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My Life is Falling Apart
I finished treatment 9 months ago and I am SVR. You'd think I'd be doing fabulous. I finally got my strength back and I am working at a great job. Husband and I are making more money than we've ever made before. We just got a house, a car, and a truck. I have two beautiful 2 1/2 year old twins.
Three weeks ago, my husband disappeared. He left a letter that said he is addicted and currently using chrystal meth. I made him come back and I sent him to NA meetings. He went 4 times and quit.
He said that my treatment and subsequent recovery has pushed him over the edge. I haven't been on treatment since last November so I don't understand.
He is mad about taking care of me when I was sick and he is even madder that I am strong now and I don't let him walk all over me.
Husband is bad with money and I have been trying to save some so we can take a trip to Europe in the spring. He wants to spend every cent we have. Of course, I am a big b*tch bc I won't let him do it.
He is mad bc I told him to wait until our twins are potty trained before he gets a dog.
He is mad bc I spend too much time on the computer.
He took off 2 days ago and I haven't seen him since. We just bought him a truck that he left in and I owe $15,000 on it. He took the spare key. I am stuck with the payments. He says he is no longer using methamphetamines but his behavior has done a 180. He used to be sweet and caring. Now he is cold and cruel. He blames me for all that is 'bad' in his life. I am still trying to figure out what is so bad.
Any words of wisdom?
Three weeks ago, my husband disappeared. He left a letter that said he is addicted and currently using chrystal meth. I made him come back and I sent him to NA meetings. He went 4 times and quit.
He said that my treatment and subsequent recovery has pushed him over the edge. I haven't been on treatment since last November so I don't understand.
He is mad about taking care of me when I was sick and he is even madder that I am strong now and I don't let him walk all over me.
Husband is bad with money and I have been trying to save some so we can take a trip to Europe in the spring. He wants to spend every cent we have. Of course, I am a big b*tch bc I won't let him do it.
He is mad bc I told him to wait until our twins are potty trained before he gets a dog.
He is mad bc I spend too much time on the computer.
He took off 2 days ago and I haven't seen him since. We just bought him a truck that he left in and I owe $15,000 on it. He took the spare key. I am stuck with the payments. He says he is no longer using methamphetamines but his behavior has done a 180. He used to be sweet and caring. Now he is cold and cruel. He blames me for all that is 'bad' in his life. I am still trying to figure out what is so bad.
Any words of wisdom?
You have a good memory, Poison. Yes, he did and I suspect he was using that night. I was too sick to care at the time.
I lost my password and changed my email address so I couldn't get it reset, so here I am, no longer OnAPrettyPoison, but now I am PrettyPoisonNoMore!
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Please change your locks so he can't come in and clean the valuables out of your house. Didn't this guy go blow some big bucks in a strip club while you were treating?? I think all of us have had loser boyfriends/husbands and even though it hurts right now, you will be so much better off without him. You are in my prayers!
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Please change your locks so he can't come in and clean the valuables out of your house. Didn't this guy go blow some big bucks in a strip club while you were treating?? I think all of us have had loser boyfriends/husbands and even though it hurts right now, you will be so much better off without him. You are in my prayers!
funny, how time heals so much...life gives you plenty to adjust to huh? and you will, like NY said, so many of us have been there, even some of the guys! lol...with me I had some hard days, then they got fewer as time passed, till they weren't there anymore, and I just felt this TREMENDOUS sense of relief and peace...even though I still thought of him...and finally, that stopped to, you'll look back on this too soon, and be so glad it's behind you instead of in front of you, I just wish you the very best!!!!! youre kids will adjust too...no role model is always better then a bad role model...this will all work out for you! We all got your back!
Thanks again. I am doing ok today, NY. Some days are better than others. I went to marital counseling alone yesterday and that was tough but I woke up in a better frame of mind today.
My kids are asking for him and it just breaks my heart. He hasn't called for a few days. I'm guessing that he has relapsed. Almost every person on his crew at work uses drugs so I suspect he will continue to use them too. C'est la vie. It's his problem now, not mine.
My kids are asking for him and it just breaks my heart. He hasn't called for a few days. I'm guessing that he has relapsed. Almost every person on his crew at work uses drugs so I suspect he will continue to use them too. C'est la vie. It's his problem now, not mine.
