the return of the friday funnies

good morning and welcome all
last evening I got to drop off my two of my grand daughters to their dance class and wait for them to finish
                                                                there were over 100 kids taking the lessons and lo and behold it was line dancing

Now picture this 100 kids aged 3 to5 in rows dreassed all in their jogging suits( all green)   man I thought I was back in the 60's watching a Mao rally all the kids needed was those silly caps

now on to the funnies

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[derail]

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

[derail]

dumb criminals

#10 Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

#9 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

#8 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

#7 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

#6 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

#5 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

#4 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

#3 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

#2 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

And, The Number One Dumbest Criminal Winner Is...

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.






daryl

[couldn't think of a nickname]

LMAO!!!

[Snookmiester]

Daryl, the funnies are a much needed thing around here, as MANY are to busy taking everything sooooooooo serious!!

Keep us laughing my man!

[cuteus]

this is a good week to re start this tradition, let me dig my archives;
how about some rules for dieting under stress:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than the other person does.
4.Foods for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast with jam, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you , you will look thinner.

of course if you do tx, you might not need above rules.

[friole]

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

THey have bat breath


What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Tweets


What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure


What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

Dead Ends


What is a vampire's favorte mode of transportation?

A blood vessel



A Halloween witch was frenetic.
She feared it was something genetic.
They tested her sugar
And found a bog booger.
They ruled she is snot diabetic

friole

[derail]

now you are reaching

[bobbyullc]

DUMB CRIMINALS?

TRUE STORIE,

MY SON WAS A DELIVERY DRIVER FOR A PIZZA PLACE. HE GOT A CALL TO DELIVER A PIZZA AND GOT THE MANS NAME PHONE # AND ADDRESS. HE COULD NOT GET HIS CAR STARTED SO CALLED THE CUSTOMER AND ASKED HIM TO COME AND PICK IT UP AND IT WOULD BE FREE. MY SON WAS WORKING ON HIS CAR WHEN THEY SHOWED. HE GAVE THEM THE PIZZA AND THEY LEFT. 2 MINUTES LATER HE WENT OUT AND FOUND HIS STERIO MISSING FROM THE CAR. HE CALLED THE POLICE, THEY WENT TO THE ADDRESS AND FOUND THE CUSTOMER TRYING TO INSTALL THE STERIO IN HIS CAR. HE GOT 9 MONTHS.

PS. WHEN I GOT TO HIS WORK TO HELP HIM WITH HIS CAR HE FOUND IT WAS NOT IN GEAR SO WOULD NOT START? A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK.

[derail]

snook if you keep dropping alter nicknames for me you will confuse everyone perhaps the origin of the beaver comments need to be explored

[derail]

remember this???

I HATE always having to get serious on these Funny Pages but due to the increasing THREAT of product liability litigation on this TREATMENT we are consuming

[rifleman]

A woman was in an accident and was lying in the hospital in a coma.  One of the doctors recalled a study where oral s-e-x had jolted a person out of a coma.  The woman's husband was called in and told of the study and asked to perform the deed in hopes of getting his wife out of the coma.  "OK," the doctors told him, "Go into the room and perform oral s-e-x on your wife and we'll see what happens."
The man went into the room and closed the door.  Five minutes later the alarm at the nurse's desk sounded as the patient had coded.  A crash cart and defibrilator were grabbed and the doctors and nurses burst into the room.
"What the he-ll happened?" the doctor cried out.
"I don't know," the man said while zipping his pants. "She must have choked!"

DJL

[Healed24]

Nice to see there is some humor left on the board.

Brooke
GOD BLESS

[PasoPerson]

Oh well, I tried ... please cut & past the link.  Hyperlink failed miserably again.  :)

[PasoPerson]

I'm late, but here is the article I told you about last Friday.  I think you'll enjoy, to put it mildly.

- - - - - - -

[url]http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrolBriceStreet.html[/url]

- - - - - - -

[PasoPerson]

Yes, you are right.  When we can no longer laugh or find humor somewhere in our life, that would be a very sad day indeed.  Sometimes my ability to laugh is all that keeps me going.

And I am surprised that no one commented about the article I hyperlinked in my post above.  I almost died laughing reading it.  Oh well, those who are meant to laugh will go there and read about a one-and-only squirrel who about undid his local police department.  ROFLMBO

[derail]

chev
either enter the url www.lifeisaroad.com and when you get there go to stories
failing that google the url and you will find alisting of several of his stories scroll down till you get to neighbor hazard
paso
I came acrooss this site by a fluke several weeks ago and had forgotten it thanx for the link

[PasoPerson]

Derail - Glad to bring this one back to you.  Funniest joke in a long time for me.  And thanks for picking up the Friday Funnies.  I tried last week, but only have a few offerings to submit.  In the meantime, due to concerns re: copyright infringement, I decided it best to post the link only, and failed.  Thanks for showing chevygal.

Chevygal - Glad you liked it.  The mental picture was too much for me, about died laughing.  Sides hurt soooo bad, didn't care.

[derail]

just needed to ask you was this one of those pantyliner moments?

[derail]

no probs my freind perhaps u can post the fri fight songs onhot heps weekly
and BTW so glad you cleared

[Tonyz]

Now this is a part of that I missed alot.M

  Thanks Derail for bringing it Back.



A sign in a psychiatrist's clinic says: "Madness is expensive - We accept Credit Cards".
----------------------------------------------------------------

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"



        Blessings

          TonyZ

[derail]

why thank you muchly i have recieved commitment papers several times but as always they are filed in the big round file box
as you know heaven dont want me and hells afraid I'll take over