Stress on the Family- Stress on me. I can't take a separation.

Things are getting harder by the day, now my Wife, who has been so supportive is saying she can't take it anymore and wants to separate. She says that I Am overbearing and verbaly abusive. I live for my family and my kids, and i dont know what to do. I am very ittitable sometimes, I just came back from the Doctor's office and they want me to see a psychiatrist, as I am very Disraeught. What does this all mean, what shall I do? I feel that my only strenth came from the love of my family, my own strenth is so depleted.What do I do if my wife wants to separate from me?

[jmjm530]

I'm treating alone but I'm sure you will get a lot of good experience/advice from those here who are treating/treated while married or in relationships.

Not to belittle your situation, but you might try sitting down with your wife and reading her a recent thread (below)entitled "Riba Rage". Some responses have a  bit of humor but the seriousness is right under the skin. Hopefully, it may help you both feel you're not alone in this very trying situation.

The drugs really do change us but the important thing is to remember we will come back to normal when treatment is finished. At the same time, given your situation,  you have to take action like seeing a shrink and going on AD's or sedatives, whatever makes sense. And you have to let your wife know you will do whatver it takes to make things better. You also should check with some hep c support groups in your area and maybe even bring her to a meeting.

Good luck and feel free to have your wife come on line to talk to us, if she is so inclined.

[1fairygirl]

(((biophil)))
I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.  jmjm gave you some very good advice.  Many of us on treatment are also on antidepressants and many also see a councelor to deal with all of the side effects which come from the medications.  Please let your wife know that you will do whatever you two decide needs doing in order to make it through this treatment together.  Treatment is very difficult and stress can and does make it harder.  I understand that you want to make things work and if you go to her with love and understanding, I'm sure she will, too.  This can often be quite a stress on relationships, you are not alone.  Many of our significant others are also under a lot of stress having to take on more than usual while we deal with our side effects and fatigue.  As jmjm stated, we go back to "normal" after treatment.  How much longer do you have left?  Please, both of you, feel free to come and write any time.  There are several spouses on the board here, too and that may offer your wife some one to identify with.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Smiles, Sue

[susan400]

I am sorry that you are struggling and don't have a supportive wife.  I know that this may not help, but I can understand.  My husband has always been absent the entire times that I've treated.  I.E., not liiving with me.  My one and only child, a son, is severely mentally ill and lives in a psych. hospital and at times says some very cruel things to me.  It's tough to live with.  This is where this metal meets the road and you find out about the things that are most important.  I also think that you need to be in counseling.  I've had a wonderful counselor at my church for several years and she's made a lot of difference.

Take care and God Bless,

Susan

[Califia]

So sorry you're in this tough situation.   There have been so many times when I've had to bite my tongue instead of fully "expressing" myself with my S.O. and friends.  I have to admit that not answering the phone a whole lot has helped immeasurably....

I hope your insurance will allow you to see a counselor together, because it sounds like a half dozen sessions could help quite a bit.  Talking on your own to a therapist throughout the course of tx could be valuable, too.   Whatever other issues might be rearing their heads, your wife does need to understand that  an emotional crisis of this size is registering with you right now with hurricane force.   Unless there's a revenge motive,  this is not the best of times to negotiate a separation.  Seriously, send her our way and many of us will be glad to talk with her.  

Best of luck to you, guy.  I hope this situation turns in a positive direction.

[BIOPHIL]

Thank you both. I have not started treatment yet, as i am Cirrhotic and am being evaluated for a transplant. Later perhaps, after they are sure that they have the Aesophaghal Varicies under some control, and my psychological situation in order maybe they will put me on treatment, maybe. I thank you both for your kind words. I will tell her that i will do whatever i need to in order to stay together, but that is not in my hands.

