Depression after EOT - End of Treatment

[Trish77]

I'm sorry I haven't been here or posting much and I'm sorry because it feels like I've abandoned everybody and it's the last thing I want to do.  I try and read and try and post...it doesn't get very far though.  Not even that one political thread and I really had things I wanted to say to that.....lol

I've not been doing well.  I made it all the way through treatment with no depression and no meds other than the ones to deal with the wild mood swings.  And now that I've done treatment, I've sunk into this deep dark depression.  I've been quietly trying to battle it and I'm not doing well.  It's completely irrational.  It isn't because I got pulled off treatment early, that's not what I'm focused on. It's doing the switchover back to life. It's just the futility of life and effort, for some reason.  I can't even imagine me being in this kind of place mentally, a person who has fought hard her whole life with a "never say die" attitude.  And yet here I am.  

The doctor wants me on AD's and I'm just having a hard time with that.  He's trying to tell me this is a chemical imbalance caused by coming off the meds and he's telling me that I'll need to be on them for six to nine months.  I'm just having a hard time with that concept.  That I have to have meds to help me think well again.  I've always been able to dig deep and pull it around and I'll hit a day or portion of a day where I think I'm finally pulling out of this and down I go again.  In the meantime, I keep working and going through the motions but ... I'm not really here, you know?  Not doing so good right *now*....AFTER treatment.  Go figure.  I'm fighting really hard right now .. just not doing well.

I don't know what else to say.  Anyone else go through similar after treatment or after having to stop treatment prematurely?  Is this a result of coming off the treatment drugs or .. what?  

Trish

[Trish77]

I guess I feel lost.  Like I got "voted off the island" by having treatment stopped and I don't know my place out in the world anymore. Isn't that crazy?  Kind of lost in no-man's land at the moment.  Can *anyone* relate to that?  And I'm sorry if I'm being too personal.

[geterdone]

Good Morning Trish, was wondering what happened to you, sorry to hear of the blues but this to shall soon pass.

jasper

[Trish77]

I'm hoping, Jasper.  I'm fighting them really hard.  Now I gotta get off to work.  Overtime on a Saturday, kids in university, helps to pay the bills.  Thankfully I can do the work.

Trish

[rita863]

Trish,

I am so sorry your feeling this way.    I think I can relate.  I am at week 46, and for the past year my life has been based on TX.  I treat, work and sleep.  I am in my own little world,  I have built somewhat of a cocoon and not to say that I like the way I am living, it just the norm now.  If i choose not to attend a social function, no one can say anything, if i sleep all day saturday, no one can say anything.  If I choose to stay in pj's with no makeup no one can say anthing, and its justified.  Now coming towards the end, its kinda of scary to think that I just go back to life before TX, how does that happen????

Not sure if thats your feeling, but I would just try and wait it out to see if it passes, I am not a pick one for AD's, but that is just me, they may help you.

I just truly believe we are in the world of heppers and tx and sides and boom back to the real world...

PM me anytime you want to talk or call me!!!

hugs to you!!!

peace
rita

[Xenigma]

I think part of it is getting pulled early and the
other part is anxiety of the unknown.  I did not get pulled early
and did not take ad's on tx, but after tx I was a bit more anxious and
had a touch of the blues as well.  Just try and take each day as it comes and
just like on tx, don't look too far into the future, and don't dwell on the past.  
What's done is done and what will be will be.  
Hopefully you will feel better soon and get back to your self again.
If you need a mild AD (preferably one you can break in half and not a capsule)
try it for a bit.  There is nothing wrong with helping yourself to get out of the slump you're in.  Sometimes the holidays and changing the clock can compound the blues as well.
Feel better...
enigma

[charm27]

Happy days will be here again. Its very hard to make the transition back to life.
I am thinking about it and starting to have panic atytacks and breaking out in hot sweats.
You will be okay ...just like everything else will take time.

Rest, pamper yourself and think happy thoughts.
My prayers and good wishes are with you.
Be easy on yourself.

Charm

[Andiamo1]

I understand fully what you are going through; I experienced it every time I stopped and none worse than this time when I am SVR.

Depression is one of the most awful diseases and you certainly have my sympathy.  I found exercise to be very helpful.  If you have the time, take a vacation and go snorkeling or scuba diving -- anything very different from your normal routine that has physical activity associated with it; hiking or skiing or anything else you might enjoy and that takes some personal commitment -- even a tennis camp if that has your interest.

You have a lot of people here that care about you and I am sure that will help.

