shot 9 tomorrow, good news and bad news

[almanu]

hi
well my c/l has dropped from 5,000,000 to 775 or there abouts, bad news im on a lot of meds and this is upsetting my wife badly,when i say meds im on olanzipine 10 mg , 2 0.5mg of xanax x3 a day, im also on an antidepressant i cant think of it at the mo,im on sleepers aswell,im feelin a hell of a lot better, i dont know if anybody knows me from last posts i was put in a chritian brothers home from 12 to 14 , were i was almost daily abused, because of this and other factors in my life i became a drug addict fron 14 till 32, im 4 years clean so i can see were she getting all the stress from, as she was the angel i needed to help me ,and helped me she did, but i have not a slighest urge to self medicate, i wish i could get this true to my beutifull wife, who im treating like **** at the moment,not doing nuttin in housuse or helping with the kids,,,,god i feel like poo

[desrt]

Do you have one doctor who writes all your Rx and what type of doc is he?

[almanu]

im irish, our health service is appauling,im lucky to get the dribs and drabs tbh

[desrt]

The reason I ask is that the docs here in the US who write IFN Rx aren't necessarily knowledgeable about psych meds and not everyone who writes combos like your on is knowledgeable about IFN If you have more than one doc writing Rx, they need to be in contact with each other.

[comeagain]

You have started out very well almust a 4 log drop week 4 means that you are responding well to the meds. A 2 log drop at w 4 is considering good for a geno1.

That gives you quite a good chanse of clearing this first time tx, if the drop trend continue.
It also gives you a huge benefit if have to tx a second time with telaprevir or something simular.

You are only 36years if you can get rid of it know you have a 20year advantige compared with me. I have three kids the oldest 24 soon the others 15 and 13 all girls.

My oldest girl and I did a lot more things together  then then I´ve done with the younger once.
And I blame that on the progression of the HCV that has wearned me out and and made me depressiv.
So if you can get rid of this disease its not only you how is gonna benefit of that.

ca

ps I strongly believe that even if  tx seems bring forth the worst of you you gonna be
a better person when its all over.

[nygirl7]

Al

As an addict myself I can relate to you with all of my heart.   I found that Paxill helped me a GREAT deal with my anxiety and depression and the whole deal during treatment. My doc put me on them a month before treatment (I didn't want to take them because I was worried I'd develop a problem) but they were cool because it wasn't like I would want to do ten of them once I'd done one.

However - once it came time to quit them I had a helluva time with it.  Not even mentally but physically - but I eventually did it.

Of course your lovely wife who you always talk about with SO much love and respect is going to worry about you and stress. There is no way around that one my friend. It's her job in life.  She loves you.

I guess during treatment though as an addict it is you and only you who can figure out the best path.  Look at Steven Tyler from Aerosmith (my favorite man ah!) anyway on treatment he started taking pain killers here and there and after treatment had quite a habit going to the point he recently had to admit he was in rehab for it.  After over 20 years of sobriety this disease and it's drugs almost took him down for good.

It's a scary thing and sometimes you just gotta muddle through.

You're doing fine numbers wise though and should be clear by week 12 - so hang in there and just try to judge wisely what is really worth it or not.

You know I wish all the best for you and your wife,
Debby

[dorsey15]

I don't know about you-- but ClEAN means clean from your drug of choice..and for you that is XANAX !  and from what your beautiful wife tells us.. you took 14 PAIN MEDS in 6 hours the other day!!  So lets get HONEST here!!!

If you really want this treatment to work -- you need to work with it... If you think 9 weeks is hard-- it gets a hell of a lot harder emotionally down the road!!  The fatigue from treatment causes a lot more anxiety and depression than you can imagine so if your not handling it now-- you will not handle it later...  and XANAX is NOT going to help a DRUG ADDICT who has RELASPED!

GET HONEST.. GET TO A MEETING... and decide if you really want this treatment or just quit not!

[almanu]

i am being honest here the xanax are just 2 x 3 a day some days just twice a day, but there the only things thats getting me true this, as my good friend nygirl ive no urge to take 10 at a time, my grugs of choice were heroin, crack, coke,,,,,,benzos just came with the other addictions, i fel im doing ok, i was 18 months in residential drug teraphy and it goes against every skill i learn to take xanax,,,but hey you know what they arnt goin tru tx i am, im going to make it as easy as possible as im really really struggeling imotionally.

[Marcia2202]

I totally understand where you are coming from. And I know that you said that you will cut down and then stop the xanax, as soon as the AD's start working. Only you can feel your pain and know how it feels to have those constant vivid flashbacks haunting you, before you were taking the xanax. I will never judge you on that. I also know from our communication, that you are super serious about treating your HCV, if not I'm sure you would have already thrown the towel in the ring. I actually admire you for having the strength to go through with this, despite your past having come back so vividly.

