My Life is Falling Apart

[Alady1620]

I finished treatment 9 months ago and I am SVR.  You'd think I'd be doing fabulous.  I finally got my strength back and I am working at a great job.  Husband and I are making more money than we've ever made before.  We just got a house, a car, and a truck.  I have two beautiful 2 1/2 year old twins.

Three weeks ago, my husband disappeared.  He left a letter that said he is addicted and currently using chrystal meth.  I made him come back and I sent him to NA meetings.  He went 4 times and quit.

He said that my treatment and subsequent recovery has pushed him over the edge.  I haven't been on treatment since last November so I don't understand.

He is mad about taking care of me when I was sick and he is even madder that I am strong now and I don't let him walk all over me.  

Husband is bad with money and I have been trying to save some so we can take a trip to Europe in the spring.  He wants to spend every cent we have.  Of course, I am a big b*tch bc I won't let him do it.

He is mad bc I told him to wait until our twins are potty trained before he gets a dog.

He is mad bc I spend too much time on the computer.

He took off 2 days ago and I haven't seen him since.  We just bought him a truck that he left in and I owe $15,000 on it.  He took the spare key.  I am stuck with the payments.  He says he is no longer using methamphetamines but his behavior has done a 180.  He used to be sweet and caring.  Now he is cold and cruel.  He blames me for all that is 'bad' in his life.  I am still trying to figure out what is so bad.

Any words of wisdom?

[susan400]

I am so sorry that you're going through this.  Addiction is a really hard thing for people to deal with.  Have you thought about getting into a support type of group for families of a substance abuser?  I don't know if that would be something that you'd even be interested in, but it would give you some more understanding ears (in person).  I watch a show on A & E sometimes called Intervention.  His using drugs is not your fault!   Don't listen to his ramblings because he is speaking in an addicts mode.   Unfortunately, until he decides that he's unable to live that way, then he won't be able to stop living that way.  But, you don't have to live that way.  You can make it hard for him to get away with dragging you down.  Is the truck in your name?  Would you be able to possibly report him to the police, which would bring about a stolen vehicle report, which would help you to locate him and get the truck back?    I'm sorry, I can't fix this for you, just trying to give you some ideas to work with.

Take care of yourself and your kids, first and everything else will be worked out.

Susan

[Alady1620]

Unfortunately, I was a trusting wife and the title is in both of our names so he is legally driving it.  

[goldyn]

Alady i remember  when you just started treatment he started acting up..i hope he straightend out long enough so you could do your treatment sounds like he might have...I think how he sees it now that your the cause of everything his addiction....his spending money or rather keeping his money so he cant get dope..deep down he knows your right but he is on a downward spiral....all you really can do is pray for him and offer him help with his addiction...mainly what you need to concentrate on is how you and the twins are going to function without him its up to you as in so many cases to be strong and keep those kids safe and happy..
                               My prayers go out for you and your family
                                      Goldyn

[Alady1620]

Husband swears he is not on meth now but I don't believe him.  I don't know how to prove that he is still on it.

Is it possible to totally quit overnight?  I don't think so.

Also, he has personality changes.

Thanks for your responses so far.  

[l-horn]

I have a brother addicted to meth for years. Hard to do, but you gotta kick him to the curb. It'll only bring you down.

[l-horn]

Kick meth 'overnight' ?.  It's the only way it CAN be done. You don't quit meth or drugs a 'little at a time'.   I quit doing meth *snap* like that. Overnight. Just got tired of it and saw what it was doing to my body. Plus, you know, it's illegal so buying it and carrying is a huge risk. Oh yeah, then I had that trip to the ER. That did it for me. This just in, meth.... is a dangerous drug. They all are, but people don't want to think it will happen to them. Not to mention the havoc it wreaks on yours and others lives.

The problem with quitting meth or any other drug/habit, is you MUST drop your friends/family that are doing it. If you keep hanging out with 'em,  you're asking for trouble. End of story.

It requires a total shift in ones thinking. An 'epiphany' as it were.

Good luck to him. Tell him he can do it and be supportive, but at the same time, you have to 'draw that line in the sand' with him.

[anise]

Here I am concerned about a dumb photo and you are feeling so down.  

I am so sorry about what has happened in your life.  I hope things look up for you soon.  You have won over one adversity in your life (hep c), you will also win again.  You have so much going for you, Hep free and 2 baby twins. My thoughts are with you.

