Somebody tell a joke

I feel itchy, cranky and the last thing I want to do tonight is take another handful of pills. Please share something that gave you a laugh.

[Trish77]

An old man walked to his bus stop and sat on the bench waiting for his bus to arrive.  Sitting on the bench next to him was a young man with a wild mohawk of all different colours.  The old man stared at the young fellow until finally, the young fellow said "What's the matter, old man?  Never done anything wild in your life?"  The old man replied "I had sex with a peacock once.  I was wondering if you were my son."

[TripleCrown]

Thanks trish! That was funny! Lol(*^_^*)

[Lifenet62]

Lolololol

[Bill1954]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Hepatitis-Social/I-am-losing-the-hair-on-my-back-from-TX--very-distraught/show/1292270?controller=posts&action=show&id=#%3CSubject:0x00000028f6bf08%3E

[MsDragonSlayer]

OMG, I LMAO....thanks so much Bill, I needed that too!
Triple Crown...i hope you dont have back hair problems!
caroyn

[TripleCrown]

Hahaha! Thanks! Lol(*^o^*)

[BigDaddy_59]

A pharmaceutical rep for Vertex' Incivek was seated  next to a little girl on the  airplane when rep turned to  her and said, 'Let's  talk. I've heard that flights go quicker  if you strike up a  conversation with your fellow  passenger.'

The little girl, who had just  opened her book, closed  it slowly and said to the rep,  'OK, What would you like to  talk about?'

'Oh, I  don't know,' said the rep.  'How  about the new revolutionary treatments for Hepatitis C?' and she smiles.

Thanks Bill and Dave for the laugh. I'm keeping the link for that one when I need a giggle!

'OK, ' she said.  'That could be  an interesting topic.  But let me ask you a question  first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all  eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a  deer excretes little pellets, while a  cow turns out a flat patty, and a  horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?'  

The rep, visibly surprised by  the little girl's  intelligence, thinks about it and says,  'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To  which the little girl replies, How is it you think you are really qualified to discuss Hepatitis C treatments when you  don't know s**t?'

[Dee1956]

With all the lotions potions laying around for sx, I brushed my teeth with Ben Gay. ARRGGHH!!!!

[Dee1956]

Just read the others, they are funny!
Thanks I am itchy and cranky and sure could use the giggle you all gave me
Thanks
Dee

[scoleman]

I had to look up what a merkin was.  Thanks for the education :)

Sherry

[curiouslady1]

This is not a joke but I thought it was worth passing along anyway.  It is a murmuration of starlings and was posted recently on the net by two young film makers who happened upon it while out and about in their native Ireland.  Just click on the links marked "murmuration" to the vimeo to see the brief natural phenomenon.  I think it is awesome.  

www.islandsandrivers.co.uk

[TripleCrown]

I love this video. I am a huge birder and have a bird feeder and bird bath. Their antics always is always good at diverting my mind away from the trials of the day.
Thanks.

[Kathy73]

My favorite joke.

Two brother alligators down in the bayou are having a conversation. Skinny alligator says to brother fat alligator "How do you stay so fat and healthy?" Fat alligator says "What are you eating?" Skinny alligator says "Well you know that law firm over there on the edge of the bayou? I go over there, hide under an Mercedes and when a lawyer comes out I grab him, shake the **** out of him and eat him." Fat alligator "That's your problem, if you shake the **** out of him all you have left is lips and a briefcase!"

[hrsepwrguy]

ROTFLMAO great thread

[hrsepwrguy]

"With all the lotions potions laying around for sx, I brushed my teeth with Ben Gay. ARRGGHH!!!! ."

Some how I think it still might taste better than the nasty taste from incivek that I can't seem to shake even brushing and using mouth wash 4 to 5 times a day

[Dee1956]

That's pretty funny, it took forever to get the Benga taste to go away
I must really be having problems with my mind, I bought some biotene mouth spray that is supposed to help with  dry mouth.  So, mouth is dry and I picked up a spray bottle of cortaid for itching body and sprayed it in my mouth, now that was nasty!  My tongue hasn't given me a problem since lol

Now the Ben gay was really nasty. mu cousin thought it was pretty funny and since Triple Crown was looking for something to laugh at I was hoping I could help, even just a little.  Or...am I the on person with Brain Fog?

