Serious DEPRESSION while ending tx

Dear Friends, There are times since starting tx that I understood why, before beginning HCV meds, those with bipolar disorder need a note of approval from their psychiatrist first. This is one of those times.  We started to taper off the Inter/Riba a few weeks ago, and it has been hell.  Thank God we didn't go cold turkey, because for sure, I would have ended up at the local bridge or hospital.  My mind has become my greatest enemy and worst nightmare.  Other than starting tx, it hasn't been like this for over 8 years, when I found the combo of meds that got me stable for the bipolar.  I knew of the warnings and still decided to do this, so I take FULL responsibility for my current difficulties, but it's been HELL nonetheless.  I hope I get it (SVR) this time, because I may not have it in me to do this again.  I'm already barely hanging in.  I'd take the physical symptoms (migraines, diahhrea, vomiting, fatigue) over the psychological ones ANY day of the week.  If you have any positive, encouraging or supportive words or similar experiences to share I would really appreciate them.  Or, if you feel inclined to say a prayer for me, feel free.  At this point I need any and all the help I can get. Thanks, you guys.  I'm scared.  Aiuta

[jmjm530]

Sorry you're going through all this. Treating as you have, knowing you had bipolar, demonstrates the kind of courage I can't even imagine. God does have a special place for people like you and I'm sure you will be in his protection. I will definitely say a prayer tonight. If anyone can get through this it is you.

Feel better soon,

-- Jim

[domusic]

Dear Aiuta,

Your courage is indeed a gift of God and I am confident He has His hand on you providing what you need to endure this. And I will also pray that He bring you comfort, in a way ONLY GOD can.

Bless you and be strong,
Doug

[aiuta]

Dear Jim, domusic, golden, Grand Oak, Shastri, B-bunch, chenme, Lady E & Scooby,

Thanks so much for what you wrote.  You guys really are the best.  Reading your posts was like getting a 1000mg dose of Prozac (normal range 20-80mg).  I feel like God just swooped down and wrapped me in His loving hands - only they were YOUR hands.  There are times in life when we are fortunate enough to make a real difference in someone else's life.  That is what you all just did for me.  Thanks for reminding me that I have strength, courage and that my life makes a difference.   I know it sounds ridiculous to say, but I feel like a worthless, piece of sh%$ and failure in these dark  moments.  I have enough experience to know that depression is rarely logical and that just because I FEEL a certain way does not mean it is the reality.  The pain, anguish, emptiness and void all feel so vast, bleak and all-encompassing though.  I do wish I could escape my body and mind when I am like this.  Your words, support and prayers gave me a reprieve and I TRULY THANK each and every one of you for that.  God bless you all and thank you again, Aiuta

[goldyn]

Im goig to pray that the Lord will lift you up, and shine his love light allover you tonight, and that you can find comfort in his arms , and an ease of mind to know he is there for you always....
                God Bless Auita

[GrandOak]

It's said we're never given more than we can handle and that an exit is always provided.  I know when I was on tx, there were times when I thought I couldn't go any further but could see an exit either.  But as I continued to push forward, the relief finally did come and I believe I learned that perhaps I could handle more than I thought I could. From it I have learned that sometimes I just need to believe and perservere trusting that the relief will come just when I need it most.

It's hard to explain, but hope this might help.

[shastri20032003]

Dear Aiuta,my initial impressions about are proven right.You are very courageous and I am sure you will get thru this difficult period

I am sorry I  cannot offer you any advise since I am a newbie but you can be sure I will say a prayer for you today

He has always helped me whenever I has needed Him in difficult situations

Call Him with all your heart and I am sure He will listen and help you
God Bless You
Shastri

[B-bunch]

Hi Aiuta,
When I stopped TX, I got all puffy and had red bumps like pimples that itched and had blood inside them. What a blast huh? All this was in addition to an overwelming sense of I guess you would call it depression, I am not prone to depression but I just didn't care about anything. I called up a minister friend for a chat,  the reason I called him ,I think is because I needed some spiritual help but I didn't know how to go about it.
I just sort of blurted out that I didn't really give a **** if I lived or died. Looking back now I can't believe I did that, it just goes to show how powerful those drugs are even if you aren't prone to depression doom & gloom. My minister friend was very cool about it he suggested I order this Bible that was translated into everyday language by the scholar Eugene Peterson. I told him that I had never really read the bible, just bits and pieces. It's called The Message-The Bible in Contemporary Language by Eugene H. Peterson. It was the perfect thing for me. Now if I'm feeling like a zero, I just pick up this book and read a little, it takes away most morbid thoughts of depression and just helps to give some perspective on life.

