Aa
Thursday Chuckles and other stuff
COP QUOTES!!
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
I'm seriously running out of postable jokes....but I will never run out of jokes to tell.....
okay speaking of heads: (not flat heads okay goof?!)
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.
The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.
The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.
When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
deb in az
okay speaking of heads: (not flat heads okay goof?!)
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.
The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.
The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.
When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
deb in az
Well I was going to sit on this one, but since AZ happenned by.....
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days
together, and they were getting a little testy. One
morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're
starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we
split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day
looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then
tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first
man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story:
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a
stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in
a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.
The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks
floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a
set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came
across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I
cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all
afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely
move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH
better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I
couldn't find her head."
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days
together, and they were getting a little testy. One
morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're
starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we
split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day
looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then
tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first
man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story:
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a
stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in
a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.
The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks
floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a
set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came
across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I
cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all
afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely
move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH
better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I
couldn't find her head."
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
if tator is the only one eating that stuff, how come there are so many in the stores' shelves?
Here's a couple of oldies but goodies....
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! Shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! Shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You
For the traditional joke catagory my vote goes to Fresno for the copulating superheros.
In multimedia - Chevy gets the nod for the hysterical fruitckae lady. How have I missed that 'till now?
Thanks Gals!
In multimedia - Chevy gets the nod for the hysterical fruitckae lady. How have I missed that 'till now?
Thanks Gals!
whose afraid of big bad Bill???-the richest man in the universe..my dad always said" behind every rich man is a whole pile of folks he's climbed over" i don't really know much about the computer wars-but i have become sentimentally attached to 'pinky'-she's a good ol gal!!!!--but,mums the word,ok?...i mean,don't tell anybody about my unnatural attachment to this sweet hummin,nevr says a crossword, machine-o-mine...............
LOL! your style is definetely hilarious!
and a Mac user too!
sshh(I think we are the only Gate offenders...)
and a Mac user too!
sshh(I think we are the only Gate offenders...)
Fruitcakes are available at i-800-uate-cake--------we will not deliver..new federal guidelines (homeland security) prohibit the inter or intra-state transport of potential 'bombs' i mean ,no one can actually ingest this stuff,gotta be sum kinda offensive weapon..But you are welcome to visit your Fruitcake on line at Puleeze Adopt Me.com---supervised by trained fruitologists your calls maybe monitored..Remember,a fruitcake is forever,so chose yours wisely!
so who cares if you are called "click here"? Is their opinion that valuable? My vote is one big NO, in the overall scheme of things. Because while on tx, what YOU need is more important than what THEY think. They are temporary, like tx.
The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
i keep tryin the #-it's sooo busy.am i just another bauble on your trophy belt? are we counting coup? hey,it's ok,i don't mind being used for a good cause....creating happy moments counts big in my book(on sale now in a descerning store near you)...oh where r the pictures?
hi kids glad someone else is dishing out some hardyharhars been too busy to visit much but glad I did
now for some xmas humour
Barbie's Christmas List!
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
now for some xmas humour
Barbie's Christmas List!
Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.
6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
thank you 1&all-I needed that!!!!!!!-by the way what's the # for the mental health hotline?
Ken's Christmas List! :o)
Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998
Dear Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the ***** has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the ***** to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998
Dear Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the ***** has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the ***** to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deb in AZ
A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Deb in AZ
'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!
So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!
So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
A test for deciding up on if you should be admitted into the psychiatric ward, the docs ask you to empty a bathtub. they give you a tee-spoon, a cup and a bucket.
What would you use to empty the bath-tub.
I said the bucket.
My son said he would drink the water..
apparently - the sane ones pull the plug out....
What would you use to empty the bath-tub.
I said the bucket.
My son said he would drink the water..
apparently - the sane ones pull the plug out....
yeah i did shot 3 on tuesday,nearly made a mess of it too! i was gonna save the xtra,per sum friendly advice but the point quit cooperateing,soo i ended up takin 2 shots at my left leg..1st one left a little puddle,so i was worried that i hadn't gotten quite enuff.2nd shot bled -ugh--maybe i will "stick" to protocol now..don't need to hit me upside the head twice!!!!!!! i don't have photo capability,useing an old imac-i call her 'Pinky'-doesn't really match the eclectic decor i've arranged for my sustained habitation,but she was v affordable-nearly an antique i suppose.....but i am goggleable--tom hagelund-i have nothing to hide but side effects!!! i appreciate the concern,really makes a diff in my shrunken world of late..Your fiance must be a heck of a man!
I must have C.R.A.F.T. syndrome
I cannot remember you or your handle who r u?
eme at derailhcvatmsndotcom
BTW craft syndrome is the precursor disease to sometimers and parttimers not to be confused with Alzheimers
it stands for
Cant Remember A Freekin Thing
later all and i will try to stop in from time to time
hugsnstuff
I cannot remember you or your handle who r u?
eme at derailhcvatmsndotcom
BTW craft syndrome is the precursor disease to sometimers and parttimers not to be confused with Alzheimers
it stands for
Cant Remember A Freekin Thing
later all and i will try to stop in from time to time
hugsnstuff
hmmmmmm, i always thought it was 1-800-med help.
Chev, that ain't one of those 3.99 a minute numbers that always suckers me in is it.
one day superman is cruising around in the air when he notices wonder woman laying on the balcony of her penthouse, naked. and he says to himself "i could fly down there real quick like and get me some real quick and she'll never know what hit her" so he flys down quickly and wham bam thank you maam and off he goes...................................................................................................... and wonder woman says "what was that?" and the invisible man says "i don't know but my ass hurts."
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