How Many of You --- After TREATMENT --- Got Divorced or Separated from Significant Other?

[meki]

I'm wondering if TX changes the way you think on a primitive level --- or if the HCV does ---- OR even --- the clearance of HCV.

When you are married to someone - and you change so profoundly as a person, it is bound to cause disruption in your life as a marriage.

How many of you are or have been affected like this?

The reason I am asking --- is because I asked my husband for a divorce last week. We are friends, and always will be family. But I have changed so very much, and he has been angry at me - illogically, for being sick for so long. There are many things between us that are irrevocably lost.

I understand that the TX and the disease itself takes a toll on people. I have experienced it first hand.

I also understand that it is very hard on the family of the person who is treating. I don't blame him for his anger and frustrations at my not being able to perform as strongly as I did prior to getting sick.

I also know that he went through everything with me... But just cannot possibly understand the changes I have been through.

I know that getting HCV and slowly getting sicker every single day was a drain on us --- and the treatment compounded that drain.

And now that I am starting to feel alive again - for the first time in a very long time - I know that he feels like he was somehow cheated - because I am getting better daily and it shows.

I'm losing weight - I'm more active - I want to go do things, whereas, he is comfortable with sitting in front of the television drinking.

And one of the hardest things for me to accept is alcoholism.

I just killed a disease that destroyed or partially killed my liver.

I'm NOT against drinking every once in awhile - but to drink every single day - when I fought so hard to heal my liver... it just goes completely against what I believe - what I feel.

And he doesn't want to stop drinking. He doesn't understand what his consumption of alcohol makes me feel or think.

My husband is a wonderful, kind, gentle, beautiful man. But he is only human. And in his human nature, he and I have changed so very much in the last 2 years, since the diagnosis - that we can no longer remember what it was that brought us together in the first place.

I know that I tried - but I failed miserably at being the perfect wife for him - and I simply cannot make him suffer through being married to me, when it is me who has changed so much - that my views on life - and health are significantly different now... And we are no longer compatible on the marriage level.

He is - however, the only family I have.

So it is tearing me up inside that I have made this decision.

My only consolation is that we are friends - best friends - and we ALWAYS will be. I know in my heart that we will always be there for each other. We just can't find a common ground to survive the marriage with.

I just wanted to know --- has anyone else gone through this situation?

Is it because I've changed - because of the TX and the disease? Or is this just a normal part of life?

Just FYI - everything WILL be OK... It's a little sad right now --- I'm sorry I can't make life perfect for the one person that I've loved - and he can't make it perfect for me either. We will ALWAYS be friends... And this whole thing is VERY amicable. Our main concern is our daughter... I am buying a condo that is only a few blocks away from our current house so that she can walk between the 2 households - and I suspect that I will be over here almost as though I lived here still. However, I'm still so very sad about this... accepting it --- and all the things that caused it --- but still very sad.

Have any of you entertained the thought of divorce - or separation --- AFTER TX?

I appreciate you guys here on this board. We're all connected because of this virus. So thank you for listening... And thank you for helping me through some of the toughest times in my life.

Meki

[Marcia2202]

Wow, Meki. I had NO idea that you are also going through this. I'm so very, very sorry. I can imagine how you feel, as I've gone through divorce. Though the circumstances were completely different, so I cannot comment on your question regarding tx and divorce.

I send you a lot of love and hugs and pray that this phase in your life will go as smoothly as at all possible. It is a difficult time to go through and I wanted to let you know that I will try to be there for you as much as I can.

Love, Marcia

[charm27]

Meki
Sorry to hear all this turmoil in your life. I was divorced MANY years ago.

But I can tell  you this I am txing now and am completely alone, no family, children or relatives left . If I did have a significant other I can tell you it would be over now tx does change a person to a certain extent and I would have never made this under one roof with another.
Good, bad, or indifferent thats how I feel.
I wish you peace and lots of love.
Things will work out.

[rita863]

Meki,

I am sorry you are going through this.  My husband does try to understand what I am going through while tx but you and i know, unless you have gone down this road you dont know how i feel....  

My priorities in life are changing, i can see that now.  We are selling the house because "Why do i need mtg for 2800.00 month just "Keep up with the Jones" as they say.  Why does he need a brand new harley, and 42 ft boat?

I think you go through thing while treating, (i'll let ya know if were still together by nov) but i think differently now.  I want see things that i never saw.  i'd be happy in condo near some kind of beach.. i want to have friends over that i dont see now cause i am so dang tired.

he also doesnt get how connected i feel to the people here...  Like Elaine and Nick,  i have cried on and off all day for her...why, just because i am a mother too... and she was one of the first people to tell me you can do this....

The spouses dont understand that we dont want to be who we were....

Whatever is in store for you, you can handle it.....

I here for ya!

peace
rita

[Isobella]

Gosh, you have been on my mind so much because you have not been around much lately....I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  

As I stare down the barrel of tx, the same thoughts run thru my brain.  Just the diagnosis changes so much, I can imagine that tx does it tenfold or more.  I love my husband, I just know how hard this will be on him.  That is one of my main motivations for wanting to get into a trial, to ease (at least) the financial burden of all this.

That's my long winded way of saying that you are surely not alone in this.  The changes we go through are profound, it is not surprising that relationships change as a result.  

Like Rita says above, it is hard sometimes for them to understand even the connection we have for each other.  I thought my hubby would freak over the FL lunch,but he handled it gracefully.  But I knew it was hard for him to understand. I am grateful that he did well with that---but he doesn't realize the long road ahead.   Not just spouses, but some friends as well.

We will never be who we were again.  I, for one, like this me better.  So far most others do too---but I am sure that will change. :-)

You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother.  I have no doubt that you will not just survive this new chapter, but thrive.  