[honey11]

Alady,,Sorry that this is happening after you finish tx and think you are smooth sailing.  Like everyone said,,,meth is bad and does change your personality.  I have a family member now addicted to meth and its tearing their family apart.  And no,,,you can't quit over night.  It takes a very strong person and rehab to get through.   You say he is mad for this and mad for that but he is looking for reasons to put blame elsewhere.  And unfortunately,,,you can't force them to get help unless they want to.  Sounds like you are in good position,,financally and have a good job,,,,right?   If this is the case,,,,then all you can do for him now,,,is be supportive if he wants help but be there for your twins and don't let him bring you and the kids down.  Its definitely a hard road for all involved and wish I had more positive things to say to you but Meth is the worse!!

[FullOfHope77]

I-horn nailed it... my brother, surprised still alive, will lie and say he doesn't do it but know that he is. All the evidence is there including the psychosis... the only way is the hard way. 'to the curb' as I-horn says. No other way, it's all or nothing. Sad but true and the relapses that usually go with it... tough love is the only way to fight that one. sorry but truth is best in this case.

[northstar]

Drugs (esp. any speed) are very cruel, and they do not discriminate as to who they destroy. Your skincolor doesnt matter, social status, upbringing, nor does it matter if your well educated. It is a drug straight from hell, it is so deceiving, the deceived dont even know they are being deceived. It strikes anybody, anytime, anywhere, the only way to not get caught, is to simply not go for the first hit. We have a tendancy to think somehow "we are different"  "that wont happen to me" "I'll be smart and only do it once to see what it's like"  "I will only do it on week-ends" "I will never buy it, I will only indulge at parties if I get it for free".....................on and on and on and on.............we can believe our own lies, many of us here have "BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT" I am one of those dummies. Nobody could help................but they were smart if they at least did NOTHING to ENABLE me. I had to hit my own rock bottom. I had to want it more than I wanted what I was doing. It sounds like a depressing thought, to think that you cant make somebody stop doing the very thing that will kill them, while the spirits of everyone around them is also drug through hell with worry, fear, anger,  ect.
We can pray for those that are trapped in such dark holes of bondage. Prayer is powerful, and is the only thing that may help a lost soul. Because right now, thats what they are,....lost, and they dont even know it. Their thinking is so twisted, that at best,.....they could stop if everyone around them were different, if they would change, if things were better, the black hole never seems larger than when your falling in it.
I am so touched by your story and the pain that is so obvious to anyone reading. I wish they was a magic word, or touch, or thing. Unfortunately,  the scariest part is that the decision is in the hands of the person who is presently "delussional" Pray that the eyes of his heart are opened, and his ears become unplugged, and that he may recognize "truth" when he hears it. I will pray for you too.
It can certainly be done, God let me live just so I could testify to this fact.
Is 58:11

[Forseegood]

So, so sorry youre going through this, unfortunately, you are not alone in these types of situations, they happen more frequently then people would like to think....I'm glad you have this forum to seek some comfort, but you might have thought of getting some more "hands on" support from programs like Al-aon...(also remember, if you do go to some meetings, some meetings are a better fit for some people then others, so keep trying if you want)

You've already gotten some really good advice here, but all I can tell you, is that I was involved with someone with similar problems (just different substances)...course, fortunately, we didn't have kids in the mix, which would probably make it soooo much harder, but the only way out *for me* was Al-anon, because this guy's behaviors were literally driving me crazy...and in such a state, I actually believed his drivel that it was mostly *my* fault, etc etc....

Addicts can develop  really good coping mechanisms for themselves, which help to keep them addicted, one of which is blaming everyone around them, particularly those they are closest to...

If he took all the responsibility for his own actions, he might have to think about doing something about them, which is the last thing he probably wants to do right now, he's gotta have a guilty party in his own mind, so he won't have to experience the intense guilt he must be feeling from time to time...we can all blame any number of things that drive us off the bend, the trick is to keep on going with our sanity in tact, that's just life as I see it...

Please realize this is his own path, and hopefully he'll come to terms with his own addictions and behaviors, I hope for everyone's sake he does, but right now you have to take care of YOURSELF and the rest of your family as best you can, and seek support and comfort for yourself, cause with the things that youre going through right now, it's dang hard to do on your own...hopefully, you also have friends and family to help gather around you, and remember, it's hard enough to change our own actions, there's little we can do to change other people's actions....

Please know, that no matter how bleak and horrible you think things are now, it will get better, with a little pro-activity on your own, though I know the thing you probably want to do most is just be stuck and sit in a corner...believe me, I've been there....who feels like being pro-active when youre feeling so scared and miserable? It's just usually the only way out....to my way of thinking...

You and your family will be okay, as hard as that is to imagine, the more you do to help yourself, the better you'll feel, I promise you...I've only told you what worked best for me and many people that I know, I realize you might have other ideas, that's fine too, just best of luck with this, peace of mind to you and yours....

