Letting Go

Some of you know my special friend who helped me raise my kids, a neighbor, never a lover is dying.  Although I have been really ill this year, when he found out he had stage 4 stomach cancer, I took him to every appt. Sometimes, my asst. had to drive us.  He is now in hospice at his apt. I gave him his epo shots and fed him. He stayed here at my house a lot. He was a stubborn guy who always wanted to go home. He loves to cook and garden. He messed up my garden a lot!  lol.. But I love him anyway. For thirty years we have been friends. Sorta mismatches as he is black and me white. When he used to take my daughter on the bus, people really gave him the looks... (g)  I have seen him wither over the months, but never wanted to let go.  someone told me the other day that it was selfish to hold on to him. I needed to tell him I could let go. That it was okay to go.  You know I am crying as I write this, but I did tell him it was okay to go. He counted on me so much for everything that I needed to tell him it was okay.  I will miss him so much and wish I had the energy to be with him more. His children he resented but they are now caring for him. I am glad they get to have the closure with him. I know it is going to be soon.  I just want to say how important it is to let go if you have to. I surely want to go and make him get up and run around like we used to.  sad can't even explain what I am going through.  I love this man so much, and am glad I told him it was okay to go......

linda

[wyntre9]

That is heartbreaking, for him, his kids, your kids, you.......

I'm very sorry to hear the news, Linda.  All my good wishes for you and your wonderful friend.

wyntre

[ladywhy]

Today I have shed many tears...not necessarily of sorrow..but I just shed a few more. What a mutual gift your friendship has been to one another...what a blessing....
The day my Dad passed away at home, my Mom told him it was ok....it was ok to go...that the suffering would be over. He did just that a very short while later that day. I had the honor of being his primary caregiver. I am much like him...and our relationship was one of rebellion, stubbornness and unforgivness. Our horns awways locked. By God's grace, the last 6mos. of his life was one of healing,, forgiveness and a pouring out of love that was not of me, but God. I miss him right now.
Your friend is very fortunate to have you, Linda...and I am sorry to know that you are in pain.
Sincerely,
Yvonne

[sfbaygirl]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I told him I loved him and no matter what he would always be with me.  Although he is in that state of sleeping most of the time now, he heard me and told me that he loved me too. God, this is so hard.  I needed to tell him it was okay, because I think that if I hadn't he would not have let go. He knew I needed him and didn't want him to die. This is so hard.  thanks for being here for me , it means a lot.

linda

[GrandmaA]

You are such a good friend. I'm sure he appreciated you very, very much. We are all terminal. Only God knows when that day will come for each of us.

Speaking of letting go: my younger son (almost 32) and his wife and toddler are moving to China on Sat. He said he will sent me an airline ticket so I can visit them there. He said her province is really beautiful.  

[sfbaygirl]

Thanks, we are great friends.  My younger son moved in the summer to Portland (might as well be China!) and took my grandbabies.  It is really hard,  not so far, but sure seems so.  Wow,  China would be a great place to visit!  You deserve a break.  I would love to go to China.  Hope you take him up on the offer!

[IAmTheWalrus]

I hope the courage and compassion you show comes back to you every day!

Brent

[IAmTheWalrus]

I hope the courage and compassion you show comes back to you every day!

Brent

[sfbaygirl]

coo coo cha coo.  I thank you for that statement. It made me smile. I need more smiles as I am sure everyone here does. Again, thanks!

Hugs,
Linda

[Trish77]

Linda, I read something a little while ago that helped me put alot of things in perspective...  

"Life is a balance of knowing when to hold on and when to let go."  

That made me assess what things I was holding on to that I shouldn't be and what things I really needed to hang onto tighter.  It was really hard to let go of some things but absolutely necessary.  I can't imagine how hard it is to let go of someone so incredibly close to your heart and that takes great love, courage and strength.  Can't imagine how painful this must be for you and I wish you all the courage, strength and peace that you and your friend need to get through this.   I am very glad for you that you've had this great love in your life.  You can't love without risking pain and I feel for you at this bittersweet time in your life.  Thinking of you.

Trish

[dperry10]

I am so sorry for you and your friend.  I know what you are going thru.   I lost my closest childhood friend to Cancer, when she was 34.   I had to do the same thing.. She had an 8 yr son and 11 year old daughter, and a loving husband.   It was very hard to see her wither away.  But she went to a better place free of pain.    I am sorry you have to go thru all this, when you are going thru so much yourself.   Peace be with you and yours.  He knows you love him and will miss him..  But he will always be with you.  