I had to drop out of my first TX because of anemia and I am waiting to get started for my second go-round. I'm bracing myself and I'm better armed this time, I know what to expect. It is a bit like dipping your toe in hell isn't it?
Stay on the good foot.....
Sharon

[chcnme]

Hi Auita. I'm sure you are scared.  I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could do more to help.  I will keep you in my prayers.  

[Lady E]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this hell at the end of your tx. Surely you've been through enough already. You have been so brave, a real trooper & I admire & respect you. I can only suggest that you keep your chin up and hang in there through the rest of this.

You will be in my prayers as you move onward and near the end of this tx journey.
Your friend,
-E

[scubadiver30]

Sabes que siempre estar

[Htownwife]

This treatment can be pure hell. I'm so proud of you for treating as long as you have and enduring so much. I really wish that you didn't have to suffer with these horrible side effects of treatment right now.

My husband, who is also treating, had to get on AD's about halfway through. He, too, began suffering from extreme depression.....and even though he also knew about the warnings and was apprehensive about starting treatment because of them, treated anyway and was shocked at the psychological effects of this stuff. He said that even knowing it was chemically induced didn't make him feel better.

I'm SO SORRY you're going through this. You are in my prayers, and please know that God knows what you're dealing with, He IS with you, He loves you, and you will get through this!!

Please let us know how you are doing!
God bless you!!

[susan400]

Hi there Aiuta.  I have said a prayer for you, too.  I know that the Lord has carried me during those times when I've been so low that I didn't feel like I could even breathe.  I still have more of a tendency towards being a depressed type of person and it's a daily, step by step, process for me.  I've tried the whole anti-D thing, and FOR ME, I couldn't tolerate them.  But, I do believe that they work for alot of people, so I'm not going to discount them at all. My son has severe mental illness and the psych meds, when his meds are adjusted right, makes all the difference in the world in his ability to function.  He's also a believer, too, but with schizo-affective disorder/bipolar type and borderline personality disorder, there's no way that he's able to function w/o his meds.  So, I understand how you must be feeling at times.  God be w/you.
Susan

[goldyn]

Im goig to pray that the Lord will lift you up, and shine his love light allover you tonight, and that you can find comfort in his arms , and an ease of mind to know he is there for you always....
                God Bless Auita

[GrandOak]

Chev55 makes a good point.  They even sell lamps and bulbs now for people to get the same effects of the sun light when they are unable to do so naturally.  I know the receptionist at my office uses one to help with her bouts of depression, particularily during winter here in the northland.

[compulsive]

You ARE brave, thoughtful, intellegent, and compassionate.  I am so sorry to hear that your psych symptoms have become so difficult at a time when you would like to be feeling relief and pride at finishing a difficult task.  Waiting for your system to adjust to all the chemical changes from tx withdrawal can't be easy.


The impulses and thoughts are only that.  They do NOT define you.  The fact that they are overwhelming right now does NOT define you.    You are a brave, and lovely human BEING and NOT a disease.  Please remember that every stuggle you endure is part of what makes you the very special and loveable individual that you ARE.  The fact that you must struggle takes NOTHING from your value as an individual, in fact your struggles make you MORE valuable because of your expierience and wisdom.


  I have high hopes for you ...