Eric

[fretboard]

If you are dead set against taking AD's for whatever reason you can take amino acids.  My trial ppl are letting me take mine, they call it a vitamin.  I disagree on that point b/c I've never taken a vitamin that makes you feel better within 3 to 5 days of taking them.  Mine are specific to my needs b/c I'm on prescribed meds.  I'll leave a link at the bottom, the link has nothing to do with the amino acids that I take.  I don't think they're selling anything besides the idea.  Personally I wouldn't have a problem taking or trying an AD b/c tx is a big deal.  It changes your life, your outlook on things and everything else in-between.  Besides, not to be a smart alec, but there isn't anything wrong with wanting to feel better.lol  I once had a very good doctor and one time when I went for an appointment he said to me "you're depressed", I said how do you know?  He said because it shows on your face.  I'm just giving you the heads up that some doctors know these things and they're trying to help you.  You may want to trust his judgement, you only have to try them for 2 to 5 weeks.  Start out with something mild and if it don't work you can try another one, or not.  If my link is zapped, just google amino on depression.  God Bless

  http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/292183/amino_acids_can_help_depression_and.html?cat=68

[jmjm530]

Sorry you're feeling like this.

Interferon-induced depression is very common and that is no doubt what your doctor is talking about. Why more now than before is only speculation. It could be chemical, situational or a combination. Your docs explanation makes as much sense as any My doc callled it "interferon hangover" and I believe Dr.  Dieterich uses the same term to a similar question in the Expert Forum. I do remember more than one member from the past who expererienced signficant depression following treatment that lasted for some time but did finally resolve. The 6-9 month time period seems a very good guestimate. It could be shorter. Could be longer. ADs do sound like the solution although since it's been such a short while since you've stopped, there's always the option of waiting a month or so depending on how you feel. Eric's suggestion of exercise is a good one, at least something to try.

Personally, I didn't feel clasically depressed post treatment but I did feel as my zest for life was signifcantly diminished. Not exactly zombie like, just more removed and less engaged in people, matters, things. Others have reported similar. I'm reluctant to try ADs because I didn't react well when I briefly tried them on treatment but still not ruling them out.  Anway, two years post treatment I'm starting to feel more normal in that respect.

------------
Eric,

I haven't been following all your post so this may have been covered before.

I do remember after your SVR you posted how you felt better than you've ever felt in your life. More energy, etc, etc. Maybe I'm reading either your earlier posts wrong or this one, but it seems that might have been short lived. So what happened after SVR and when? Mentally and physically. For me, I had a brief manic period post treatment where I did feel teriffic but unfortunately it lasted less than a month. Was it the victory of SVR? Coming off the Peg? Coming off the riba? I don't know. But soon enough the post treatment malaise did set in

-- Jim

[Andiamo1]

I was referring to three months back in the post here in this thread.  I went through my usual course of mood swings post this treatment, but the swings are much more pronounced now.  I am not sure if it is age, or the fact that this time I am SVR.

This time the depression was deeper and shorter lived than in any other post treatment period.  I have been feeling better and better over the past two months.

I have had problems with depression since adolescence.

Thanks for asking.
Eric

[Isobella]

So glad to see you posting, but sorry to hear about the trouble you are having.

I know that we all have feelings one way or another about the use of anti-d's.  I am a hepper that chose to start them when I started tx.  And am glad. (a happy hepper, if you will)

But this isn't like that.  You are now having signs and symptoms of being depressed-or of a chemical imbalance-and these meds can help with that.  It is not forever.  Just until this poison that you were taking gets out of your system and things return to normal

There can be no doubt in the minds of anyone that you are a strong, self reliant dragon slaying warrior, but as we all know these drugs can change our bodies beyond our control.  Whether it is with our wbc's, hgb, anc's or serotinin.  It is not a reflection of our strength.  It is just another sx.   And an anti-d is sometimes just another rescue drug.  No different-use it till the problem goes away---taper off---feel better and enjoy SVR =)

As trial participants, the help we get as far as rescue drugs is so limited-I, for one, am all for taking all the help I can get.

You are not alone on the island.  We are all still here.  I have been with you since the beginning and am still right behind ya--trying to catch up, lol!  

I wish you the best in getting thru this time whatever you decide to do.  There is an end to the madness.....I will look forward to getting there with you =)

Isobella

[susan400]

Trish, I've been through that so many times and I can relate to what you are going through.  I've had to fight with be so negative, within myself for so long!  Also, when we are doing treatments, we get so focused on the 'getting through the treatment part' that when that goes away, there's like a big whammy that follows.  I've heard this from other people who have even achieved SVR, so I know that it's not just in myself as a chronic non-responder.  We put all of this hope into, 'when I'm off of treatment I will feel better and I will do such and such' ..., and then, when the treatment stops and if 'such and such' doesn't take place, it can be another let down.   I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense, or if it's making you feel worse.  I hope that it's not making you feel worse!.  I just want you to know that I understand.

