Aa
feeling really sad as of late
just need to vent and have no one that understands more. thought all was well for awhile but now back to sobbing again,sob,itching not sleeping...like its all starting over again..when will it end? tired and cranky..getting ready to throw in towel. i don't know what a good day is as of last 2 weeks or so..just when i feel good i crash again. don't mean to whine i know we are all going through s%^t, but my hubby hasn't been very supportive as of late. friends who were there aren't anymore...kid isn't around, animals that i love dearly are getting on my nerves...just feel like getting in my car and keep driving...but almost afraid to, due to this brain fog,can't remember what i was doing 30 seconds ago..on week 16 today..hope it gets better..but losing faith..thanks for lending an ear..shelly
thanks so much for the support and when i started reading the posts it brought me to tears. i will continue tx and see doc on monday. i guess sometimes you just get sick of being sick! i do tend to push myself physically and always mentally trying to run finances, keep eye on hubby, kids senior year coming up etc. i guess sometimes i need just to take some time for me. thanks again to all..post soon ..:)
shelly: you been reading my mail?? it's the meds-Trx suxs,but we will prevail,Goodluck
Mrs. O -great story & i promise not to tell your doc. You have developed a great coping stategy..
Chev- your energy is awesome girl! i can't wait for that post-trx sx.thanks for giving us hope
Mrs. O -great story & i promise not to tell your doc. You have developed a great coping stategy..
Chev- your energy is awesome girl! i can't wait for that post-trx sx.thanks for giving us hope
thanks for theaugh Sue that cracked me up! So true, so true. I am slogging thru this best I can but it is getting OLD i more ways than one.
Jakish, thanks for the input. I depend so much on input like yours. I am a month shy of a year and have 6 months to go and you begin to ose sight of the fact that it will end someday. I needed that positive commentary!
Now my doc wants to do a CT scan ( why now? sorta ticks me off we didn't do this before tx) and I don't know if I can even choke the barium down on tx. He also basically demanded I start an AD says "you are my most optimistic, insightful patient and you my dear are depressed" and handed me a scrip. I haven't felt I needed AD's, and I don't want to take them but he was adamant. Others can see what we don't I guess.I asked why the CT now and he said "geno 3 is showing itself to be more complicated than we thought, I want to take a better look" did a lot of poking around and reading thru my record and ordered cryo tests. Ugh. I hate a this, hate even having to go to doctors, take pills, all of it. I want to be in my kayak with the waves crashing and the sun beating down.
The " I can do this" internal message is getting a bit faint..
znyone taking this lexapro? I really dont want to take AD's with all these drugs I take already.
Jakish, thanks for the input. I depend so much on input like yours. I am a month shy of a year and have 6 months to go and you begin to ose sight of the fact that it will end someday. I needed that positive commentary!
Now my doc wants to do a CT scan ( why now? sorta ticks me off we didn't do this before tx) and I don't know if I can even choke the barium down on tx. He also basically demanded I start an AD says "you are my most optimistic, insightful patient and you my dear are depressed" and handed me a scrip. I haven't felt I needed AD's, and I don't want to take them but he was adamant. Others can see what we don't I guess.I asked why the CT now and he said "geno 3 is showing itself to be more complicated than we thought, I want to take a better look" did a lot of poking around and reading thru my record and ordered cryo tests. Ugh. I hate a this, hate even having to go to doctors, take pills, all of it. I want to be in my kayak with the waves crashing and the sun beating down.
The " I can do this" internal message is getting a bit faint..
znyone taking this lexapro? I really dont want to take AD's with all these drugs I take already.
Know just what you mean,when I was on my 22nd shot and only 3 more to go with the rebetol taking it toll I felt the same way you did,the scratching the sleepless nights and my wife who was very supportive throgh out the whole thing would always say just 3 more to go and so on,but know one really knows unless they go through the treatment, But I am free and clear of the virus for six months and feel better than when I started the treatment so you have alot to look forward to!! By the way my hats off to the people that have to do this for a year or more.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. You asked if it gets better - well the answer is yes and no. It will get better again and then it will get worse again and then it will get better.