[hrsepwrguy]

  So, mouth is dry and I picked up a spray bottle of cortaid for itching body and sprayed it in my mouth, now that was nasty!  My tongue hasn't given me a problem since lol

Way to funny, thanks for sharing your follies made me laugh so hard my stomach hurts

[TripleCrown]

A comedian is on stage and she says,
My mouth is so dry....
The audience shouts,
How dry is it?
My mouth is so dry...
I could groom a cat.
I could dry the dishes with my tongue.
I could describe my tongue as a sham-wow!
[ insert something actually funnier than my lame attempts here ]

[Goodlaugh]

One week ago I learned i have hcv  i apparently contacted it from infected blood from two transfusions in 1973, after nearly bleeding to death after the birth if my second child 38 years ago. Needless to say, It was not easy to take.  This just isn't right!  I have spent nearly every waking minute and think I have
Moved from shock to disbelief to fear to acceptance. Educating myself was
The best thing to do. Dr is scheduling a biopsy soon and we are planning to begin tx(see? I'm even picking up shortcuts!) after the first of the year
I have Looked at many forums about hcv and could see no apparent
Benefit from following them let alone responding to one. I just happened onto this one an hour ago and have to tell you-you made my day. Trash, your approach to your difficult morning was so encouraging to me (it's all about attitude, I've read. But this is the first time I've actually seen a good one!  Thank you, everyone else for your hilarious input. Lol  i tried to share a couple with my husband but was laughing so hard I was crying. Oh, wait, I was really crying. Good healthy emotions just bubbling out.  That was pretty healthy. I hadn't cried over this news yet. Sorry to be so detailed, but wanted to share this healing moment with you

I think I will be back

[Goodlaugh]

Sorry, it was you I wanted to thank for the
Great attitude and everyone else for the responses

[Goodlaugh]

So sorry about your name. Auto spell got me.

[Trish77]

No worries....it happens from time to time. :-\

[Trish77]

This is one of my favourites...for obvious reasons, being a Canuck. :)

Divert Your Course

This is the actual conversation of a U.S. Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.  Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  This is the aircraft carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet.  We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels.  I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

[belle19]

welcome to the forum.  there are a lot of great people here.  my cyber friends have been very helpful for me.  ask a lot of questions about tx if you are going that route.  good luck with whatever you decide.  take care.  belle

[Bill1954]

Now that got a smile out of me.... seriously cute :o)!

[hrsepwrguy]

That was great !!!!

[Dee1956]

That was so funny, we are a light house...your call
Thanks for sharing that one
D

[Dee1956]

This is my favorite thread
Thank you all for sharing
Dee

[Bill1954]

This old discussion just resurfaced in here; towards the bottom of the thread a guy named ‘Wolfbane’ had an invention....

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Hepatitis-Social/what-to-do-for-dry-mouth-while-sleeping/show/649129

--Bill :o)

[Kathy73]

Love it! Divert YOUR course!

[curiouslady1]

This vid has had 8 million hits.  Don't forget to watch their other performances.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0

[EyesofBlue55]

Did that one myself awhile back ....Now for the potions laying around...Hubby asked me for some powder I said its in the cabinet next to the towells.Afew minutes later he was in the bathroom screaming and carrying on .I said "what in the he__ is going on?" his reply was that he wanted baby powder for jock itch,turned out he used gold bond medicated powder!!!! Set his coconuts on fire!!! I laughed soooo hard at him I had an accident myself!!!!!!  cindy

[curiouslady1]

Here is another short surgery vid.  Very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5DDPg3bg1o&feature=related

[TripleCrown]

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he sometimes had bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a: super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

[hrsepwrguy]

I will never look at mary poppins the same. Very funny

[hrsepwrguy]

My deepest sympathy to your husband and his coconuts. (ouch)

[MsDragonSlayer]

Wolfbayne was hilarious! Thanks for sharing, I was rolling with laughter! So inventive! You know, you can also cut the cotton crotch out of your panties and turn your pantoes into a bra, or a shirt depending on how big the panties are.
  :-)
Carolyn

[TripleCrown]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

[flcyclist]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

"The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[EyesofBlue55]

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[medicmommy]

Limp duck

A woman walks into a veterinarian's office and lays a very limp duck on the exam table. the vet takes one look at the duck and says, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your duck is dead."
The woman, terribly distraught, states,"How do you know?!? You haven't even done any tests! -I want a second opinion!"
The vet sighs and leaves the room, returning a moment later with a Labrador Retriever. The dog places its paws on the table, sniffs the duck from top to bottom, and sits down, slowly and sadly shakes its head from side to side.
The dog leaves, and a cat comes in. It leaps onto the table, nudges and sniffs the duck all over and sits down, meowing plaintively.
The vet replies, "Ma'am, it's confirmed. Your duck is dead." He writes briefly and hands her a bill for $120.
" One Hundred twenty dollars?!? " the woman exclaims in dismay.
The vet replies," Well, it would have been only $20 if you'd taken my word for it, but with the lab test and the cat scan..."