Susan400

[jdwithhcv]

I'm so sorry to hear this, you have fought with so much courage and it must be devastating to get the rug pulled out from under you like that.  Now the future must seem even more uncertain.  Fear of the unknown is so cruel, it works on your mind no matter how hard you try to keep positive.  The hard part for me is making friends with the idea that the picture of the future emerges slowly and we don't ever know what its going to look like til we arrive.  Like you, I don't like the idea of ADs and I'm thankful that I got through without them, but don't try to tough this out on your own.  If your doctor thinks they will help, well it might be worth a try.

I've been wondering how you are because you haven't posted in a while.  f you had been on the forum this past week you might be even more depressed than you are now, but the dust is settling a bit now.  Reach out when you need to - we're here for you.

Be well,
jd

[kickboxingmom]

If you need to just talk I'm here.Just know this.You have and continue to help people in so many ways.I know you've helped me so for.Stop and look at the BIG picture.You have been through alot and just to have everything pulled all at once.I think your doing amazing.Your kids think you are amazing and alot of people on this forum know you are amazing.It seems to be normal to be where your at.Your not a beleiver in AD's and I've never taken them.You trust your Dr.I remember you saying you do.Think about it hard.I think you'll be fine.
God Bless,
Tammy

[Lady Lauri]

Oh boy, your repeating me exactly! I KNOW where your at right now.

No AD's during tx, kept a pretty good attitude. Post tx I went into emotional h*ll, depression. It was scary. Of course they handed me AD's, 1st one I had a reaction, had to stop. Then it all left me as quick as it started! (I also did a lot of acupunture, some believe, some don't...I do.) I had never dealt with depression, this was awful. I even wondered if it thru me into menopause. Like you, I battled it quietly at first and then just totally broke down one weekend with my family, friends. I was a MESS!

The AD's is quite a choice, I know. For me to even say I'll try it, it had to be really bad. If you want to give it a bit more time, see if it clears up like mine did, try that. But it's not such a bad idea for a few mths. I am a firm believer in these meds totally whack out everything in our system and coming off of them we have a hard time adjusting many things back to normal, the 'withdrawal' theory. It took me 6-7 mths to even feel a little better, tho the emotional h*ll took a couple.

I do believe this will pass for you Trish, tho it's hard to feel better now, I've spoken to several that went thru this so hang on to those thoughts.

Hoping it pass's soon, LL

[dointime]

From how you describe it I'd say that the same thing happened to me.  I was a trouper all through tx, no AD's, but after getting a shock breakthrough and sudden termination of tx I felt bad for a long time.  For the 1st 3 months I chalked it up to the meds still being in my system.  After that I got very worried about my health because I still felt depressed, so I went the round of doctors and got tested for everything.  Luckily nothing new was found to be wrong, just the good old hepC still with me and the challenge of living with it for several years into the future.  

I never took AD's, although I would have if I had become very distressed.  Instead I got a campervan which demanded I get out in the fresh air and work on it.  That strategy worked for me to distract me from my gloom and get me active again.

After a full year off the drugs I finally have shaken off most of the depression although I still get tired easily.  I believe that there is such a thing as an interferon 'hangover' which lasts much longer than the time it takes for the drug to physically clear the system.  At times I wondered if I would ever get out of that dark place again.  Until I get cured of hepC I feel I will always be living under a cloud, but I can tell you that I had significant improvement after 12 months post tx.

I am hoping you got to SVR this time round.  I imagine that would help you a great deal psychologically, at least it would have helped me.  
Good luck to you,  
dointime          

[desrt]

It gets better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf_P8AAgWJw&feature=PlayList&p=96D1E9C38571B80B&index=0&playnext=1

[dointime]

You know, going over all this again in my mind, it was the people on this forum who got me through the whole tx trauma - through the time of being on tx and also post tx.  When I was really stuck I'd post here about it and sure enough there was always somebody out there who had some wisdom about it and who cared enough to reply.  No matter how vague, obscure or wierd - and lets face it the drugs can get you to some very strange places - somebody recognised what I was on about.  Just finding that out was half the battle won already.  

So to everybody who helped me - you know who you are - THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.  I won't forget you.

Trish please excuse me for sort of hijacking your thread but it's half on topic, isn't it,

dointime          

[epiphiny]

Hey Trish, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, especially as I know how you feel about the anti-D's.

When I was battling out the same thing my doctor made a very good point; she said that if I had a thyroid imbalance would I hesitate to take thyroid medication that would restore my normal levels.  I wouldn't even hesitate, I replied and I imagine neither would you...

Taking the ADs is exactly the same thing, there is a chemical imbalance that needs some help being restored.  They also help train your body to start producing the correct amounts of serotonin, they are not just an end in themselves but a means to an end...

I understand the feelings of having a failed treatment as that happened to me too.  I found it took me about 9 to 12 months to get over it and I was glad I had the ADs to help me through.  I had to keep going in life, I have a job, family, responsibilities that don't stop.  I wish I could take a long cruise or road trip but that's not my life, my life demands I keep going..