[BIOPHIL]

Thank you all. I will ask her to look at this thread. regarding the possible/probable seaparation:I WANT TO PREFACE IT BY SAYING THAT I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH IN THE PAST, TAKING HER LOVE FOR GRANTED ETC. CALIFIA YOU ARE SAYING SOME THINGS THAT RESONATE WITH ME, I AGREE, A separation is tough anytime but now of all times, for Goddess-sake. The suffering makes my body feel worse. my emotions just ask my body to shut down, to give up.

Again, thank you all, I Am sorry to bring up drama.

[BIOPHIL]

I have two children with me here at the house, it is Friday, and she is outsomewhere with her cellphone off.

[nanniegea]

I do hope this gets settled. I also hope that your doc will treat even though you are cirrhotic. I am too and my doc said. "at the very least my liver will get a break".  As far as your S.O.,(signifacant other)-  I hope she finds the understanding to cope with this sad and trying time. I know it can be very difficult to watch a loved one suffer but now is not the time to throw in the towel, good luck and may God bless.

[gr8faith]

Sorry to hear of your struggles right now.  Relationships can bring out the best and worst of us espeically when crisis and stress creep up.

I have been married for 23 years and for the past 10 have been on ADs and had various years with intensive counseling.  My doctor's were leary of letting me tx due to my history of chronic depression and mood swings.  However, I completed 24/24 this year and cleared.  It was very difficult for my husband and children to see me not be the person they have up on their pedestal.  Likewize, I had to take a second look at why I had them on pedestals.  It all boiled down to expectations we have of each other.  Thinking we could all read each other's minds and assume (U know what that means) that things were said or not as a result of something we were taking personally.

My husband and I have really had our share of loss, grief, anger, resentments and changed lives due to all of these things, not at all like what we dreamed so many years ago.  Twice through the years we talked the D word and were ready to throw in the towel.  But we didn't.  

Not sure I really have any advice, but if I can just share what has worked for us...

About 6 years ago, we sat down and talked about our hurts, dreams and expectations.  We agreed to take each other off the pedestal (which we still do daily sometimes) and put our faith in God up there instead.  Then we agreed that our children would never come before us, or God, and they would not be used as a tool or reason to get a wedge between our relationship.  (let me say the kids got really confused on this one and couldn't figure out why we had become a TEAM)

Lastly, we agreed to do whatever it takes to be the two people who started this journey out all those years ago and see it through.  To do this, we have embraced each other's differences, likes, dislikes, and uniqueness.  We have MADE ourselves take time to listen to each other (instead of hearing noise and in our own minds congure up our own responses to what we really weren't hearing)and we try to connect DAILY for at least a half hour.  We take trips on the weekends together and at least one trip a year alone together.  This can be a logistical nightmare with kids, pets, work, etc. but we do it anyway.  

Tx was hard, but we got through it, raising kids is hard, but we are doing it, being sane and healthy is a daily goal for both of us but we do it together and have learned that each day is more important than the ones behind or ahead.

I do hope your wife will come to the board and read, join in, and benifit from the wisdom and knowledge here.

Will be praying for your family.
Candy

[chellski]

snook - you are a very wise young man...the letter you printed was very true to heart and insightful.  thank you.  i know i will use it often.

biophil - i'm so sorry about your troubles...you know, i was on the other side of this coin 6 years ago when my husband was diagnosed with kidney failure (also hep-c; liver damage minimal, a 1 and they focused on kidneys)  anyway, he had two long years on dialysis, and then a kidney transplant.  we had three young girls and i resented his illness, i was angry with him.  he grew depressed and we grew apart.  not a good situation for anyone.  we went to councelling, both together and apart. it helped tremendously.  I've been on AD's since b4 then but they changed my meds.  i'm on them now with tx and also an anti anxiety medicine but i still am short tempered then can cry in a matter of seconds.  my girls are doing their best; they all go to councelling (different councellors - they all have different needs - you need to find the right one) but i will still show them snooks letter to help them better understand what i'm going thru.
My husband died april '03; he just turned 50 in feb.  With the help of councelling i was able to be by his side thru all the years he was ill and even his good years after transplant.  i held his hand and wiped his tears and told him how much i loved him all the day he died.  i have no regrets, and i miss him like hell....
bring your wife here.  i hope she comes and reads and understands.  always remember tho, we are all here for you. this place is the best support i will receive ever.
be well.
<3 michelle

