Joke time!

OK, first I hope it does not offend anyone, but it is funny:



A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
without water.  His horse has already died of thirst.  He's crawling
through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when
all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.  But
this is not an ordinary genie.  She is wearing a FEMA ID badge and a
dull gray dress.  There's a calculator in her pocketbook  She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie.  "You know how I work.  You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy.  "I'm not going to trust
a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose?  You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.  "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."

***POOF*** the cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** the cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** the cowboy turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:  If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

[FlGuy]

I like these kind of threads you start. BTW, you taking riba this week?  Or are you completely done?  Congratulations for making it through the carp.

[Fl_Gator]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

[annieCinMD]

I found it funny...so's the one Fl_Gator posted. Need to have a sense of humor to get through tx.

[newleaf09]

Offensive cajun joke:

3 cajuns (or the ethnic group of your choice) have overturned their boat and are freezing in the gulf.  A bottle floats up, containing a genie.  Each gets a wish.

1st guy:  "I want to be home, warm in bed with my wife"  Poof! It shall be.

2nd guy:  "I want to go home, but to my wife, not his wife"  Poof!  It shall be.

3rd guy:  "I'm lonely.  I wish my freinds were back here with me"

[DragonSlayer45]

thanks, it is good to be able to laugh. It helps and lord knows we do a lot of the opposite when treating. LOL Anything that can make us smile if even for a moment!

To answer your question. Tomorrow is last day of Riba and that my friend is no joke!

[DragonSlayer45]

Gator/ newleaf...good stuff.

[comeagain]

A woman who was in a divorce process with her husband was walking along a beach.
She was really angry on her husband whom she thought was a real swine.

While walking she came to find an old bottle lying in the waterside , she took it up opened it and out came a genie.

You have set me free you have three wishes just remember since your married everything you get from wishing your husband will get the same only he gets double of it.

_I want a real expencive diamond necklace the woman said.
and wops she was holding a wonderful necklace in her hand.

In the same moment her husband was standing there looking surprised with two exactly the same necklaces.

Next wish ,said the gentile.
Then I want a million dollar said the woman.

Immediately she got her million and at the same time her husband got two million dollars.

Now its time for your last wish the gentile told her.

The woman thought just a short time then she said-

Scare me half to death!!

ca

[comeagain]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was
browsing through the dildos, for something special to please his wife, and
started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . " and
he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo diick."

"So what's this voodoo diick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out an old wooden box
carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, "Big **** ing deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it does do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo diick, the door." The voodoo **** rose out of
its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo diick, go back in your
box!" The voodoo diick stopped, floated back to the box and rested there
quietly once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo diick, my pus sy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo diick, my pus sy!" The
voodoo diick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out,
but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a
voodoo diick was stuck in her puss y, and wouldn't stop screw ing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah right, Voodoo
diick my @ss!"

[Fl_Gator]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO
HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY
CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND
SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO
SEE  HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID
FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL,  I'M GOING TO
HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."  
  

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE
PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS
THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN
THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE
AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
    
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE
POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO
WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS.
I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY." SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT
HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



       I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON ....."

[DragonSlayer45]

Those are hilarious!

[DragonSlayer45]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door
and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you
like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as
firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,''and a little tear ran from
his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they
nice and pink like this?'
  
The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other
eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as
fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.
  
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got
my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get
F*&$ed out of my peaches.'

[comeagain]

>Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
>
>How many men does it take to open a beer?
>None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
>them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>How do you fix a woman's watch?
>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Why do men fart more than women?
>Because women can't shut up long enough to
>build up the required pressure.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>A woman who won't do what she's told.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>I married a Miss Right.
>I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
>a woman's sex drive by 90%.
>It's called a Wedding Cake.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Why do men die before their wives?
>They want to.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Women will never be equal to men until they can
>walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
>gut, and still think they are sexy.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
>Then God created Man and rested.
>Then God created Woman.
>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------

[jdwithhcv]

You crack me up!  Thanks, I needed a laugh today.

jd

[DragonSlayer45]

Here are some Puns or as I like to call them Groaners.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

21. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Bill1028]

A man was walking along the BEACH and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A GENIE appeared and thanked the man for letting him out...