I do wish you all the best Trish, you can pull through this and I think all your feelings are completely normal.  It's a big deal what you've been doing and there are repercussions to deal with and unexpected realities to adjust to.

The most important thing is that you are able to gather your strength and resources again as soon as you can and start to participate in your life again.  Do what you need to do to get there.

Epi :)

[geterdone]

Bump! What’s the problem here? Posted yesterday feeling under the water and have not heard a word today. Ok, going to cut you a little slack here because you said you worked yesterday but it is not an excuse for today? don't make me call the mounties… you alive or what.

jasper

[Trish77]

Hi jasper ...worked both days.  Got home yesterday, ate supper and promptly crashed til morning then got up and went to work again today and just got home a little while ago.  I have been reading on breaks at work .. kept me going.  

Sorry for the silence after such a post.  There is a bit of truth and healing in every post I've read here.  Thank you to everyone and I will catch up with all of this soon enough.

Trish

[geterdone]

Boy, you are lucky that you posted because you would had to listen to this befor the dogs were sent out...lol

jasper

Long Distance Information, give me the Canadian Mounties.

Help me find the party that tried to get in touch with me.

They would not leave a number, but I know the place to call,

Cause medhelp took a message, and they wrote it on the wall.


Long Distance Information, get in touch with Miss Trishie.

She's the only one who'd phone me here hepperville, Tennessee.

Her home is on the south side, high up on a ridge,

Just a half a mile from the US American side.


Now, last time we I saw Marie, she was waving us goodbye,

With "I’m feeling alone" drops on her cheeks that trickled from her eyes.

Trish is only 46 years old. Information, please,

Try to put me through to her in Canada please.


Oh, you mean so much to us, more than you'll ever know.

Surely you have not forgot us and how much we love you so.

If you would remember, dear, and sometimes talk to us.

Maybe that would reunite our home here in hepperville, medhelp.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctf0Lu_f2ec&feature=related

[epiphiny]

Geter, what would this forum do without you?  I'm so glad you bumped this up again, and Trish, I'm so glad you posted as I too had been wondering how you were doing...

[goosenbee]

Sooo sorry you are feeling bad.

Like the others, I know a bit of what you're going through.  I was clinically depressed before TX, during TX and now afterTX.  ADs kept me going and still do.

I, too, felt wonderful for about a month post-TX, then sunk back down and when I got my 3-month blood work sunk even deeper (the monster returned.)  I am now 10 months post-TX and am finally getting some  life back (also changed ADs and that helped a lot with energy).

What we describe reminds me of what happened to many HIV patients when medicines stopped that virus from becoming a death sentence. Patients had to readjust from "how can I stay alive" to "what do I do now that I will stay alive"

Somehow the end of TX meant this was REAL. Not going away. This is my life now -- limited energy, brain fog, disability, etc. -- and what is it going to be like until I die.

I haven't figured out what I want it to be like yet, but I am at least able to start living again.

Take care of yourself and hang in there,

goosenbee

PS -- Rita, like you, I nested in my own little TX world because I physically and mentally had to.  Post-TX, I have continued to nest as much as I need to. Rest, dress, go out only when I feel like it. Maybe being sick has changed me, but I just don't do many things I don't want to do anymore. Life is too short. I am officially a cranky old woman, I guess!

[sunshine585]

I'm so happy to hear from you, I'm just sorry it's under these circumstances. I went off tx just after you for the same reasons as you. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were adjusting post tx. I had planned, when I felt better, to send you a note. If I could take you by the hand and pull you through this I would, I understand how you feel. I initially felt in limbo. I'm not one to dwell on things, so I thought ok accept tx is over and move on. To what? This has been my life for almost a year. I thought I should be making plans and getting on with life, but I'm still not feeling good. I also went through guilt feelings, because at one point I didn't think I could cope with these meds and thought seriously about going off. You'd think I was happy to get off these meds, I'm not sure that I am. I made the decicion, that I just can't make plans and move ahead right now, and that's alright. I've decided to give myself til the end of Nov. without any expectations of myself. I'm hoping by then, I'll have a better picture of how quickly I'm recovering and can make plans accordingly. These drugs, sucked the life out of us, it will take some time for our poor bodies to heal, both mentally and physically. I also wonder if ther might be an element of withdrawal symptoms. I was thinking of maybe starting on some supplements to help strengthen my body.
  As far as ad's, I myself have been on them since the beginning of tx. It seems to me that I don't sink as low, and I'm able to pull myself up quicker. I hope that your reluctance to take them is not because it makes you feel like you've given in, you're not strong enough, because I know from your posts that you are. If you decide not to take them. I can tell you that thes feelings are only temporary. You will be ok, I will be ok, we'll do this together one day at a time. I hope that in some way I was able to help, I truly do understand exactly how you feel. Shelley

[Trish77]

I just wanted to thank everybody.  I have things to post to all the richness here and haven't had the spare physical time or mental energy for it.  There is SO much good here that I've copied and pasted this whole thread and I'll keep it.  We talk about support systems.  It seems obvious that that needs to extend to post treatment as well, just looking at the experiences of others posted here.  I can relate totally to much of what's been said and it's rough to know that so many of us went through this post treatment also.  Treatment isn't just the length of time we're on the drugs, there is the recovery period after it and dealing with how it has changed your life.  It's a big subject.