[Tater_ToT]

This is so sad, & I am very sorry you are in this situation... I have to agree with North Star... because If anything else worked... I'd of already FIXED my daughter!

My youngest (19.. & part of the reason I am raising my grandson) is addicted to that mess... (although she "claims" she is not & says she has quit) Yea Right....

The things your hubby is doing sounds all too familier.... my daughter is half way across the country & she finds reasons to get mad at me to justify her ongoing sporadic disappearances...

I usually hear from her when things have spiraled out of control & she needs immediate rescuing ... which is getting harder & harder to do, especially long distance... she's at the point where only two things are going to happen
a)... she'll go to jail
b) she'll wind up dead

She has this entire SECRET Life, & is not capable of making good or rational decisions & has NO initiative to do anything other than what she wants to do... which is drugs!

I realize folks dealing with these addictions NEED HELP... but I sure haven't figured out a way to FORCE them to do it.... they have to want to do it for themselves, or it'll never work & cause further resentments...

It's a vicious cycle, & legally there is not much you can do because they are adults!

This is where prayer comes in... It sure is all I've got & all I have to offer...
You are on my list (which is getting Quite LONG)... but there is always room for one more!

Hang in there & Keep the faith!
:)

[Htownwife]

You've already proven how strong you are by undergoing treatment and kicking this bug.
Thank God you've already done this because you're going to need every bit of your strength to get through what you have ahead of you.
Don't think for a minute that your recovery and treatment kicked him over the edge....he did that all by himself!!
Until he admits he has a problem and goes for help, he's not going to get better, and he'll continue to blame you.
I agree you should join a support group and get help from others who are going through the same thing you are.
I wish I could do more to help in the way of advice...but I will pray for you and your family. Just remember to lean on the one who knows what you, your husband, and twins need right now ,and who wants your husband to be strong and well for all of you.

[meki]

OK - I'm evil... does it say AND or OR on the Registration?

If it says OR... You could go down and take his name off of it.

If it says AND - then both of you need to go down and sign to change it.

HOWEVER - a good attorney works wonders in a case like this.

It sounds like you have a jerk of a man who decided to turn into a little boy.

OH - too freaking bad you got sick... Too freaking bad the real world crashed on him.

Give him up - tell that loser to take a hike - close up your bank accounts and change the locks on the house.

Get a restraining order - get the truck ordered to you by a judge - sell it.

Don't let any human being treat you like dog pooh.

And if he has an addiction - and he gets cleaned up, that's one thing. But now that you have your life together and you have children - you need to take care of yourself - and that doesn't include a complete arsehole who is going through a mini-mid-life crisis - just when you need him the most.

He married you - for better or worse..

That doesn't mean he only gets to treat you good when it's better --- that means he treats you good when it's worse too.

And you don't have to put up with that abusive type of behavior.

Go girl - enjoy your life --- you can do it without him.

There are a zillion men out there who would love to take care of a kind, gentle woman - who has her goals set ahead of her.

good Luck.

Meki

[Alady1620]

Thanks for your kind words.  He just came over to visit.  It was the same story...

He says that he's not 'in-love' with me anymore.  He doesn't think we can make it work.  He is abandoning his family.  Oh yeah, and the best part was him telling me that I did all of this to us.  He fell out of love with me when I was sick.  He nursed me back to health and now it's ok to leave.

Did I mentioned that he drained our accounts $850 yesterday?  I've already closed them but I barely have enough to pay the bills now.  He didn't leave me any money either.  Childcare is going to take up half of the money I make each month.

Oh, and he told me that he hasn't wanted any drugs since he left me.  That I was making him so miserable that it made him turn to drugs.

[Dominic777]

I agree with everything Meki said.  I am a drug addict myself (clean 15yrs) And I can tell you first hand that you caused none of this. You do not have the power to make him into an addict. That is his excuse for his behavior. Active drug addicts always have to blame something or someone for their situation....it is the nature of the illness. I'm sorry if my words sound harsh but I just have to tell you like it is. Please protect yourself with the finances and try to find a support group. God bless you..I know you are having a hard time.

[Forseegood]

I'll try to phrase this delicately, cause I know youre in a lot of pain...it's weird how horribly painful my wholly dysfunctional *relationship* was.... worse in a lot of ways then any of the others, cause I guess you invest so much in this person - and what they mostly try to do is humiliate you and treat you like dog doodie...

