Nothing to fear but fear itself ???

[charm27]

I could use all your support and input on this. I got laid off in August started tx in November and have been home since. Im going on 14 weeks of tx. Its gotten a little better where I can get up shower and dont feel like I have to lie in bed all day like I have been doing. In life everything becomes a habit, not feeling well becomes a habit as well. This is the 1st time I have been home for more than 2 weeks in 30 years! Im in a rut especially being on this difficult tx.
I have always been a very calm, logical stable person who always had it together.I am also self supporting. Well its time for me to get back to the living again which I had planned on doing anyway.
Financially not able to lay in bed for 48 weeks not too many people can. However I wouldnt want to do that anyway not condusive to a healthly mind even though none of us feel normal or strong on this tx. How do you do it ?
I have such fear now of getting a job in this condition and having the strength to carry on. Im in such a rut. I know under the circumstances this is a very normal emotion. However I have no choice except do what I have to do. People that have cancer go to work, people that have MS go to work , people that have worse things have to make a living. This is what I have been telling myself to get to the next step. Just being weak, tired, losing hair, and thensome you lose yourself in many ways, and then theres the fog and the rage.
Is this a normal feeling? I think it is.
But how do you return to the living world feeling like an interferon robot??
Thanks all for listening and for your support.
I have another month to get this together and by then I will be 5 months into tx.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Charm27

[Wassup]

Gosh, I sure hope none of you are offended.  I call you my 'Cootie Pals', in the most loving light!! Anyhow it sure beats, "Typhoid Mary",  Or HEP C BETSY, or Stinky!! I tell *people all the time that I, myself have 'Cooties", (* that would be My DDS, Manicurist, Flabotomist, Lobotamist, and all those peeps. So, Cootie Pals, consider this, ANTS ruin your picnic, and a BEE would just as soon sting you AS NOT, EVEN IF IT KILLS HIS DUMB @SS.  So, keep smiling and think SILLY... Then, even a cold oatmeal sandwich ain't all that bad. Better 'n hot sauce soup.  That's the buzzz from your huggable, Ant B

[ladywhy]

I did work the first 10 months of tx.

[Mikkimoe]

baygirl - I really admire your attitude - was reading your profile...sounds like we have both really been through hell and back. I use to teach how to be positive and motivated - time for me to start practicing it huh? Thanks!

Charm/all  - I have found that it is real easy to feel sorry for myself with this disease. It's weird but all my other ailments I was so strong and powerful and always over came - No one could believe that I would be teaching right after double foot surgery or a fused neck -but I did...this is very different, maybe because I am so symptomatic but it really messes with my mind. I'm just glad I'm retired - but I want my enthusiasm back that I use to have for my horses and husband and life. Everything seems like such a chore - like my batteries are drained....can't wait to get it behind me - thanks everyone for the pep talks to Charm they are helping me too.

Hang in there Charm these folks will help get you through the tough times...

[sfbaygirl]

I had a hard time doing much of anything on tx. I also had PTSD, so I was off of work as a teacher. Good thing! I can't imagine those sixth graders. They wouldn't have lived long if I had worked! Thankfully, I have help from my husband. There were good days that I did things around the house and helped John. But most of the time, I was a couch potato. My job was tx. My daughter in law would pick me up and take me to lunch. Driving was scary. Forget shopping!  Online groceries! Cooking a few days a week. It was pretty awful. Especially when the rescue drugs came into play. After tx wasn't much better, but I had some serious stuff going on. I had a fire at home, I got fibromyalgia. Now, after several years I am finally getting my life back. I have to! I am like you, except I couldn't for a long time. I have worked my whole life! Raised 3 kids by myself. I am now back at school, going to start a new career and am not going to let this stuff get me anymore.

It has to be tough without support. I hope you can get some SSI or something. My ins. co wants me to go on SSI. I said NO.  I am not going to sit around any longer. I want to work. I wasn't able to for quite awhile, but I did get a settlement for my PTSD. That helps. I sure hope you get what you need to make the tx work and your life work. Stress sure can't help!

Linda

[tahoeunicorn]

You just need to kick your own butt and decide that you have got to get out. I know right after I started TX (about week 6/7) a friend of mine came by and made me go out to lunch with her. That was the best thing that I could have done. Even though when I went anywheres I looked like a raccoon if I didn't put make-up on, It still started me getting out of the house and around people again. When things look the bleakest is usually when just unbelievably good things will happen. This has happened to me to many times, so I really believe in this.
Now, Kick Kick You can do it.

Good Luck,
Lynn

[Mikkimoe]

Gee I’m really anxious to start tx now - NOT.

Sometimes I think it might be better to go into the dark blind and not to of heard all this...but what would one do without this outlet? It's so amazing how NEEDED this is during tx. I try to get info on my other problems (RA etc) and those forums are anything but rewarding.

This is informative, comforting, eye opening, daunting, fun, sad, realistic and lately I've found very addictive...no wonder no one goes anywhere anymore - They are all online.
LOL

[charm27]

Deb- Thats sound oretty funny with the scarf scenario.....sounds like something that would happen to me.