[aiuta]

Htownwife: Thanks for what you said.  I am sorry your husband went through it too.  The darndest thing about depression is that is does not always (or often in my experience) respond to reasoning.  I am a reasonably intelligent girl, and even when I intellectually know I am depressed, the feeling often persists.  It's like this big black hole that just takes over and it tells me that it's always been like this, it will always be like this and life is too painful to continue living.  It tells me I never fit in, I never will fit in and therefore life is just not worth it.  It's at times like this that I truly realize that this is a mental illness, not just some fleeting feeling of sadness, sorrow or self-pity.  Thankfully it usually brings me to my knees AND to others-- not places I would have necessarily chosen to go, but places I certainly need to go.  Thanks again for what you shared and I hope your husband is doing better now and that the depression will go away and stay away when he is off the meds.  



Elaine:  You have always been so kind and sweet.  Thank you for being so once again.  I very much appreciate your support and I hope this note finds you and your son well.

-A

[beamishboy]

trx sucks!..post-trx depression was a v difficult time for me.. a mangled mental mash-up which dragged me around by the short hairs...it gets bettr!! treat yourself with great indulgence& supreme kindness..Do Not expect instant relief-but you will feel better soon..GOOD LUCK!!! and take great good care

[Imagine]

My heart goes out to you aiuta! You are a very couragious individual. I admire your spirit for trying to get through tx knowing it could very well cause the problems you are experiencing now. I know when I finished tx I went through some terrible mood swings but they went away after awhile. I hope you are able to sleep because lack of it will aggravate the situation even more. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope you get well soon!

[MissMiss]

BTW, I love your screen name!

I must have been 6-8 weeks post tx when a very serious depression came over me, not that I didn't have at least some previous.  But this one came on like a tsunami just overnight!  I honestly wondered if I was capable of hurting someone and even myself.  I knew it was serious because, like you, I knew the signs.  I quit posting, quit calling friends, just plain quit living over night.  So I hauled my buttocks to the doc lickity split, remember the doctor eyeing me out of the corner of his eye, like I had never seen him do before.  I had to assure him there was enough sanity left to make sure that I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else.  

Whatever he gave me worked quickly, Celexa generic I think.  So, since it came on so very quickly and left so quickly, I have to think maybe Celexa had nothing to do with it and that is was leftover from tx.  Noone got hurt either!  

You're finished with tx now so I pray you get a handle on this very quickly.  Maybe once controlled and the time from EOT increases you may not need as much as you did before.  

Either way, just know there is a remedy for you, one that will bring the joy and happiness back to you.  Til then, keep looking for little things that make you happy.  Things that will remind you life is good.  It can only get better from here.  

And you know we are all here when you need a hand.  

Hugs, smiles and prayers your way.

miss

[GrandOak]

God works through us and so our hands are His hands.  Also, by the Blood of the Lamb and our testamony is the red dragon defeated.  You have a testamony to share and as such have meaning.  Remember that He knew you before He placed the stars in the heavens, knitted you in your mothers womb, and keeps you as the apple of His eye.

Hard to grasp sometimes that this promise is for each and everyone of us all at the same time, but then again His thoughts are not our thoughts and His understanding is much greater than ours could ever possibly be.  Perhaps one day the other 90% of our brains will be used to bring us closer to being able to better understand.

One approach I took which helped me greatly was to not dwelling so much on what I was feeling and how it was affecting me, but rather to learn how what I was going through might be what someone else, perhaps with another disease (i.e. Lukemia, Cancer, auto-immune, etc.), might experience the same and thus by doing so better understand their burden and be more empathetic towards them.

[chcnme]

I have to ditto what GO said -- "wise words" and thank you, GO.

[Chev55]

Hey, Auita, just know here's another person with you in their thoughts and prayers.  I believe there are others that will read this as well that may not respond but have you in their thoughts.

And know too, you're helping someone else by expressing this.  Someone else knows they are not alone when reading your words.  Depression with tx and post-tx is not uncommon.