Just wondering how you are doing today and hoping you are feeling good about YOURSELF.
I know, first hand, what you are going through. It will not change until he really and truly wants to be sober and accept HIS responsibility and get into a program. Believe me...promises to the addict are nothing but a lie and a way of trying to get their way - they will say and do anything to get back into the house to get more money (or recover from a bender and THEN get more money).
You know all this stuff already though. But as you can see many of us know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.
I just want you to know that each day when I see this thread my heart just breaks a little bit more.
I am hoping that you realize how strong YOU are and are standing strong for today.
Take it a day at a time. There is a reason that is so often advised. Every day that passes you will get a little more health back into your heart.
You know NONE of this is your fault. You know in here we wouldn't bother to lie don't you? And if you look at this thread EVERYONE has tried to build you up.
Stay strong for today and remember that we do all care for you and are here to do whatever we can to help you.
I know, first hand, what you are going through. It will not change until he really and truly wants to be sober and accept HIS responsibility and get into a program. Believe me...promises to the addict are nothing but a lie and a way of trying to get their way - they will say and do anything to get back into the house to get more money (or recover from a bender and THEN get more money).
You know all this stuff already though. But as you can see many of us know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.
I just want you to know that each day when I see this thread my heart just breaks a little bit more.
I am hoping that you realize how strong YOU are and are standing strong for today.
Take it a day at a time. There is a reason that is so often advised. Every day that passes you will get a little more health back into your heart.
You know NONE of this is your fault. You know in here we wouldn't bother to lie don't you? And if you look at this thread EVERYONE has tried to build you up.
Stay strong for today and remember that we do all care for you and are here to do whatever we can to help you.
Just remember that things will look different in a few months, he will try to come back into your life and there will be very trying times ahead, keep a clear head and be strong for you and your kids...hugs :) shelly
Your stories make me want to cry. It's so hard living with an addict, or living w/o an addict you love.
The wonderful thing is that you both have children who are always a true source of unconditional love. The worst thing about life with an addict is that they are soooo crazy and selfish and manipulative, they turn it all around and make you out to be the crazy selfish person. You know that you aren't, but it's frustrating trying to convince them otherwise. You can't change their way of thinking and it's wasted energy.
Dee so glad you know how crazy it is to feel guilt, yet it's sitll sometimes there when you think "what if?" I speak from experience.
Alady, try to stay strong and try to remember this pain if he tries to come back into your life again.
Hugs to you both and prayers for serenity.
Bug
The wonderful thing is that you both have children who are always a true source of unconditional love. The worst thing about life with an addict is that they are soooo crazy and selfish and manipulative, they turn it all around and make you out to be the crazy selfish person. You know that you aren't, but it's frustrating trying to convince them otherwise. You can't change their way of thinking and it's wasted energy.
Dee so glad you know how crazy it is to feel guilt, yet it's sitll sometimes there when you think "what if?" I speak from experience.
Alady, try to stay strong and try to remember this pain if he tries to come back into your life again.
Hugs to you both and prayers for serenity.
Bug
You are better off - it will just take you some time to realize that.
If you still love him - and he finishes rehab or some treatment - or "miraculously" cleans up (and really does) then maybe you can work things out.
Those things he is saying girl --- let me tell you --- they are words he uses to make himself feel better about the horrible thing he has become.
You are strong - and you will survive this with great tenacity and come out shining beautiful!
I'm still sending you tons of hugs and love - you need them --- look at your beautiful children - and remember that you are their sole source of love!
Meki
If you still love him - and he finishes rehab or some treatment - or "miraculously" cleans up (and really does) then maybe you can work things out.
Those things he is saying girl --- let me tell you --- they are words he uses to make himself feel better about the horrible thing he has become.
You are strong - and you will survive this with great tenacity and come out shining beautiful!
I'm still sending you tons of hugs and love - you need them --- look at your beautiful children - and remember that you are their sole source of love!
Meki
I am sorry about your husband. I guess the kids and I are better off that mine has gone ahead and left. I really don't want to deal with the same stuff over and over again.