I was ready to throw in the towel 3 or 4 times, but just kept sticking it out. As of the last 5 days I've been feeling pretty good. But I know the bottom could fall out any day and I'll be back to feeling like cr@p.
I think everyone has talked about their friends not being around during tx at one point or another. It's a sad fact that most people are busy with their own lives and just don't think about what they can do for other people.
During the process I learned I was just like everyone else. But in the future if I know of someone being sick I will try to cook a meal or go vacuum their house or do something to help.
Just keep trying to hang in there and come here for the support you need. OH! Another thing I noticed was that if I tried to do too much it would really get me down physically and mentally. Some nights all anyone needs for dinner is cheese and crackers. :)
I was ready to throw in the towel 3 or 4 times, but just kept sticking it out. As of the last 5 days I've been feeling pretty good. But I know the bottom could fall out any day and I'll be back to feeling like cr@p.
I think everyone has talked about their friends not being around during tx at one point or another. It's a sad fact that most people are busy with their own lives and just don't think about what they can do for other people.
During the process I learned I was just like everyone else. But in the future if I know of someone being sick I will try to cook a meal or go vacuum their house or do something to help.
Just keep trying to hang in there and come here for the support you need. OH! Another thing I noticed was that if I tried to do too much it would really get me down physically and mentally. Some nights all anyone needs for dinner is cheese and crackers. :)
16 might be the magic number. I was having various sx's that would come and go only to be replaced by others, and I chalked it up to tx. But then come week 16 -- it began to get me mentally. I came on board that weekend and just whined and vented, and as usual, folks came to my rescue. Someone even told me that she was hit similarly at week 16 -- and it wasn't Sweet 16 -- either. Maybe we should give it a name: s***y 16?
I do 18/24 tonight. I figure that people in my life are as tired of hearing how crumby I feel as I am of feeling this way. Just be selfish for awhile. Take care of yourself. We all know it will pass, but that still doesn't always make it easy while we're sitting in the thick of it. I've been a loner all my life and never thought I'd be involved in a situation like this. But the people on this board are fantastic and have helped me immeasurably. Stick around. Talk. And oh yeah -- don't drive!
I do 18/24 tonight. I figure that people in my life are as tired of hearing how crumby I feel as I am of feeling this way. Just be selfish for awhile. Take care of yourself. We all know it will pass, but that still doesn't always make it easy while we're sitting in the thick of it. I've been a loner all my life and never thought I'd be involved in a situation like this. But the people on this board are fantastic and have helped me immeasurably. Stick around. Talk. And oh yeah -- don't drive!
My thoughts are with you Shelly. I was having a hard time last week, and I haven't even started treatment. I hope you feel better soon. I felt like I was in a hole and couldn't get out.
Pam
Pam
I think at about that point what happens is that at first..our families are SO supportive and understanding. But in time...it sort of wears off and the "can I get you anything?" attitude is sort of forgotten about. As we progress it seems people forget that for US it's just as hard as in the beginning, we just adapt and try to keep going.
It's not that they DONT care but they've sort of forgotten and been worn out or something. So they don't offer the SERIOUS heavy duty support that we got the first month or two.
So then WE feel it...where did my support go here? Have they forgotten that I am STILL sick? And it does become depressing to some of us. I remember feeling the SAME WAY. But, realizing that this IS My disease and that my family doesn't consider it the cornerstone of THEIR lives - I understand now and feel much better.
For us it becomes SO CONSUMING all of this but to others well..their lives have their OWN things. While we tie ourselves up in here finding strength - they have no idea we still need it.
I think this "sucky 16" is a pretty common scenario perhaps.
It's not that they DONT care but they've sort of forgotten and been worn out or something. So they don't offer the SERIOUS heavy duty support that we got the first month or two.
So then WE feel it...where did my support go here? Have they forgotten that I am STILL sick? And it does become depressing to some of us. I remember feeling the SAME WAY. But, realizing that this IS My disease and that my family doesn't consider it the cornerstone of THEIR lives - I understand now and feel much better.