At least if you break-up with a more honorable person, you don't have this humiliation factor to deal with, that is so hurtful and embarrassing....you just break-up and both parties move on...you don't have to deal with this jerk telling you youre the reason for all his problems (or jerkette, females do this stuff as well)

All I can say is I've been there...and, even though I consider myself a moderately intelligent person, I wasn't very familiar with a lot of the emotional stuff going on in these types of dynamics.....and I actually believed *John* when he told me that I was the reason for his day and night drinking, womanizing and day and night marajuna use.......there was nothing *moderate* in this guy's behavior...he would of blamed me for his razor rash if I would of let him....he told me that he was sure that once we broke up and I was out of his life, he'd get his self-esteem and dignity back, and move on with his career in a much more pro-active way, blah, blah, blah, blah....

Well Bingo! we have a friend in common....and all that with him was over 15 years ago and he is still doing the same shite, just a lot more of it...and his career went down the drain.... just with a few different women...he's had 3 girlfriends and one wife since me...(betcha I have a few things to talk about with those women, ha ha! But that's another story)....he's history, and I wish I could have back all the years I wasted on that guy, but maybe he was in my life for a reason, to teach me what I need to know about myself, and what I DON'T want in a guy....

But at the time I was in such tremendous pain I thought I was going to go crazy, and al-anon saved my life, really...I don't know what I would of done without that program...when youre in a room with a bunch of people going through the same stuff, you start to get perspective, and you help each other out, and before long, you start being able to actually laugh about some of the things we all went through, oddly enough...whatever you do, don't believe his BS, and seek some help for yourself, where ever that may be...you need it right now...best of luck, (remember love yourself and your kids! they need you!)

[hippygem]

Sorry all this is happening to you.  He was obviously waiting for the right time to leave you, unfortunately he has taken the "blame it on you" attitude.  Im glad you changed your account details, can you get help from social security etc for help with the children and expenses, I guess that depends on what income you are making yourself.

Dont waste time on being bitter and revengeful etc, just let it go and get on with your life, it will take a bit of time to get used to being on your own, but things will work out all right for you eventually, you just have to get over the next few months.  Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong and have achieved so much especially with your hepatitis c.  You have two lovely twins, look to their future and your own.
I wish you well.

[Forseegood]

gee, in re-reading my post, I might sound revengeful...I hope I don't, cause I don't mean to be, I actually thank that guy and that relationship, cause after him and what I went through, my life got a whole lot better, much, much better.... I learned about addiction issues, etc...and I've had much better luck since then in my relationships, and an important one, to myself as well...I liked your advice...

Anyway, how are you faring? I hope youre doing well, it's always nice to see you here and elsewhere...be well...

[meki]

"Thanks for your kind words.  He just came over to visit.  It was the same story... "

You're very welcome --- and I'm so very sorry.

"He says that he's not 'in-love' with me anymore."

Nope... He's not... Because something ELSE has him wrapped around his finger.

Get mad --- but most of all GET GLAD... You don't need this scumbag in your life!



  "He doesn't think we can make it work."


Ahhh... what? We should feel sorry for him? What... A little hard work and he's off running to whatever else he can find? ahhh... Poor baby... Go home to momma and see how long she'll put up with his attitude.



  "He is abandoning his family."

Hmmm... Methinks the family doesn't need an abusive, lying, scumsucking jerk like that around... Maybe he is doing you an absolutely wonderful favor.

" Oh yeah, and the best part was him telling me that I did all of this to us."

Oh right... and wait ---- there's a boogeyman in the closet... And the devil made him do it... Right-O. Yeah...

" He fell out of love with me when I was sick."

Well.. about the only thing that he's honest about... It's ok to fall out of love with someone. **** happens... But dang... What a flying ****.


  "He nursed me back to health and now it's ok to leave. "

Did he really? I mean - was he really there? Look back and think about it... Did he just keep the kids a little more quiet? (His own kids mind you... His responsibility... ) Or did he get you a glass of water when the meds knocked you on your butt and you couldn't get out of bed? Did he wash your clothes.

In fact - I'll lay 10-1 odds, you were probably up, fighting your nausea, dealing with all the aches, pains and massive sides --- and doing laundry --- still cooking his dinner or his lunch and packing him off to work. Probably still ironing his clothes... and making sure he had the free time to watch his television shows... Oh --- and letting him use the computer when HE wanted to.

I'll bet he's having a grand old time spending YOUR money... (cause being married makes EVERYTHING HALF...) Snorting it, slamming it - or whatever he is doing with it --- on someone else and WITH someone else.

So taking care of you... Huh?

Yeah - like I'll believe that in a million years.

What does your hubby need? (Besides a swift kick in the hinnie?) A reality check... a treatment facility and a bachelor apartment and CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS.


"Did I mentioned that he drained our accounts $850 yesterday?
  I've already closed them but I barely have enough to pay the bills now.  He didn't leave me any money either.  Childcare is going to take up half of the money I make each month."