Hi- I'm so sorry you're going thru this, I know it's terrible. Everyone has given you great advice. I went through a similar situation with my kid's father. After I had my 1st baby, he went to rehab after driving me crazy with worry my whole pregnancy. While in rehab, he "fell in love" with another girl. Horribly painful for me- I was newly clean too. We worked things out somehow and guess what? After baby #2, 3 years later, he relapsed and I went thru the same **** all over again! I too was told that I was so impossible to live with, he "had" to use drugs just to stand me. He said such brutal things to me- and worse of all, commanded me not to tell anyone about his problem. Like a fool, I struggled alone.
End result was, we split up when the kids were 3 and 6. He OD'd 6 months later. We can't save anyone, no matter how we try. I blamed myself for a while and then realised, it's just not my fault! You need to take care of yourself. Your being sick had nothing to do with his addiction or his supposedly falling out of love with you. He's just blaming you to avoid taking responsibility. You sound like a strong, smart and wonderful person- you'll get through this! Please don't let this guy make you feel like his using and cruelty are your fault.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
-Dee
End result was, we split up when the kids were 3 and 6. He OD'd 6 months later. We can't save anyone, no matter how we try. I blamed myself for a while and then realised, it's just not my fault! You need to take care of yourself. Your being sick had nothing to do with his addiction or his supposedly falling out of love with you. He's just blaming you to avoid taking responsibility. You sound like a strong, smart and wonderful person- you'll get through this! Please don't let this guy make you feel like his using and cruelty are your fault.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
-Dee
I am pulling for you and I know things will work out..Keep faith in yourself..HUGS :) shelly
I do not have any advice, but I really just want to send you a big hug. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I DO know however, that you are an AMAZINGLY STRONG woman who will do what is right for YOU and your beautiful babies. Please lean on this forum. I don't post much anymore, but I will be checking in to keep up with you and lend support. Keeping you and those sweet babies in my prayers!
so glad that you are getting such good support here, and some very good advice...but with me at least, I intellectually knew all that I should be doing, always had good grades in school and went to college, etc...so knowing wasn't my problem, doing was...I was so tied to that guy emotionally....
I had the tremendous good fortune (though I wouldn't of said so at the time, no way) of having that guy leave me...I might of stayed on longer, I don't know, I like to think I would of left on my own, but truthfully, I couldn't tell you if I would of have, I might of stayed in that shite a lot longer at my own peril...so he left me and I had to deal with it, like i've said before, I still thank him to this day! What a solid he did me!!!! honestly!
My life got soooooo much better after I got over all of that, so much better! Please hang on to that...youre life will get much better!
Peace of mind has no price, and that will come to you once this guy is GONE out of your life! It's not easy, but you'll do it...
the mind is funny, especially when it's really used to something...and what can happen if your breaking up with someone, is that you will sit and think of all your *good* days, what a wonderful guy this guys was, etc etc...
the subconscious can have a wicked sense of humor sometimes...when I did that, what I did is was make a list of all the things he did that were bad, and cruel, and heartless and selfish...
that way, I didn't just "pick at scabs" by sitting there thinking of all the "good old days" of being with HIM....
I needed to do that at the time, to help me get over those rough patches of thinking so much of him, that and a lot of other things I did really helped...
course now i wouldn't do that, cause I'm long over him and I don't like to get into negativity and resentments, resentments and revenge are a waste of time and good energy...
But *that* kind of negativity, at the right time, can really help...it can help put you in the right perspective when you need perspective...we who love so much can get out of perspective sometimes about people who could do us harm...when we're much better off without them in our lives...
There are many exercises you can do like this, also laundry lists of all that you have to accomplish, etc...and all the good things youre going to do, the good things youre going to do for you kids, the places you can go, the wonderful things....that positive stuff you can do for mapping out your future, can help put you in a better place too...there are many of these types of things in books and stuff, about breaking up...as corny as they sound, they can really help...! Best of luck to you, I'm glad your getting on with things in your much better future!
I had the tremendous good fortune (though I wouldn't of said so at the time, no way) of having that guy leave me...I might of stayed on longer, I don't know, I like to think I would of left on my own, but truthfully, I couldn't tell you if I would of have, I might of stayed in that shite a lot longer at my own peril...so he left me and I had to deal with it, like i've said before, I still thank him to this day! What a solid he did me!!!! honestly!
My life got soooooo much better after I got over all of that, so much better! Please hang on to that...youre life will get much better!