For us it becomes SO CONSUMING all of this but to others well..their lives have their OWN things. While we tie ourselves up in here finding strength - they have no idea we still need it.
I think this "sucky 16" is a pretty common scenario perhaps.
I hope this will give u a little laugh. Right after I posted above I had to go make myself look a little presentable for a client due in this morning.Instead of the hairspray I sprayed the bathroom air refreshener.Now my hair is wet and I stink and again I am not even tx yet!!!!
Never have truer words been spoken. A young male neighbor of mine knew I "wasn't feeling well". He told me he'd say a prayer for me as he watched me haul some heavy grocery bags up the stairs! I feel that "God" put us here for each other. Prayer without action, and all that.
I'd LOVE if someone came by to vacuum the cat hair off my black carpeting. I have a great bakery by my bus stop that makes the best thin-crust pizza -- that's my version of cheese and crackers. I hold a chef certificate in holistic cooking and prior to tx ate very healthfully. Now? Too much trouble. I find, as do you, that when I do too much during the day, I just feel really beat up. As of late, even the soles of my feet are painful.
A good thing that has come out of aging 20 years in two months is that I can better emphasize with my parents and with what they go through. Like you, I found out that I'm like everyone else, and will make it my business to be more helpful to them when I'm off of tx. Thanks for that.
I'd LOVE if someone came by to vacuum the cat hair off my black carpeting. I have a great bakery by my bus stop that makes the best thin-crust pizza -- that's my version of cheese and crackers. I hold a chef certificate in holistic cooking and prior to tx ate very healthfully. Now? Too much trouble. I find, as do you, that when I do too much during the day, I just feel really beat up. As of late, even the soles of my feet are painful.
A good thing that has come out of aging 20 years in two months is that I can better emphasize with my parents and with what they go through. Like you, I found out that I'm like everyone else, and will make it my business to be more helpful to them when I'm off of tx. Thanks for that.
"A good thing that has come out of aging 20 years in two months is that I can better emphasize with my parents ... " DUH.
Better "empathize" with my parents ...
Better "empathize" with my parents ...
ROFL I had to read your second post twice. I missed your misspelling the first time. Brain fogged minds think alike!
At the beginning a few people would say "what can I do for you?" How in the world do you ask someone to come clean your bathroom?
A friend of mine had to have some psychological counseling because of a traumatic experience. One of the points brought out was that there are two kinds of people. The ones that see a need and step in without being asked and the ones that ask what can I do for you?
Let's face it. Most of us won't ask for help.
This is for Shelly....and quite embarrassing. If my dr knew this he'd pull me off TX immediately.
Shelly, sometimes when it gets really bad I lay in bed in the dark and imagine my funeral. I think about all my friends that I haven't spoken to since week 1 and how sorry they'll all be that I'm gone now. I plan the flowers, the music, the sermon and the wonderful things that will be said about me. LOL After about an hour I start crying and have just the nicest cry in the world. Then I go throw my arms around my husband and tell him how much I love and appreciate him.
The poor man is so befuddled - doesn't have a clue what I've been doing for the last hour. I actually do feel better when it's over.
At the beginning a few people would say "what can I do for you?" How in the world do you ask someone to come clean your bathroom?
A friend of mine had to have some psychological counseling because of a traumatic experience. One of the points brought out was that there are two kinds of people. The ones that see a need and step in without being asked and the ones that ask what can I do for you?
Let's face it. Most of us won't ask for help.
This is for Shelly....and quite embarrassing. If my dr knew this he'd pull me off TX immediately.
Shelly, sometimes when it gets really bad I lay in bed in the dark and imagine my funeral. I think about all my friends that I haven't spoken to since week 1 and how sorry they'll all be that I'm gone now. I plan the flowers, the music, the sermon and the wonderful things that will be said about me. LOL After about an hour I start crying and have just the nicest cry in the world. Then I go throw my arms around my husband and tell him how much I love and appreciate him.
The poor man is so befuddled - doesn't have a clue what I've been doing for the last hour. I actually do feel better when it's over.