Dana

[mikesimon]

I am so sorry Linda. But, in a way I envy you too. To have such a deep friendship speaks volumes about you and your friend. You two are blessed. Mike

[beamishboy]

sad news indeed,but may i suggest that you shared great times with a wonderful friend&neighbor..'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all'...peace&strength....

[GrandmaA]

I have never bonded with my granddaughter as they took her to China when she was 6 mos. old and didn't come back until 6 weeks ago. They limited my access to her because of the hep. C. Then I got all this information from the doctor about how you cannot get it casually and gave it to them.  It is for the best because my younger son criticizes me for everything, especially the past but he won't do it from overseas, phone calls cost too much. He has to count his blessings. I have my grandsons down south and I just saw them for Christmas. I will go back down there in Feb. for one birthday and in June for the other one. My older son reimburses me for half the airfare. He's very generous.

I'm really sorry for your friend. But his pain will be over soon.

[merlino]

I am so sorry for your friend and for you. When my children's father was dying I told them the same thing. Tell him its Ok to go that you both will be fine. It was so hard for them to do but they knew he would be released from his suffering. I truly believe we our time comes we need to know our loved ones will be ok. You will be blessed for helping him! I was finished with tx when things were very bad for my ex-husband and I could barely handle things. You are amazing for what you did for him while being so sick yourself.You were a TRUE friend.

[Anonymous225]

Everyone should have a friend like you....

[frijole]

Linda, that was beautiful.  A tribute to a remarkable friendship.  I smile when I read about your friend taking your daughter on the bus. I'll bet there were lots of "looks."  I am so glad he had you there for him and I know he was there for you too.  The last days are the hardest, to be sure.  I like the Buddist concept of meditating for someone who dies for three days to help guide him on his journey.
Kathy

[Myown]

I remember you telling me about him. I'm so sorry to hear this. Its so hard when you have a very close friendship and this happens. You're friendship was like a marriage - though only friends - "till death do us part."

Sorry to hear this Linda, but I am glad that you had him there for you and you for him.

[sfbaygirl]

everyone. Your words have me crying again. I can't see well to post when my eyes are swollen!  I have so many great memories to carry me on, so do my children. They all came to see him, one from Portland.  It is hard to see him like this as we remember him always doing something. He was happiest when he was cooking or pulling weeds and flowers! lol  But I am grateful to have had all those years of his friendship.  

Another great friend of mine died of liver cancer 6 years ago.  He had Hep C. I still think of him all the time and the wonderful times we had. We may lose someone, but we will always have our memories.

[orphanedhawk]

I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
I hope you can find comfort knowing you were able to assist a close friend when they were in need.   And you gave a great gift, from your heart.             oceans of hugs,   OH

[nygirl7]

SFBG I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm usually not at a loss for words but the heartache you are feeling is so evident that it's overwhelming to try and say anything.

He was as blessed as a man can be to have you for a friend.  I pray that God's given him a beautiful garden up in heaven.

Maybe you can do something like plant a tree in a park in his honor or something?

God bless we will all be thinking of you during this time of sorrow.

[sfbaygirl]

the words you say. So trueI am feeling overwhelmed, it's hard to talk about this.  great idea about planting a tree...I may do so in my yard. My friend that died from Hep C, I have a song from Tom Petty that reminds me.  

I really think I need to get off of these Fibro drugs. I can't function very well. I think I am going to stop. I feel good now...

Thanks for your thoughts, OH and NY and all....Hugs to all!
Linda

[Deb_c430]

What a wonderful gift you gave him.  My profound sorrow for you and all that held him dear. My prayers are with you.

[Forseegood]

so sorry to read about this, I have lost some special people in the last few years as well...really got me into these "letting go" meditations with full force, one of the only things that keeps me okay...best to you in your time of need....

[CIRQDUSOLIEL]

I'm so sorry to hear of this......I can't even imagine what your heart feels even now.  I will keep you close to my heart though and in my prayers for you both.  Know that you're loved...............

In Him,
Rick

[Ginger12521]

Oh, boy, I know too well how hard it is to watch someone close to you succumb to Cancer. I  hope you can find peace and comfort during this sad time for you and your family.

True friends are hard to find...and, it's so sad to have to say goodbye to them. One of my best friends died just a couple of years ago with malignant melanoma. Such a shock to see her go from a healthy vibrant lady to her demise within a 18 month time span. Not to mention the heartbreak for her family. She was only 42 years old.

I'll be saying a prayer for you to find comfort during this difficult time...