[cquest]

That about sums it up for me! I am printing this for my husband who is not on my list of favorite people right now. I found out I have Hep C on June 16th, I just saw the gastro last Friday and he seems concerned about my stomach pains right now, deal with that first he says...so I had an upper Endo this last Thurs, he took bx's and says call in a week. I puked all day, couldn't keep anything down...Friday I had a headache all day...husband was acting like a jerk all day (connection?)..today he starts a fight first thing in the morning and then leaves for work without a word...Everytime I need him to help me because I am sick or had surgery or whatever, he gets anoyed about it, like I am such a royal pain and why can't I get my own puke bucket? To top it off, my best friend of 20 years is moving to 3,000 miles away to Portland Oregon in a few weeks...I am not having a good week! It was good to find your post and know that all the little things that plague me day to day are not just me...so often I didn't want to go to a bar-b-que or birthday party or spend the whole day with his aunt or whatever...I always look like the anti social one. I'm glad to know it's not my fault, it is what it is...I will leave all of these posts for him to read and maybe he will 'cowboy up'....and I haven't even started treatment yet! yikes!  
Cin

[Leany]

For all that cannot for any reason get to counseling there are many excellent, reasonble,accredited sites online.
I have used one a few years back and was more then pleased with the results. At the time I was dealing with multiple deaths in the family over a 4 years time span . I just did'nt know how to process the grief.
I am now looking online again . I live in a rural area , do not wish to incur the cost of traditional therapy..

[nanniegea]

Boy, do I have to thank you for printing that letter!!! I am going to copy this and send it to all the members of my family who are guilty of doing amd saying all the things it talks about.It is amazing that people will look at you and say, "but you LOOK so much better". Well, I don't feel better, in fact all of these meds are making me feel worse. So, thanks again for finding this and putting it here...I hope it helps but knowing my family as I do they will probably take it as an insult....OH WELL. Have a great day everyone and may God Bless

[snook_man]

Letter to People Without Hepatitis C

Note: This letter is one of the best found written for people without Hepatitis C. Please feel free to print this letter and give it to those that need to understand.




Having Hepatitis means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about HCV and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually mis-informed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand ... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...

Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about life and work and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!". I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for ten minutes, doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. And, just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing. Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what Hepatitis does to you.

Please understand that HCV or HBV is variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the kitchen. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!", if you want me to do something then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please do not take it personally. Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to loose (or gain)weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes... may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct... if I was capable of doing these things, don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and physical therapist and am already doing the excercise and diet that I am suppose to do. Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, exercise harder..." Obviously HCV deals directly with muscles, and because our muscles don't repair themselves the way your muscles do, this does far more damage than good and could result in recovery time in days or weeks or months from a single activity.

Also, Hepatitis may cause condary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were hurting and exhausted for years on end!?) but it is not created by depression. Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm out for the day (or whatever). Hepatitis does not forgive.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even helped, all people with hepaititis then we'd know about it. This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with Hepatitis if something worked we would KNOW. If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, but don't expect me to rush out and try it. I'll take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

In many ways I depend on you - people who are not sick - I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the doctor, or to the physical therapist. I need you on a different level too ... you're my link to the outsideworld... if you don't come to visit me, then I might not get to see you... and, as much as it's possible, I need you to understand me.

Authored by Bek Oberin

[bobbyullc]

sorry,

i hope she comes to her senses. if not you need to do it for you and take what comes. hang in there.

[BIOPHIL]

Thank you people. I wonder how much of my behaviour is caused by my virus, by my condition and how much is caused by my background, my gender my anger, etc. I havw been in denial for a long time. I just got the results of my MRI , and.. yes the report does say that i am Cirrhotic indeed. To top things off my wife isn't doing well either although her illness is not life threatening. She has CFS. Sometimes she cant get up either.

