hepc and sex

[pariah127]

help ihave just found out that a woman i have known for yrs likes me as much as i like her as a matter of fact i think i have loved her for yrs and didnt know it and i just found out she feels the same way unfortunately i have been diagnosed with hep c and dont know wht to tell her i also dont want to in fect her plz help

    

[Evannescence]

The treatment which will obliterate this virus is: 48 weeks or 24 weeks of Interferon injections once a week and Ribavirin tablets twice a day.  But, (BIG BUT) it doesnt obliterate it in everone all of the time

Find out from your doctor:  your genotype,and the viral load, some important blood results such as:  albumin, AFP, ALT and AST, then possibly (but not necessarily) have a liver bx done to stage the liver damage (if any)


Go to this excellent site of the Hepatitis C Trust:  http://www.hepcuk.info/data/UserContentRoot/Home/

The Q & A sessions (Doctors, Clinicians and Individuals with Hep C) is particularly good.  My specialist is one them!

Youre on your way!!!!
Evannescence.  

[Tater-ToT]

Humm...
You wouldn't happen to drive a Volvo would you..?

Doo Dooo Dooo Doo

[honey11]

Pariah,,,,Good luck with your relationship but I'm tending to agree with Elaine!

Good Morning Spunky Jim! lol

[Cindy10]

I knew you would be fine, you must be relieved!

[would-rather-be-riding]

I kind of think that if you feel like this relationship can grow into a life-time one, you should tell your friend from the start.  In a setting that is conducive to deep conversation.  Let your friend make an informed decision, after all, wouldn't that be what you would want if it were you?  I think that by telling your friend BEFORE iot goes any further, you can base that moment on true affection for each other; and if you 'do it' without first disclosing, you are 'doing it' just for the sex.
After all, honesty can reveal the true nature of things.....
Best wishes for you.  I am married and sex has definately changed for my relationship.  I feel like I am trapped in a different body-mentally I am the same person, but there's this barrier (my body) which stands in the way.  I do'nt know if that makes any sense.  But maybe if you tell your friend before anything happens, there won't be that 'things are different' pall over the two of you.  And from the way you say your friend's attitude is, she WON't appreciate not being told--atleast this way you have a fighting chance!

[pariah127]

i woke up this morning fully xpecting her to call me and drop my sorry ass
that has not happenned yet
and i dont think it will
thanks to the courage that you people have lent me
i am also so much more well informed about this disease
now maybe i dont have to live in denial and ill start to actually get some treatment
i was sooo scared i didnt even look at any of the sights.
are ther any treatments that can obliterarate  thius virus?

[poetic_wax]

Hurry, get the IP address so we can verify the year and color!!

Honk!!!

[mauilady]

If this helps, and you see this before this thread gets any longer:  I've had HepC for 35 years; been with my husband 25 years.  He doesn't have it; he's 100% clean.  

[Evannescence]

She wont change her mind. She may pretend to, but her mind was already made up.  If it's meant to be, it will happen. If she wants a long term friendship / relationship with you, that will not change just because of this.  Well done for taking this step!  Wow this subject certainly caused a stir in everyone here.  

Elaine

[pariah127]

wow! icannot believe how sshe took that!

at 1st she was taken aback to the point of saying we could not be together
then she said she still wanted to hang with me
as the  night wore on  it became obvious that she could not completely write me off.

dont get me wrong she is still processsing it
but the warmth was still there.
we spent the night holding each other and it was all i could do to keep from crying tears of gratitude to jesus for putting a woman like that in my life!

you people have helped sooooo much
i dont think i would have ever had the courage to tell her without  your sage advice!

i'm going to bed  but before i do  i will hit my knees snd pray thank you prayers for all of you

you have my undying gratitude
and even if she changes her mind at least i'll be able to cope a little better

[Forseegood]

I think you might of mis-interpreted what I said, I did some drug and alcohol counseling, because of a degree and some seminars, I did by no means say that I was a qualified psychologist or had a pHd or MD...if fact I think I went out of my way to say that I only knew  "very little" about the subject, but I knew something...perhaps I should of been more clear on this issue and  I'm sorry that you took offense...

