks to you both for having a calming perspective...hope your Sunday goes well....

[Forseegood]

hi, it's all good isn't it? I'm always surprised at how many typos and bad punctuation I have in my morning posts...ha ha! my brainfog is worst in the morning I guess...

Anywhooo, I don't consider you a pushy broad??? don't want to get all FEMINIST here this early on a Sunday, but isn't it funny when a women states her opinion she's sometime considered pushy, or bit*chy...but a guy is considered powerful and assertive?

That's why I think we're a long way from having a female president...L.Bush is prized and revered for being calm and behind the scenes, mostly keeping her opinions and strategies to herself; not assertive and ready with opinions...she seems like a very nice lady but those are big reasons she's so well liked, being a woman on the political scene...sorry for the ramblings...ha ha!

[anneinMD]

I didn't drink over this guy. He (or any other person for that matter) is sooo not worth it.  I drank over my diagnosis 3 yrs ago.  I have been sober almost 3 years at this point (after having 13 before my mid-life crisis and relapse).  I don't think I have another recovery in me, and the last round was a whole lot more not fun than it was fun, so I don't even have a desire to drink.  The drinking made my enzymes go way high, and I got really sick from it.Just needed to clear that up.

[Forseegood]

sorry for the misunderstanding...really glad youre sober now...as you can see, this isn't an automatic death sentence for the vast, vast majority of people, you have options and it is a slow moving disease...best of luck to you!

[GoofyDad]

Strator: Don't feel bad, I thought it was a relationship when Dolly the sheep let me start keeping a spare toothbrush in the barn!

Anne: I all honesty, if I was ignorant about Hep C, which I would be had I not been diagnosed, I would definitely have some reservation about beginnig a physical relationship with someone who was infected. I mean, who wouldn't? Believe me, I'm neither a biggot nor a prude, but the news would give me pause. I'm not saying it would be a show stopper, but I'd need to understand more. Frankly, I'd be concerned about a potential partner who didn't take a cautionary approach.

I think your approach about having him seek medical advice is great. I'd probably do the same, but would maybe try to go along for the ride... but that's just me.

BTW, I did enter into what turned out to be a long term serious relationship with a gal who disclosed a herpes infection years ago.

Good luck -- and welcome to the group.

[fishdoc]

Spacedude, I really don't think we are preaching about worrying about catching the disease...if you notice her post, he freaked, and even after getting some education, he was still freeked.... from my perspective, based on the information at hand-the guys a loser.  Not because he has concerns, but because even after gathering information, it appears it was all ABOUT HIM, and what about her??  She has a potentially life threatening illness, and its all about her toothbrush? Give me a break.... life is too short to waste time on the meme people...