I have been reading all the posts and pulling strength from it that I hope to give back to others soon enough.  My daughter was here on the weekend while I was working and stocked me up with better groceries than I would have bought for myself and just spending time with her and talking to my son on Sunday night....just starting to feel cracks in the "blues" and seeing tiny glimmers of hope again and reaching out for each one of them and feeling myself coming around and I hope this continues.  

More to say.  That's it for now, back to work again.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart .. thank you for helping me start to break through the dark blue and see the sky again.

Trish

[sunshine585]

I was watching for your post. I'm gladthe glimmers of hope are startingto come back.
        Thinking of you S

[R Glass]

I went through the same thing after tx.
For me it was like I was 3 People.
The first person was me before tx. I was a very strong and  “happy go lucky” type of person.
The second person came after starting tx. It was like the strong and  “happy go lucky” part of me died and left me to be what I considered a weakling.
The 3rd person came after tx. I was confused because I didn’t know who this man was in the mirror. I knew that I was not the strong man nor was I the weak man but who in the hell am I and is this the way it is going to be for the rest of my life.
Over time it all started to pull together. I am the strong man I was before tx.. I just don’t do some of the things I used to do. For an example, one of the things is closing down the Bar Rooms. It is not because I can’t, it is because I don’t want to. There is a big difference.
I hope this helped in some way. If not just disregard it. R. Glass

[Texas714]

I can relate.  While I was on treatment I had a plan!  I was on a mission.  When it didn't work, I was lost.  I felt like it was all for nothing.  I was bummed out and really held no hope.  I was crushed.  
Now I've decided to heal up a bit and maybe give it another go in the future if I am able.  I know I'm running out of time.  With that in mind I have been doing the things I enjoy and spending more time with my family.  
I don't want to be depressed.  I don't want meds either.  If esld is what is in store for me, then so be it.  I can decide how I want to live.
I hope you feel better soon!

[TeeVee36]

I finished tx in May of this year and was on AD's in July becuause of the EOT blues/syndrome/depression.  I too like you didn't take AD's while on tx or before tx but am on them now.  I did pretty good while on tx but it was right at the very end, last couple of wks I noticed the change.  I was like a basketcase and even remembering posting that I was falling apart at the end of my tx.  I never even missed a day of work until the very end of tx.  I can really relate to you...

I have been taking AD's (Paxil) for 4 mos now and I refer to them as my 'happy pills'.  All I can say is they worked and I am greatful for them.  

I hope you start to feel better soon!  Take it slow it takes time.

TV (Trish V....)

[Trish77]

"I knew that I was not the strong man nor was I the weak man but who in the hell am I and is this the way it is going to be for the rest of my life.
Over time it all started to pull together."

I guess that's how I feel only as it pertains to me.  I accomplished a great deal personally while on treatment.  I learned a considerable amount about my life, myself and others around me and achieved some significant personal breakthroughs in my life.  This depression is therefore completely irrational to me .. to go from a strong person before treatment, a stronger, happier person during treatment to then wondering who the hell am I and questioning everything I've ever been and done after treatment and not sure of much right now.   I've had a good couple of days where I thought it was lifting and down it comes again.  

I'm exhausted, really.  I've read really good advice to take a break and I'm not in a position to do that.  I have commitments I've made to my kids and to others and to get through the course I'm taking that I can't just walk away from so I'll have to wait on the break for a bit until I can wrap some of those things up a bit.  Haven't ruled out AD's because I need to keep up with my job and life until I can get a break.  

I'm glad to know it gets better.  While it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like this in one way, I wish I was in another way because I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I'm more than a little surprised and a little saddened to read that it hits so hard, so often and to so many.  Another unforeseen "side" of treatment, it seems.  

The support I've had from all of you means so much to me.  I hope I'm giving back soon enough.  I'll keep working through it.

Trish

[sldb]

I had the same thing happen after tx.  no depression during tx. but I felt like i was living a horrible nightmare post tx.  Trish, it lasted about a year, i foolishly refused AD's.  The best advice i can give is to try antidepressants, its got to be better than living for a year miserable.