Drugs do that to people --- sometimes some people are just SELFISH PIGS - and they don't even need the drugs to be like that.

BUT KNOW THIS --- You are one hundred percent BETTER off without him. Trust me...

It may feel like a rock hard kick in the gut...

You may feel like you're the most worthless person right now --- because you're thinking... Hey --- my scumbag of a husband can't even love me...

But slap yourself across the face --- go splash some cold water on your face...

Get a grip on yourself. TRUST ME... This jerk has done you a FAVOR.

Now don't let him back EVER - unless he has gone through the complete 12 step. Or some sort of Treatment.


"Oh, and he told me that he hasn't wanted any drugs since he left me.  That I was making him so miserable that it made him turn to drugs. "

He's lying.

Point blank.

People who are addicted to drugs will do or say anything to get them and to lay the blame elsewhere.

They get off on making others feel insignificant. They hurt others.

If he can make you feel insignificant - maybe you will try to be "better" towards him... maybe give him money... so he can go get some more.

It's a sick, demented world.

And the abuse is just the begining.

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

Girl - nothing I can say can tell you that he doesn't deserve to have a family right now.

Nothing I can say to you that your whole world is full of lies and deceit.

All I can say is hang on. There are going to be some serious repercussions. Get yourself a good lawyer.

Get yourself some family support

Get yourself to any group support you can.

You've just described a very dangerous situation.

CHANGE YOUR LOCKS.

Have a family friend over --- or someone who can keep an eye on you.

Get a restraining order. PROTECT yourself and your family.

You may say he won't get dangerous. He's doing drugs. He's already dangerous. He's already proven he is untrustworthy.

I'll lay 10-1 odds that the drug use was going on all the time, where you weren't aware of it --- or for quite some time. I'll bet if you look back into the finances you'll find chunks missing.

Change your Credit Cards NOW. Cash advances can suck the life out of you - check your credit report --- check your banks and all of your savings.

Next --- file for divorce.

I'm telling you... Protect yourself now.

OK - what I say may be harsh - but I have friends who've been there... I work in the police industry. Trust me when I say... I've seen it all.

You DESERVE BETTER.

BELIEVE THAT!

Meki

[meki]

Those filtered **** words up there weren't uhm... bad words... Honest. LOL!

[Forseegood]

you seem like a really interesting person, with a lot of chutzpa, it's nice to have you here on this board....

[ladybug52]

So sad to hear that the same old excuse "You drove me to this!" is still being used. Look him in the eye and tell him you are not responsible for his choices. He's in charge of his own life. My kids used to say "Mom I'm sorry for making you mad" I always responded, "You can' t make me mad. I have control over my feelings and responses. If I get mad, that's my fault, not yours"
Turn that around on him and ,make him responsible for his behavior. Good luck, in his state, he won't listen. My heart goes out to you and the kids.
Bug

[travelwhim]

Change the locks. I'll be praying for you. Meth kills anyone in it's path. We're all lucky to be alive. Don't temp God twice.

[dperry10]

I am so sorry to hear this, I know what you are going thru.  My ex husband had the same problem.   We were married 20 years, and he started doing coke.  I tried to make him realize what he was doing to himself and our marriage.   After a few years of him cheating and taking money out quicker than I could pay the bills. I finally decided to leave him.   I separated myself from him and from all the friends we were hanging out with, and I moved to another city.  So not to be around any of them.   I changed everything, and everything changed.  I was happy again, I had some money left over each month, instead of trying to figure out which bill to pay this month., and getting deeper and deeper.

It seems like alot to deal with right now, but sometimes you have to make a decision that is going to change your own life, rather then trying to make someone else change theirs.   They can only change if they want.   They have to hit that rock bottom first.    Some realize it, and some just give up and worse happens.  Reading all this brought back alot of sad memories, and had me in tears.   I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  But please do get some help for yourself.    Get some support in person.  It helps.  Although everyone here is supportive for you,  A hug always feels good.   Keep your chin up and find some help for you and the babies..

[hippygem]

Hi, your post didn't sound vengeful, you moved on and you also learnt from it all as did I.  Same thing happened to me with my ex hubby, he used to beat me up all the time (he was an ex drug user and he infected me with hep c from the blood to blood contact from the beatings).  I ran away, left town at midnight, started a new life, new city.   That was 19 years ago now, and it was the best thing i ever did.  I'm happy, have a wonderful man in my life now, sons are 23 and 25 and doing great.
3 years ago I got a lawyer, set a victim of crime claim against my husband for giving me hep c,  2 weeks ago I won the case, claim accepted and it is now documented.  Now I feel justified.
Now I learn to live with hep c, and hope for a cure.