I am going to pray/send positive thoughts-however I can -for you to have peace of mind through this tough time.  This is tough, but you are tougher!  

All the best,

Izzy

[meki]

I like ME better too.

That's what so sad --- that he doesn't like ME  - the new, alive me... The thoughtful - more willing to be HONEST Me...  I mean the kind me that I doesn't hold back anymore with what I want to say... So ----  If I FEEL something,  I say it now. I mean --- anything... and right the heck now... While it's there -- in my mind.

TX taught me - if you don't say what you're thinking - you won't remember it. And what if it is important? Do you know how many times I forgot something that was so very important to someone else??? At work - I had to write EVERYTHING down - or I would never have remembered it.

So I've learned to say whatever is there "RIGHT NOW" ---- which the hubby says means that I don't think before I speak... and hence will always have foot and mouth syndrome.

For example:

I say I love you --- a million times a day - because I've realized life is very short and it really felt like Death was nipping on my heels for 2 years.... No matter what reality says --- that I had a long way to go or that I would be fine... No matter what the doctors said --- or how I was supposed to feel ---  I truly felt death there... right around the corner --- lurking... with his hands holding that long scythe and the hood darkening the shadows around his face. I felt it watching me... with curious and inquisitive eyes.

So I think I became more of the "REAL" Me... instead of the "fake" me (which is really me --- but toned down a bit -- a bit more politically correct than I am now... More appreciative of the little things --- instead of discarding things - I see the beauty and usage in them.

And I talk a lot - and my heart is worn on my sleeve instead of hidden away --- only to be taken out as necessary --- now -- it's right there --- you can see it pumping from a mile away.

So I tell people that I love them A LOT.

I say it to everyone - my friends, my family -- yanno?

The New me feels alive - a bit more hyper than I was - but I feel YOUNG INSIDE... Oh goodness - my body feels a million years old. My mind --- about 21.

Prior to Treatment - my mind was scattered, always exhuasted and very dark inside... With the New Me  ---  my mind - the central essence of who I am came alive for the first time in a very long time.

And I felt like a dark cloud had already passed over - leaving the shadow to creep past me and then drift just a little to the left... So that I could see that the last years of feeling "blah", "tired", "achey (achy)" --- down, uncomfortable in my own skin... sad, in pain, confusion and grief --- well with the cloud just a little ways off I could still see those things and momentarily touch them here and there --- but I could see that my future was going to be much different..

My mental status - while not more alert - certainly is different than what it was prior to TX.

I think I'm still the same me --- but I see things differently now...

It's like the difference between seeing Los Angeles out in the distance shimmering through the heat - hazy... kind of blurry - but still a city. And then seeing New York in the middle of winter....  Crystalline, mobbed with people, Macy's packed and people walking in fashion. It's a City too --- but they are two different kinds of cities.

So --- I'm still "ME" --- but I've changed.

And he's angry that I've changed.

He's angry that I couldn't help him with the house --- but I could surf the internet.
He's angry that I wasted his time... He could have been doing something different... I dunno --- but now all he wants to do is to sit on his hind end waiting for someone to massage him --- to get him dinner --- and/or to get him a beer --- watching sports of some sort.

And the more I would say that I didn't like him drinking beer - the more beer he would pick up.

We don't fight --- never have, never will... But in that gesture --- that he has --- of looking at me while opening the fridge door to pull out another beer --- as if daring me to jump all over him...  Like saying "go ahead - say something you witch"... that look that mean get when their bottom lip pushes out just a tiny fraction and the mule's hind end sits on the ground and refuses to move?

Well that's the hubby about beer.

And I tried to explain that I just spent the whole last group of year/years.. trying so very hard to heal my liver --- and here he is drinking something that could damage i for him --- yanno?

Anyhow thank you all for your comments -- and Izzy - thanks for saying that..

You're right --- I DO ---- really do --- like the new me.

I've got some tweaking and adjusting to do to get the final product...

LOL!

Hugs,

Meki

[kimmypoo2]

this disease has changed my life.....im such a positive way...i may sound crazy....
rita im with you ...i dont need this 3000sft home   ...extra cars ...i want to get back to basics ...when i needed was me and my lil ones to be happy....i know after this i know things arent worth $hit it how yoi live your live and the contributions to others im gonna open an hcv awareness /support for the rural area that i live in...and im going to follow my dream of becaming a nurse.....im gonna follow dreams not bling ..im gonna stay healthy and happy

[orphanedhawk]

Although this isn't my situation, I can easily see how this could happen.

My tx was very hard on my husband. In fact I don't think he could handle my doing it again. The worst thing was the stuff that would emerge from me, and we would both look shocked. Did I really say that?

However, I wonder if your stopping drinking is more of a division than the HCV? I've seen it happen before, one person cleans up and the other doesn't~it can sure be a wedge.

Wishing you only the best.                OH

[rita863]

Kimmy i love that you have that passion to help others..i think it is great! and you will be a great Nurse you go for it girl!

Meki I am sorry you are going through...but you i know that sometimes, in life, we are dealt changes (they we think we are not ready for ) but we are.  And we handle them with the strength that got us here.

I think he resents you more then he doesnt like you.  You have changed and you are no longer the person he wants you to be.  Thats what he doesnt like.  He wants you the same ole MEki not the fun loving feeling like she's 21 and wanna have fun Meki.

And yes i think they all (i am generalizing here)  resent us treating because they had to out up with us sick, or loss of wages or what ever tx took us trhough. for me it still taking me through.  So he may think he wasted his time while you treated.  All in all, you will get to through this.. you are The New Meki...and though divoorce is difficult.  It can be done amicabley.  (i forgot how to spell).
Good luck to you in future... You will come out the other side SHINING!!!!


peace
my friend

[meki]

""""However, I wonder if your stopping drinking is more of a division than the HCV? I've seen it happen before, one person cleans up and the other doesn't~it can sure be a wedge. """"

I never have really drank a lot in my life. Hubby always drank a little beer ---  he only drinks a 6 pack a night... But he drinks it EVERY night.

