Sudden anger

[tjrusert]

I just suddenly snapped at my husband. Is that what RIBA rage is about. It's so not me. It shocked us both. I said  I was sorry but he is sulking still. I feel really bad. He's my biggest supporter. He came in and turned off my tv and said you need to get up and move. I said " umm I was watching that". Then he turned on the radio and tried to make me dance with him. It was sweet but I got so angry because #1 I was interested in the show and #2 I hate when others make a decision about what I need to do for me. But he was trying to be nice. I feel awful. Does the med have anything to do with it or am I suddenly becoming a mean girl. I really never yell at him. I'm totally stressed now

[suezeeque]

If you are at a dinner party and a person asks a question, then the question is answered but it develops into other conversations around the table...  Do you stand up and announce that everyone has gone 'off topic' and chastise them? Or do you accept that other conversations have sprung from the original and be happy that everyone is talking and that some of what is said might be interesting?

[Idyllic]

Wow is this thread officially hijacked, or what? tjrusert responded in a manner that is apparently completely out of character for her & she simply wanted to know if "the med have anything to do with it or am I suddenly becoming a mean girl."

[Advocate1955]

Thank you stormy456. I,like you, would not engage my husband in a discussion in the moment of the anger. I would remove my kids from the situation and let my husband know that it is verbal abuse and unacceptable, and then leave him alone. When things were calmer, I would then discuss it with him calmly, remind him of the boundaries, and discuss what might be needed (talk to the doctor, ask about changing or increasing the ADs, talk about how to improve his sleep or manage other sx, etc.), but still being very clear about the expectation for treating me and our kids respectfully.
Advocate1955

[flcyclist]

correction - without AD's, so far at least.

[flcyclist]

At the beginning of trt my doctor explained that there may be some emotional issues during trt and explained to my wife that due to the meds I deserved a few mulligans.  I'm normally very even tempered, so these fits of rage can not only come on quickly, but can escalate to a level beyond your control.  It is difficult to recognize and diffuse when it happens.  I would have never thought something could push me to these limits.

When a spouse or family member engages in further discussion or agument with someone in this condition, there is no logic involved, only a defensive reaction that is very difficult to control.  It's wonderful to have a spouse and family that is fully supportive, but they must also recognize that some outbursts will likely happen during trt - hopefully not too frequently and too intense.  If this occurs, then some intervention is needed to reduce it.  I've been able to manage with AD's and things have leveled off well.  Or maybe I'm too tired to get excited??

[stormy456]

My feeling exactly.   It is our job to set boundaries, and to protect our children at all costs.  My husband understands this, and has worked very hard to manage his behavior while on treatment.  I'm not suggesting that he doesn't still have negative feelings and thoughts, but he has managed to re-direct his anger away from us, thus far.  I'm extremely proud of him during this tx, as I understand (as you do) how very, very tx can be.

[stormy456]

I couldn't agree with Advocate any more.  My husband is on week 9 of triple, and we've had one rage incident.  While I didn't feel physically threatened in any way, his verbal abuse was worse than anything I've ever experienced, and unfortunately my children were witness.  When things calmed down, I explained to him (and his doctor) that I would not accept nor expose my children to this behavior again, and that they needed to come up with a plan to help control these episodes.  My children and I continue to advocate for my husband at every step of his treatment, and I personally have worked very hard to take any unnecessary pressure off of him as we own our own business.  To say that we don't understand what these drugs can do is blatantly unfair, and incorrect.  I am familiar with nearly all sfx from these drugs, but will not excuse a complete lack of self control.  

[Hepcwife926]

You have to realize, your husband, like myself, is being told by the doctor to get you moving. Even when we know it's just the meds - it really doesn't make it easier. We're inna ****** situation no matter what. I'm sure if you told him you appreciate his help - it would go a long way.

[JasmineT]

Not an expert but just based on my personal experience, Rockymoe is right, controlling the rage is unfortunately not something you can just choose while on tx.  At least not all the time.  There are time when something of little concerned couples with the chemicals and an inferno spills out.  Afterwards I am in shock and left thinking oh my gosh, what did I just say?  There are times I think I did not even recognize after the fact that I surged so am not even aware of the damage I may have caused.

It is correct that abusing others is unacceptable, those of us on treatment need to try to control it and stay out of interactions that can trigger it, but when we are having episodes where we cannot control it, we need to talk to the doc about the issue and look at adding medications to help with that rather than hurting others.  We also may not be the best judges of ourselves on when it's time to do that. The rage is a physical and chemical reaction, it's not really grounded in logic and reason.  Our brain is not firing properly due to the chemicals.  

Brave people going into a walmart.

[BigDaddy_59]

I went to a "Train the Trainer" Hep C education class by Hep C Advocate and the nures giving the class asked at the start of the class "Is treatment the hardest thing you have ever been through" (about 90% of the class had been through treatment) and most of us raised our hands and agreed it was.

She said although the 2 treatments she went through were tough, she said her marriage was way tougher. It made me stop and think and realize that she had a good point.

I agree we should watch what we say (the First Agreement - Be impeccable with your word), and I also agree that we shouldn't take things so personally (the Second Agreement - Don't take thing personnally).

The best book I have read (and I am currently re-reading it now BEFORE starting treatment) is the Four Agreements.

Get it, read it, know it, live it. It will teach you how to love unconditionally (not putting conditions on who is or isn't worthy of your love).

AND it comes with my million dollar guarantee - you give me a million dollars and I will personally work with you until you understand it and live a happier life - guaranteed  :o)

Peace Out,
Chris

[rockymoe]

I had a bout of it last night and my poor husband was the victim. The thing I hate is you really have no control once it shows up.

