Behavioral or psychological sx

Hi all, this is my first question after 5 years here and some recent encouragement to do so. We all know about the physical sx , both light and severe, short term and long term but how about  behavioral or psychological sx. Before tx in 2000 I was very outgoing, confident and successful in my career. Dream job, dream house, no real worries or dramas. Two years later I walked away from it all. Sure, like many others, I had felt depressed, struggled a little at work and lost some confidence in myself. I had to really struggle to accomplish things that once came naturally. But to this day I’m not sure why I just gave it all up and why I still do things out of character for me. I still feel really mixed up at times. Maybe someone else has addressed this topic here before and I missed it as I tend to drop off the map for periods of time. I’d like to hear from others who may have had similar experiences or have any comments or suggestions. Finally, it's time to say thanks to all in this group over the years. Your questions, comments and sense of humor have always been helpful, informative and yes, even make me laugh sometimes (in a good way). I’m hoping for the same again.

[Diane12855]

I'm not done with tx yet, so I can't answer your original question, but I did want to say something about something you mentioned in one of your answers.

" but stilled remained upset with myself for all the bad decisions I had made shortly after tx"

I think you need to forgive yourself for those bad decisions. There is no way to go back and change them, and if you keep comdemning yourself for making them, you won't be able to go forward from here and make your life better. I have heard a lot of preachers talking about the damage we do to ourselves when we hold on to anger against another person and refuse to forgive them. I personally think that we do even more damage when we are the person we refuse to forgive.

I think everybody on here has made some huge mistakes in the past, you aren't unique in that respect. Keep telling yourself..."Tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it."

Diane

[FlGuy]

I have a theory.  Many of us discover hcv later life when all sorts of normal wear and tear mount up. Throw the mystery of hcv on that and the prospects of an impaired life get right in your face.  So, I think there's a possibility of a perfect storm of circumstances that many of us face; the mid-life crazies, a wearing down body, youth slipping away, and a scary disease all tied up in a pretty yellow bow.  So, you get all this stuff together and you get high, or buy a motorcycle, jump out of planes, start a new life or just crawl into a dark and foreboding cave.  I think many people take the convienience of hcv and allocate a lot of cares and woes to the disease that it might not really deserve.

But, what do I know - I've described myself and it might not be anyone else.

[dointime]

My hcv diagnosis gave me the first up close and personal message that I am really going to die some day.  Until then I knew in an academic way that everything that is born must die, but that's not the same as the close encounter you get when the grim reaper actually comes knocking on your door.  Until that point I had been happily going about my life oblivious to such thoughts, as if I were immortal.  So in my case you could say that ignorance was bliss.  

Well now I know that I might well die of old age before I die from hcv but that doesn't make it all ok again.  The awareness of my own ultimate demise has put a dent in me that I don't think even an SVR would fix.  

I think that an hcv diagnosis is a very shocking experience, especially for people who previously felt strong and confident.  Finding out that I had feet of clay just like everybody else certainly sent me crashing down to earth.  I am wiser now but I wonder if I would trade that in to get my joie de vivre back again.  .  

dointime            

[speed502]

To FlGuy:
Good theory and you make some good points. Although I didn't just crawl into a cave after tx. I kept working and trying to be my old self for over 2 years post tx and things just seemed to get worse. Not looking to start a new life just get my old one back. I didn't keep the job or the house but I did keep the Harley! Glad to hear you're doing so well.

To dointime:
I felt that way also after dx but more so after tx. Thought I would breeze through tx and get back to 'normal'. When that didn't happen I guess my immortality took a big hit. I didn't handle that part too well and with the lingering physical and psycho sx sort of spiraled downward from there and got stuck at the bottom.

Thanks and best of luck to you both.
Speed

[Trinity4]

Treatment actually brought some positive changes in my life even though I didn't SVR.  I'm far more patient and empathetic now than I have ever been in my life.  I know to some here it doesn't appear so but those who know me realize this was a very positive change :)  I no longer have a burning desire to accomplish great deeds.  I enjoy the little everyday things now, insignificant as they may be.  Much more laid back now and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

Trinity

[speed502]

I did SVR in'01 but it took years to see any positive changes. After about 5 years I did start to feel better physically and mentally I resigned myself to the fact that this may take much longer than I originally thought, if ever. I did get more patient and started to look at things from a better perspective but stilled remained upset with myself for all the bad decisions I had made shortly after tx. FlGuy may be right and I may have blamed tx too much, not sure. I do have a better outlook after finally posting and getting this off my chest. The few comments so far have gotten me thinking with a more open mind.
72 weeks of tx and no SVR must have been awfully rough on you and I see you're currently  waiting on PI tx. You're not only patient with a remarkable outlook but very resilient and show a lot of fight! Thanks for your thoughts on this and I wish you all the best in your ongoing battle.

Speed

[Diane12855]

I'm not done with tx yet, so I can't answer your original question, but I did want to say something about something you mentioned in one of your answers.

" but stilled remained upset with myself for all the bad decisions I had made shortly after tx"

I think you need to forgive yourself for those bad decisions. There is no way to go back and change them, and if you keep comdemning yourself for making them, you won't be able to go forward from here and make your life better. I have heard a lot of preachers talking about the damage we do to ourselves when we hold on to anger against another person and refuse to forgive them. I personally think that we do even more damage when we are the person we refuse to forgive.

I think everybody on here has made some huge mistakes in the past, you aren't unique in that respect. Keep telling yourself..."Tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it."

Diane

[Trinity4]

"I have heard a lot of preachers talking about the damage we do to ourselves when we hold on to anger against another person and refuse to forgive them. I personally think that we do even more damage when we are the person we refuse to forgive."

It didn't take any preaching for me learn that one.  Bottom line, let it go or be miserable and it really has no association with any religious concept.  It's just a fact of life.

Trinity

[child24angel]

Religion has nothing to do with forgiving and moving on.
No preaching here.


Sometimes you can't and get stuck and that's OK too

[Emily_MHModerator]

Religion and politics aren't allowed for anyone on any member forum.  It's not a hep rule, or a rule for certain people.  It's a site-wide rule.

It is also off-topic for this thread.

Emily

[nygirl7]

We all have to remember that we do not all share the same belief system and saying "my thoughts and prayers are with you" sometimes is needed by someone, but it's a general relevent statement that pertains to what is going on and doesn't just abstractly stick religion into a thread nor really pick out any religious belief in particular.

Just as you can say "go out and vote" but not "go out and vote for John Jones, Jim Smith *****"...........politics and religion have created some real nightmares on the forum so we avoid them as per the rules.

It really works out much better for the forum and friendships in the long run.

[FlGuy]

Bless you

[spectda]

LOL!

[nygirl7]

Thank you, FLG, it must be my allergies ;)

[Marcia2202]

priceless

[speed502]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Very helpful as usual. Should have asked you all long ago.

To Diane
I never really saw it happening. I guess it was easier to be down on myself after tx. I've been rebuilding my life slowly but wasn't real happy with the pace. It's time to accept that just moving forward is progress and not compare it to the past. Thanks again and  best of luck to you during and after tx.

Speed

[Diane12855]

You are so right! Any forward progress is good. It is really hard to learn to accept a slower version of ourselves... especially when we used to be such go-getters. One thing that I realized was that I was using what little energy that I did have on things that really didn't matter all that much, and then didn't have the energy to do the important things... great source for a self guilt trip.

Hang in there....we'll all get there one way or the other,
Diane

[speed502]

At the risk of getting flagged, "Amen to that".

[Diane12855]

(:-)