When I first met him - we lived in what is called a "DRY" community - where alcohol was not allowed to be shipped in or imported.

Barrow goes back and forth from being damp to dry... But he didn't drink because it was illegal.

But ---- once we moved to Kodiak - he started with ONE beer a day --- and moved to 6 in a year.

Me - I only drink when we go out --- or if we're at a special function or something. I usually am the designated driver --- cause I'll drink only water or coffee or soda at the clubs...

I like one margarita or one pina colada --- and if I'm feeling frisky I might have one or two other types of sweet foo foo drinks...

I like a good champagne tho...

I just never really liked alcohol all that much. LOL! Sorry - but it just has always made me feel "icky" the next day --- and I don't like to feel icky.

[medicmommy]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))))))))))))))) Yes. Facing down death changes a person...It gives you the precious lesson that so few realize in life if they haven't been through a "life changing" event...And gives you a "rebirth" of sorts...it harshly reminds you (with a 2X4 between the eyes!) that life is short and it's the people you love and connect with that make it meaningful, not the material things that attach themselves to it...It makes you realize how much you had taken for granted before (like your health and family!), and how quickly that can change...It also changes your perspectives...You ARE different now, and what you shared in common with your husband, may be different now as well...This happens often even without a chronic illness  playing a part...Being the spouse of an ill person isn't easy...They too need to have a part of their life that is their own, somewhere that they can get outside of the the "illness drama" circle a bit for a breather...Most do this constructively by having a hobby, activity, or a good friend they can vent to...If they don't, they begin to feel "trapped" and resentful that everything revolves around the other...(I've had to remind my hubby, that this IS temporary, and soon, things will change for the better...And we've been able to voice our building frustrations with each other...So far, so good..-I think..) When I finally learned that I'm not responsible for my hubby's happiness or actions (that's his job) our relationship changed for the better...
This may not be the same for you...But it may focus things a bit...You may fear you're being selfish by making a stand...Don't. You have the rest of your life to live...If he chooses to be a part of it, that's wonderful...If not, you may have to go on without him..Take care my friend, and concentrate on getting well...You are an amazing person, and once again, your tenacious inner strength blooms...((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))))                                        ~Melinda

[Bill1954]

Aw, Meki; I’m so sorry to hear this. I actually have a lot of thoughts on this subject, but not enough time right now to address this properly. I’d like to talk about it with you though; if I don’t get back, make sure to PM me so we can talk, OK? This post really caught me off guard; I’ve come to adore you. Makes me sad, you know :o(.

We’ll talk soon—

Bill

[Odin999]

Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time.

Contrary to what one might say in a situation like this, I am positive and hopeful for you. What you say about the personal changes you have undergone is so healthy and constructive.

Best wishes Meki.

[jdwithhcv]

Oh, Meki, my heart goes out to you.  Divorce is so sad and hard and downright terrifying even when it is the only thing you can do.  This must be tearing you apart.  

I see what you are saying – treatment changes us in a fundamental way.   The old life is beyond our reach.  We can’t go back even if we would.  The way forward is not yet certain, but we have to keep going, even without a clear path.  We can only hope that we’re doing the right thing.

It will be ok.  Don’t let the uncertainty paralyze you.  You will find your way.  

jd

[alagirl]

oh meki, meki... I am so sorry.  You have been a source of such compassion and strength here for so many for such a long time.  It seems so unfair that you shouldn't be receiving the same in your real world life.

I personally haven't had a significant other since tx started and couldn't have even begun to meet someone else's needs.  That said, it is pretty selfish of the sifnificant other in anyone's life not to stick with them through the "in sickness and in health" portion of the wedding vows.  Isn't this the type of situation that's for?

And when that doesn't happen I guess you have to ask yourself if that person is really the love of your life you thought they were if they can't support you that way.  I don't know Meki, I also am not the best person to ask about this, having kind of a low threshhold for annoyance and dissappointment in the relationship area, and... a distinct inability to share the tv flipper. ;)

[alagirl]

sifnificant = code for significant (sife effect of tx, I cannot spell)  ;)

[orphanedhawk]

I've heard that drinking is a real problem in Alaska, as if it isn't other places!

I do think that tx does cause changes in us. I'm still waiting for my vivid wonderfully odd dreams to return. I wake in the morning and know I've dreamt but not with the clear imagery I used to have. But maybe those days are over.
hugs,              OH

[justme53]

Sorry to read about you and your hubs...so many mixed emotions, aren't there?

I left my marriage after 26 years. I could blame it on his drinking, I suppose, but in my case, it was only one symptom of a long deteriorating relationship. But it certainly provided the impetus to move on. When I suggested once again about treatment or counseling, I was told that as long as I provided him with the basic necessities (ie, beer, cigs, food cuz he was disabled) I could do whatever I wanted as long as I just left him alone to be "content". That really hurt and I realized I was just enabling him in the doing. It was time for me to move on as the marriage was over in my mind. Still didn't make it easy by any means.

HCV, tx or not, changes us in many ways. I think I was afraid to be alone with the possibility of tx looming. I am much stronger now and have more a "can-do" approach now than I ever did before.

It's good if you can stay friends as you say. My ex and I live only a coupla blocks apart, and though we're on friendly terms, I can't say we're friends...we haven't been there for a long long time. But it's been better for both of us in the long run.