Now I know what you mean when you said the doc doesn't know half of your sx's. Thanks for the cheery post to start the day. Hey, you're a few days closer to the end (whatever that means today). Have a good day Valorie
Oh you are so lucky to have a husband to throw your arms around....what comfort that must BE, just having him there to do that?
I'd give ANYTHING to have a loving husband right now. I said once to a friend that I wish I had a loving husband to see me threw these hard times = and she said "well I am not dependant on a MAN for my happiness" and I felt so sad for her I almost cried.
There is SUCH a difference between being dependant and needy - and having a loving equal relationship to share.
You are blessed, always remember that - when you get depressed in the middle of the night just remember how LUCKY you really are.
:)
(PS You are such a sweet woman, I just wanted you to know I think that)
I'd give ANYTHING to have a loving husband right now. I said once to a friend that I wish I had a loving husband to see me threw these hard times = and she said "well I am not dependant on a MAN for my happiness" and I felt so sad for her I almost cried.
There is SUCH a difference between being dependant and needy - and having a loving equal relationship to share.
You are blessed, always remember that - when you get depressed in the middle of the night just remember how LUCKY you really are.
:)
(PS You are such a sweet woman, I just wanted you to know I think that)
I know what you're going through.
I recall my most recent when I posted the "which is worse tx or disease" a week or so ago. I was quite frustrated, dealing with a bout of depression without AD's, asking "Why God, Why" and "When God, When", and questioning about when does the "life and blessing" come when it seems of late that all I encounter is "death and cursing", especially the cursing the dragon.
I've encountered these off and on during my 25 wks of tx and are times when I struggle to turn to my spirituality and learned coping skills to win the latest round of the battle with the dragon.
I recall my most recent when I posted the "which is worse tx or disease" a week or so ago. I was quite frustrated, dealing with a bout of depression without AD's, asking "Why God, Why" and "When God, When", and questioning about when does the "life and blessing" come when it seems of late that all I encounter is "death and cursing", especially the cursing the dragon.
I've encountered these off and on during my 25 wks of tx and are times when I struggle to turn to my spirituality and learned coping skills to win the latest round of the battle with the dragon.
ROFL - Goodness, it seems like it's been so long since I laughed. Your very welcome for the cheery posting first thing in morning. Anything I can do to help!
The last few days have been good. Just a little tired at the end of the day. The valium does seem to be helping the muscle spasms. Haven't had anything like what I was experiencing.
My heart goes out to those people that have constant pain 24 hours a day with no relief. Now that would be a miserable existence.
The last few days have been good. Just a little tired at the end of the day. The valium does seem to be helping the muscle spasms. Haven't had anything like what I was experiencing.
My heart goes out to those people that have constant pain 24 hours a day with no relief. Now that would be a miserable existence.
I feel very lucky to have a very supportive husband. Sometimes I wish he weren't around all the time, but that passes. The past few days I have had riba rage and I have been snapping at John. Last night while I was packing, he came up and told me, "You're not the only one on tx, you know!" He is right, it's bewildering for these spouses who can only guess what it is like at times.
Deb; You are a real trooper and I know it must be hard to go this alone, without a SO. Teenagers can be sweet, but usually are more needy at this age. They have a hard time empathizing. With all you do and taking care of those kids, I have a great respect for your stamina and strength. I know you are going through some tx issues now that would be great to talk about with a husband. But sometimes that isn't so great! You have us and we are always here for you.
You go girl! We all love you.
Deb; You are a real trooper and I know it must be hard to go this alone, without a SO. Teenagers can be sweet, but usually are more needy at this age. They have a hard time empathizing. With all you do and taking care of those kids, I have a great respect for your stamina and strength. I know you are going through some tx issues now that would be great to talk about with a husband. But sometimes that isn't so great! You have us and we are always here for you.
You go girl! We all love you.
I also have been told by kids and all that I have become very grouchy lately. Dog just keeps away and I haven't even started tx yet either. My mother thinks I have a chemical imbalance and reminds me of this constandtly.So, what will I become when I do start tx????????
Thank you very much for your kind words. I do feel very blessed with the husband I have. He has been tremendously supportive thru all of this.