We have 2 beautiful kids who deserve the best, and I hope we are going to beat all of this. I believe that I have tremendous willpower and that your mind can effect illness.

You have all been very nice to me on this thread, and the comments here have helped me to see my situation a little more clearly. I have to be a statistic, but it is interesting to see patterns in behaviour are similar in people. The hep c itself makes you Irritable and moody does it not? perhaps my bad attitude, and jerk behaviour was in part caused by the virus?
Now I am taking SAM-e and am already acting better.


People have said we need a marriage counselor.

[friole]

biophil
Your last post here is so encouraging.  I think your relationship has a chance.  The CFS is just as debilitating as being run down from hep c (she has been tested for hep c, hasn't she?).  I am just starting treatment and worry about my anger and outbursts - I am always pretty short and worry about getting worse.  I am going to sit hubby down and talk about this so he can tell me rationally if I start going "over the top."

chellski,
Everytime you share a little more about your husband and how those years were and how he died, I am just so moved.  My heart goes out to you.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things with your girls and your family.  Things must be looking up since you had a clear PCR (hooray).  How are the girls doing now? Starting to get ready for school in the fall?  It is only 2 weeks away, here in West Texas.
Kathy

[BIOPHIL]

This is biophil's wife thank you all for being so supportive.
Our breaking up has been a long time in the works well over 8 years. First let me inform you he dose not take his health issues seriously at all so for the past 8 years I have been asking, begging, setting up doc appointments that he will not show up to, paying hundreds of dollars for appointments that he did not go to. tollarated his abuse because "he is ill" I have given him altimatems "you can't treat me like this if you don't get professional help I can't stay" this is going on for several years. He constantly undermines every thing I do we run a company together and creates with one hand and destroyes with an other. He is an all or nothing guy, Every thing that went right in the company last year he did, every thing that went bad in the company I did. You see his rational for every thing. When I was very ill with lyme and CFS he shipped me far away to "be near my family" but a million miles from my Dr. so he would not have to see me ill and I had the kids with me. To this day he threatens me with your illness in not ...mine is ...like we should be comparing notes and it is a compitition. We fight often and he is verbaly abusive and has gotten physical. Still when he would not go to a tharapist, after that, their is no sticking around. After many more ignored aultimatems and extending them to give him another chance. He would do NOTHING TO CHANGE. BY his actions, he obviously did not care about me or his children. After he punched me in my ribs, he still did not get help, and continued to be verbally abusive. He had ruptured varises and was in intensive care for a week. I was their with him every single day and brought him home on my birthday which I was taunted all night. I loved him and care more about him than he does him self. I will be their for him through his illness, I will go with him to doc appointments, to therapy, I will support him emotionaly and financialy, he has to take responsibility for his life and his actions. I can't live in the same house any more, I have to find my self back and he is way to over bearing. I no longer have any friends because of him...he constantly prommises he will do something and never does, some thing as simple as cleaning up after him self to something as complicated as showing up on time for clients, doc, and for me. 10 min is something 2 hours that is not even ok.
All I asked was to see a tharapist was that so difficult.

[Califia]

Perhaps your husband is finally ready to say yes to therapy, and yes to a settling of psychic accounts.   You know, it seems a real miracle that you've actually survived this long while carrying such a large load of anger and resentment, but your loyalty is also a strong and positive foundation for sorting it all out.  Even if you two eventually part,  it would be a good thing to have everything on the table and accounted for.   But something tells me that this time there is a real chance for some higher resolution.  In Hebrew, there is a word for repentance (t'shuvah) which literally means to turn, to return to what is essential.   I really hope you are able to return together to what you once had when you were starting out.

Whatever Phil's native temperament, liver disease can definitely contribute to emotional instability.   I have been told by people who work in Hepatology that liver patients are notorious for being loose cannons--erratic and emotionally volatile.  And there you are with the double whammy of Lymes disease and CFS.   These are terrible cards you two have been dealt, and while you might feel you're at the end of your endurance, I hope you'll hang on just a little longer.  May this crisis bring to you and your family a true healing of body and spirit.