[Lonestar823]

  You've shared the journey of a very precious friendship.  Complicated and difficult business this old lent life of ours offers up sometimes, huh?  We come and we go.  Occasionally we are given the gift of brushing up against another's soul and experience something that will last for eternity.  That experience sometimes comes but will never go.  
I'm so sorry Linda.

[sfbaygirl]

All the comments are so great and heartfelt and wise, it makes me feel good that I mentioned what I am going through here. The friends here who support me are so special. Glad to be one of you.

Lamar is still hanging on....

[Rangle]

So sorry to hear...hang in there

[PrettyPoisonNoMore]

I am so sorry - this is the hard stuff.  I am going thru this with a dear friend who just got diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer - masses on both sides of his liver and spots on his lungs.  They have given him 3 months, he is kind of pretending it isn't happening.  The only reason we (his long time friends) know what is going on is that his wife has let us know....

[ladywhy]

When my Dad was told he had six mos. to live, mastasized colon cancer via liver (the Dr.'s were on target) he began immediately to get his affairs in order. He called in a tree service company to trim back these large trees in the home I grew up in. It wasn't an immediate problem but he knew that he wouldn't be here to take care of it when it would be necessary and he didn't want my Mom to have to concern herself. He went 'shopping' and bargained with a funeral home, chose his casket (not in our hometown) that was not as expensive...he had me bring his suit and tie there a month before it was needed....and he would lay in bed while I typed on a computer, his memoirs. He totally accepted his inpending death and was a joy to be with and to care for. He was so grateful for the love and support of his wife and children. The acceptance part, his courage, and the time we all had to talk and share, was his greatest gift to us. The week before he died, he was waltzing in the kitchen with my Mom. Traditional Irish Music was playing day and night ...it gave him/us so much comfort. God is so good. He was a tough, stubborn Irishman and the walls he had built up throughout his life came tumbling down....and he became almost childlike with joy, his eyes would just light up when someone walked in the room. It taught me so much about how to appreciate what we do have.

[ladywhy]

"trim back these large trees in the home I grew up in."

Actually, the trees were outside the house"  

It's late, I better go to bed...shot night and just rambing...
g'night all or I should say g'mornin'
y

[Lady Lauri]

  Some beautiful words posted up there :}

In a mail to you on this I'd said a few things @ my friend. Her last words to me were "I want to go now", while very drugged, yet knew that it was 'time'. There's a 'memory' website for her where we all write on special days, sad days, happy memories, celebrating her, created by a wonderful friend of her mothers. I'd written that I was so grateful to go thru her battle with her, beside her, be there as she left us and that it was an honor to do so and that she knew I would be, with no hesitation, as she would have for me. I am so grateful she knew I loved her and how very special she is to me.
Your friend knows these things from you.

Letting her go was not what I 'wanted', it was for her. "You can go now" were such hard words to say :{  The friendship her and I had, for far too short of a time, was one that many don't ever get in a lifetime. Yours is that also with Lamar. We have many friends in life but as Lonestar said (so perfectly) "brushing up against another's soul" is such a gift.

My heart goes out to you, dear.
                                                                                     LL

[sfbaygirl]

I loved your statement about letting go.  Not what I wanted to do. I really wanted him to just get up again and dance in the kitchen, as Y says.  Thank God that today he passed and he is no longer in pain and suffering. We all loved him so much and he knew it. Actually I didn't even cry when I found out, b/c I knew how much pain he was in.  I am grateful I got to let him go, although hard.  Today his daughter and I are talking about his life.  I offered to write something for the newspaper, as I did my Dad, on tx. Some of you remember, as I posted the articles.  He was in intelligence in the military for many years. Wouldn't give up the secrets, even at the end.  His brother was on of the Muskeegee soldiers that were given syfasus (sp)  and died going crazy.  One of the first black soliders.  He didn't tell me much about his career, but I knew about it. We are now looking for the data.  Any body with ideas how I can find this stuff out would be great.

Thankfully, he passed.  I am extremely sad and want him back,  but he is in a better place now, I hope.  

Thanks for everyone's comments and care.  Means a lot ot me!  

Hugs!
Linda

[ladywhy]

May he rest in peace.

[Lady Lauri]

   Yes, he is out of pain and we know, it that state, they are not 'who' they are and can not live as they want. I wish you healing in the next few mths., accepting and adapting to him being gone in your daily life. Your a good friend, I am sure you made a difference in his life and in his passing.

  So sorry :{                                                            LL

[alagirl]

GrandmaA - I'm sorry to hear that about your son.  It must be very difficult.  My son has been so great and mature with me.  And my best friend AND her family all know about my diagnosis.  Her grandson was born after I began treatment and I am not only his godmother, but they keep begging me to come see him.  I haven't been able to travel at all due to my blood count being too unstable so they are going to bring him up to me hopefully in the next week or so.