I started treatment at 48 yrs of age, and like Scott, I had never experienced depression during all my years prior to tx.  I was happy go-lucky, free spirited, energetic individual with a real zest for life.  I don't know how to explain how Interferon works on our brain - all I know I was apathetic during treatment and working at less than 50%.  After tx, I looked around, realizing the world did not stop for me; nor did the lives of my family and friends - they kept going and I had, what appeared to me, a lot of catching up to do and it was overwhelming, depressing.  I experienced a high motivation deficit.  Two years later, the depression is gone.  I find myself excited about life, the present and the future and find myself smiling and laughing easily.  So it was temporary for me (but it was a LONG time coming post treatment).  You've mentioned a good combination was met for your bi-polar prior to tx  - you will find that balance again.  That is a difficult disease to deal with.  My sister-in-law has this diagnosis, so it has hit close to home.  I am impressed with your courage in tackling treatment with this struggle.   Hang in there.  Better days will come.

You're psych pysician has probably already mentioned these things.  Bask in the light and not only His Light but even 20 minutes seated beside a sunny window is good light therapy.  Can't explain it scientifically, something about serotonin and I know it worked for me.  I can't remember what part of the globe you live but spring is around the corner in these parts.  

I know motivation is especially low with depression but move as much as possible.  Now that your hep physician has lowered your Tx meds, getting your heart rate up when possible will release endorphins.  I've always called those the 'feel good floaties' of the brain.

Keep you goals for yourself lower.  For myself, I know there was nothing more defeating than not accomplishing something I put on my list.  Make those lists small.

Know, Auita, you're not alone experiencing Tx depression.  Continue to express it here because as you can see others will listen and offer words of comfort and encouragement and lift you up - when you feel like it is impossible to get up.   I am glad you came by.  Those of us that have been there, really understand where you're at.   I hope you can truly feel the loving, strong embrace from this community.

[ladybug52]

If you ever doubted you were loved, this should be proof positive that so many people are pulling for you, praying for you, and sincerely care about you. You are very brave to have tackled the treatment when you knew it would be more difficult for you.
I have known people who had to stop tx due to the psych issues and this was one of my biggest fears going into tx. I have been on a/d's for about 5 years but the meds for tx have increased my anxiety. I have to redirect my mind when I get tired or am overwhelmed. Not that you have a choice in how you feel and can just redirect your thoughts, I mean if it's hard for me it must be hell for your brain chemistry to endure.
I feel like this tx has brought me closer in my relationship with God. I needed a wake-up call that He was in control of my life. Hope you find the combo of meds to help you stable out and you will be in my prayers.

[ladybug52]

Also, I love your screen name. Does it stand for anything or is it your name? How do you pronounce it? Curious.

[hepcD]

Aiuta .... Your not alone . My worst sx has also been severe depression. I know you have been threw alot. Our minds are our worst enemies. This will pass and when you have completed tx things will become better. I isolated myself from the world. I am working on reconnecting with people in my life . It seems to be helping me. I also stop being so hard on myself. We are not to blame for the bad or tragic things that happen to us. You will only become a prisoner of your own mind.

[aiuta]

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your words and that I was led to this Forum in the first place.  In your own ways, you each have said such wise and inspiring things, certainly comments that that inspired and encouraged me, as well as given me hope.  Hope, encouragement, support, wise and kind words and the reminder that there IS a God as well as friendship (and sunlight, anti-depressants and mood stabilizers) are all very helpful at times like this.  You guys are AMAZING!  Literally amazing.  I have heard it said that we are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.  THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing that with me.  And Grand Oak that was beautifully said.  Compulsive, thank you for reminding me that I am MORE than my illness, and that it is something I have, NOT who I am. I send an e-hug and thank you to each and every one of you who responded.  I will read and re-read the wisdom, love and support in this thread whenever I need to.  With love and thanks, Aiuta

P.S.  AIUTA means HELP in Italian.  It is the imperative form of the word, and it seemed an accurate represention of me well when I arrived here, as I was calling out (or screaming) for help.  More or less, in English it would be pronounced eye-U-ta, with the accent on the U.  Thanks to you all, I now may have to change my user name to GRAZIE MILLE which in Italian means THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.  God bless you all.

[ladybug52]

Thank You for sharing yourself with us! We need reminders that God reaches us thru others. Your story has touched me deeply and affected so many others as well. Take care, keep in touch. Reach out any time you need help, there are so many here wanting to help and support you.