NYGirl- Im sure you know how many people you've inspired trudging thru 72 weeks.....and working all the way thru on top of that being anemic and so much more.

LL-You had better behave yourself next time in Publix! Your a bad girlie! gir!!


Charm27

[Lady Lauri]

Charm........Sure I could get a p/t job at Pooblix! ...............

Not after peeing off the cashiers :)

Ny......Something that might give you more hours in the morning to get up and ready (I always wished for that one extra hours sleep!) ...........

Very true! Jumping up and 'getting going' in the AM is the hardest. A job at 11-12 would be great!

LL

[nygirl7]

Thank you very much for the kind statements!  I have to tell you I wouldn't have wanted to stay home in bed the whole time because I too believe that getting up and dressed and TRYING to look normal and act normal really DOES help your psychie - and that being around people often did make me forget for a little while what was going on but boy oh boy there were days I cried because I wanted to stay in bed so bad.  Seriously.  I just couldn't afford to take the chance that they would get rid of me (even though it's illegal we've seen it happen often enough to know it does).

Is there any way you can maybe get a job with hours that might be a little better than regular old 9 - 5?  Something that might give you more hours in the morning to get up and ready (I always wished for that one extra hours sleep!)

I don't know what you do for a living but maybe you can luck out and find something a bit lighter for about the same amount of money somehow if you get a good headhunter on the case now to start looking around?

Of course, I wouldn't really tell them what is going on if I didn't have to except maybe that you are 'anemic' cause nobody really knows what that means anyhow LOL.

It's really not that bad coming to work on treatment - once you've gotten passed the anemia issues it might actually do you good to get out.  You're like me and I will be honest and tell you I think working (even as an interferon robot) helped....

I wish you all of the luck in the world.  Hang in there...once it's over the treatment amnesia will set in and you'll forget how dreadful it was.  :)

Debby

[Deb_c430]

Oh those huge shoes!,  that would be fetching for sure! Bright red lips stick!  MUAH!  

I had to go to the Gi the other day, run by the vets to pick up the special food for the cat, I decided to wear a head scarf, i put it on and I thought wow, I look kind cute in this.

Get in the car by the time I started it, the scarfs knot was coming loose , so I think ok tie it tighter.  Half way to the vets it is slipping off my head. Get there, re tie it. Get out of car, the wind bows it off my head. So I am chasing it around the parking lot!

Same scenraio at GIs and grocery store!  Spent most of it holding my head and cute scarf down! Geesh!

Baby steps!

[charm27]

Sure I could get a p/t job at Pooblix! But I couldnt pay my mortgage.
As far as the hair thing goes I just said the same thing to myself the other day!

My eyebrows and legs are like a gorilla!!!
Weird stuff.

Maybe I should join the circus!!!!! Maybe they pay well!!!!!!
HA!!  I sure look the part now!!

Or maybe I will go to clown school then all I have to do is throw a green wig on my head!!  OK IVE LOST IT NOW!!!!  hAAA
And get those huge clown shoes with the round toes!!! Maybe in yellow!!!!!!

[Lady Lauri]

  Can you get a P/T job at Publix :)  :)  ??

My question is this????  How come half the hair on my head is going but my eyebrows are growing and legs, arms...errrr...you know.... isn't falling out????
  I mean, we should at least not have to shave our legs if we're going to look like 'Larry' !!

LL

[charm27]

No girl I HAD hair. That pic was 3 months before tx taken in the office.
I actually cut it all of before tx thinking it would be better. What was I thinking??

Well its past my shoulders now and ALL FLAT  on top!
Defintely look like one of the three stooges!!!
I think it was LARRY!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Definitely not Curly!!!

[Lady Lauri]

Nice pic, BTW   :) Ya' got hair , lol!

LL

[Lady Lauri]

As a forum friend told me not long ago when I was feeling soooo useless....."You are NOT 'wasting' your time and days, you are saving your life and your health", that is NOT useless or a waste of time. I am like you, Ladywhy, my tx has been about 70-80% down time. I can NOT do my 2 physical jobs and felt continuing to try would not only hurt me physically, but possibly reduce my chances by wearing out my body even more. I was so very hyper, never stop, never sit down, 3 different type jobs, always being social, run, run, run type. This homebound get's hard, but I realize it will end. I do also have a lot of 'visitors', company and ANY day I am 'able', I am outside or out to visit ANYBODY, LOL! At home, to save my sanity,  I give myself 'productive jobs‘, even on a bad day...just organize the closet's or get the stack of paperwork done, rake a SMALL part of the yard, etc. It at least makes me feel 'productive'. (There was a post awhile back on how we become so 'proud' of an up all day day, or simple task we get done! :) I do not feel this tx, the being ill part, becomes habit, it is simply no choice for some, to get thru this. I think our old habits will come back soon as we're feeling better. On a good day, I am out and about like my old self (well, sort of :) The bad thing is it’s hard to ‘handle’ the land of the living sometimes in this  :)
  My sister, and a friend, has been on chemo for cancer (is now) and she get's more done! Watching me, reading about it, she feel's that we do this EVERY day, no 'breaks' in the drugs, therefore not many 'good days'.  I've watched her for years and help her on her chemo days, we're very close,so she knew this was hell when she saw me NOT up and running! Give yourself that , Charm, not feeling bad about HOW you feel, what you can and can not do. As my tx is 24 weeks, I was able to muddle thru without working (a little from home) but couldn't do 48 weeks either! I would try for assistance of any kind and than maybe part time work? ANY family or friends that you could work for, P/T, understanding your on tx and ill? One of my jobs knows/plans for my return to be P/T at first, anyone at all that you can think of to work with for now?
  I don’t know what to say on solving the income problem :(  Possibly start applying now for assistance tho…it takes time, but could help you in this. If I was doing 48 weeks, I’d have to think of that.
  Everything your feeling is very normal in this. I'm so sorry you have to worry about all this on tx also. It'll all work out, somehow. Wish we could take the worry away, tho.