I guess what I'm saying is that my closest friends and family, who are the only ones who know I have HCV besides my medical professionals, have just never shied away or made me feel stygmatized, even when it comes to their children.  I guess that does mean a lot to me.

SFBayGirl - I can't imagine treating and having to deal with such a huge loss issue at the same time.  We the living are the ones, of course, who have the most difficulty letting go typically.  But in a way, grieving someone does say something important about the impact they had in their place in the world.  It is just one more way we attribute the meaning to them that they deserve.  After all, it is the people who contribute the most meaning to us when alive whom we grieve the most when they pass.

[sfbaygirl]

Wonderful and thoughtful posts. I am going to print this thread.  I just printed some photos I took during a photography class for the family.  He hated his picture taken!  

Tomorrow is the memorial and I just ordered a spray of flowers. I have never done that before. I always thought that they end up throwing them out anyway...but I bought one that is a bleeding heart. So of course I am crying again today. I will miss him so much.  But he was loved and will be missed.  You are correct alagirl,  he contributed so much to my life, it's really going to be hard to not see him anymore.

[irishrayne]

The greatest thing we posses is the ability to remember.

[sfbaygirl]

You are so right. I will always remember him. Even with brain fog, I will remember him. lol   I already can see him in my garden picking weeds and cooking....I will never forget.  

Thanks

[sfbaygirl]

I know you are....kind of a rough day.  Thanks.

Hugs to you...know you are having your share of hard times.
Linda

[sfbaygirl]

Does it sound strange that with all the health problems I have, i want to be with him? I don't want to be without him and I feel so lousy, why should I be?  I know this sounds like I am nutz right now. Actually I made myself sign up for school starting next week,  but I am having a really hard time knowing he won't be with me and I am feeling like ****.  I have to go on....I know.  But it is hard and the way I feel I almost want to be with him instead.  

[Lady Lauri]

Ahhh girl, feel so bad for you. Your trying to handle a tragic loss which is already so hard, let alone with all the health problems, other emotions.  I'm so sorry :{ You don't sound nuts, you sound like at the end of your rope, heart broken, spirit is hurting. Take a crying, let it all out day (days)  and start back up that rope. It can be a slow climb, but you'll get there. My best friend wanted me to 'live' when she left us, wanted me to keep being the free spirit, stop and smell the rose's gal I always reminded everyone else to not forget, not to loose my spirit. He wants you to get better, be happy, live to the fullest you can, much as you may be feeling like you want to give up, be with him...you know that is not his hopes and wish's for you.
  He looks like a kind man, you can see it in his face. It's so hard to loose someone and kind words do help, but you have to grief and get thru this. Allow yourself that.Life will be different but there's many more good memories for you to make out there.

   Feel better, LL

[Trish77]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You're at the hardest part now.  When my aunt died, my almost-uncle (they didn't quite make it to the altar) came and stayed at my house every night, he couldn't cope with being in the house alone without her. He would dream of her sometimes calling out to him to come to her and I kept an eye on him because he was so despondent for a time...he was in alot of emotional pain and he felt the same as you ... he would rather be with her sometimes.  The grief was overwhelming for him.  I wish I could just reach out and hold you until the hardest part has passed and just let you cry as much as you need to.  For now..I hope this will do that you have friends here who care for you and that you WILL get through this painful time.  He would want you to keep taking care of yourself and keep moving forward.  He took care of you so that you would be okay.  So...keep taking care of yourself in tribute to him.

My almost-uncle got married some time later...I went to his wedding.  

Thinking of you.

Trish

[sfbaygirl]

Thanks. Cried myself to sleep and woke up, still crying. I hate when I cry. My eyes are so swollen I can hardly see.  Tomorrow will be good, I will have some closure I hope and remember the happy times. I know he would want me to go on and be happy. He had a good life and was 77 or so when he died. I just can't imagine him not being here next week. I think I am going to plant a tree or something in my garden to remember him by. My garden may do a bit better now. lol

Thanks for being here for me. This is so hard.

[sfbaygirl]

The memorial was today. It was wonderful to see all the family and friends.. many I didn't remember.  Many thanked me for being there for their uncle or father or brother. I didn't realize how much he told them about how much he loved me.  I was nice to hear and know. I did get an earful from one daughter how she would never have let him go on chemo.  I told her that it was his desision. He wanted to live.  I only helped him interpret the dr's words.  Yes, I may have been paritial to him getting the chemo to keep his tumors from growing,  but it was his desision.  

