Joke of the day

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said.. 'She's
still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[can-do-man]

Differences between Grandpa and Grandma

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Pa Pa '
the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb
b a s t a r d or lousy s h i t head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.

[Marcia2202]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

  
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

[portann]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[merryBe]

ohhhhh good one!!

[lapis]

A nurse is working the night shift and a doctor has come in early in the morning to begin making rounds.  The doctor gives the nurse a funny look and says, "Nurse, what are you doing with that rectal thermometer behind your ear?"  The nurse slowly pulls out the thermometer, looks at it, and says, "Oh, sh*t, some a$$hole has my pencil!!"

[Deb_c430]

those are funny!  watson and holmes   thermometer,


Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS
IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M
GETTING A FAX!!

[portann]

I woke up my husband just now, screaming with laughter and still can't stop.

What made it so stunning is that it looked like it was going a certain way and then, wow, peels and peels of laughter. He's asleep again, poor guy.

[Deb_c430]

My very much older refined sister sent me that, I died laughing  lately she surprises me!

I did the same with watson and sherlock!  I have a friend and  we tease about that often,  someone stole the tent!

[rita863]

all good ones!!!

[Fl_Gator]

  FOUR !~!!!!!!
Manure... An interesting fact

Manure:  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's
invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier,
but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is
methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can
see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came
below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Shi p High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it
high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane.


Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

[merryBe]

NO S.H.I.T  !!!!  ??????   !!!!!!!!!!!

[Fl_Gator]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8