Feel better, remember your in probably the hardest fight of your life, your body is going thru hell, but I think you mind is strong enough to handle it all :)

(P.S. I got 'through'! Got an answer...on that other subject!! Ya' see it?)

Hang in there !!!!!!!

LL

[charm27]

Thanks for the Rah! Rah! I will get thru this I will.
And I have always believed there is nothing to fear but the fear itself.

Im rooting for you too and hope you have a easier tx.
Charm

[Trish77]

Charm, there is no doubt that you will win.  It won't be easy, but you'll win.  You'll just have to decide which cape you need to wear that day. :)  I know where I get my mental energy from is actually getting things done, even the smallest things.  Set yourself goals for things to accomplish on any given day and you will feel great as you strike them off your list.  I would agree with FlGuy...start out with walks every day and keep adding to it...yes, you'll be tired but yes, you'll sleep well!  

With regards to the job...all you can do is give it your best shot...I wish you didn't have to work but maybe it will turn out to be good for you as the isolation is your worst side effect, it seems.  I hope you find the perfect job for you and your circumstances.  

I like your title...nothing to fear but fear itself.  You WILL triumph over this too.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Look what you've already accomplished.  You are UND!!!  

Rooting for you all the way, Charmgirl. :)

Trish

[charm27]

Im glad to hear from you. Two kicks in the buttt!!!! Great just what I needed.
Im withSpace and you too! I will not  let let this surround me and get me! I just NEVER have been in this kind of rut obviously. Im trying so darn hard I am. I just want to get back to the world so bad and I will next month !!! Ive laid around since Turkey day and that enough!

My energy level isnt that bad but I have NO stamina. I will give this my best shot!
Hopefully I will win. Just so tired....(yawn)
What a trip....................its ben like night of the living dead.
I just want to  be living and complaining about the small unimportant stuff again. I Cant wait for that like what a dumb boss I have, traffic on 95- etc. Cant wait.  :}

[FlGuy]

I'm 100% with Spaceman on this.  You can't surrender to hcv or tx.  It's a battle and you need to fight your way through it, even if it is a lower speed.  In the end, you'll look back and realize that you came out on the other side of adversity and be stronger for it.  If you need to, start slow. But continue with an increasing commitment.    I was about a mile away from you earlier today and you know what the weather was like earlier in the day.  Tomorrow morning, get up, get out and walk a mile. Walk to Offerdahl's, get a drink and back. The next day add a half. "active' your way back to energy.  Heck, even if you get drained you'll sleep well.

[spcecst2]

Like I said you know what to do! Sail onnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[charm27]

thanks for the kick in the butt!!!! I needed that!
sail with the wind it will be. YES!

Charm27

[spcecst2]

You know what you have to do!! Get your butt to doing it!! Congrats on the undetectable!! You sound like a fighter so fight on girl and get to living!!

We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but sail we must and not drift nor lie at anchor!!!!!!!

[Deb_c430]

I can so relate to that!  

I have worked all my life, ran my own business, worked for others.  The hardest part of this and my accident for me has been slowing down and adjusting my life style.   The only way to change it is to take the step, I am there also.  

Even if it is just volunteering. I am tired of being anxious and turning into a hermit.  

Your last line ;
I feel it has defined me, I want to change that. Its a part of me not who I am.

that is a profound and very motivating statement!    I think I am starting to adjust so time to motivate a bit more.

Infergen, Peg, all wipes you out,  makes your whole being change, I decided a long time ago, it would not own me, I would own it. Sometimes it wins the battle, but the war is mine!

Mikkie, isn't it amazin ghow sometimes the biggest disaters turn into the biggest blessings?

[charm27]

Thanks for the input. I just feel had the 6 months off and I need to get out there in the world again. Ive pampered myself during the past 4 months of tx layed in bed and I feel its time to push and get going.

Ive never been in such a rut before and this is going to be hard. But I  imagine I will survive like I always have,

Im not one to panic, or get scared actually my personality is quite the opposite but being
in this Interferon mode has really done a number on me and its time to change it.
I feel it has defined me, I want to change that. Its a part of me not who I am.