So many people at the funeral and so many I had not seen for so long, including my sons.  Of course they were there. Lamar helped raise them.  It was really nice and i wanted closure, but as many said, I was the closest to him and still feel I am.  I don't remember being so close to someone that I feel so sad and hurt by their passing.  It will be really hard. Signed up for school...go tomorrow and hope that I can live as he did. Working hard and loving so much... as a survior, I can only continue and hope that I will live up to the standards he did.  I will go on, as he would want me to.  

Thanks for all your support and wonderful words.  These mean so much to me.  

Big Hugs to all,
Linda

[Willy50]

This is one of the hardest things that we ever have to do; letting go of a loved one.  It's one thing we never really learn, never want to learn, and yet that is what this thread is about..

The words that people choose to comfort you, or explain their connection to a similar event ends up relaying how common and natural this is.  I suppose that people end up sharing those occurrences, both the bitter and the sweet because that's what life is, and I guess that death is no different.

In Lamar's death he bought all of his family and friends together so that they could celebrate his life, his friendships, loves and the impact that he made on all his families lives.  When you were all brought together I'll bet that you could see and feel that Lamar was the common thread running through all your lives.

I think that the reason this thread is this long is that so many people that you know want to pay their respects to you, to say hello.... that we are sorry and that we feel for your loss.  In a small way I think every one here wants to give you a cyber hug, or share a bit of our experience so that if in some way it makes it easier for you.  It's small only because words are all that we have to try to pass on the sentiments.  Yet look how well they do it.

A friend just lost her father to cancer.  She reminded us that there was a lot of laughter and tears and that even in the sadness and crying there was healing.  I wish them all for you and your family.  The terrible ache you feel is due to the loss of the beautiful love that you had.  I'm sure that you were a great comfort in his life, no less than he was in yours.

warm thoughts,
willy

[ladybug52]

This is the friend you took to the hospital, and fell and hurt your hip while you were recovering from your horrendous tx??
I am assuming it's the same person since you were so involved in his care while you were too sick to be caring for anyone else.....you are so sweet and caring. I know this is late, but I hope you see this and I hope you are doing better. Losing someone take so long to recover from..we never completely recover, as a part of us dies also...
Hugs,
Bug

[dlr2007]

I'm so sorry- I know how it feels to lose someone you love dearly. I truly believe that we go to a much better place when we die- so I think your friend is soaring happily in the sky now, no more worries or pain. Good for you for going on with your life, signing up for school and being strong, when you are suffering so much right now.You have plenty of living to do and your friend will be smiling down on you. The advice to let it all out, express your sadness, is very wise. Give yourself the time to grieve now and you will be better off for it later.
  Please take care of yourself and remember, it will get better... it just takes time.

Hugs and prayers,
Dee

[sfbaygirl]

Thanks so much for your thoughts. God they mean a lot ot me!  Everyone's comments have been so great. You are all family to me now, as I suffer with these illnesses and dont' get out much.  It was wonderful to see everyone yesterday. Some that were children when we met and are grown and have their own kids. My eyes are still swollen and I miss him dearly. How I go on next week when he doesn't come and stay with me?  I start school next week. My Dr. doesn't think I can do this, but I went to orientation today and am ready to go. I had to walk up about 100 steps like 5 times and did it!  I am a survivor and know I will be better going on doing this than nothing.  Yes, Bug,  that is the friend who dropped me on the floor in June. Fell asleep on his shoulder and he wanted me to see his Dr. so much that he tried to pick me up.  He weighed about what I do, 125lbs at that point....I have recovered totally from that!  

I love all your comments and thoughts...I really don't know how I would make it without the friendships that I have made here.  

Hugs to all!
Linda

[merryBe]

I need to get over to this side of the board more..
this is so sweet.....we spend a lifetime holding on....and letting go is the hardest thing. I'm glad you got to say your goodbyes...sometimes that's the hardest sentence to get out.

they say you are blessed if you can count on one hand and have it full of real true friends. these are life's most precious treasures.
So sorry you've had to lose one.....but perhaps not forever....yes?
I don't believe we are saying goodbye as much as...until then....
maryB

[sfbaygirl]

You are so right. I will remember him and one day hope to see him again.  We are lucky if we can count our friends on one hand... although here, I feel like I have so many. It makes me feel so good!  I know how much I care about people here and it is nice to know how others feel towards me.  Yep, you need to come over more often!  Thanks for you thoughts...still working on those swollen eyes, but I am grateful he is no longer in the pain he was at the end. He will always be with me, I know this!  

Hugs,
Linda