i feel like giving up

i don't want to whine but i am back to feeling really down once again, have a bottle of single barrel jack sitting here callin my name...haven't had a drop for 2 years but i feel like maybe just tying one on...this is inj 22...the depression and mood swings are back again..dealin with it but my poor family. i feel guilty that i had to bring this to them to deal with too. just getting tired of it....want to feel normal again..hope this is worth it..have a great weekend all..shelly

[Paris47]

I wanted to feel normal my whole life
new something wasn't right,
when I drank, yep , felt normal.
but then, when diagnosed bi-polar,
the alcohol didn't make me feel normal anymore
I got angry, angry that I thought it helped.
the pills, sorry for those who disagree, and
I am ok with that, I've fought this stigma for
years.....but I like taking my mental health
drugs...
please don't give up....get angry at Jack and tell
him to 'jack off'.
sorry. for any offensive message ....

[NYgirl]

Honey you aren't alone.  A lot of us go through these type of feelings during treatment when it just really seems to overwhelm you and you think is this worth it?

Please remember you have FRIENDS, real FRIENDS even though perhaps we've never "met" in person - people who care GREATLY about you and would do anything we can to help you.  Just whine, cry, complain WHATEVER you need to do so that you get it out of you.

Then...realize...there is no way I'm going to let you stop, even if I have to come "meet" you in person and sock you in the nose. Hard.

Remember...I AM a New York girl!  

Hang in there my friend, we are all here praying for you right now.

[Paris47]

Can I join you...
I'm not far from you, in Md
and I am up for a day trip or two.
and it helps me forget about my whinning for
awhile.
...
love this family...

[tulsatime]

Hi, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling blue. You can do this! please don't give up now. I know sometimes we feel like is not worth it. But it really is. It will be over soon enough and I know last time I was on treatment. I some times felt I was tired of it all. Just take it one day at a time. And get rid of that bottle right now. I will be praying for you,
God Bless... Debi

[timedog]

I know what you mean sunday will be shot 24 for me and sometimes I find myself really in the dumps and wishing i could revist the bottle in my freezer, in my case vodka. But then again I am almost at week 24 in therory half way there.

Have had a lot of personnel/family issues to deal with in the midst of tx some of them good some bad some how all of them a little depressing.

Ya know all of this would be a lot easier to deal with if you knew you put your 24 or 48 or is somecase 72 weeks in you suffer your sx some worse then others but at the end your all better.

I guess no such luck for us. Not only do we not know if we reach the brass ring when we are done we don't even know if we are trying to get it in the right way. So much is unknown about our tx there is so much debate out there about what/how much/how long that I find it maddening and more depressing then anything else.

In any case shelly, my ice cold bottle of russian vodka, no product endorcment from me, remains in my freeze my little blue pills on my counter

[Moniker]

All I can do is relate own experience.

Alcohol has never helped me solve any of my problems; usually a problem just got much worse if I picked up a drink. Here's an example: I had a nice car, and one day I got in a little fender bender, and I scratched the side of my car a little bit. I felt very bad about the scratch; I started drinking. Later that night, because I was drinking, I totaled the car. The next day, I was really filled with remorse and I wished I could just get my car back the way it was with the little scratch on the side.

I joined to AA. Now, I have many years of sobriety. I never want to go back to the way I used to live. Alcohol is ok for most people (people who like a social drink now and then) - but it really isn't a good thing for me. It's no way to solve any of my problems. It would be real bad for my liver too.

If I don't pick up that first drink, one day at a time, my problems usually seem to resolve themselves.

I recommend that you don't drink today. Wait and see how you feel about everything tomorrow. Things might be different tomorrow. A drink won't improve things at all.

Bob

[NYgirl]

Boy what you wrote hit home BIG TIME for me.

I think, it will, for a lot of people in here as its a very familiar mantra for us who tried medicating ourselves for years and years and ended up in here with this as a "reward" ;)

Come up and we'll sit and eat ice cream and whine and cry and B8tch and complain and yell and scream and then have a brownie sundae!

Boy oh BOY sometimes it seems that one shot of Mr. Smirnoff would fix the world and while it's such a hard thing to say adios buddy you were never REALLY a friend of mine AT ALL - I know there is nothing called one shot for me...not at all.