[medicmommy]

An obese man complains to his doctor, "Doc, I can't see my penis anymore!"
The doctor replies, "Have you tried to diet?"
The man replies, "No! -What color should I try?"

[libzo2]

When I was a teenager, I got stuck with my Mom in an packed elevator.  In the momment of disbelief that no one was moving, my Mom announced:  "Anyone know a good joke?"  

After 45 mins and the fire dept rescue, the fireman said they could hear the laughter from the elevator half a block away.  That was a great day.  We all left holding our ribs.  Thanks for the memory!

[starshine1ca]

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.  They're going to be called...."Pre-****-a-mints."

[starshine1ca]

Hmmm...kinda hard to catch a joke with the punch line stamped out...lol I wonder if the name of a man (short name of Richard) will be blocked too? Hopefully that says what those astericks hide...4 letters, start with D. :-)

[curiouslady1]

Predicaments?

[willbb]

Russian  "ski patrol" soldier comes home from the front lines. A few days later he is interviewed by one of the local news reporters.who asked him  

"after being on the front lines in the wilderness for 3 years,what was the first thing you did when you got home?

Soldier says  "I made love to my wife"

Reporter says.. "well ok ,but after you did that what did you do"?

Soldier says "Well I made love to my wife again"

Reporter a little frustrated says" Ok after you got all the love making out of the way ,then what did you do?"

Slodiers says " then I took my skis off"   ;0)

[Bill1954]

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

[flcyclist]

Hmmm...kinda hard to catch a joke with the punch line stamped out...lol I wonder if the name of a man (short name of Richard) will be blocked too? Hopefully that says what those astericks hide...4 letters, start with D. :-) .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to buy a vowel ;o)    Now I see where some people are grabbing their extra "stars" from.  Oh, I mean badges.  ;-)

[Dee1956]

OOPs I did it again
I have a mouth spray and a benedryl for skin spray
Once again I sprayed benedryl in my mouth.  The benedryl skins spray is now in the trash YUCK

[medicmommy]

Jose' was under a shady tree taking his afternoon siesta when his brother, Pedro, walks up to him with his hands cupped together. Jose' tips his sombrero back a bit and sleepily peers out at Pedro and says him,"Whatcha' got there Pedro?"
Pedro replies, " I got me a butterfly."
Jose' rolls his eyes at his brother's simpleness and says, "Whatcha gonna do with a butterfly?"
Pedro replies," I'm gonna take it to town and trade it for some butter!"
Jose exclaims, "You can't do that! No ones gonna trade butter for a butterfly!"
Pedro, not to be discouraged, shrugs his shoulders and leaves for town. a short time later, he returns with a small tub of butter.
Jose' asks in astonishment, "How in the world did'ja do that?!?"
Pedro just shrugged his shoulders and walked happily to his home.
The next day, Pedro comes up to Jose' again with his hands cupped together.
Jose' asks again,"What'cha got there, Pedro?"
Pedro replies, "I got me a horsefly!"
Jose' complains,"What'cha going to do with a horsefly?"
Pedro says," I'm gonna take it to town and trade it for a horse!"
Jose' replies," You can't do that! Nobody's gonna trade a horse for a horsefly!"
Pedro just shrugs his shoulders and leaves for town, returning a short time later leading a horse.
Jose' says in amazement, "Now how'ja manage that?!?" Pedro just shrugs and mumbles something about being lucky.
The following day, Pedro approached Jose' again. Jose' notices the cupped hands and quesries, "Okay, what'cha got this time?"
Pedro replies," I got me a ***** willow."
Jose' says,"You going to town?" Pedro says,"Yep."
Jose' replies, "Well, then I'm going with ya!"