[suezeeque]

Walmart is a rough place for me on a good day, no treatment.  I often tell my husband to watch his cell phone before I go.  I might need him to bail me out.

[crigger]

Walmarts a rough place when you are on treatment.

[suezeeque]

Here's a good test:  Do your next grocery shop at Walmart.  If you can accomplish the task and make it back home without getting arrested, you darned well should be able to keep a lid on it with the people who love you.  :D

[slideman]

I agree with you so much in that NOBODY has the right to be abusive toward anybody else, for any reason. However these drugs tend to push what seems reasonable. I could have not gotten along very well without the support of my wife during tx. But I know there were times I crossed the line with the way I expressed my feelings toward her. I have always been the "happy guy" that could find fun in an empty room, but tx changed that. I tx'd 11 yrs ago, and it was a mess!! This time the sides were worse due to triple, and I was not the man she married. 5wks post tx I am returning to normal. For me the riba rage went both ways. Eventually I think my wife got tired of tx just as much as I did and she would get short with me too sometimes, I cant blame her, our lives changed so much for so long. Its just not easy on any of us. I too have read your posts and thank you for sharing. God bless you, and I hope things go your way this time!!

[Advocate1955]

Thank you suezeeque.  I agree with you, it is a parent's job to assure the emotional and physical safety of their children.  I believe that it is a parent's job to model for their children how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries for themselves.  I want my children to know how to determine for themselves what is acceptable and what is not acceptable (in terms of other peoples' behavior toward them) and have the skills to set and maintain that boundary.  I tell my children that although they can't control another person's behavior, they can control how they respond to it.
Advocate1955

[suezeeque]

Let me make myself clear:  I have not been emotionally abusive to anyone (buy myself, probably).  In 24 weeks I have 'snapped at' my husband once and my daughter once.  No yelling, name calling, etc.  Just my usual sarcastic self turned up to 11 (for This is Spinal Tap fans).

You would be quite lucky to have a spouse as supportive as Advocate1955, too.  If you follow her posts you will see that.

I don't think anyone has a stronger supporter and advocate than her husband does.  No need to do the passive/aggressive insulting here.

We all decide for ourselves what we will or will not accept in our lives.  She has clear boundaries for her children and I think that makes one fantastic mother.  Children especially don't 'get' adult crazies.  They shouldn't be expected to endure something they don't understand.

[flcyclist]

I don't think its necessary to take sides on the issue since I think most agree that there's a tendency to lose your temper during trt.  If things are said while the temper flares, you can't just brush it off and say its the meds, you have to take responsibility for those words coming out of your mouth.  

It took me a while to realize during the beginning of trt, that although I looked normal from an outward appearance, I was a raging mess that felt like total crap on the inside.  I expected my wife to recognize this and back off on certain issues, but that was unrealistic.  I had to explain when I felt these moods coming on and give certain signals that I just wasn't having a good day and needed to be left alone at certain times.  Everyone handles situations differently, but communication is important, prior to the fuse burning too low.  We've both become better at recognizing and managing this issue.  

[Advocate1955]

I'm pretty sure my husband would rather have me set and maintain appropriate boundaries for myself and my children and give him a clear, consistent message about how we want to be treated, rather than allow angry snapping for little things and have it escalate to damaged relationships, feeling emotionally unsafe, or taking the kids and moving out of the house to ensure their (and my) emotional well being.
As I said before, my family is fine, my husband's third treatment in 4 years is going well, and his antidepressant is effective for him to help manage his side effects.  My children have much information about Hepatitis C, and we have been open and honest with them about chronic hepatitis, liver disease, and treatment.  They are able to live their lives normally and support their dad emotionally as he goes through this third treatment and works full time in order to have health insurance to cover the cost of treatment.  I am able to live my life normally and support my husband as he goes through this third treatment and the previous two.  Because we are his advocates and support system, we empower him to take charge of his health:  he is responsible for recognizing the signs of depression or anxiety, reaching out to get help for it as needed, and coping with his feelings in an appropriate way.  We support him in doing that.
Kmatucson, when I made my original comment above, I was speaking about my husband and my family.  You immediately concluded that I "obviously do not understand how these drugs affect" people, and implied that my children and I are not supportive or understanding of my husband.  
Advocate1955

[kmatucson]

I don't think anyone is using this as an excuse.. but, in some cases, we have no control.  Even Suzeeque admitted that.  When it happens we apologize and move on.  I have never been verbally or physically abusive, but I have snapped at my husband for little things.. But, again.. I apologize and we move on.. No sulking or grudges held.  Just support and understanding.  I knew I was lucky to have my husband, but now I feel like I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

[crigger]

I have to agree with Advocate. It is our responsibilty to do every thing we can to stay calm.  Are you taking a Antidepressant? Are you talking to spouse about these issue before they happen.  Are you talking with you Dr   I know this is very difficult this is my second treatment I know how the rage comes out of nowhere.   We can not use the medication as an excuse to be abusive to those who stand by us. I try to thank my husband every day for going to work and paying the bills and allowing me to get well

[Advocate1955]

People may lose their self-control, but they are still responsible for their behavior.
Advocate1955

[Advocate1955]

Thank you suezeeque.  I appreciate your support.
Advocate1955

[kmatucson]

And I have apologized to my husband as well...  You just proved my point, regardless of how hard you try, you are still snappy.  You don't mean to and you apologize, but in some cases you have no control.