So now...I medicate with ice cream!  :)  Who said there was no cure for depression hahahaha.

[52TELE]

Shelly , hang on...
In a moment of weakness , I stopped and bought a six pack of Shiener Bock the other day , put it in the refridgerator , but havent touched it. My intention is to not touch it. I'm struggling right now. The last four days have been awful , as bad as any four days I've had so far. Its not my HGB , its way up. Its just plain old nasty interferon. I could hardly get any work done this week. Felt like sleeping all the time.

You going to make it. I'm going to make it , and I'm not going to start drinking my way through it. A little bit is too much.

mark

[rearfang]

There are a lot of people here pulling for you. PLEASE don't take that drink! Don't jeopardize your chances by doing something that might compromise your success! Are you being treated for the depression? (forgive me, but I don't recall the specifics of your situation. Are you on 48 weeks? If so, you're almost halfway there!) My advice, get rid of the bottle and find a local support group, AA or professional to vent to. My prayers are with you.
Lauren

[Alady1620]

(((((((((shelly))))))))

You are gonna have bad days.  The best thing to do is try not to focus on how crappy you feel and keep on with your life.  I know that is easier said than done.

Are you taking antidepressants?  

You are almost halfway through with your treatment.  After 24 weeks, the rest is all downhill.  You can do it!  Hang tough.

[Paris47]

You have a way of responding that
gives me goosebumps.
thanks for your response to me,
sometimes, my passion in my response
can be misunderstood.
sometimes my passion doesn't come across,
I feel you heard it...and it touches me
that you did, you've been a special person
to me, whether you knew that or not...
so how about that road trip...???
Bob Dylan can wait,
Friends mean more!!!

[Paris47]

Where are you???
taking that Jack and saying goodby??
down the toilet with it..??
then your spirits can be lifted, stay
with us here...we are here for you as
you have been here for US!!

[azgrl]

I don't post much but wanted to tell you it is time to look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a pep talk.  it is hard to do but look into your own eyes in the mirror and tell yourself "22 weeks have been hard but I did them and made it so far" "I can do it"

I know the feeling you are going through it is tough to do.  I knew it was bad when I couldn't enjoy my son or my husband.  I just wanted to be left alone and mope.  I realized when I was getting ready in the morning I looked at my hair or my mouth but I never looked at myself.  When I first tried to look into my eyes I looked away.  I knew then I would stand there until I could look myself in the eye and tell myself I am okay.  Now every morning I make sure I look at myself and not just look but SEE me!!!  (oh man i sound like a regular Tony Robbins ugh) I'm not trying to sound like a peppy pepperhead but I guess what I'm trying to say is we have all been there just find what it takes to see you through.  Even if it takes one second at a time.

deb in az ( I need a poo thread now)

[tonybuck]

I am thinking when I felt like you and instead of the first drink I reached out. I was told my period of time of feeling bad would pass just like when a storm is approaching there is a period of time when everything is stormy and unsetteled but in time it passes and the good weather comes back once agian.I have to remember when my ass is falling off that this to shall pass and one drink we'll not make it better. Best wishes

[tulsatime]

Hi you know it is funny but I woke up and thought about you, That I haven't seen you post in a while. I remember you cause you name is Deb, like me and NYgirl. You use to post more often. How are you doing? Glad to see you are still around.
Take care...Debi

[mycoldfeet]

When I first started, I'd been drinking over 25 yrs, I got bad and wanted to just feel normal, so I picked up a non-alcohlic beer drank It down with a valium turned on the tv but it helped that one time, but haven't had to do it again, now I would have just called a friend or family member to talk to till it passed,please pour it out and call a friend to be with you, but we are here too and thx for calling out because thats what it is is a call for help because u know you don't want to go back, because you do know jack.

[Gonna beat it]

Well Kiddo,
Nothing like feeling like c**p, being depressed, to make you feel like its all worth it huh....LOL, I didn't have a problem with alcohol, but sometimes kid, I have a pity party for myself that could beat all parties...with hats, and whistles the whole thing,I put in a CD, Steely Dan works well for me, then I hop in the shower with my favorite wash, I put on my make up...it helps and I know that this is all part of the journey, I will survive it, my family will survive and hopefully in a year or so I will get to my destination. You can do this and I'm a CA kid I can meet NYgirl and we can both punch you in the nose....We love you and you can and will survive this.