[Dick Mac]

The stress on my wife has been remarkable.  I did not even know I had become such an ass until I had a serious of outbursts.  Have you read the Riba rage thread below?

I finally had to go on Lexapro (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety) because my temper was flailing and my sleep patterns were ridiculous.  Until the Lexapro kicks-in, I use small doses of Klonipin (klonopin) to keep the edge off.

I am not a fan of A-Ds or sedatives; but I need to remain sane and need my family.  For me, there is no point of getting well if I lose my family doing it!

Talk to your Dr about anxiety, depression, sleeping, and rage; and don't hesitate, do it soon.

[cuteus]

I wished for many years that my mom had left my dad when we were young.  we witnessed too much belittleling and abuse for too many years. do what is best for you and your kids and good luck to you.
biophills posts in the begining do show that he is not ready to do something about his illness. He argued and laughed at those who suggested he consider treatment. It is time to act.
best to you

[chellski]

thanks for coming and reading and posting.   there are always two sides to a story; sometimes more.  sounds like you've been through alot too, but bottom line is we all have to want to take care of ourselves - you too!  physical violence is not an option.  do what you have to do - and what's best for kids.
michelle

[ral]

Dear biophil /wife

Dear biophil /wife

This is a hard disease and the people that usually get it sometimes come from hard backgrounds and have some hard habits to break. I hope you can work it out but sometimes it is not possible. I have had Hep C for about 35 yrs and I have not been an easy person to be around, I guess the disease can make you worse but I was always prone to anger anyway so I am sure that this disease exacerbated it. I am presently going thru a divorce with my wife of 29 yrs and it has never been an easy marriage. I don't want to sound chauvinistic but I sometimes get the feeling that women would like to be married to Mr. Rodgers and the ones that don't on this board please forgive me but this is not me and never will be.

My wife has chosen divorce but I was aware all thru treatment that she did not really care about how I felt anyway and that recently she said she did not care about the fact that I was sick. It is really better that I see that and see the truth about it, but deep down I always new it anyway.

I do believe in GOD and I will hope that she finds happiness someway it certainly was not with me.

I hope you guys find peace yourself. If you can forgive each other it would be better. If you can just separate and not make the decision to divorce maybe you might see something?

I Hope

GOD BLESS

Bob L

[chellski]

thanks for coming and reading and posting.   there are always two sides to a story; sometimes more.  sounds like you've been through alot too, but bottom line is we all have to want to take care of ourselves - you too!  physical violence is not an option.  do what you have to do - and what's best for kids.
michelle

[bobbyullc]

SORRY, I MISSED YOUR COMMENTS. HEP C IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE OR EMOTIONAL ATTACKS. SEARCH YOUR HEART AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AS IT APPEARS YOU HAVE DONE WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM SO LONG HE CANNOT APPRECIATE IT. IF I EVER USE MY SICKNESS FOR AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE MY WIFE I HOPE SHE SHOOTS ME.

[ral]

I did not mean in anyway that physical abuse should be tolerated in anyway shape or form or verbal or emotional abuse. In my case my wife really did drive me over the edge and normally I could handle it but with the meds I personally did not have a lot of control over how I was repsonding even on AD's and xanax.

In my case my relationship was over already anyway. This is just another sx of what this disease can do. Some sposes cannot take seeing what we are going thru and wondering where they will be left after the dust clears but it is better to find that out before treatment that in the middle of it.

Take care

Bob L

[ral]

Yeah Scott that is what my wife wanted too and I think I wanted to be that also but coming from the background I come from it just was not going to happen. I am ok with whatever happens in my life.

GOD BLESS

Bob L

[iceboy]

Sorry to hear all of this. There are also other diseases that cause rage and irresponsible behavior. For example this reminds me of how I have behaved in the past, but I