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you ONE wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to HAWAII but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii...!!!"

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just TOO MUCH to ask...!!!"

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie...

"The other thing that I have always wanted is to be able to UNDERSTAND women. What makes them laugh and cry, WHY are they temperamental, and WHY are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, WHAT is it that makes WOMEN tick...?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want TWO lanes or FOUR?"

[Bill1028]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor...
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear P.Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[DragonSlayer45]

So, I see some people like Genie jokes! I posted this one a long time ago but for those who did not see it (even if you did it is worth reading again)....

Sorry this one is long....but worth it!!!

This guy walks into  a bar carrying a bag and says to the bartender. "If I show you something really amazing can I get a free drink"

the bar tender replies "Ok but 'll be the judge of whether it is amazing or not"

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature grand piano and places it on the bar. He then reaches back into the bag and pulls out a miniature man all dressed in a tuxedo.

The little man sits down at the piano and plays the most beautiful piano concerto the bartender has ever heard.

The bartender says" You were right that is the most amazing thing I ever saw, here is your free drink"

After a few minutes the bartender asks the guy "so where did you ever find this little man and this little piano".

The guys replies "You would never believe me if I told you so I'll just show you" He then reaches into the bag and pulls out a Genies lamp.

The bar tender says "hold on are you going to try and tell me that is a Genies lamp and if i rub it my wish will come true?"

The guys says "it's true go ahead and try it for yourself"

So the bar tender rubs the lamp and with a big cloud of smoke a Genie appears and says "I am the Genie of the lamp. i am here to grant you one wish and ONLY one wish"

So the bartender says " OK I want a million bucks" The genie nods and says "so it shall be" Then with a big puff of smoke the genie disappears.

The bartender is like yeah so now what. All of a sudden the door flies open and in comes a duck who waddles over to the bar and jumps up on it. Then in comes another and another and another until the entire bar is filled with ducks.

The bartender turns the guy and says "hey pal I think your genie is a little hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

The guys responds "Tell me something I don't already know....Do you really think if I had ONE wish and ONLY ONE wish I would have asked for a 12" pianist!!!"

[portann]

That's great! Believe it or not, it took me a sec to figure out the punch line.

[comeagain]

That was really funny, and I´m totally deaf on one ear so I know how difficult it is to hear right some times just can´t stop laughing!!
LOL

[averagegeek]

I have a long joke for y'all, but it's worth it.

A man and woman are married, and on their wedding night, before the bride will have sex with her new husband, she says she wants $50.

The man laughs and thinks it's funny, that maybe she'll buy a new purse or shoes, so he obliges her.

But it went on like that for the next 30 years. before the wife will have sex with her husband, she demands $50, and he pays it.

One day the husband comes home carrying a box of stuff from his office and his briefcase, just bawling his eyes out.

She says, "Honey! What's wrong? Are you OK?

He answers, the company was forced to downsize and they cut my job! After 30+ years, THEY CUT MY JOB!!!! Now what are we going to do?! We're going to lose everything, the cars, the house, the boat, just EVERYTHING!!!! *sob sob sob

She says gently, honey, come for a ride in the car with me. As she drives around town, her husband's tears start to dry and he calms down a little.

The wife drives them past a condo complex, and points to it, "See that building? We own that. It brings in about $50,000 a month. And see that Marina? We're co-owners with our friends Jim and Julie. And, I didn't tell you, but I also bought stocks in microsoft when they were a start-up, and now I have invested in new Semiconductor technology that the military is developing. We don't have to worry about money."

The husband stammers...wha..wha..ho.."h-h-how did you do all this?

She replies, you know all these years we had sex and you gave me $50 each time? Well, I invested it, saved, bought stocks, and did really well, and this is what we have to show for it."

The husband starts WAILING, SCREAMING, tears stream down his face. He's so torn up he can barely catch his breath through all the hitching sobs racking him.

The wife says, "Honey,! What's the matter? I thought you would be happy with me!!"

The husband struggles to catch his breath to speak, and finally is able to say,






"If I had known this, I would have given you ALL my business!"

[Andiamo1]

The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He  ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi ****.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn  tyres.  So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.