And if this is the only way for you to go through treatment, do it, but conciously. I know that you are aware of the possible danger xanax poses to you, as you had told me several times before starting to take them...

So all the advice I have is, is to closely monitor yourself on this one and to really promise yourself to get off them as soon as it is possible to. And once your off them... give them back to the pharmacy... or whatever you do with unused meds in Ireland. Here in Denmark we are advised not to throw meds out in the garbage, but should return them to be destroyed at the pharmacy.

But get rid of them, so you are not tempted to used them.

Hugs my friend.... you can get through this!!! I'm rooting for you!!!

[NJDrummer]

Just because it isn't your drug of choice, doesn't mean you didn't relapse.  Being clean is free from all drugs.  You can't have 4 years clean if you are taking Xanax.  Please don't take this as an attack, because it isn't. Just pointing out facts. Saying it's just Xanax sounds like your just trying to rationalize using drugs...not being honest with yourself isn't going to help you at all mentally with all you are going through.

A lot of things you have said in this post throw up some red flags. Be careful.

[almanu]

well im not back out doing bank robberys and sticking 500 euros up my arm every day, im taking med precribed by my hep, and gp who work closly togeter.,im useing YES but im not abusing, i like he way all addicts get tared with the same stick, once a junkie always a junkie eh,you do not know my story, you read the cover

[almanu]

im sorry if  you tought i was being defencive, one of those days, but what do i do live in pure hell, or take a chance im strong enough,i feel i am.
hugs alan

[portann]

There are good ships, and there are wood ships, the ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships are friendships, and may they always be.

I'm not an ex-drug addict, so you might be wondering why the heck I'm wandering into this discussion. I think Trinity's input is tough love but you need to hear it, rather than whitewash this.

No matter how traumatized our childhoods were, many people find other outlets to cope.  Some become addicted to drugs or gambling or one thing or another; some walk away from the past; some bury it and look to the future, even if at some level there's always a twisted feeling inside.

Ask yourself , if you were advising your own children one day - and I hope you'll have some when this is behind you - what would you want them to do at this fork in the road?

If you've already been through all this, you understand how addiction reaches out and entraps you before you know it. I think you're vulnerable but it is you that has to weigh the risk with the reward.

Your intentions seem so good but isn't there any way you can get through this, however painful the memories, using the least possible drugs. It doesn't matter if they're prescription or not, both can do you harm. Write poetry about your awful memories, paint pictures, fold one thousand paper cranes so you can have a wish but find an alternative, if possible. A walk in the Irish countryside sounds so lovely - have you forgotten what a pretty place it is, even though your school traumatized you so cruelly? I wish you'd muster the strength to get outdoors and get some fresh air. And maybe things will seem different and maybe they won't.

May you never forget what is worth remembering,
Or remember what is best forgotten.

[jdwithhcv]

Hang in there, my friend.  I'm right there with you, cheering you on in spirit.  And thanks for the prayer, its a beauty and I surely will pass it around.  Hoping each day is a little better for you, your wife and your gorgeous children.

jd

[almanu]

im really glad you liked the prayer, it turned my life around 360, amazing what a prayer can do, i was 16 and in prison when my mother gave me it, i never read it again for 10 tears, thats when my life turned around,

[almanu]

im very active with my wife, its her sisters wedding next year, so even do she looks amazing she goes walking to lose unnessery weight, so i tag along, it really lifts the fog,dublin is the most tranquil place on earth,im lucky enough to live at the foot of the dublin mountains....bliss

[meki]

OK - bear with me folks - I'm not an addict to drugs or anything OK?

But Xanax didn't "do" anything to me... It didn't make me "high" or feel floaty or anything --- BUT ---- it did stop my anxiety attacks.

Are there people getting "high" off Xanax?

The first time I took a vicodin I barfed myself silly --- but it took away the pain...

The first time I took a percocet I felt a little loopy - but by a week later - I didn't notice it - and it worked on my pain.

Now -- I also didn't notice going off of those things anything different, except the pain returned.

So --- are people getting something from these types of meds that I just don't get?

And TRUST ME... I've taken REALLY high doses of these things.

What is it that you feel?

I know that I have odd reactions to medications  such as coffee makes me sleepy but wide awake... Methylphenidate makes me eat everything in the house and makes me want to sleep for about 12 hours... Valiums make me grumpy... Lorazepam wakes me up --- but calms down my nerves so things don't make my heart race and my blood pump in my ears...

So Xanax just calms me down.

I am ADHD so that might explain a little...

But seriously --- what are you guys feeling --- when you take these kinds of drugs --- that I am not?