[mustangshelly]

I am reading your post and crying out for you. I am saying this because I do understand the actions that addicts on meth do not make any sense. I am sure he will be back.
I used to be a heavy user of meth, did alot everyday for 3 years straight. I am ashamed of that part of my life. I moved and quit and God willing have been clean for 17 years. I do not want that life back, I lost everything.
I can say that  it will affect his actions and he will lie to you, this drug is very hard to get off...sucess rate used to be 4%...I don't know what it is now.
YOU NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIM and worry about you and your kids. Leave if you can or keep him away for awhile. Get a lawyer if need be and take back your life. You survived tx this is a piece of cake. Whatever he may say might be hurtful but remember that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and he is a jerk for blaming you and tx for his stupid actions!
Girl my prayers are with you, Please don't sit back and take this....hugs:) shelly

[frijole]

I am so sorry this has happened.  Do what you can to protect yourself, especially financially.  Sounds like you have already closed all the bank accounts.  Better cancel all the credit cards too and take out some new ones in only your name.  Do it before he destroys your credit.  

This has happened to  several people here.  Not the speed, but relationships falling apart.  Frankly he sounds immature and irresponsible.  You said you have children in daycare so he has abandoned them too?

The treatment for hepatitis C takes a lot out of a relationship. I worried about mine too, but it held solid.  I do find it hard to believe that the drug use was just all of the sudden.  Perhaps there were signs you could not see, buried in tx.

Alady, take care of yourself.  It is hard to believef he is not interested in saving a 27 year old marriage but if that is the case, do what you have to.  YOu said the day care would take half your wage.  You probably need to speak with an attorney.  If you don't want to file for divorce perhaps he can draw up documents whereby you husband would have to pay child support during the separation.  

I know this is so very hard.  Please take care of yourself

frijole

[Alady1620]

Thanks again.  Your support means a lot to me during this trying period.

[meki]

Alady - I was thinking about you today - here's sending you positive thoughts and hopes for happiness in your future.

Meki

[ShoshanaPNW]

What everybody's said--plus, and I'm sure you know this--if the topic of reconciliation and sex comes up, no sex without protection until he's cleared by a doctor. You didn't do this treatment in order to get HIV or something else from whatever behavior he may have been engaging in while he's been using.

[Alady1620]

My husband is in an outpatient treatment program now.  We'll see how long it lasts.  I don't have a lot of hope of repairing our marriage even if he does get off drugs.  I don't trust him anymore.  I guess i'll have to wait and see what happens.

[FullOfHope77]

I just saw that you were from TN... I grew up there and love the area very much. I got your well wishes on my study as well and wanted to thankyou very much for your thoughts and appreciate your encouragement. I had a tough night last night but that's Friday night and seems that's the night that we have it the hardest while in tx. I am so sorry for your situation and just know that somehow and someway that things will work out for the best for you. I know it seems really dark right now and that stuff that is going around down there seems to be worse than the stuff anywhere else... since my brother lives there and I've seen what it's done to him I am naturally very scared towards what that stuff can do to someone. Over and over again I've seen it rip up people and spit them out and they are nothing compared to what they were before it got them. Neverthelesss, I'm choosing to believe that your husband will wake up and come back to life and realize how crazy that stuff is and will go to a higher path.

Blessings to you and your children!

[Alady1620]

Thanks again to everybody.  Things are still pretty miserable but I have tied up most of the financial loose ends so, when he bails again, I will be able to take care of the babies.  One thing I learned last week is that I can do it on my own if I have to.

[susan400]

If you can move to a different area (I know you have kids and that may be hard), but you should have a clean break, if you can.  I had to totally get away from the people in my life that were also using in order to get to my own place of sobriety.  Fortunately for my son and I, I had parents living in a state many hundreds of miles further south.  I was able to have a way to turn my back on all of the people that I knew who were using, supplying it to me, etc.  It still took several years of counseling and getting through the alcohol addiction part of it, which was actually harder for me to deal with than the drugs, but I made it (by God's grace).  Do you have somewhere you could escape to be far enough away from him trying to always be coming around giving you his cr*p?    I wish only the best for you and your kids.

Susan

[meki]

"One thing I learned last week is that I can do it on my own if I have to.'


Rock the heck on!

That's a positive thought - and I LIKE THAT!

Hugs,

Meki

[JodyLynn]

Don't waste anymore time on him...hes a loser trust me. I was married 22 years up till 4 years ago when my husband walked in the door said he never loved me and wanted out. He never wanted children so i never had them, i wasted all those years on a man that ended up walking out. I walked away and never looked back.

