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Weekend Funnies - and Other Posts
Charlie, a 72 year-old SVR patient went in for his 24 month post tx follow-up. The PCR was still negative and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 72 year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 32 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then told a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, sighted along its edge at the prize animal as if he was aiming his favorite hunting rifle and whisperred 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 72 year-old scratched his chin and thought, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly, Charlie".
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then told a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, sighted along its edge at the prize animal as if he was aiming his favorite hunting rifle and whisperred 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 72 year-old scratched his chin and thought, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly, Charlie".
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much
confusion when she would answer the phone and say;
"Picabo, ICU"
just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the
Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much
confusion when she would answer the phone and say;
"Picabo, ICU"
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me.The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
One morning on a lake in Idaho, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (Thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
"Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (Thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.
When my friends husband was younger he was riding along with his friends, everyone was having a good time but also slightly wasted...they get stopped by a State Trooper and he asks the driver "Do you know why I stopped you?' and the girl in the back seat pipes 'To sell us tickets to the policemans ball?' He then says 'Mamn, State Troopers don't have any balls'...the car went silent for a moment then broke out in laughter...he slowly walked away...they got no ticket.
Cin
Cin
Some of you may have seen this in my forum, but it's cute and I thought I would re post it...
Have a wonderful day!!!!
a blonde gal boards an airplane to vegas and sits in 1st class
the flight attendant approaches her and says "miss you have a coach ticket, you're going to have to move to the back of the plane"
the blonde replies "I'm staying here and not leaving till this plane lands in vegas"
the flight attendant is frustrated and is being told by the valid 1st class ticket holder to make that broad move or he will move her himself!
the flight attendant goes to the Captain, explains the situation to him and he says "oh don't worry dear I will take care of it"
The Captain approches the blond and whispers something in her ear and she very quickly moves to the coach seat she holds the ticket for...
the flight attentdant says to the Captain, wow! what did you say to her to get her to move...
Simple he says "I told her that the front of the plane wasn't stopping in vegas!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
*a lil dipper of laughter to start your day*
Have a wonderful day!!!!
a blonde gal boards an airplane to vegas and sits in 1st class
the flight attendant approaches her and says "miss you have a coach ticket, you're going to have to move to the back of the plane"
the blonde replies "I'm staying here and not leaving till this plane lands in vegas"
the flight attendant is frustrated and is being told by the valid 1st class ticket holder to make that broad move or he will move her himself!
the flight attendant goes to the Captain, explains the situation to him and he says "oh don't worry dear I will take care of it"
The Captain approches the blond and whispers something in her ear and she very quickly moves to the coach seat she holds the ticket for...
the flight attentdant says to the Captain, wow! what did you say to her to get her to move...
Simple he says "I told her that the front of the plane wasn't stopping in vegas!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
*a lil dipper of laughter to start your day*
senior moments
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(Retirement in the eyes of a child)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following...
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their golf carts and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on, while they talk to each other. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. he watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
It's really nice to read some funnies instead of dwelling on the miserable tx we are all on....thanks for the laugh!!!
Not that I want to give devious minds any new ideas, but........
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares ..... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size
funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares ..... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size
funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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