[GrandmaA]

Go down to skid row and see the folks with no home. Be grateful you have a home.

Go down to the hospital and see the folks with no arms or legs. Be grateful you have them.

See a blind person, they can't see you or anything. Be grateful you have eyes.

Clouds come in everyone's life but they part and go away and the sun will shin again. We all have our ups and downs. Life is like that.

See the innocence and beauty in a little child of 2 or 3. Look at nature and go to the beach or mountains. Be grateful for flowers, grass (not pot) and sky.

Stop thinking about yourself and help someone in worse shape than you are. There ARE people worse off. It's true. Look at Africa. Take the focus off you. Smile....please be happy. You are the only you there is.    

[sfbaygirl]

Sorry you are feeling so lousy. What's going on?

[GrandOak]

I know exactly how you are feeling right now.  When I got my lab results yesterday and seen my Hgb and ANC were tanking again, I immediately asked why and wonder whether this tx is going to work.  The feeling of hopelessness after investing 30 wks into it and constantly battling with the anemia and neutropenia sx of the meds does wear one out over time, especially considering the fatigue, aches, and pains which go along with them.

But, you did reach out here first and left Jack sitting.  So if you look deep down, I think despite your despair, that you really do not want to go down the road with Jack.  If you're like me, remember while that path may have alleviated some aches and pains, it most likely also brought with it a host of others that hurt not only us, but also those around us who love us most.

All I can say is hang in there and remember the pain of this tx is but for a season, but the pain Jack brings often lasts much longer, sometimes a lifetime.

[Paris47]

When my brother, whom I  still miss so much
died of a horrible cancer...
he would say...someone always had it worse than
him...he would do this to make himself feel better
but one day...he said 'who is that person who can't
look around and find someone worse?'

their must be that person somewhere....sometimes

I think it's my son...mental health issue, diabetes
w\major seizures,(one recently in the street, major head
injurey, one in the shower & the hot water scalded him to 3rd degree burns till he came to..arrested for 'kissing' a police officer while disoriented coming out of seizure,
feeling isolated, can't drive, only 23 years old.
father died (suicide) 2 successful sisters.
..
then theirs US, the Hep C group.

We will make it..
get that Jack down the toilet,
and bring out the icecream!!!!!!
YES THAT'S AN ORDER

[Gonna beat it]

Reading your story about your baby boy made me cry... my sons are 24, 21, daughter is 17... their dad has seizure disorder, now controlled, but it was bad for many years. I always prayed my children wouldn't have seizures so far so good, but it can happen any time. My thoughts and prayers go out to your son and you. Take Care.


Diana

[sunspot]

I wanted a drink on about 4 times during tx. It was really a strong calling but I resisted. At the bad times on tx, I thought to myself "The rest of the people at MedHelp are going the distance and I can too". That was my mantra.
I give many thanks to the fine folks at MH.

[Paris47]

Thanks for your concern.
I love this family.
I know this is the best place for US
and wish my son could find such a place
for himself.
thanks.
Shelly, where are you???

[Mister beagle bailey]

Please hang in there, your not alone.  Twice I wanted to stop tx and if not for the people here I might have.  You hit a brick wall as we all have, this is doable.  Please come here and whine, scream, etc, it doesn't matter because we will get you through this nightmare.  
Try and think your at the beach on a perfect day and you have no worries.  Use your mind to get you throught the tough times and think of how you'll feel when your done with tx.  How happy your be when you PCR comes back UND!

Shelly, I'm here for you no matter what.

Beagle

[Gonna beat it]

I think a fall wedding would be lovely, don't you? Then any of us that have a slightly yellow tone can blend nicely with the oranges, and ambers of fall LOL, all kidding aside, as a young person I was not the least bit particular as to how I poisoned my body...age and mortality certainly bring with it, wisdom..