[susan400]

I don't know which is worse, a spouse who doesn't want to really 'be there' but doesn't say it out loud, or one who is blatantly voicing his feelings and walking out the door?    It's hard to say.   What is best is a spouse who means the words "for better or worse" and stays in it for the long haul and really loves you.  When you have that type of relationship, you have a real wonderful thing and should count your blessings.   I haven't ever had the type of husband who really was there w/his heart.  My 1st one was only there for 2 yrs and had drugs in it and the 2nd one has never lived in the same home with me even though we married.    Fortunately, I have family and friends and most of all the Lord.

Susan

[mustangshelly]

I have had you in my thoughts as of late...I hope you are doing better...I wish you the best ...HUGS :) shelly

[DayLyn]

My goodness.  You sure are going through alot.  You must be One Tough Chick.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you, quickly.  I know how hard it is to deal with separation from someone you love, but with everything else you're going through too.....my, my.

Know that there are alot of people who are thinking of you, and keep your chin up - it will get better.

Day

[jools57]

i am so sorry you are having to go thru this...my husband just recently told me he wasn't "in love" with me any more too......love is a choice...it's not a feeling something we fall in or out of...we choose to love, thru good and bad....when i hear people say they've fallen out of love, it leaves me to believe they are really immature. protect yourself...it's easy sometimes to want to go back to what we know because it feels comfortable or safe..., even tho your husband is in a program,meth gets a wicked grip on people.. just really think of your kids and you first. make sure you all are protected....we are all thinking of you, and hope things look up soon...sending you love and
blessings, julie

[Alady1620]

Well, he left again.

[mustangshelly]

I am so sorry to hear this but I did expect it. Please don't let this drag you down...you and your kids are the number one most important thing...don't let him interfere with your life right now...move on you deserve much better....I am praying for you lots of hugs:) shelly

[Alady1620]

I guess I expected it too.  

[Forseegood]

so glad that you are getting such good support here, and some very good advice...but with me at least, I intellectually knew all that I should be doing, always had good grades in school and went to college, etc...so knowing wasn't my problem, doing was...I was so tied to that guy emotionally....

I had the tremendous good fortune (though I wouldn't of said so at the time, no way) of having that guy leave me...I might of stayed on longer, I don't know, I like to think I would of left on my own, but truthfully, I couldn't tell you if I would of have, I might of stayed in that shite a lot longer at my own peril...so he left me and I had to deal with it, like i've said before, I still thank him to this day! What a solid he did me!!!! honestly!

My life got soooooo much better after I got over all of that, so much better! Please hang on to that...youre life will get much better!

Peace of mind has no price, and that will come to you once this guy is GONE out of your life! It's not easy, but you'll do it...

the mind is funny, especially when it's really used to something...and what can happen if your breaking up with someone, is that you will sit and think of all your *good* days, what a wonderful guy this guys was, etc etc...

the subconscious can have a wicked sense of humor sometimes...when I did that, what I did is was make a list of all the things he did that were bad, and cruel, and heartless and selfish...

that way, I didn't just "pick at scabs" by sitting there thinking of all the "good old days" of being with HIM....

I needed to do that at the time, to help me get over those rough patches of thinking so much of him, that and a lot of other things I did really helped...

course now i wouldn't do that, cause I'm long over him and I don't like to get into negativity and resentments, resentments and revenge are a waste of time and good energy...

But *that* kind of negativity, at the right time, can really help...it can help put you in the right perspective when you need perspective...we who love so much can get out of perspective sometimes about people who could do us harm...when we're much better off without them in our lives...

There are many exercises you can do like this, also laundry lists of all that you have to accomplish, etc...and all the good things youre going to do, the good things youre going to do for you kids, the places you can go, the wonderful things....that positive stuff you can do for mapping out your future, can help put you in a better place too...there are many of these types  of things in books and stuff, about breaking up...as corny as they sound, they can really help...! Best of luck to you, I'm glad your getting on with things in your much better future!

[Alady1620]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  I will take your advice.

[amommy]

I do not have any advice, but I really just want to send you a big hug. I can't imagine what you are going through right now.  I DO know however, that you are an AMAZINGLY STRONG woman who will do what is right for YOU and your beautiful babies.  Please lean on this forum.  I don't post much anymore, but I will be checking in to keep up with you and lend support.  Keeping you and those sweet babies in my prayers!  