[moahunter]

Sorry to hear your news, but then on the other hand, happy to hear you are moving onto new things. There will be a period of grief though - talking and just trying to get into a normal life routine were for me the key's in relationships I have had go sour in the past. I broke up with a gf a number of years ago, who drank through pregnancy. I have not been a saint in my life with alcohol, but it is a bigger problem than a lot of people realize, and to the extent that you cannot connect with your partner, be it a result of the booze, or just funamentally wanting to move in different directions, I can understand the need to move on, a horrible decision to have to make though.

I felt towards the end of my treatment that perhaps I had destroyed our marriage from some of the things I said at different times. Things that iritate, but in a normal state of mind, I would not say. We have had some quite horendous rows, even after treatment finished, but the last month or two, things seem to be turning around. My energy is back with a vengence (it is amazing how energetic you can feel after treatment - I am really motivated to run / do weights, etc., in a way I was not before treatment). I am spending more time with the kids, and I think that seems to be fixing our marriage as well. Time will tell I guess, but it is a rockier road than I would like. Maybe most marriages are?. Treatment does make you re-evaluate. I think most of us do something we regret during treatment, and by the same token, once we finish it, we feel a certain power, and willingness to do what is right for us. For some people, that will require a change in relationship.

[desrt]

"Our main concern is our daughter."

That one thing will make the years ahead workable, if you both stick to it.
Good luck.

[chiara104]

Hi Meki, I've only just met you on this site, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through trying times. You were one of the first to make me feel welcome on this site, and I appreciate that.

I have not started tx yet, but have been wondering about how it will change me, my outlook, my relationships ... I can only hope that I will come thru tx with flying colours like yourself and so many other courageous folk on this site and elsewhere who are engaged in this ferocious battle for their lives.

A hug,
Chiara  

[Andiamo1]

I am sorry to hear this, but I understand perfectly.  If my wife were not a saint, we would have been divorced long ago.  I was very difficult to be with when I was treating.

I am using a cell phone to get on the net and it is very slow, so I will write you again when I have better access.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, my pal for the long time that I was treating.
Love ya,
Eric

[pitter]

hey Meki,
i am sorry to hear you are going thru this too...I wondered where you were too, and was about to ask you! I also have gone thru that too.  Not for the same reasons...but it is allways a tough thing...I will pray for you too,
lov, Pitter

[working dog]

sick or not sick almost every couple goes tough times in their early 40's.....opposites don't atract as much and we head back to who we were before marriage..this whole hep c thing is an extra drag on everything though....good luck...billy

[scruples]

I am also going through Tx these days and hand first hand experiance. I have also read the comments posted by you and other ppl.

Meki the main thing i have noticed is that Tx made us self ceneterd, somewhat selfish and our power to resisit against irritability is also decreased by much margin. I may be wrong but i have felt that normally we ppl became short tempered, not willing to hear arguments (even though after some time we do realize that the other person was not wrong eneough as in your case too) ,we want other ppl to do as we are thinking or as we suggest for them, we try to drive according to our will,  we loose accomodating ability with a considerable margin and want to extract as many things from the life fopr ourself as we could think of.

These are main reasons which keep us apart from other ppl and we see them as wasting their lives things like that.

I have no experiance of marriage and divorce but as a friend i do recomend you that you should try to give your husband a SECOND CHANCE. Try to see and understand his problems also, look he was with you during your tough times, belive me Meki i have met with the ppl who dont even want to shake hands with us or even dont want to sit and on the same dining table etec etc. They blame us to have this disease due to some unknown/illegal/unethical disgusting sex activity etc etc. But your hubby was with you .......

At that time you cant pace up with him and he may chave changed his life just to accomodate you and now its might be his time ............................

Just share and discuss with him , try to change him (it will take a time but surely will work). Its not a small decision you are going to take so just deffer it for some time and try some alternatives.

Sorry if anythinghurted you.  

[Mikkimoe]

My sweet friend - life does throw us a few blows doesn't it - but i have found never more then we can handle - You are the only one who really knows what your dreams and goals are and you are probably more focused on that now then ever after tx. So it appears he may just be dragging you down the wrong path.

Time is an amazing thing - have you thought of just seperating first to see how things go? Maybe you have already done so - but people do change your right. If he only drank 2 beers a night or none would it be different? Sounds much deeper to me.

After counceling for years I can only tell you that you have to be commited to your relationship and have unconditional love - it took me many years to find my soul mate and am completely blessed that he has literally bent over backwards for me during tx - but yes it is kind of cute now that my energy is stating to return - he keeps saying "She's Back" He liked it better when i totally depended on him (but in his heart he knows I aways will).

I have always been alot like you - the creative/relationship outspoken energy type, Mark is a relationship/Logic type so we share one balance - so it can work - some people are drawn to their total opposites because it somehow balances them at first but later it takes a toll on them and it ultimately doesn't work. (creative/relationship vs logic/grounded for example) I actually recommend assesments before getting involved now.

So it may have been meant to be....I know i drank wine every night (not excessive) but it always dulled my RA pain and let me ride etc. Mark is not a drinker and he was always fine with my drinking. He likes it better now that i don't...but knows I may again and that's OK. But he is an angel - I wish i could clone him for everyone. I know I'll have rocky roads ahead but i also know that our love is unconditional and it will overcome all the rocks in the road - because we are intertwined in each others dreams and goals...

Live - Love - Laugh - Learn and Leave a Legacy.....reminds me of you...you'll be fine!