[R Glass]

   I don’t understand why more Doctors don’t include Post tx in their treatment. It seemed like mine would do anything they could to get me through tx,
After tx, it was congratulations and we will see you in 3 months.
I am fortunate to have a great GP that stepped in and is making the transition as easy as possible. One day I will get off the Elivil and Xanax but, until I have 100% recovered, I am not entertaining the thought. It has been about 6 months now and I would say I am about 80%.
For some people the road to recovery can be a long one. Try not to put unfair expectations on yourself. It won’t be long and you will start to see improvement. It is your decision about the Ads but they saved me. Also remember that Ads take awhile before they start working. When I start to feel myself going into panic or depression mode, I break a xanax in half. If things don’t start to get better after about 20 minutes, I’ll take the other halve

[TeeVee36]

I totally agree with you R Glass; there should be a post tx tx.  I remember my last appt and they said "see you in 6 mos." and it was very strange.  I walked out like a puppy with the tail between the legs.  Then I literally went into the depression and anxiety attacks and emailed my Hep dx asking "what am I supposed to do?"  He told me to make an appt and come and see him.  I had ran out of my Xanax and so he gave me 1 mos. script for Xanax and referred me to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist prescribed the Paxil (miracle drug in my book) and continues to give me Xanax.  The Paxil is so good I really don't need the Xanax.  I used to carry Xanax in my purse and take a half in the am and the other half in the pm.  Now the Xanax is at home in my dresser drawer because Paxil covers anxiety as well.  I only take the Xanax at night and quite frankly I feel like I am simply using it now to get high and pass out at night.  I will start to ween myself off of the Xanax.  

Trish/ Paxil covers a wide range of symptoms including PMS, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, and PTSD.

Hoping you feel better soon, the holidays are stressful enough and I know about commitments to our children.  I tx'ed my daughters senior year and put on a brave front face through it all to keep her happy.  I look back and wonder how the hell I did it sometimes...but I did!

TV

[Trish77]

I'm sorry to keep bumping this up ... it takes me awhile to get to posting and I want to respond here.

RGlass, sldb .. thank you for sharing those experiences.  In fact, thank you to everyone for having the courage and forthrightness to share.  I have been here over a year and I haven't heard anyone talk about depression after treatment to this degree and I didn't expect this.  I have been surprised to know the number of people here who experience this and I'm glad the dialogue has happened.  I would prefer that people are aware that this can happen when they're done treatment as well as during treatment.

I started the AD's last Thursday morning.  I was cautiously optimistic I was going to pull out of it and down I went a couple times more.  My daughter deserves a better mom than the stranger she had to put up with last weekend.  I have too many responsibilities which is of my own making as I do tend to go at life full tilt.  I either let them go or I keep up and it will be worse for me if I can't keep up.  I don't have time nor money for a vacation, that's not a complaint, it's my current reality so taking a break is not an option I can take right now so I have to tackle this in different ways. I choose this way of life right now because I have kids I deeply love and they get one shot in life and it's me.  Anyway.  I need to be at full strength as much as I can and I'll use the AD's now to help me stay on track as much as I can until I can pull through this and get to the other side.  

So I'll fight a different kind of battle now to finish getting through treatment persay..only to get through post treatment and I'll win this one too..just a little battered right now.

Can't begin to thank you all enough for your sharing and support.  I think it will help others who go through the same thing to know they are not alone.  It has helped me.


Love you all and rooting for all of us, wherever we are in this journey we share.

Trish

[kickboxingmom]

I'm happy you made the decision to help yourself.One thing for sure is Our kids will keep us going and on track.You sound like a good mom and soon all this **** will be behind you.Someday when your old and sitting in a rocker, thinking I made all the best decisions I could and don't have any regrets.That's my goal, anyways.Hope ALL keeps going well or continues to get better for you and yours.
God Bless,
Tammy

[Frank J. Perrotta]

Hi Trish. I "cured" a couple years ago and have suffered more than anyone ever expected. I was on ADs during treatment as I suddenly became suicidal. It was horrible and my Psych was a monster. Was so happy to find a great Psych and after treatment got off those pills asap and swore I would never go on them again...

Well, about a year ago with my health still declining after "curing" I decided to at least go on anti-anxiety meds which helped greatly...

Another year later with more health issues popping up it was finally decided that I should be on ADs as I had attempted to take my life.

Just hate being on them and dont believe they are helping much... My depression is not chemical but situational and everyone agrees that the situation aint gonna get any better.

I hope that you are having better luck with your ADs and your life gets back on track.

Best to all

[moahunter]

I feel I have changed since treatment. Luckily for me, not really depressed I think, just changed. Sometimes I feel a bit detached from reality. Things that horrified me, don't really - as if I am a bit more open to the inevitability of death. I feel strong, and love the time I spend with my kids, but I think about stuff I never used to, and wonder now at how fast time is going by. Maybe that's just a normal part of getting old anyway - maybe that's all that's happened? Perhaps going through treatment has aged me mentally quite a lot as weird as that sounds?