[jmjm530]

Here are the "facts" you are asking for. Just post this link into your browser window, then read and print out the articles. Then sit down and discuss the whole situation with her. What happens, happens.

http://tinyurl.com/2s6tad

[pariah127]

i have NOT kissed her but i have known her for several years and THAT is where my deep affection comes from

and our relationship is nowhere near sex even tho feelings are running hi especially with me.

[Forseegood]

I just meant that if youre seeing a person, in the first stages, youre only dating, there's no committment, nothing at that point...that's what I'm talking about...if you see that it's going somewhere, and you have a bonding, then talk about this stuff...

I personally don't think that that's being deceitful...if I was merely dating someone in the first stages, I would also NOT feel compelled to tell them I have a sister who has mental problems, or that I have mental problems (generalized anxiety disorder and depression) or that I've been been audited by the IRS, there's a lot of things I wouldn't tell them right off, because I don't feel compelled to at that stage, it's really none of their business, it's just a few dates at that point and I don't think it gets into "let's divulge everything about each other" until later...

One "works" up to that...I might not feel comfortable enough with that person to do that....after all....at this point - WE ARE STILL RELATIVE STRANGERS...we haven't bonded yet, for all I know I might not ever see them again....and if I've divulged everything about myself in the beginning dating period, I've done so with a relative stranger, which could prove risky for me...just look at these boards for heaven's sake...(a nervous laugh)

And I don't know about anybody else, but I have had more then a few dates where I kinda knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, but I still gave it a few extra chances...I also wouldn't have sex with a person at this stage either so this wouldn't be an issue...

I think what we're talking about is a *time frame* issue and how this relates to dating, etc...I just don't tell strangers compromising information....

From Pariah's last post, I can now gather he's gotten more serious with this woman, so of course, then it gets into honesty in divulging information, etc...I just wanted to delineate what "I" meant...and Pariah, I just hope that she can be okay with things once she's educated, if not, then it's really her problem, and not yours...

[jmjm530]

Well, if you haven't kissed here -- and aren't sure of her feelings toward you -- then option is to tell her now as a friend, an equally good option is to wait awhile until both of you get to the point where you might get physical. Frankly I'm more knowledgeable about Hep C than relationship issues like this, so I'll let the ladies take over with advice :) Hope it all works out and do report back if so inclined.

Be well,

-- Jim

[Forseegood]

one more little thing? I used to be a drug and alcohol counselor in the summers, I'm no expert by any means, but I know a little...don't know if youre in program, but what does your sponsor think of all this? - if you are in program?

As you well know, many addicts can be in their "heads" about people, places and things, and are not always exactly sure if it's just a rebound thing from the drugs, another addiction, or somewhere to focus their attention if they've just recently been off drugs...Of course how many people who are not addicts - even have these things together?

I don't know how much recovery you have, but I just hope youre in a safe place and not on a slippery slope, as you said so well, your recovery and sobriety is probably very meaningful to you...and these issues *could* delve into life and death issues for recovering addicts, especially having this disease...I just hope that all of this is taken into consideration and that you have objective people to talk to about these things, I'm sure you do...best of luck with this, you seem like a very good person...

[Evannescence]

Dear Pariah.  What a situation!  I think if I were a "health worker" I would certainly already know that HepC was little or no threat whatsoever to my life if I married you.  So, for starters, she cant be in medicine as such!   Anyway, this is not the point.  Tell her.  Tell her today!  She is not a stranger, and therefore there is no reason to hold back on this fundamental information about yourself.  She isnt a colleague at work.  She's a friend.  Nor is she a new date you met last night at the bar.  This is deeper than that. So tell her as soon as possible.  You need her trust, and to tell her is working on that.  Then duck!  Duck for hours, days if necessary.  If she is at all interested in you as a long term friend and even lover/mate, then she will do her own locating of information - in her own time, she will seek out the data, and she will filter it in a way that favour the outcome of her true and deep wishes, inspite of her preconceptions.  ie.  if she wants you and you mean enough to her, she'll find a way of seeing that HepC is little or no physical health threat to her, and if she is not really serious to see your friendship with her through, she may then use this as a device to back away, to pull out and disappear (which will hurt you, but will also be what is).  Dont give her too much time to build up the prejudices she already has been devoloping about HepC.  So tell her now.  She must then have the opportunity to break down those views about HepC, to re-evaluate, and to see the other side of the story, as a way to save herself from embarassment, if nothing else, which would be if she does wish to approach you with a new found opinion.  This leaves the power completely in her hands, and she will be in control of her decision.  What you must not do is delay.  Pariah, you must live with the uncertainty of love and life.  I hope I have given you another point of view to consider.  xxxElaine  (Female aged 48, Hep C for 25 years, wife and mother of 3, husband  clear, daughter aged 21 clear, boys 15 and 13 not tested)