[GrandOak]

"No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends." John 15:13 [AMP]

"How much greater then is the love of a man that laid down His life for all Men, for by one man's disobedience all were condemned and by one man's obedience all were saved!"

"It was God [personally present] in Christ, reconciling and restoring the world to favor with Himself, not counting up and holding against [men] their trespasses [but cancelling them], and committing to us the message of reconciliation (of the restoration to favor). So we are Christ's ambassadors, God making His appeal as it were through us. We [as Christ's personal representatives] beg you for His sake to lay hold of the divine favor [now offered you] and be reconciled to God.
For our sake He made Christ [virtually] to be sin Who knew no sin, so that in and through Him we might become [endued with, viewed as being in, and examples of] the righteousness of God [what we ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness]."  2Co 5:19-21 [AMP]

[Paris47]

My daughter, no lie....
has a phrase...
it came from way back when, painting her new
bedroom, or the kitchen, or whatever...
"You can't go wrong with Yellow"
How appropriate!!
I want to be invited or I'll throw my
2 year old temper tantrum.
I love my liver too...we only have one.
so it's not like a marriage that isn't appropriate.
(get it?)

[timedog]

are we going to start Proselytizing  here?

[cuteus]

it is ongoing, where have you been? Sunday 'poem', etc

have an easy, side free weekend

[Morgaina]

My heart really goes out to you, unless you've been there, this just sounds like an AA meeting. But that black depression is all consuming and its lethal. I dont know if you had trouble with liquor before or to what extent but through my life I have drank lots, drank socially and drank nothing at all, depending what my life was about then. I also wanted to give up, the depression was do deep and seemed like it was going on forever(I was on AD's) I thought maybe a drink would calm me down. I took a big swig from a bottle of amber rum and HOLY **** does that wake you up! I thankfully spit it out but just having that distinct feeling of staight alcohol in my mouth brought me back to reality. We're fighting for our lives and the degree to which we'll be able to live. When that black depression is there, our lives and blah, blah, blah, are just as hard to care about  as crossing the line with alcohol. I ended up getting diazapam for special occasions when I was falling apart. Look into some medical help Shelley, even if you're already using something. The depression can be too overwhelming and hope just is hard to reach for. Keep in touch with all of us that care and be ready for a crushing depression if it comes again. It's the meds, the sides, it is not your life that is pulling you down!!! I'm not religious but I have a deep belief in God, he'd be glad to give you a hand anytime. Sending you everything positive in me (as are almost evryone else here).......Diane

[Kalio1]

I'm not big on the preaching and Bible quoting here myself.

[Magnum]

I know too well what you're feeling and have personally faced much worse in four failed attempts since 1999. The point is that treatment will not last forever, and could save your life.

In my opinion, if you can wait for the Protease Inhibitors (as I am), you should do so. But, I would discuss that with your doctor. The final choice is yours.

There's no doubt in my mind that it is a torturous and agonizing treatment, but that's all there is, except to wait. Dwelling on it only makes it worse. When I went through my last very brutal treatment that nearly killed me, I kept my mind constantly occupied with movies, phone calls to friends, etc.

I did not lay in bed over 20 hours a day for three months dwelling on this. Mentally, I kept pushing my body to accept it. Unfortunately, because of my perseverance, I would have pushed to accept it until death, had the doctor not told me to stop treatment immediately. That's me. You have to decide for yourself, and keep in close contact with your doctor on how you feel.

How you feel is how many many of us feel or felt through treatment. Whining is okay. Patience is needed. The best of luck to you in the battle and may you soon be victorious...

Magnum

[FlGuy]

I spoke with the study coordinator at a vx trial site yesterday. As of now, she did not have details surrounding phase 3 for vx, which tells her that it is still a few-several months out and guessed that it would be February-March'ish.  Even then, she guessed that the early phase 3 vx would likely be geno 1 (I think you) and not geno 3 (me).  She suggested I call her back at year end for a further update.  Schering's PI (protease inhibitor ) is likely a little behind that.  Looking at phase 2 inclusion criteria - need to be off ifn/riba therapy for 6 months.  By the time these roll around I think you will have been of at least 6 months.  Hope your recovery from infergen continues.

[Magnum]

Thanks...