[Lady Lauri]

Trish, it's REALLY late so hope my words come thru ok, but I just want to say that in all your comments on commitments, etc. I hope that you'll also see that in all this-tx and post tx- you have to put yourself first at times, and I know not easy for a mother and I also struggled with that. But your children, family, hopefully work,  will understand and be supportive in this if you tell them what your struggling with. I know my kids did, while not fully understanding what it was like, fully wanting mom to get past the moods, reclusiveness of it all and so on. The 'sickness' in this is one thing, the mental part can rule the whole show. While I am sure you'll get past this, as Rglass, myself, others...I also know I had to shut out the world (to a point of course) to get thru it. I missed many things for a few mths, and broke down, cried to a few and then they understood more. Keeping it in, just being different worried them more than when I let it all out finally. Just 'getting thru' right now, trying to keep up with it all, could make you worse in the long run to be there for them, and to be yourself again.
I hope the AD's do the job, help for now. I can't believe how fast it left me (the worst of it) when it felt like I was hanging by a thread, seeping into the darkness. I really hope the 'light' comes thru for you soon also.

Rglass,,,,well said! I too just do NOT understand this 'ok, your done now, see you in 3 mths' way of tx. It's like they put you on a roller coaster and then take the brakes away and let go! Land where you will, up or down! That needs to change!

LL

[merryBe]

sorry I don't get to the social side much, but sorry to hear of your trouble,

or heck, just take the meds honey...there are hurdles during and after tx...

it's better to admit it and get some help than to try to tough it out and be chronically miserable.

thats my 2 cents.

have a wonderful, happy turkey or tofu day, and an extra piece of pie....and then let your doc RX you..
(cause we all know what too much pie for the blues will do)  ; )))))

feel better soon

mb

[meki]

Trish - just wanted to say --- hugs... OK?

It does seem to get better about 4 months --- At least that was what I did.

about 4 months after TX --- I kind of found some sunlight internally --- and started waking  up.

It was slow - for  sure... But it finally happened.

I wouldn't call it depression - per se... More like a LET DOWN....And I didn't know why I was let down...

But then --- who knows maybe I expected a miracle - and instead I felt worse than before TX --- ended up with more pain than I knew what to do with ---- And I'll never know if it was the TX --- or if I was heading down that path anyway ---- or if it was the HCV.... Or what.... And sometimes --- NOT knowing is the hardest for me.

Anyhow --- Love ya... Hope you find your happy spot --- whatever it is --- Whether it is a PLAN for the future --- or action --- or just belief --- change of thinking --- or something....  I hope you find it.

Hugs --- Lots and lots of them.

Meki

[Mikkimoe]

Wow - great thread - I'm totally living it - have been so depressed and out of it - can't think - don't even care to - sad - stupid - listless - fatigued - achy- pissy - unhappy - down right miserable for no reason at all....all the total opposite of who I have always been. (the happy energizer bunny who glowed constanty)

***** big time - I've tried everything - Consorta for energy - Lyrica for the aches - Darvacette for the pain -Lorazipam and Soma to sleep (doen't work most times) and xanax when the time seems right even champagne (which use to always work)- none seem to be able to pull me out of this duldrum.
After reading this thread I found my Zoloft that I only took a few weeks during tx and started taking them again - also had a big white chocolate truffle - may just cure me. It's been almost 5 months post tx and I only txed 13 weeks - so yea guess I have that fear factor that it may rear it damn ugly head again....but to tell you the truth I felt better before I tx. I know....  be patient...but ya know that's a word that has never been in my dictionary and I'd really like to get "me" back.

I took a hormon test last week - looks like I may have been hurled into menapause on top of everything else (was fine when they checked last year but I hear this tx has a nasty tendancy to hasten that out come).

At least I'm not feeling like I'm stuck in a muddy lagoon by myself - sounds like alot of you are sharing my pain - gee just 6 more months and good as new huh?

Maybe we should post a link that asks if anyone felt much better following tx then they did pre tx...i'm sure it out there somewhere....so sorry to ramble but am so sick of being miserable as well - even my horse is getting pissy...they really reflect us.

I promise to be better next time - but I do agree there needs to be proactive post tx proceedures for us delicate ones...or at least periodic parties where we can get together in our jammies with no makeup in a dark lonley place and wine together.

Hey - anyone use Zoloft? - should I try for the paxil?

Hugs,

Mikkimoe

[Deb_c430]

Trish what you have been through is hard to deal with,   The first two rimes I thought, and felt the same,   I was like a zombie,  I just went blank.

Hard words to hear,  All I know is this Trish, you will find your way,  you are my warrior, with courage beyond.   I  use effexor,  for me.  

Have courage dear friend,   find what gets you through this, because you will    get through it.  

Mikki for real wine? or can we whine? and wine!

XOXO

Deb

[dointime]

Peginterferon-induced depression is reversible
www.reuters.com

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Depression related to peginterferon therapy for chronic hepatitis C increases with duration of use, but reverses following treatment cessation, according to members of the Hepatitis C Antiviral Long-term Treatment against Cirrhosis trial.

