Aa
Joke of the day
Since the last joke thread is buried I thought I would start another to help brighten things up a little. We all could use it.
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell i f that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my ****** into.'
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell i f that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my ****** into.'
Hypnotist Visits the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior's Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor , breaking into a hundred pieces.
****!' said the Hypnotist.*
*It took three days to clean up the Seniors' Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior's Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor , breaking into a hundred pieces.
****!' said the Hypnotist.*
*It took three days to clean up the Seniors' Center
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
i havent been on this thread for a few days glad i stopped by all good ones
They put a smile on my face thanks!!1
peace
rita
They put a smile on my face thanks!!1
peace
rita
you like harley jokes!!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in
a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been
such a good man and have been so faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over to paradise anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
There are enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking: the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. I suggest you take a little more time
and wish for something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
our wives and girlfriends. I want to know how she feels,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries for no reason, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman really happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in
a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been
such a good man and have been so faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over to paradise anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
There are enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking: the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. I suggest you take a little more time
and wish for something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
our wives and girlfriends. I want to know how she feels,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries for no reason, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman really happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
You have to love this woman........................
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best
dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, 'Never min d sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later,
they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped
for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other
dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY
THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best
dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, 'Never min d sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later,
they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped
for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other
dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY
THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!!
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
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Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
MAN Vs Woman Dictionary
People not always mean what they say, sometimes what they say is just the opposite of what they actually feels.... well, that's why miscommunication happens all the time,,, especially in relationship, ,, now, here's i give you some clue about the true meaning behind the words that people say in relationships. ....
WOMEN ' S Dictionary:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you ' ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you ' re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You ' re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN ' S Dictionary:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let ' s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I ' d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I ' d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I ' d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I ' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don ' t go with that ōutfit = I ' m gay
People not always mean what they say, sometimes what they say is just the opposite of what they actually feels.... well, that's why miscommunication happens all the time,,, especially in relationship, ,, now, here's i give you some clue about the true meaning behind the words that people say in relationships. ....
WOMEN ' S Dictionary:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you ' ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you ' re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You ' re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN ' S Dictionary:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let ' s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I ' d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I ' d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I ' d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I ' d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don ' t go with that ōutfit = I ' m gay
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE,SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT.
PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE
VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,
THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER
AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE,SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT.
PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE
VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,
THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER
AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD,
USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Melinda,
Those were great!!!
Although I must tell you that even with a man's brain being larger than a dogs, we still may hump your leg at a party, LOL!!!
Those were great!!!
Although I must tell you that even with a man's brain being larger than a dogs, we still may hump your leg at a party, LOL!!!
Okay then, one for us ladies...
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?.....Put a remote between his feet....
Why do men name their penis's?...... Would you like a stranger making your decisions?
Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?
........their balls fall over their a**hole, forming a vapor-lock.
How are men like linoleum?...You lay them right, and you can walk on them for years...
Why are men's brains bigger than a dog's?...So they don't hump your leg at parties...
How many men does it take to change an empty paper roll? Nobody knows, it's never been done...
Why was the blonde's bellybutton sore?...Her boyfriend was blonde too...
How do you know when a man is getting old?.. When his knees buckle, and his belt won't....
:) ~Melinda
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?.....Put a remote between his feet....
Why do men name their penis's?...... Would you like a stranger making your decisions?
Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?
........their balls fall over their a**hole, forming a vapor-lock.
How are men like linoleum?...You lay them right, and you can walk on them for years...
Why are men's brains bigger than a dog's?...So they don't hump your leg at parties...
How many men does it take to change an empty paper roll? Nobody knows, it's never been done...
Why was the blonde's bellybutton sore?...Her boyfriend was blonde too...
How do you know when a man is getting old?.. When his knees buckle, and his belt won't....
:) ~Melinda
Software engineer and his wife
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the new dress for me.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
DEAD LOCK
Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuitions: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.
Grandpa(the 1st boss ;) ) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuitions: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.
Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .
HOW IS IT ????
this is called dead lock :)
Dear Dragonslayer
I can bet I have aslo made tons n tons of enemies with that joke and worst of all, these enemies are all females.......... :( I think i have dug my own grave by doing this .....
Anyone know how to delete that joke post ..... LOL
I can bet I have aslo made tons n tons of enemies with that joke and worst of all, these enemies are all females.......... :( I think i have dug my own grave by doing this .....
Anyone know how to delete that joke post ..... LOL
Beer v/s Women, Which is better
1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!
2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!
3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!
4 . If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (It depends on your point of view).
5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!
6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!
7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!
8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!
9. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!
10. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!
11. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!
12. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!
13. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!
14. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!
15. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!
Final Score: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)
If you're a woman and getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! FINAL SCORE: 10 to 6.
1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!
2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!
3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!
4 . If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (It depends on your point of view).
5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!
6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!
7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!
8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!
9. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!
10. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!
11. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!
12. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!
13. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!
14. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!
15. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!
Final Score: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)
If you're a woman and getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! FINAL SCORE: 10 to 6.
Clean and funny jokes are hard to find-
This one is an oldie but it still makes me chuckle...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and
I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
This one is an oldie but it still makes me chuckle...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and
I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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