sunday recovery and silly files

Good day
since I was not online till late last friday the friday funnies will appear here a day where some are rebounding from their shots
first a few parameters :feel free to add your own .
Opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the management.Be forewarned the management is not responsible for any losses of bodily fluids,spewed coffees or tea onto electronic devicesor laps Any complaints regarding wet moments while LAO where the complainer is not wearing depends will be fwded to complaints dept,head supervisor Helen Waite GO there
enter at own risk otheres may consider commiting you unless you advise forehand

thankyou
MISS Management
seemore and dolittle corp

[johnisme]

Hey goof, im sure you of all people have had this problem. But like others, maybe feel its to personel to talk about????

But here goes, their depends for adults and the best brand to get is called... Opps i p**ped my pants... They really are the best... Oh you ask how do i know????

Because im wearing them, and i just did.

[GoofyDad]

"You stay out of this pal!
I'm talking to that little s**t on your knee."

.... who from his vantage point, knew she wasn't a blonde at all...

[derail]

see following site and turn on the volume
Http://thissiterocks.com/videos/v188.swf

[derail]

ya think??


1- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4- I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9- You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they're okay, then it must be you.

12- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

=======================================

I don't believe in organized religion, so I joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday, the preacher overslept and arrived thirty minutes late with no sermon, and then the
Ladies' Auxiliary lost the names of people volunteering for next week's bake sale

  

[derail]

ya think??


1- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4- I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9- You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11- One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they're okay, then it must be you.

12- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13- A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

=======================================

I don't believe in organized religion, so I joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday, the preacher overslept and arrived thirty minutes late with no sermon, and then the
Ladies' Auxiliary lost the names of people volunteering for next week's bake sale

  

[Forseegood]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and
from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to stutter and apologize,
and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this pal!
I'm talking to that little s**t on your knee."

[dammitjanet]

FIRST DATE -

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates.....but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman
ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The
outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
traffic and indeed was a real gentle man and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her
dilemma..

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being p***ed off."

[SnoWav]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view

[GoofyDad]

An Australian, visiting the States for the first time, hits it off with a lass in the hotel bar. Eventually they retire to her suite, where he asks if he can rearrange the furniture. She agrees, and he systematically removes every item of furniture from the room.

"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, we'll be needing needing plenty of room, won't we?"

[GoofyDad]

Last Sunday afternoon, recovering from my Saturady night shot, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a cool tea and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street - always the busy-body - was so irritated at my apprent laziness that she came over and lectured me. "You should be hung, watching her work like that", she admonished.

I took a long sip from my tea, wiped the cold sweat from my lips, lifted my Ray Bans and stared directly at this mirerable intrusion into my afternoon. After soothing myself for a moment, I replied in the calmest voice I could muster, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass. How would you like to paint the porch?"

[strator]

..before I leave this planet I want to be you for a day!

[cuteus]

the s**t had x ray vision capabilities or was this a nudist club?

[vegas777]

hahaha that was a good one!

*da dip*