[mustangshelly]

I am pulling for you and I know things will work out..Keep faith in yourself..HUGS :) shelly

[dlr2007]

Hi- I'm so sorry you're going thru this, I know it's terrible. Everyone has given you great advice. I went through a similar situation with my kid's father. After I had my 1st baby, he went to rehab after driving me crazy with worry my whole pregnancy. While in rehab, he "fell in love" with another girl. Horribly painful for me- I was newly clean too. We worked things out somehow and guess what? After baby #2, 3 years later, he relapsed and I went thru the same **** all over again! I too was told that I was so impossible to live with, he "had" to use drugs just to stand me. He said such brutal things to me- and worse of all, commanded me not to tell anyone about his problem. Like a fool, I struggled alone.
  End result was, we split up when the kids were 3 and 6. He OD'd 6 months later. We can't save anyone, no matter how we try. I blamed myself for a while and then realised, it's just not my fault! You need to take care of yourself. Your being sick had nothing to do with his addiction or his supposedly falling out of love with you. He's just blaming you to avoid taking responsibility. You sound like a strong, smart and wonderful person- you'll get through this! Please don't let this guy make you feel like his using and cruelty are your fault.
  My thoughts and prayers are with you.
-Dee

[Alady1620]

I am sorry about your husband.  I guess the kids and I are better off that mine has gone ahead and left. I really don't want to deal with the same stuff over and over again.

[meki]

You are better off - it will just take you some time to realize that.

If you still love him - and he finishes rehab or some treatment - or "miraculously" cleans up (and really does) then maybe you can work things out.

Those things he is saying girl --- let me tell you --- they are words he uses to make himself feel better about the horrible thing he has become.

You are strong - and you will survive this with great tenacity and come out shining beautiful!

I'm still sending you tons of hugs and love - you need them --- look at your beautiful children - and remember that you are their sole source of love!

Meki

[ladybug52]

Your stories make me want to cry. It's so hard living with an addict, or living w/o an addict you love.
The wonderful thing is that you both have children who are always a true source of unconditional love. The worst thing about life with an addict is that they are soooo crazy and selfish and manipulative, they turn it all around and make you out to be the crazy selfish person. You know that you aren't, but it's frustrating trying to convince them otherwise. You can't change their way of thinking and it's wasted energy.
Dee so glad you know how crazy it is to feel guilt, yet it's sitll sometimes there when you think "what if?" I speak from experience.
Alady, try to stay strong and try to remember this pain if he tries to come back into your life again.
Hugs to you both and prayers for serenity.
Bug

[mustangshelly]

Just remember that things will look different in a few months, he will try to come back into your life and there will be very trying times ahead, keep a clear head and be strong for you and your kids...hugs :) shelly

[nygirl7]

Just wondering how you are doing today and hoping you are feeling good about YOURSELF.

I know, first hand, what you are going through.  It will not change until he really and truly wants to be sober and accept HIS responsibility and get into a program. Believe me...promises to the addict are nothing but a lie and a way of trying to get their way - they will say and do anything to get back into the house to get more money (or recover from a bender and THEN get more money).

You know all this stuff already though.  But as you can see many of us know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.

I just want you to know that each day when I see this thread my heart just breaks a little bit more.

I am hoping that you realize how strong YOU are and are standing strong for today.

Take it a day at a time. There is a reason that is so often advised.  Every day that passes you will get a little more health back into your heart.

You know NONE of this is your fault.  You know in here we wouldn't bother to lie don't you?  And if you look at this thread EVERYONE has tried to build you up.

Stay strong for today and remember that we do all care for you and are here to do whatever we can to help you.

[Alady1620]

Thanks again.  I am doing ok today, NY.  Some days are better than others.  I went to marital counseling alone yesterday and that was tough but I woke up in a better frame of mind today.

My kids are asking for him and it just breaks my heart.  He hasn't called for a few days.  I'm guessing that he has relapsed.  Almost every person on his crew at work uses drugs so I suspect he will continue to use them too.  C'est la vie.  It's his problem now, not mine.

[Forseegood]

funny, how time heals so much...life gives you plenty to adjust to huh? and you will, like NY said, so many of us have been there, even some of the guys! lol...with me I had some hard days, then they got fewer as time passed, till they weren't there anymore, and I just felt this TREMENDOUS sense of relief and peace...even though I still thought of him...and finally, that stopped to, you'll look back on this too soon, and be so glad it's behind you instead of in front of you, I just wish you the very best!!!!! youre kids will adjust too...no role model is always better then a bad role model...this will all work out for you! We all got your back!

[PrettyPoisonNoMore]

I lost my password and changed my email address so I couldn't get it reset, so here I am, no longer OnAPrettyPoison, but now I am PrettyPoisonNoMore!  

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this.  Please change your locks so he can't come in and clean the valuables out of your house.  Didn't this guy go blow some big bucks  in a strip club while you were treating??  I think all of us have  had loser boyfriends/husbands and  even though it hurts right now, you will be so much better off without him.  You are in my prayers!

[Alady1620]

You have a good memory, Poison.  Yes, he did and I suspect he was using that night.  I was too sick to care at the time.