After 48 weeks of therapy, 42 percent of the patients developed depression. Pre-existing depression and potential biomarkers of depression, such as blood levels of cortisol and the neurotransmitter serotonin, were associated with neurological or psychiatric side effects, the group reports in the American Journal of Gastroenterology.

"Depression is a common and dose-limiting side effect of antiviral treatment in hepatitis C patients," Dr. Robert J. Fontana, at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, and co-authors note. Their goal in the current analysis was to elucidate the incidence, risk factors, and biological basis for this condition.

Included were 201 patients with chronic hepatitis C and advanced fibrosis who previously didn't response to treatment. The patients were treated with peginterferon alfa-2a and ribavirin for 24 weeks. The 74 patients who had undetectable hepatitis C virus (HCV) RNA at week 20 continued at the same doses to complete 48 weeks of antiviral treatment.

The cumulative incidence of peginterferon-induced depression was 23 percent at week 24, with the absence of a virological response at week 20 the only identified independent predictor.

According to the authors, this finding may be due, at least in part, to "the expected negative impact that the knowledge of persistent viremia could have on a patient's mood."

Among the 74 responders, the incidence of treatment-related depression was 9 percent at week 24, increasing to 42 percent by week 48. By week 72, however, mean scores on the Beck Depression Inventory-II "returned to pretreatment baseline levels...demonstrating the reversibility of interferon-induced depression."

Pre-existing depression was not associated with an increased risk of therapy-induced depression, the authors note. Morning plasma cortisol levels remained stable over time, indicating that alterations in the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis were not responsible for the changes in mood.

Even though normalized serotonin levels did decline significantly during therapy, these changes did not track with the development of peginterferon-induced depression. Nevertheless, Fontana's team concludes, additional studies of the pathways of serotonin are "warranted to identify the mediators of interferon-induced depression."

SOURCE: American Journal of Gastroenterology, November 2008.

[Deb_c430]

good info dointime

[nygirl7]

Hello baby I hope this finds those ADs almost ready to start really kicking in and you are feeling better.

You've dealt with so much that even if it wasn't just a chemical imbalance from the meds it would be a miracle that you didn't feel some depression.  I did find that they helped me a LOT and often times now think I should go back on them again.  I think of you often, in fact a woman was telling me a story about her life the other day and I swear to God for a little while I thought she was talking about you (she was talking about your sister) to the point I said "your sisters husband didn't own any guns did he?" she looked at me like I was nuts - I mean really but then I told her about you and she couldn't even believe how similar the situation was.  And I had never heard of it all before in my life before you!

so I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are constantly popping into my mind (whenever I see her here at work now) and I am wishing you all of the best for EVERYTHHING.

Drop me a PM when you can. I don't want to bother you - I know what it's like when you just aren't up to posting and you see something and just dont want to respond.....so I'll leave it to you.  You know where you can find me and I hope that you do.

You ARE in my thoughts and prayers,
Debby

[epiphiny]

Great info, thanks.  Hope you don't mind but I'm going to put in my journal for easy reference in the future... Cheers!

[Trish77]

This seems to have become everyone's thread and not my own anymore.  So many shared experiences it almost breaks my heart to know this other side of tx that everyone goes through.  Frank, Mikki ... I hope things get better and at the least that you keep finding the grace to get by.  I wish this would all go away for both of you.  Thank you for writing in spite of what you're both dealing with, hugs to you both.

LL, Meki, MerryBe ... thanks so much for offering words of encouragement, always the light that people reach for in any darkness.  Thanks for being there for me and so many others.

Deb...I knew you'd understand.  Thanks for being there with me.

nygirl / Deb ... sigh.  Your words were like a big warm gentle hug and I just soaked them in. I am taking it day by day.  Love you, Deb.

Trin ... thanks for your love and encouragement and friendship.  It means so very much to me.

dointime...incredible information.  Thanks for posting that for everyone.  Very good insight and I hope that people keep studying this.  

For everyone ... regardless of where you are in your journey with tx .. keep hanging in there together in whatever way you can.  Always someone who can step up when someone else is down in whatever way, whether it's physical, emotional or mental .. we just need to keep on keeping on.  Love to everyone, continuing to root for everyone to get through all this successfully, whatever that means to each of you.

Trish

[fretboard]

I hope things turn around for you soon.  Right after I started tx I could feel my chemical imbalance, because I was getting so angry.  I was getting a bit snippy with ppl at work and that's really not me.  I started on Celexa and I know that it's helped me.  It's nothing drastic, but it helps and I was starting to wonder how I would make it thru tx.  I had never been on AD's before, but I definitely feel better and I'm not having any wild dreams or anything.  Anyways, good luck to you and God Bless...