I just know that you'll find someone. You've been a fighter from the beginning and are always willing to step in to help someone here. I just don't believe God wants you to spend the rest of your life alone.
It's an awful cliche but when the time is right he'll come.
Have you called about your HGB? You said it was down to 9, are they increasing your neupogen or anything? Isn't protocol to get a blood transfusion at 8? I hope you don't have to go thru that.
And your very sweet too!! Even if you do wear make up everyday! LOL
I just know that you'll find someone. You've been a fighter from the beginning and are always willing to step in to help someone here. I just don't believe God wants you to spend the rest of your life alone.
It's an awful cliche but when the time is right he'll come.
Have you called about your HGB? You said it was down to 9, are they increasing your neupogen or anything? Isn't protocol to get a blood transfusion at 8? I hope you don't have to go thru that.
And your very sweet too!! Even if you do wear make up everyday! LOL
I don't know if you read through any of the archive postings but I've found some great stories/advice in some of them.
A posting from a woman said she found herself laying in bed all the time feeling miserable (as we are all aware). She got up to go to the bathroom and passed by the kitchen, where her husband was visiting with a friend of his. She overheard him say that he missed his wife. He felt that he had lost his partner and was grieving as if she had died.
That was a turning point for me (and apparently her, too). I realized it isn't just all about me.
How are you doing these days?
A posting from a woman said she found herself laying in bed all the time feeling miserable (as we are all aware). She got up to go to the bathroom and passed by the kitchen, where her husband was visiting with a friend of his. She overheard him say that he missed his wife. He felt that he had lost his partner and was grieving as if she had died.
That was a turning point for me (and apparently her, too). I realized it isn't just all about me.
How are you doing these days?
Sorry you are having to go through this right now. You have been a real strength for many of us here and I know things will work out. I think we are both on a similar finish date. We will make it!
I haven't tried Lexapro, but I think you should try it. If it doesn't work or is awful talk to the doc. AD's give a lot of relief at times. I don't feel any different (bad) taking them. This tx does create a chemical imbalance with some that needs to be addressed. If your Dr. said you are taking them and you have been seeing him for a long time, I would trust his judgement. Sometimes it is hard to see the depression in ourselves.
I didn't have to take a CT scan. I think it would be good to get an idea what's going on with you. These aren't as invasive as a bx, but perhaps will give the dr. some idea what is going on.
I know the feeling of hating to go to dr's and taking so many pills. It really gets old. You know this with your pain issues too. Now with tx. It feels like I talk to dr's more than friends, I hate it! This will pass and I, for one, will be around throughout your tx to pick you up if you need it!
I haven't tried Lexapro, but I think you should try it. If it doesn't work or is awful talk to the doc. AD's give a lot of relief at times. I don't feel any different (bad) taking them. This tx does create a chemical imbalance with some that needs to be addressed. If your Dr. said you are taking them and you have been seeing him for a long time, I would trust his judgement. Sometimes it is hard to see the depression in ourselves.
I didn't have to take a CT scan. I think it would be good to get an idea what's going on with you. These aren't as invasive as a bx, but perhaps will give the dr. some idea what is going on.
I know the feeling of hating to go to dr's and taking so many pills. It really gets old. You know this with your pain issues too. Now with tx. It feels like I talk to dr's more than friends, I hate it! This will pass and I, for one, will be around throughout your tx to pick you up if you need it!
Geez, I think I would have had such riba rage at that point I would have gotten off the floor and kicked my husband! My husband seems to think he has to wait on my hand and foot at times. Actually, I don't need this most of the time, but maybe he does. The part that bugs me is if he picks up scripts or takes the cat to the vet, he reminds me how much he does for me. I bite my tongue and tell him I appriecate all he does.
I am doing pretty well lately. Thanks for asking! I still have some bad days, but also good ones. That doesn't mean I am out shopping at the mall. Hey what's a mall? I haven't seen one for a year! No energy for that. Even Safeway is a distant memory.
I had my dreaded Neulasta shot yesterday and have an awful headache today. No bone pain yet! Sure hope I dont'. Hobbling around the resort in Jamacia will not be fun. I might have to go get a CBC while I am there. I worry about Hgb and didn't get a shot yesterday. It drops so fast.