As I posted a couple of weeks ago, along with the Vertex trials phone number, a lady said Nov-Dec was the date anyone could enter the trials. This means those with or without previous treatment. She said call mid-September to see if there are openings...


Magnum

[SnoWav]

My new doc is not part of the vertex950 study but is connected to the Schering's PI. He thought it would be 2 yrs before they are doing any studys that would help me.Doing another BX towards the end of September it will haft to be pretty bad for me to go 72 weeks on a stronger combo.

[FlGuy]

The news about vx being several months down the road sealed the deal for me.  Doc wants me to do some sort of tx within 3 months. So it looks like I'll start combo Part 2 in October.  Not my idea of a good time, but got to get on down the road.  Have you had a bx before, how long ago and what was it?

[SnoWav]

About 6 yrs ago had a BX and they read it as grade 1 stage 1 not bad he said you could wait or treat plenty of time. Finished TX last January found I had relapsed at the 12 week test (bummer)Just went to a new doc at a bigger teaching hosiptial last month that reread my original BX slides at grade 2 stage 3 not good news but it explaned why just before tx I was feeling so many symtoms (symptoms). I guess I will figure something out after my BX but treating with a higher dose combo for 72 weeks is a last resort.figure I have had hep for 35 yrs.later jeff

[timedog]

This doesn't seem like the place for it. I am not going start writing what i think should or should be talked about here because it would just start a posting war and besides most of us are pretty good about policing our own commnets but I would love to see what happened if I started quoting the koran here or how about a little william burroughs?

[Kalio1]

Are you considering getting a more recent biopsy? 6 years is pretty long especially since they have been graded differently and not in the direction one would wish for. Just the fact that they were read so differently by two different docs shows discrepencies are possible. Obviously you will do what you see fit but I would think a current biopsy would be an excellent idea especially if you have decided not to retreat and you relapsed. What does your wife say about it? I know my husband would really want me to get a current one.

[52TELE]

Grand , were you overcome by the spirt there for a minute? I know its hard to hold back sometimes , but people get upset because they would all want to post their thoughts and beliefs and this just isn't the place for that much contraversy.

Have a nice day ,

[amirtracy]

just wanted to say hi and tell you i'm thinking about you. this tx sucks. period. hang in there shelly. you can do it.    tracy

[Algernon]

I got hep from shooting drugs when I was 16 years old.  Haven't touched the stuff since I was 18 (I'm now 49).  I never even thought about it anymore.  But, during treatment, I actually had days when I thought that heroin was probably the only thing on Earth that would make me feel better.  Luckily, I have no idea about how to obtain heroin.

Why don't you just take that bottle outside, take the top off, and pour it onto a pile of rocks.  Think of it as pouring out a bottle of liquid virus.  Good riddance.  (Given my superstitious nature, I'd probably also light a candle and dance around the pile of rocks to insure long-term SVR...).

If this treatment truly drives you to drink -- and you wouldn't drink off of treatment --  you always have the option of quitting treatment.  Don't forget:  you got the power.

I'll go light a candle for you too.  Algie

[GoofyDad]

Sorry you're having a difficult time. I second the call for a visit to the doc. Mine cautioned me in the begining to watch for depression and respond agressively if I saw signs of it. Try to relax, forget the jack, and see if you don't get relief drom some ADs.

Take care.

[roaming]

Hubby is half way done and last week he said he felt like a drink. This if the first time since starting this journey that he has expressed this desire. He has always told me that he had no desire. So maybe you are a wake up call for me to push him a litte harder about how he feels and maybe he needs some help. What do you feel? He is week 23 of 48?

[sundancer2007]

You hit the mid treatment wall. But as we know alcohol will only make it more difficult. Hang in there it will pass. Get a hold of your doctor nothing to fool with this depression.

sd

[NYgirl]

It IS amazing this place.  You can't know how many times I've used the "ooops can't let them down" logic when I wanted to drink or not take a shot.  

Sort of like when you go to AA I believe part of what KEEPS you sober is that - oh dear I don't want to have a relapse and change my date and tell everybody logic LOL.

It's like oh no...how can I NOT do the right thing then go online and say it!