Mikkimoe

[Trish77]

Maybe, just maybe, his six beers a night, whether it's the right vehicle or not....are him saying "well something has to be about me" because maybe through the tx and your lovely metamorphosis after tx and all the positive euphoric changes you're going through...it's still about you.  And maybe when you tell him not to have that beer, it's still about you.  And maybe, he's thinking....sorry.  Not this time.  And maybe he's choosing the wrong way to make it about him.  But maybe...that's what he's doing.  Maybe, Meki, after going through all you've both gone through.... you have to find a way to make it about both of you again ... with all the changes you've gone through... and figuring out what changes HE has gone through as a result of all this.  I do think our caregivers are the forgotten ones in all this and they go through changes and challenges too that are very much different than ours.  They DON'T understand what we're going through... but can we really say we understand what THEY are going through?  And the changes that have occurred to them as a result of the demands placed on them and the losses they incur while standing by us while we go through tx?

There might be more room here for another look at this, Meki.  Only you know that.  Just wanted to toss that out to you.  Perhaps there's a way to negotiate this further based on the new parameters.  And maybe...he just needs to be allowed to have his own feelings and impact respected and taken into account as you do yours.

In the end, only YOU know when this is totally done.  And in the event you reach that place or have already reached that place, I wish you very well with navigating the very emotionally difficult waters of divorce.  

Good luck, Meki.

Trish

[geterdone]

Thank You!

jasper

[meki]

Oh Mikki!! Your post made me cry.

I love my hubby - lord knows that I do. We just don't have anything to talk about any more. And the resentments from things that he has done - and some things that I have done in our past and present stop us from building a closer relationship.

And I need that closeness - especially now, more than ever.

I wish I could rewind time and fix everything for both of us, because he is a very good man and one time we were supremely happy.

But neither one of us can find that happiness with each other.

I have said ultimately - that there is a chance for us in the future, should we try again. I'm open to that, and I believe he is too.

But for now - we're both satisfied with doing this. It's sad and it really hurts - yet, neither of us is able to make that spark happen for the other, no matter how badly we want to.

It's like... I dunno... Like I need to go outside and play, in the rain, sun or snow. I have to be doing something --- out there... And he... he has to be inside - on the couch - watching television with his beer.

And neither one of us wants to do what the other one wants.

Our dreams changed in the last 2 years. Somehow he became more introspective and quiet, while I became more extroverted and talkative. I want to live every moment and enjoy it - and he wants to kick back and let the world pass him by.

And it's so opposite of what we used to be that it's a glaring discontentment for both of us. And he's not willing to change and I'm not sure that I want to be boxed in - or that I could be --- even if I wanted to try.

I do love him. And that makes it hurt even more.

But our daughter is in total agreement with all of this - she's a little worried about how it will affect her... both of us will try to make sure her life doesn't change very much.

For example: I'll be living very --- VERY --- close (as in less than 4 minutes walking - could shout her name off one porch and hear it on the other). She'll probably stay here at this house --- and on nights that hubby works grave shifts, she'll come stay at my place --- or I'll come here.

We've both said that I'll probably be here just as much.

This IS my family. Both the Hubby and my daughter. They always will be my family.

So I can't see much changing --- just that we need to be apart,

We've been more like roommates for some time now --- and now I'm just going to find another place.

Financially - it will be ok for both of us. I'm not sticking him to the hilt with anything - because he will ALWAYS be there for our daughter --- and ultimately for me if I need anything. And I totally believe that.

He's not sticking me with anything either - so we are trying to be very fair about everything. And I will be there for him - for anything if he needs it.

It's very friendly. Unfortunately --- I almost wish there was a battle - I'd like to see that spark of life in him again.

When the dust settles - we might even go out on a date to see if there is anything there. Who knows? I mean... I'm open to it -- if things have changed down the road.

But right now - right at this moment - I don't see changes happening for either of us - and this is the only other option available. I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to breathe without me there for a little while. And I need to be alone for a little while... to see if life, for me, can be alive again.

I don't think either of us will date for a very long time - it's not THAT kind of divorce. And neither of us wants to go through this again - that doesn't mean it won't happen... It's just that we both do love each other. We just can't live together.

I just wanted to know --- if TX made anyone else change so profoundly - that when they woke up from the fog - they realized they were a completely different person.

And that person is so different from who they used to be - that their partner and they no longer got along?

I'm not a selfish person - nor do I hurt anyone - if I can help it. I'm no saint - but we're both pretty nice people, and we're hurting each other with the silence or the words that we do say.. which isn't either one of us. Or with the holding in of every hurt - until it explodes.

The TX made me say what I feel --- openly and honestly. Instead of holding it in and letting the words and anger build up. The TX made me realize that life is short --- that we need to enjoy the HERE and NOW... TX stopped me from being melancholy about all the things I've never done - and focus on the things I'm going to do. TX made me realize that life is so very important that every moment is precious. TX made me more alive than I've ever been. And I feel like I've left my hubby in the dust... But I've been looking back - trying to give him a hand to catch up --- but he's refusing to grab hold of it and come along. He wants to do nothing and he wants me to do nothing with him. I can't. I have to keep doing things. I have to live. I have to be open and expressive.

He's resentful that I've gotten better, I think. Before - he HAD to take care of me --- HAD to be the responsible one... HAD to make sure I was ok. Now that I'm at 80% or better than about 3 years before TX --- he doesn't have to take care of me anymore - and he doesn't like that I'm able to do things again.

He resents that I got sick in the first place - because it put him into the "PROVIDER" role. But at the same time - he liked that I needed him so desperately to do everything. Now that I don't need that - he feels like he's not in control of me any longer.

God - I don't know if that makes any kind of sense.

But suffice it to say Mikki - your words are very close to home.

Love you all...

Much.

Meki

[meki]

You all have to know this too...

There are some things that my husband has done that I don't choose to put out on the boards - as it is too personal. (nothing like beating me or anything like that... )

But suffice it to say - that I don't believe that the person that I am --- can get around these  things... whereas -- in the past, I would have forgiven and forgotten.

So - that isn't the only thing leading up to this... But a conglomeration of changes within me mostly - and a few changes from him, as well - that I never thought would occur in either of us.

