Why aren't there any good poop threads

What happened, everyone stopped eating ? I'm not even on treatment anymore and I have at least a couple of good poop threads. I could call it the 'Post Treatment Poop Thread'. Or, 'What happens to your shiit after your Treatment is Over'. Or, 'Getting Your Shiit Together'.

But I think I shall title it, as it should be...'What happened to me Thursday Afternoon After Eating the #3 Combination Plate at the Taco Garage.'

It was hot. Africa hot. And the sun beat down on the asphalt of I-410 like Ike on Tina. I was on my way to god knows where when I passed the sign, 'Broadway Exit, 1/2 mile'. Having been on a self imposed soup and noodle diet for the past 6 months to lose the weight I gained back after my treatment...when I was eating everything in sight...I decided...enough. I had lost the weight I gained back and then some. I was under my post treatment weight but felt great. I deserved a reward. What better place than a joint named 'Taco Garage'. It's a garage, and they have Tacos. Hello ?

I mosey up to the bar and I'm brought immediate gratification. The standard chips and salsa. Mmmm...just what I needed. I peruse the meny, scanning past the appetizers and soups my eyes land right on the combination plate section. Must have a combination. I settle for the 2 enchiladas, taco, beans and rice with another taco on the side. Who can eat just one taco. Nobody. The waiter comes and takes my order and as he walks away I have an afterthought of a guacamole salad. Must have guac.I buy a paper, settle in for my feast. Moments later...not even past the front page..there it is. Ahhh...I can literally smell it as I write this..

Now, I had literally been on a diet of 1400 calories a day, if that. I dumped 60 lbs *snap*, like that. 6 months.  I was eating mexican food, it seemed, for the first time in my life. I could not get enough and I ate it all to the last chip and wiped my plate with the tortillas on the side. Paying the bill I head to the car, only to find it's still hot outside...go figure. Now where was I going when I was distracted..oh yeah...Walmart to buy some laundry detergent and stuff. So, off I go. So I'm in Walmart and waaaaaay back in the back of the store looking for coin wrappers of all things...that's another story...when ..and you must understand...I've gone from a diet of soup and noodles and really light food for the past 6 months...to the NUMBA THREE COMBINATION plate... in a matter of 1/2 an hour.

Now, about the time I was headed to the checkout I realized...hey man...I don't really need this shiit..I gotta go and I mean go, now. And I'm ...well I can't go to the bathroom in a Walmart...I'd rather poop in the parking lot, seriously. I will not touch a bathroom at a Walmart or some place like that. I won't even touch the door.

So I stuff the stuff I was going to buy in some section it doesn't belong and head out with a 'Thank for shopping at Walmart' on the way out. I'm not goose-stepping yet, but I've definitely started tightening up a bit and my gait has a developed a bit of a stutter step. Getting in the car I notice the inside temp is around 128, just a few degrees over the outside temp and the leather sears my butt and causes me to flinch. This is good. Starting up and driving through the parking lot like a madman I give the pedestrians no quarter and even let a honk or two out.

I figure I'm about 4 miles from home. I hit the entrance ramp and wind 'er out to 85, both hands on the wheel, knuckles white I let out a few controlled assburps, bleeding off the pressure as much as posssible without blowing the gasket. I'm delirious, and worried...I step on the gas more...90...I'm approacing the exit..FUUCK they have it closed for some temporary construction ...AHHHRGH...I have to go another mile to the next exit...circle around..hope for the best.

Now I'm starting to have pain from the pressure and each controlled burp becomes more hazzardeous and borders on intestinal escape. I'm humming and rocking back and forth in my seat, knuckles tite. I get to the exit and the light is turing red ahead....I gun it, and run the light just as it turns red. Seeing no future I take a shortcut through a residential area, flying over speed-bumps and scraping the pavement. I'm 60 seconds away from ruining a perfectly good pair of pants and perfectly good Lexus. Finally the turn into my development. It's 2PM...no kids around...I floor it skidding to a stop in front of my house and nearly hitting the garage door I leap out waiting for the door to raise. I see a bucket but decide I can make the 40 feet. I fly into the house startling the animals so bad they run for their lives. Cheeks tight, I do the duckwalk toe to toe, no step more than 12 inches.

Making the bathroom I yank my shorts down...no need to unbutton or zip...I just rip 'em off like an NBA players warmups when he's called from the bench...

There is an earth shattering bellow from the bowels...like a hemi it shakes the walls. Ahhhhh....One of the cats peaks in to see what's up. It's over. False alarm. Seems that the #3 combo plate needed some room and just had to push some gas out. But, I was too scared to f.art. You know how it is. After 50 you just can't trust 'em any more. I've been burned. We've all been burned by the poserturd. Some more than once. But in the end, all turned out well, till the next morning, and the #3 combo plate got it's revenge.

[l-horn]

wrong side. My bad. Seems I don't have my shiit together.

[jdwithhcv]

True, we haven't had a poop thread in a while, but don't worry.  They'll be back sure as poop!  I'll have to prep for a colonoscopy next month.  Stay tuned.

[can-do-man]

The Chili........I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented You're Definitely
Going to $h!t Yourself' Chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.  No Beethoven Movement #2'.  Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain was different.



The habanero's in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
Oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.  Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  Big mistake!.



Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the 'grand mal assplosion' took place.



Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD while purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then promptly left.



Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager.  I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter and their is a gag order. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[Marcia2202]

ROFL  ROFL ROFL

Guys, thank you for the early morning laugh


Marcia

[Kristina538]

Ditto - I love posts that make me have a good old laugh - just what the doctor ordered, and I mean, I really really laughed - you guys should put your writing talents into $..

Marcia - it's 2130 Saturday night in NZ - have you just woken?  It's freezing cold here and there'll be a frost in the morning - I just can't wait for summer.

[Marcia2202]

It's actually almost noon here now.  I guess it was not that early when I wrote my comment. Just kind of feels early on a Saturday :-) got up at 8.

It's summer here, or whatever you might call it. Around 20 C.

[Xenigma]

OMG you guys, you are so funny!!
Thanks for the laughs early this Saturday morn!
Gotta share those stories with hubby...
enigma

[Isobella]

That was the funniest thing I have read in....forever!!!

Tears, streaming down my face, laughing out loud!!

My family is now certain I have lost my mind!!

[copyman]

Good shiit story man :-) I have a question, how come most are able to hold it in until they just get home then let loose before they can actually make it to the tolit? Is it the anticipation of being so close? never could figure that out...........

[sunqueen]

Crying, snorting and choking!!  OMG! Hahahaha!

It's terrible that I can relate to this way tooooo much. There was a time when racing home was an option, but these days I can barely squeeeze my sphincter up into my esophagus and waddle to the nearest appropriate h e ll hole and let 'er rip. My IBS is legendary at work. I raced out of a meeting at the office the other day and ran for the key that hangs on the wall near the admin staff. "Girls, fair warning. There's about to be a horrific industrial accident in the ladies room.Better wait a while if you need to go" I had the key in hand and was about to head to the 1st floor bathroom. Suddenly, there was a charge like a herd of cattle, and it overtook me. "Sorry C, but we gotta pee!" as we hit the door. The three stalls quickly filled up as I was left plastered to the wall by the sinks, leaving claw marks in the terra cotta tile.

Sometimes when it's not quite as urgent, I quietly slither up to the 2nd floor bathroom.

=====

That was seriously the best poop story that I have read in a while. I probably won't be able to eat Mexican again for a long time without snorting. Thanks for the laugh!