Is that the difference between an addict and a non-addict?

That the addict gets something from the drugs? Something enjoyable and exotic?

I'm sorry if I stepped on any toes by asking - I'm just very curious - because you guys were saying Xanax was a drug of choice...

And I just couldn't imagine it being "ALL THAT and a BAG of POTATO CHIPS" yanno?

[almanu]

first off you havnt stepped on any toes here, secondly if your not curious how will you know, heres a bit about me ,i was a hroin addict from 15 till 32, xanax was not my drug of choice, DRUGS WERE MY DRUG OF CHOICE, i would rally take anything, as for xanax it dodnt get me high or anthing, just eases my panic attacks, god bless almanu


in order to win the war,we have to lose some battles.

[almanu]

most of what you say is toatally right, i really dont think i was coming on to strong as your a good cyber pal, sorry al

[ponie]

Hi there.

I'm pretty new to this form. However your story touched me, as well as the candid and concerned support you received. First, I want to commend you on your honesty and integrity. Both the latter attributes are a strong and essential component for recovery. Thanks for sharing. Second, I think you received some valuable information regarding your recovery, addiction and treatment. Keep in mind the common theme regarding the feeedback you received is all those who responded care, as I.  Third, you are a brave man. You have obviously confronted your daemons. I would not want to be the dragon facing the south end of your sword! You and only you Almanu know your limitations, and intentions. As a chemical dependency counselor in my past life I am quit aware of relapse triggers, drug use is one at the top. Having said that and gotten that out of the way, I am also unorthodox in my theoretical approach to recovery. I honestly believe spirituality has a key component, as substance abuse first robs us of who we are values and all. Spirituality means something different to everyone. Being in touch with ourselves and knowing who we are as human beings, and how we connect with the universe (others) and ourselves puts it in a basic nut shell for me. It sounded to me that you have this component and are struggling to hang on to it, as evidenced by your well founded fears of Alaprozam (Xanax) interfering with your recovery. At least, for what I have gathered, that is your wife's concern. Listening to those who love us can be difficult, trusting in their observations and opinions can be unsettling. However, listening to and sharing our fears, hopes, dreams and gratitude with our loved ones is an indication someone is active in their recovery. I use to think very concretely about recovery/abstinence, complete abstinence regardless of the situation. No I'm not in recovery or have ever been in substance abuse recovery - but life in general. I rather refer to recovery as 'healing.' Now I look at things a bit differently. I think recovery can mean a lot of things to everyone. I don't believe people in recovery should be deprived of drugs if in fact if they are experiencing severe pain or discomfort. As a law enforcement officer, I'm one of the few that believe in medical marijuana. I believe people who are seriously involved in their recovery truly know whets best. Knowing one's triggers and the ability to share our true feelings is a large part of recovery. I understand you abused many drugs to escape from past and present daemons. Back then you had very specific reasons for using drugs. Just as you know have very specific reasons for using your Xanax. Your reasons have changed, you shared your concerns and fears with your wife and those on this form - your honesty remains part of your recovery. Integrity is looking in the mirror and honoring how you are and the choices you ARE making (not past). That piece is your key that will lead you to the right decision. Remember, you brought you truth and fears to the form and your loved ones. Be able to accept the feedback, correct or in correct. But there is a reason you are concerned, keep listening to yourself and those who love you. Your honesty will show you your path; your integrity will take you there. I'm into my 17th week of treatment. I am struggling like never before, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am not the same person as I was when I started this treatment. I can honestly say I don't like seeing the person I have became. I am short with people, not present, angry, and sometimes bitter. Sometimes I feel like I have lost those very personal attributes I had just shared. My mirror has become my dragon - confronting myself and my behaviors. I am trying to become more accountable regardless of how difficult the chosen path. For me it's all about making the best choice for the right reason.  Best of luck in your journey my friend. Your struggles have not fallen on deft ears.                        

[meki]

Thanks guys (trin is included in "guys" LOL!)

I just ---  I mean - I hear all the things and see people all the time that have problems... But from where I sit --- it's not "acceptable" to ask those kinds of questions... They just "are"...

I dunno if that makes sense - but when I'm at the desk - and they are arresting someone - I can't really jump up and ask the questions my curiosity has... LOL!


But thank you so much for answering.

I've really been in kind of awe of the folks who have battled so much ---- AND have to battle HCV...

And I'll tell you the truth --- those rescue drugs --- and the drugs I take now for Neuropathy -- and Fibro --- OH MY GAWD... I wouldn't be able to function without them. I would curl up into a ball and die... Literally.

So - for me it's inspiring to see people combat such odds --- like addiction and previous addictions --- it makes me feel like such a wuss for complaining.

Much love,

Meki