[Marcia2202]

I believe that you are the best judge of your situation. And I think it is very brave of you to even put it out here on the forum. I remember when I took the decision, it was very personal and a lot of hurt etc had happened. I had forgiven many times. In the end, even if he would have turned into an angel, I would have not been able to stay. To leave was one of the best decisions I ever took in my life. I was able to develop and flourish after that.
But only you can know this in the depth of your heart and soul. And you have to follow your true inner feeling. Life is strange. When we are born we come alone and the day we have to leave we go alone. And that is the reason why I feel it is important to be true to oneself..

We are here to support you with whatever decision you take. You are like a big beautiful butterfly emerging from it's cocoon. Big hugs, Marcia

[debnevada]

oh dear
meki, i am very proud of your decision and it take more courage to do what you are doing, in spite of the fact that you face some mixed feelings and sorrow.

however, you are the best judge of your situation and i am so impressed with you.

i always knew you were a walking container for a large four chambered pumping organ, but your courage is even bigger than that....

i love you
i am proud of you

deb

[kickboxingmom]

This is ONLY what I think !
                  I love what you said Trish.
Mary stepped down off the wagon and she looked pregnant.Joseph wasn't married to her, yet.People stared at her and as she walked down the path people started stoning her.Joseph looked around at the people and looked at Mary and he proceeded to join her.Not caring what people thought or the actions they decided to take.Why ?
1.He didn't know who the father was?
2.He wanted to protect her ?
3.He loved her no matter what she had done?
I think you and hubby need space to find out who you and himself are again.
Then and only then can you find out who each other is again and if there is any Love left.
It will work again and God's way.To find Happiness in the end.
If Love is there you'll reunite.You'll find Happy.
If Love isn't there, you'll move on and in the end what do we all want and deserve ? Happy!I feel for you and my heart crys for you but only you can find you, be you, love you, and find Happy for daughter, hubby and YOU !
God Bless you Meki and your Family
Tammy
P.S. Observation .When you cry yourself to sleep, does your left or right eye shed more tears ?My right eye.Hehe.Love ya girl and be Strong and Go find Happy !

[Debbie223]

Hi, I am kinda new to this board... I found out in May that I have hep c and it has been hard...I started tx on the 11th... One thing I know for sure is that most likely the problems you are facing in your relationship were there before you did tx.... and now they are just bigger then life due to you changing your outlook on life... I went thru a divorce in 1979...I was married to a wonderful man for 18 years... he is the father of my two children.. and he is a awesome dad and was a good husband but sometimes that just isn't enough and I think when we realize how short life can be we have to look at that.. I am remarried now and I am happy and he is happy in a new relationship... but facing this has been insightful.... my husband is very supportive but I worry about so many things.... Our life has shifted and I have to deal with it and face my own demons.....

I wish you the very best... I have read your past post and you seem to be such a pillar of strenght for so many people here....you are going to be ok......

Deb

[HectorSF]

Hi Meki. I'm very sorry to hear you are going through such a traumatic time. I really hope in the long run things will work out for everyone in your family. After all you've been through I'm sure you'll find the inner strenght to do what is best for yourself and your family.

Personally I find myself returning to "norm" after more than two months post treatment. But since I'm stage 4 and maybe won't be able to treat again I know that life could be short or at least there are some not so fun things that may be in store for me in the not too distant future. I'm optimistic that somehow someway things will work out. So day-to-day I'm good. But like you, I want to live all I can and not take for granted how good it feels to be alive. Even though I am getting back to my normal daily tasks I know I've also changed in some intangible ways. For the better, I hope. But there are downsides to any change. For example, I have a few alcoholic friends that now I find hard even to be around. I think it is partly because I see them as being self-destructive. After all of us HVC and liver disease people have been through and continue to go through in order to heal ourselves I just find it outrageous (I can’t think of a better word) that while so many people are trying to hold on the life at all costs there others are just throwing it away. And their callous attitude and cynicism is too much for me to bare right now. I really need more positive, life affirming things in my life. Negativity is just a dead end that I have so interest in being around. We have all seen that life is no easy road and it has it’s up and downs. But I see no reason to go looking for additional disappointments. Life is too short and there are so many things while we are still able to do them. Hopefully we are learning from our experiences and learning what is right for us, although be being more our true ourselves may bring us into conflict with others around us. Which can be sad for us and the other we care for.


Luckily for my girlfriend, she left me before treatment started. Of course I resented her for it. And I have to admit it would have been a nightmare for anybody else to have to deal with the all the ups and downs of treatment. I was not a happy camper. Not by a long shot! I couldn't even stand myself at times, as I was on survival mode and anything beyond sleeping and eating was too much to handle. Now I can see the relationship would have ended during treatment and that would have been 10 times harder to deal with and she was just taking care of herself. So it all worked out for the best. Now I know that in order to have a lasting relationship I will need someone who can accept me AND my health issues. It’s one package. Spoiled goods some will say. Not an easy proposition I know but that is the way it is.

I’m glad you are feeling healthy and happy about life. That’s a good thing for sure.
I wish you all the best. And thanks for all the smiles and info you’ve shared with all of us. You make the forum a brighter place.

Hector

[meki]

Hector - I kind of think you pegged it on the head.

Pretty much in a nutshell... LOL!

Thanks for letting me know your insights - I so appreciate your time and your sincerity.

Much love to all.