My tanning is going well! I think I have a base down without a rash! Yeah! I put Gold Bond on afterwards and so far, so good. I am going to have to bring several bottles with me. There is going to be NO ROOM in my suitcase for makeup 'cuz all the meds. Oh well.....
I am doing pretty well lately. Thanks for asking! I still have some bad days, but also good ones. That doesn't mean I am out shopping at the mall. Hey what's a mall? I haven't seen one for a year! No energy for that. Even Safeway is a distant memory.
I had my dreaded Neulasta shot yesterday and have an awful headache today. No bone pain yet! Sure hope I dont'. Hobbling around the resort in Jamacia will not be fun. I might have to go get a CBC while I am there. I worry about Hgb and didn't get a shot yesterday. It drops so fast.
My tanning is going well! I think I have a base down without a rash! Yeah! I put Gold Bond on afterwards and so far, so good. I am going to have to bring several bottles with me. There is going to be NO ROOM in my suitcase for makeup 'cuz all the meds. Oh well.....
Since I can't go to Jamaica, I guess I can live vicariously off your trip, so please share the fun details when you get back.
My thinking is "who wouldn't be depressed dealing with this?" and that it is situational. Life can just be depressing at times. I just hate to fiddle with an already alltered brain chemistry and add drugs. Docs seem to toss them out like candy especially to those on tx. I don't need a shrink, I know exzactly why I am in this head space but maybe they are worth a shot. I can always stop them if they don't help. I think drinking that barium is the thing bothering me. I have such a hard time eating anything these days. I guess I should be happy for the weight loss. My son has a gal pal visiting on break from Stanford and she is a doll and brought me flowers. I had to leave the room because it made me cry! I love flowers, what an odd reaction!
All I could think was I was so mad at the maid for not showing up this week when my son's friend was coming.
I just took one, I will give them a month or two. It's not like I have any other activity I ENJOY, might as well pop more pills.
bah humbug
PS. I hear your husband on the "we are all on tx" thing but really, they aren't. they get to work, bop around being normal, it is not the same. I love sharing info about the day with my husband but lately I am so envious that he is out there engaged in life and work and I am slugging it out here dreading someone stopping by. We are so blessed to have them, that much I know. I don't know how those of you do it by yourself, I don't think I would be able to do this without my husband.
My thinking is "who wouldn't be depressed dealing with this?" and that it is situational. Life can just be depressing at times. I just hate to fiddle with an already alltered brain chemistry and add drugs. Docs seem to toss them out like candy especially to those on tx. I don't need a shrink, I know exzactly why I am in this head space but maybe they are worth a shot. I can always stop them if they don't help. I think drinking that barium is the thing bothering me. I have such a hard time eating anything these days. I guess I should be happy for the weight loss. My son has a gal pal visiting on break from Stanford and she is a doll and brought me flowers. I had to leave the room because it made me cry! I love flowers, what an odd reaction!
All I could think was I was so mad at the maid for not showing up this week when my son's friend was coming.
I just took one, I will give them a month or two. It's not like I have any other activity I ENJOY, might as well pop more pills.
bah humbug
PS. I hear your husband on the "we are all on tx" thing but really, they aren't. they get to work, bop around being normal, it is not the same. I love sharing info about the day with my husband but lately I am so envious that he is out there engaged in life and work and I am slugging it out here dreading someone stopping by. We are so blessed to have them, that much I know. I don't know how those of you do it by yourself, I don't think I would be able to do this without my husband.
You are in the middle of a very long haul and it's wearing on you now with the end a small point of light. Why not give the lex a try? Perhaps the doc sees something that you don't. You don't have to committ to keep taking the stuff, just a try.
The scan suggested by the doc is curious. Could it result in anything other than you completing tx in March? Your's is the doc who does not bx 2's and 3's, right? What does he hope to see with a scan?
The scan suggested by the doc is curious. Could it result in anything other than you completing tx in March? Your's is the doc who does not bx 2's and 3's, right? What does he hope to see with a scan?
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