[flcyclist]

Three vampire bats swoop into a bar.
“What’ll you have?” asks the waitress.
“Blood,” says the biggest one.
“Blood,” says the middle-sized one.
“Plasma,” says the smallest one.
The waitress turns and calls out to the bartender, “Two bloods and a
blood light.”

[willbb]

Teacher:  Clyde.your composition on  " My Dog " is exactly the same as your brothers,did you copy his?

Clyde: No sir, it"s the same dog .

[Proactive]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the
brothel over the road. The local Presbyterian pastor appears and quickly goes
inside.

"Will you look at that!" says Clancy. "Didn't I always tell you what a
bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than an Anglican vicar appears
at the door, knocks and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" says Pat

They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the Vicar when they
see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad," says Seamus. "One of the girls must have died."

[Proactive]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[Proactive]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over..

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[mikesimon]

What did the lesbian frog say to her friend?

I'll be darned - we really do taste like chicken.

[willbb]

WEATHER BUREAU IN THE"  NORTHEAST U.S." &  " ENVIRONMENT CANADA"  ISSUES TRAVEL WARNING DUE TO COLD WEATHER!

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel

Blanket  & Sleeping bag

Extra Clothing including Hat  and Gloves

24 Hrs. Worth of Food

De-Icer

Rock Salt

Flashlight

Road flares

Empty Gas Can

First Aid Kit

Booster Cables


I felt like such  an IDIOT  on the bus this morning

[Proactive]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St.. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
... room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay,
Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I
have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and
her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you.
That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells
me sh#t."

[can-do-man]

A blonde gets off a plane in Des Moines, rents a car, and drives to Kansas City. Passing corn stubble fields, she notices a blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing away.So she gets out of the car, yells at the Blonde in the rowboat and says, " You stupid Blonde! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if I could swim, I'D COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR #$%$"

[Proactive]

Old Butch

His owner, John, was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten
roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece
Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing the majority of them when they weren't paying
attention.

[Dee1956]

Thank you so much for this thread, it is so funny, I came back to read it again and found some new ones.
Thanks for the laughs, as I near the end of tx I find I really need it :)

[Proactive]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[diesel1959]

A 40's something Chinese couple owns a Chinese take out and 1 night every week they take off for love making  and saki. The wife is a very beautiful Chinese woman and she looks exceptionally sexy that night and her husband keeps telling her that @ work on the way home. They finally get home put music on have saki and they are sitting on bed kissing and fondling and husband says again you are very sexy tonight and then he says, makes me want some 69. Wife looks at him with puzzled look and says you mean you want beef and broccoli now!

[Isobella]

Martini's are like boobs.  

One is not enough and 3 is too many.

[Isobella]

Took some heat for this last time I posted it, but I still think it's funny!!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

[orphanedhawk]

That makes me think of a George Burns story:

Burns indulged in a single night of infidelity. He was so guilt-stricken that he rushed out to buy Gracie a silver centerpiece for the table and a diamond ring. Somehow she learned the truth, and he knew that she knew, yet neither said a word. Years later, Gracie joked to a friend, "I wish George would cheat again. I really need a new centerpiece."

[Proactive]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[Proactive]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqIEZCRjR_A&sns=fb

[willbb]

Not really a joke...a true scenario


Brilliant!
  
Subject: Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
  

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
  
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased for his lovely wife, a pocket Tazer for their anniversary, submitted this:
  
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat! in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny ‘lil ole’ thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
•My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
•The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
•My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
•My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
•I had no control over the drooling.
•Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
•I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[orphanedhawk]

" Did you hear Whitney Huston passed away?
What a terrible loss, I would have died for her voice!"

( You can groan now. . . I did)

[lapis]

old nurse joke from the 70's...

A nurse had worked the night shift, and she was at the nurses' station when a doctor came in to make rounds.  He looked at her funny and asked, "Nurse, what are you doing with that rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

She replied, "Oh s**t, some a**hole has my pencil!!"

[lapis]

A blind man entered a Macy's department store with his seeing-eye dog.  He walked to a big open space between the aisles, stooped down, picked his dog up by the hind legs, and began swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The security guard was alarmed and asked, "Mister, are you okay, what's going on?"  The man replied, "Oh, I'm fine, I'm just looking around."

[Proactive]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with h*ll and you say something with *ss." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, h*ll, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *ss it won't be Cheerios!"