Meki

[jools57]

Hi Meki,
Well you know my story.
We do change, HCV, TX, age, whatever. People grow, together, apart.
I think the most important thing is the kids, and how this impacts them. Two parents, together or apart that are friends is soooo important. It sounds like you and your hubby will be able to be that...friends.  I'm sorry you are going thru the pain of divorce, because I think no matter the circumstance there is a grieving process we all go thru during a divorce. So you will be in my thoughts, and prayers.
There is a light...I'm seeing it!!! Change can be good, and sometimes necessary.
Love you...
Jools

[pKinCA]

When my doctor was prepping me for tx, he told me that I'll have flu-like symptoms and that oh yeah one other thing, he's seen couples divorce during or after it.  I listened, but thought "yeah, right..."  Ha!  Now that I've been through the tunnel, the swamp, the quicksand, the deep water (well, you get my drift!) -- I understand and now believe him.

"They" say that adversity either makes a couple stronger or makes them go separate ways.  Seems to be very accurate saying!  I feel lucky in that my bf and I got closer and stronger, but having lived through tx I can see that it could have easily gone the other way...

Another observation of mine is that I still don't feel as "connected" to my normal friends... No fault of theirs or mine, it's just that *I* have changed because of the dx and tx... I feel most connected to my friends that have had some challenge lately and also to everyone here on the forum.  Even though I'm not very active in posting, I have continued to read posts everyday and feel this is more my family than my actual family...  

So like all that life throws our way, our experience has caused a "shift" no doubt!  I'm sorry that your shift means the loss of your marriage.  Maybe it can be salvaged down the road after you and your husband have had some time to heal...  The only constant in life -- is that it won't ever stay the same!  For those who don't embrace change, that is a real bummer!!  

You have such a good disposition and warm heart, and I hope you find the inner peace that you are seeking...

pK

[IAmTheWalrus]

Well, as to your question about who's had marital problems related to TX, all I can say is she hasn't left me yet!

I am very sorry to hear about the trouble. I think the breakup of a marriage must be about the most stressful thing a person could go through emotionally. I won't try to improve on any of the comments given as I am certainly no expert in relationships. The whole situation is too complicated for me to really understand. I only hope for the best thing for you and those you love.

The support you give here has been wonderful. I hope you get support as well as you give it.

Brent

[comeagain]

Meki why are you asking about others?
It sounds to me you maybe, are looking for outside arguments to do something you inside yourself know is wrong.

And for the record, by reading between the lines in your posts I´ve known for several months that you in your mind,  were on your way away from your husband.

About that being friend bullshiiit i dont by that at all, ok if there never has been any passion at all then you probebly could still bee friends.

Think twice before you commit adultery if thats what you about to do.

And to many others think twice before you encourage and applaud someone who
maybe are hedding  in that direction.

ca

[Marcia2202]

My Swedish friend, I must disagree with you on the being friends comment. I know quite a few people who have divorced and remained friends out of respect for each other and for their children. I have friends who even go on holidays with their two children... This is still 15 years after their divorce and their kids are almost in their 30ies. So in some cases it does work. Of course it takes some work and restraint, maybe more than actually being in the marriage.

I DO agree with you that we shouldn't encourage Meki, but I also think that we shouldn't discourage her either... Either way it could be a bad move or a good move for her and her family, but only she herself can know what's right for her, in her situation.

In my case it was the best move for everyone, except for my ex-husband. My children still thank me until this day (15 years later) that I left and took them with me. But as said before, I was in a different situation.

If she feels she cannot go on this way and is so brave to actually open it up on the forum, I feel it as my responsibility to help her get through this. She has always been there for everyone else and I definitely want to be of help, if I can.

I am not criticizing your way of seing this, am just commenting on it and saying what I think about the situation. So please take no offence, my friend.

Marcia

[comeagain]

You know I´m separated my self ,by not being friends i don´t mean not being able to coopurate in practical terms.

But for me a friend is someone you confide in and  ones broken up if you still stupid enough to do that (confinde) its gonna cost you all the energi you need.

I´ve been that stupid so this is experience talking.

Take care good luck with the bx.

ca

[desrt]

I think you may still be way too close to your own situation to recognize the wisdom of some of these postings. Give it another 15-20 years and a lot of this will make more sense.

[jdwithhcv]

"Meki why are you asking about others?
It sounds to me you maybe, are looking for outside arguments to do something you inside yourself know is wrong.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm afraid you don't understand much about women at all.  Meki's not looking for outside arguments to do "something she knows is wrong"  She needs to talk about her feelings.  That's what women do.

jd

[Marcia2202]

Well, then one will need to define the meaning of the word friend. Obviously there are friends and there are friends.... Unfortunately there is only one word for all the nuances of the word friend. But I understand what you mean.

to all:

I would like to expand a bit on what jd is saying... Us women we like to share without expecting to receive some kind of advice. We just share and talk and it makes us feel better. In the end we mostly follow our intuition. When we do share... men usually think that we are coming to get an advice for a solution. It's the whole Mars and Venus thing. Actually the book 'Men are from Mars, women are from venus' is a quite interesting and humoros book on just the subject of why we are having such a hard time to comprehend each other. It has helped me to understand my partner better and also my sons and my daughters. It's sometimes hard for you guys to understand us and for us women to understand you guys. One of my sons read it a few years ago, he loved the book and applied some of these things in his daily life. He said it was a total eye opener. He's only 20 now.


Take care,

Marcia

[meki]

Maarcia - your son is a wise man at that young of an age --- and he will benefit tremendously if he uses those things.

Comeagain - I love you dearly. It is NOT Me... who has committed adultery.

I am choosing to legally divorce my husband on the basis that there is nothing left of that passion in me, nor in him. We're both content, but sad, at the decision. Like you regret things you wish you could have done or said to stop the ball from rolling downhill and gaining momentum --- but that you just didn't see before it was too late.

We're friends - always will be... He is a very NICE guy --- and I am a very nice person as well. It's unfortunate - that we cannot get past a few barriers - but those barriers are firmly in place right now. And neither of us sees us getting around them.