Peace of mind has no price, and that will come to you once this guy is GONE out of your life! It's not easy, but you'll do it...
the mind is funny, especially when it's really used to something...and what can happen if your breaking up with someone, is that you will sit and think of all your *good* days, what a wonderful guy this guys was, etc etc...
the subconscious can have a wicked sense of humor sometimes...when I did that, what I did is was make a list of all the things he did that were bad, and cruel, and heartless and selfish...
that way, I didn't just "pick at scabs" by sitting there thinking of all the "good old days" of being with HIM....
I needed to do that at the time, to help me get over those rough patches of thinking so much of him, that and a lot of other things I did really helped...
course now i wouldn't do that, cause I'm long over him and I don't like to get into negativity and resentments, resentments and revenge are a waste of time and good energy...
But *that* kind of negativity, at the right time, can really help...it can help put you in the right perspective when you need perspective...we who love so much can get out of perspective sometimes about people who could do us harm...when we're much better off without them in our lives...
There are many exercises you can do like this, also laundry lists of all that you have to accomplish, etc...and all the good things youre going to do, the good things youre going to do for you kids, the places you can go, the wonderful things....that positive stuff you can do for mapping out your future, can help put you in a better place too...there are many of these types of things in books and stuff, about breaking up...as corny as they sound, they can really help...! Best of luck to you, I'm glad your getting on with things in your much better future!
I am so sorry to hear this but I did expect it. Please don't let this drag you down...you and your kids are the number one most important thing...don't let him interfere with your life right now...move on you deserve much better....I am praying for you lots of hugs:) shelly
i am so sorry you are having to go thru this...my husband just recently told me he wasn't "in love" with me any more too......love is a choice...it's not a feeling something we fall in or out of...we choose to love, thru good and bad....when i hear people say they've fallen out of love, it leaves me to believe they are really immature. protect yourself...it's easy sometimes to want to go back to what we know because it feels comfortable or safe..., even tho your husband is in a program,meth gets a wicked grip on people.. just really think of your kids and you first. make sure you all are protected....we are all thinking of you, and hope things look up soon...sending you love and
blessings, julie
blessings, julie
My goodness. You sure are going through alot. You must be One Tough Chick.
I sincerely hope that things work out for you, quickly. I know how hard it is to deal with separation from someone you love, but with everything else you're going through too.....my, my.
Know that there are alot of people who are thinking of you, and keep your chin up - it will get better.
Day
I sincerely hope that things work out for you, quickly. I know how hard it is to deal with separation from someone you love, but with everything else you're going through too.....my, my.
Know that there are alot of people who are thinking of you, and keep your chin up - it will get better.
Day
I have had you in my thoughts as of late...I hope you are doing better...I wish you the best ...HUGS :) shelly
I don't know which is worse, a spouse who doesn't want to really 'be there' but doesn't say it out loud, or one who is blatantly voicing his feelings and walking out the door? It's hard to say. What is best is a spouse who means the words "for better or worse" and stays in it for the long haul and really loves you. When you have that type of relationship, you have a real wonderful thing and should count your blessings. I haven't ever had the type of husband who really was there w/his heart. My 1st one was only there for 2 yrs and had drugs in it and the 2nd one has never lived in the same home with me even though we married. Fortunately, I have family and friends and most of all the Lord.
Susan
Susan
Don't waste anymore time on him...hes a loser trust me. I was married 22 years up till 4 years ago when my husband walked in the door said he never loved me and wanted out. He never wanted children so i never had them, i wasted all those years on a man that ended up walking out. I walked away and never looked back.
"One thing I learned last week is that I can do it on my own if I have to.'
Rock the heck on!
That's a positive thought - and I LIKE THAT!
Hugs,
Meki
Rock the heck on!
That's a positive thought - and I LIKE THAT!
Hugs,
Meki
If you can move to a different area (I know you have kids and that may be hard), but you should have a clean break, if you can. I had to totally get away from the people in my life that were also using in order to get to my own place of sobriety. Fortunately for my son and I, I had parents living in a state many hundreds of miles further south. I was able to have a way to turn my back on all of the people that I knew who were using, supplying it to me, etc. It still took several years of counseling and getting through the alcohol addiction part of it, which was actually harder for me to deal with than the drugs, but I made it (by God's grace). Do you have somewhere you could escape to be far enough away from him trying to always be coming around giving you his cr*p? I wish only the best for you and your kids.
Susan
Susan
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