Hey...whatever little tricks work I'm always going to do. I never knew how important my liver was before - never thought about it no matter how much drink or drugs I put in.

Now, insanely, I LOVE my liver and want to marry it :)

[stangshelly]

thanks so much for your support, i am crying now as i realize that the jack is just an easy way out.. the depresion comes and goes so i put the bottle away..i was a social drinker and "the life of the party"  so to speak, had my experiments with drugs never intravenously, but snorted 8 ball a day of crystal for 3 years straight..walked away from it..only 3% do...if i can beat that i know i can beat this. been clean of that demon 10 years never looked back...thanks to all. and nygirl,paris i am heading to the freezer for my ice cream ;)...thank you all you are my family and my strenghth to keep going. i don't dabble with any drugs at my age now and feel better, why go back ? i was homeless already..never go back only forward, hubby came home and kicked me in the a$$ ...get a shower and stop worrying we have been through worse....i love you guys :) shelly

[strator]

I'm sure you've seen me post about my alcoholism and addictions. Keeping my sobriety was one of my (and my drs) main concerns when I was trying to decide and prepare to tx. I was concerned I wouldn't make the best decisions on tx if I didn't feel like my good old sober self. I was 2 yrs sober when I started tx, and very very rarely got the urge to drink... Well I got that urge more often on tx, sometimes from feeling overwhelmed, sometimes from the anxiety,..even over the itch,..sometimes just because I felt empty. I know,and my dr knows, that the bottle or drugs will take me down faster than the hep c, faster than treatment could. I still sure felt 'thirsty' on occasion. In fact that last weekend I was trying to decide whether to stop or push myself over the limit with my meds...I had to go to the wholesalers down by my old hangouts, a 1/4 mile from an area where you can buy anything you want,a t any time of the day or night,on any corner. From the turmoil of the meds and coming decision, from some personal family issues, and just plain being in terrible shape physically and emotionally, I became terribly anxious, the strongest trigger for me to drink...fear. Bluntly, I was scared sh**less to go out the door. But I had a committment to a job. I had planned on the bank, wholesalers, Home Depot, and the job. I put my 2yr sobriety coin in my pocket, I knelt and asked God to protect me from myself and take over for the day, and to allow me to recognise his help and the help of the people in my life. I took all the money out of my wallet and tossed it on my bed. I skipped the bank, breathed deeply from my stomach all the the way to the wholesalers, got my stuff, and went directly home. I asked my kid, who was having serious issues of his own that morning, if he wanted to go to the job with me and swim in my sisters pool. He did, I didn't drink that day.
Since I've stopped the meds, I have been 'thirstier' than on tx, anxiety has been rearing it's head more often...enhanced by the fact my ex has been calling, mostly needing money because her boyfriend is in outpatient rehab finally at the VA. My ex who is my old party partner, is right up there on my trigger list. Her own brother, who brought me into the rooms of AA, considers her the biggest danger to my staying sober, mother of my son or not. I dropped some cigs and ten dollars to her in her trailer park, and talked to her boyfriend, older than me, a Viet Nam Vet who has 2 weeks clean and sober, for the first time in the 42yrs since he began using. He was on that pink cloud of those who are fortunate to begin to break the cycle of the bottle or drug of choice. Seeing him smiling, looking clean, laughing with me, reminded me how I felt when I first tried to get sober, seeing her reminded me how it was the emotional pain of booz and addiction that brought me to my knees. Thinking of them as I drove away reminded me how far I've come, and how good my life is. I've felt emotional pain since my last drink, 2yrs, 360 days ago. I have felt physical pain, I have felt anxiety and depression. But a day at a time I've chosen to live sober for that day, to ask for help whether I think I need it or not.
Thank you for putting your feelings out there for us. Never hold back from telling us or someone when the urge to drink comes.
I held back a week before my last drink, I had 87days sober, left a meeting where I told everyone I was fine and went to a bar for just one, and spent 6days in the bottle and crack pipe even stealing a gallon of cooking sherry from a restaurant I was so desperate to quell the fear...the fear got worse, finally I realized the only place to quell the fear was in my heart. I went to a meeting of friends like me, I stayed, and I still smile... a lot.
We Love you, thanks for your honesty and openess,
Don