[pariah127]

now i am REally afraid  i'm going to telll her! and i can hardly type right now! (tears   cant see)

your right it is a deep friendship and i probably should have told her before this.  

ican just see the outcome right now   with this woman i have loved for years rejjecting me just after i find out she feels something for me.

sins of my past  etc...

well i guess my name fits

[ScaredinNY]

JmJm linked to a topic I started recently.   In my opinion, and based on my recent experience, if you are going to take this relationship to a romantic level (including intimacy) you have to tell her.  I wasn't told, and I am having a very difficult time trusting the person who didn't tell me. In fact, I don't know if I can get past it.   From what I've read and the good advice given to me on this site, I've learned that Hep C is not easily passed through sex, and it's not passed through kissing.  There has to be blood to blood contact.  There are couple who have been together for decades, and the positive spouse has not given it to the Hep C negative spouse.  As others have stated, your friend seems to have a misunderstanding of this disease, which is surprising since she's in the medical field.   I think a long talk is in order.

By the way, I was tested for HepC and all have come back negative.  My Doc even advised that I can test again for my own peace of mind, but she doesn't think it's necessary.  

[Myown]

You're playing a dangerous game here. I do agree that it's not necessary to disclose on the first date, however, it seems that Pariah is well beyond that point and is either having sex with his friend or it is imminent. There comes a point in a relationship where not having sex can beg more problems without an honest reason why, so I think your delaying tactic can backfire. The honest reason why would be the Hep C status. This case is even more complicated in that his friend thinks Hep C can be transmitted through kissing. So I'm going to assume they have already kissed. If it wasn't for the kissing thing, I'd say one option is to use a condom until things got more serious. But there is the kissing issue.
Bottom line is that this guy's intent isn't to have sex with the woman but to have a long term relationship with
her.

As to your statement "Why should I have sex with a person with hep c?" (unless you're) head over heels in love (with the person)..." I will tell you from experience that all women don't think like that. Again, this isn't about sex, it's about a relationship.
---------------------------------------------------------
Whats with the "I"m playing a dangerous game."
Give me a break.

Number one, you are the one that is assuming that he had sex. He may have, but it is not what he openly conveyed in his thread and I wasn't going to assume. If you read my post again you will see I am speaking from the stand point of thinking he HAS NOT had sex. I'm the one conveying build a relationship. Your the one telling him he can be Elvis the Pelvis as long as he wraps it up.

Your advice was condoms (which can break). That advice is NOT a dangerous GAME, its downright DANGEROUS PERIOD.

My delaying is not a 'tactic,'as you worded it. It is what anyone with a brain does during these days we are living. And if anyone has any strong religious beliefs whether Christian,Jewish,Muslim, whatever, many choose to wait for 'that reason.'

I don't expect nor do I condemn others who don't feel the same or believe the same, because I didn't feel this way my whole life either, but I see now as I look around at all the diseases that people get from one another that Gods plan is the only 100% safe plan.

There was nothing dishonest about the advice I gave this fellow.

The problem is you hate if someone believes other than the way you think concerning this issue. The last statement that you copied and misinterpeted is an example of you turning the tables.

You are the one making this into a sexual issue, not me. I'm telling the guy to build a relationship. YOUR THE ONE SAYING wrap the big boy up and 'do it,'its safe as long as you wear a condom. What a joke.