Our daughter is the most encouraging aspect of it all - she came and gave us both a big bear hug ---- a threesome hug with her --- and told us she loved us and that we would ALL be alright.

She said that if we --- in the end got new boyfriends or girlfriends --- husbands or wives - that she would be totally cool with it --- in fact --- more presents... LMAO! --- That's my kid --- ever the optimist. I --- we --- love her dearly.

Thanks again guys for every comment you've made - it helps me clear my mind and focus on what is most important --- our daughter... Instead of remaining angry at all the things he cannot change ---- or that I cannot change.

Meki

[SnoWav]

I'm sorry I can't make life perfect for the one person that I've loved - and he can't make it perfect for me either
no kidding it;s not a perfect world we live in. Been married 35 yrs it is always working it out. So easy to give up looking for that perfect someone,once you really know them they won't be perfect either.

[Deb_c430]

Good luck with your decsion, it's a hard one,  like snow i been married a long time.  it is something that has to be worked at.

my heart goes out to you, your child sounds like a sweety, again goodluck

deb

[Trish77]

I wish you every happiness going forward, Meki.  I left my marriage also as we'd grown apart and we tried putting it back together after we separated but too many things had gone down and continued to go down for that to happen.  I moved on and moved forward together with my kids and we are very tight, my three kids and myself.  Not easy but you have the spirit to make it work for yourself and your daughter and I know you'll be happy.

All the best, Meki.

Trish

[l-horn]

I'm still with mine. She's in a trunk in the garage. We haven't spoken in years.

[meki]

ROFLMAO!

I-horn - you're one of a kind. Yanno?

Thanks for the giggle.

Hugs,

Meki

[alagirl]

another thing too that bears saying is that I think that many of us, through this process, reach kind of an epiphany about life (I know I did), that its too short for many of the things ways we may have thought and behaved before.  I was never a drinker (not being self righteous here because if drinking was something that had WORKED for me in terms of giving me a rush or making me feel good, I'm sure I would have been first in line, alcohol being so cheap and all, its just that I found it to be a cns depressent that didn't really make me feel very good (typical), so it wasn't very appealing to me, lacking the upside that I would suppose most alchoholics look for.  

That said, I had my own "stuff" pre-treatment.  Like for instance, I was definitely a type A adreniline junkie control freak when it came to work, and I was a screamer and a yeller (also when it came to work and sometimes just in my personal life).  So when I got into treatment I had a real fast and profound epiphany about whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life riding people so hard, and chasing the almighty dollar, instead of investing more positive benign energy in my friends and family.

And I have seen a lot of people around here who have struggles with similar issues during treatment in terms of kind of trying to suss out what their healthier post tx personality is going to look like for them.  Because its different for everyone.  And in a perfect world we'd love to feel like our partner would want to make that step of growth and faith with us, but I think it can be very frightening for them to see us leaving the status quo (I use he word us here loosely as I have put my other sex relationships on hold til I get past my treatment), but still, treatment is a major life event.  MAJOR.  By far, for me, the most difficult, and the most far reaching life event I have ever endured and my body will never be the same, and neither will my mind.  So yeah, I can see how a partner would feel threatened by it.  It kind of means that they either have to change too or get left behind.  Pretty scary for them I would guess.

[ram921]

Wow. My heart goes out to you. I think anytime someone passes through huge adversity they experience growth, and growth is definitely change. Your husband is sick and stuck, you are getting better and growing. Seek al-anon meetings in your area, and attend them. You didn't cause his illness, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Please continue healing yourself. In Al-anon, you may learn about living with another's alcoholism, or how to detatch with love...

[DB 0]

My ex called a couple of hrs ago.Just to tell me her problems.Same as when I was TXing.Not much has changed before during or after TX for her,I am more patient,we have been divorced for 26 yrs.Our son was 4 then,has gotten his masters in computer science.   Good luck,you still respect your husband and he respects you.

[eureka254]

I'm sorry to hear that your suffering any, Meki.

It's not the first time I've heard of a marriage break-up after treatment, and it's been a spectre I've had to wrestle down and accept as a risk, along with everything else.  Treatment may change both my husband and me, for the worse or for the better, I don't know, but I expect there WILL be change.  It's really those side effects that we can't measure in a glass tube that really puts one to the test sometimes.    

Even love that lasts forever can't always keep people together.  Every step you take, forward or backward, has the potential of widening existing distances.  And sometimes to grow and move forward you need space that you can only attain with distance.  I hope you find peace and fulfillment as you work through this time in your life.

I know with your positive outlook, you'll make your path a good one for you and your daughter.  I wish you all the best.
~eureka

[meki]

Just letting you guys know that I'm going to be fairly scarce around here until about the middle of September - for --- LOL --- obvious reasons --- but I will be back here.

I love you all - so be good.

I'll check in when I can.

Please --- EVERYONE - please take care of Elaine while I'm not around as much as I usually am.

Everything is going alright here - no major problems... Just a LOT of work to do --- cleaning - organizing, separating items --- deciding who gets what - and getting arrangements for my new condo.

So - all is good.

Hugs to all of you.

Meki

[Isobella]

I wish I had some of those wise and witty words of wisdom that you are always willing to give others!  

But I can say that I wish you the very best.  You have gone thru so much over these past years and always had time to encourage everyone here.  You deserve to live life on your terms.

And that you can do that while maintaining a respectful relationship with your husband is a good thing.  

Your daughter is lucky to have that.

You're awesome!  Keep us posted!

Best to you,

Isobella

[Andiamo1]

I agree with Isobella, you deserve to live life on you terms.  I will miss you though.  I sent you a PM.

Eric

[sunqueen]

Good luck to you. Your posts and various thread comments have been inspirational to this newbie.