The 'IV drug info' didn't come out in the opening thread, so now with that fact known, I would say that this lady who is comming off as being so cautious is NOT as cautious as she says,IF she is aware he is a recovering addict. I am reading all this as if he hasn't kissed or anything yet.


So now with that said, he should come out and put the whole story on the table if he really wants opinions . Did he have unprotected sex and that's what is eating at him? If he did, that was beyond sleezy and she will take a hike most likely. But the other thing is if she is so cautious thinking about  different ways she might contract it,including saliva,why would she kiss an ex IV drug user without seeing recent labs to make sure he is negative. She's either not as cautious as she says or she hasn't kissed him yet.

But just so there is not any misunderstanding again..dangerous ground to me is someone taking the chance and putting a condom on that may break and then telling the girl, oh btw I have hep.So if he follwed your advice well..... (dangerous ground, I would say.)

Safe ground to me is as I mentioned. Build a relationship first, whether someone has hep or is 100% disease free. If others share other opinions thats fine. I don't get bent out of shape unless they try to tell me I can't give my opinion.

YOUR way is about "sex," don't try to say mine was.

Oh and the statement that all women don't think like me, I'm in 100% agreement.

[pariah127]

no i did not have sex and no i did not kiss her yet!
like i said we have been friends for years !
i have developed this deep affection for her and she has deep affection for me but we have NEVER been intimate .

she has probably guessed by now anyway because i have never had a girlfriend in like 3 yrs.
i just spoke to her on the phone and told her we need to talk.  
she told me to calm down because i was very upset .


i may be an ex jjunkie but i'm not that person anymore i would not tell her after the fact  and i'm not playing any games

to me this is deadly serious

i would still appreciate any help or advice
thank you

[jmjm530]

I think you overreacted a little to the use of my phrase "dangerous game". Probably a poor choice of words on my part. All I was trying to say is that sometimes people resent things if  they find out that something has been witheld from them -- "ScaredinNY" is just one example per her recent thread and post above.  I also see your point of view, especially since Pariah's relationship apparently hasn't gone anywhere sexually as I presumed it may have -- and you apparently presumed it may have not. But both were presumptions since Pariah hadn't told us.

As to condom's breaking, etc., sure condoms can break -- but I still feel that protecting oneself with a condom, combined with a condition (Hep C) that is only rarely transmitted sexually, is a reasonably responsible course of action without disclosure. Yes, there's always some risk but so is getting up in the morning. That doesn't mean I think using condoms without disclosure the best course of action for everyone, just one reasonable course of action. I also understand you may disagree here as well, so what else is new:)

Be well,

-- Jim

[Forseegood]

hi, so sorry that youre distressed, I'm sure no one here meant for you to be, I guess it's just hard to comment on things we know little about, in terms of your own situation...all we can comment on is generalities really, and we don't really know your situation, only you do..is this woman in recovery also? How long have you been in recovery, sober? These are things only you know...

I just can't imagine if she is in the health field why she would harbor these types of prejudices? Although, just being around this board, I have heard of doctors who know little about this disease...I just hope you can work it all out, and that in the end, re relationships...if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...I just hope that youre okay in terms of your own sobriety and will continue to stay okay no matter how this particular situation works out...wishing you the best...

and to be really, really corny, and say the biggest cliche ever...(sorry board)

We can't really love *other* people and maintain a healthy love relationship until we love ourselves first, cause we won't have anything to give if this isn't the case...we will just be in need...

and being needy is not really attractive to anyone and why would it be? That's why I asked about your recovery, so you'll be on your way (if youre not there already) to care about and love yourself first, THEN pursue active love relationships with other people.....if this is in place, you've got a whole lot more traction and chance of relationships working out for you, just my opinion...

[jmjm530]

As I read your repeated posts, I sense more and more anguish over this situation.
"Forseegood" with her background in counseling, touched upon some issues I'm really not qualified to know much about. So, I'd like to revise my suggestion and ask you to consider seeking professional counseling on the matter before you make any decisons. We're just a bunch of lay folks on the internet and none of us know you very well. Speaking openly to a professional may lead you to the best way to handle this situation. I truly wish you the very best.

-- Jim