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WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
My doc told me to keep a journal during my treatment but I wrote a poem during my 11 months of previous treatment and I would like to share-Only my family and close friends knew I have Hep C-Hopefully this will give some encouragement--here goes:
HERE IT IS IN BLACK AND WHITE, MY DARKEST SECRET REVEALED TONIGHT--WHEN SCARED AND UPSET I LIKE TO RHYME, IT GETS ME THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME--I JUST DON'T FEEL I AM MYSELF, IT HAS TO DO WITH MY POOR HEALTH-U ASK HOW R U? I SAY I'M GREAT, DEEP DOWN INSIDE I WONDER MY FATE--I SEE U EACH DAY AND LOOK INTO UR EYES, I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITH ALL THESE LIES--LEAVING THIS EARTH I CAN NOT HANDLE, BUT I MUST GO WITH GOD WHEN HE GIVES ME A CANDLE--MY DOCTOR SAYS THAT I AM REALLY SICK, BUT I WILL NOT GIVE IN, I WON'T LIGHT THAT WICK--I'M DETERMINED TO FIGHT THIS AND GET BACK TO MY LIFE, I NEED TO BE THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE--THE MEDS I AM ON, U THINK WTF, SOME DAYS R GOOD, OTHERS JUST SUCK--I DON'T WANT U TO JUDGE ME OR GIVE ME UR PITY, NOT SURE WHAT I'LL SAY ON DAYS I FEEL ******-FIVE PILLS A DAY, AN INJECTION ON FRIDAY, HOPING TO FEEL GOOD TO WORK ON MONDAY--5 MONTHS OF TREATMENT IT'S GOOD SO FAR, ACCORDING TO BLOODWORK, I'M WINNING THE WAR--I JUST WISH MY FAMILY COULD UNDERSTAND, AND START TO LEND A HELPING HAND--I PUSH MYSELF TO DO IT ALL, JUST WISH THEY KNEW I'M READY TO FALL--I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING, BUT SOME OF THESE DAY I HAVE NOTHING TO BRING--28 MORE WEEKS, THE WORST IS ON IT'S WAY, JUST HOPE I CAN MAKE IT THRU EVERYDAY--MY JOURNEY'S NOT OVER, THERE'S STILL MORE TO COME, LOOKING FORWARD TO SAYING I FINALLY WON--MY DOC IS THE BEST SHE HAS BEEN BY MY SIDE, WITHOUT HER ENCOURAGING WORDS I WOULD NEVER HAVE TRIED--SHE IS A MOM TOO AND KNOWS THE SCENE, SHE UNDERSTANDS JUST WHAT I MEAN--I'VE LOST ALL MY MUSCLE AND HALF OF MY HAIR, NO MORE NAUSEA OR DIARRHEA SO THE REST I WILL SHARE--THE DRY SKIN AND THE ITCHING ISN'T SO BAD, I'M LOVING THE WEIGHT LOSS, FOR THIS I AM GLAD--THERE IS A PATTERN SINCE THE VERY START, TUESDAY THROUGH THURSDAY IS THE BEST PART--AFTER MY SHOT I GET DIZZY WITH PAIN IN MY HEAD, SATURDAYS R GOOD, BUT MOST OF SUNDAY IS SPENT IN BED--MONDAY ROLLS IN AND STILL FEEL LIKE JUNK, JUST CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET OUT OF THIS FUNK--THE CONFUSION *****, I GET LOST IN THOUGHT, I LOSE WORDS TO MY SENTENCES AND TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT--MY BODY IS TIRED, AS I MOVE I MOAN, I'M SURROUNDED BY FAMILY BUT STILL FEEL ALONE--I PUSH THROUGH EACH DAY LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG, I JUST HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I'M STRONG--I HAVE 10 WEEKS LEFT ALMOST DONE, IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME TO BE NORMAL AND FUN--I SO MUCH WANTED IT TO BE ABOUT ME, BUT RECENTLY BELIEVE THAT'S NOT TO BE--IT TOOK AN ESSAY FROM MY KID TO OPEN MY EYES, THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SITS AND CRIES--WHEN YOUR A MOM AND A WIFE, UR FEELINGS SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED--IT'S THE EFFECT ON YOUR FAMILY, HOW THEIR LIVES HAVE BEEN SHATTERED--I SUDDENLY REALIZE HOW DENIAL AND FEAR COULD BE MISTAKEN AS CONTEMPT, IT'S NOW ALL CLEAR--I HAVE BEEN SELFISH AND THAT'S NOT FAIR, I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED HOW MUCH U ALL CARED--I APOLOGIZED THAT I NEVER ASKED, BECAUSE UR FEELINGS SHOULD NEVER BE MASKED--I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU SO THIS MESSAGE I SEND, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE TILL THE VERY END--JUST 4 WEEKS LEFT, THE FATIGUE IS WORSE, WHEN I WALK OR PICK UP THINGS I JUST WANT TO CURSE--MY BODY IS SO TIRED AND VERY WEAK, IT'S THE FEELING OF NORMALCY I DESPERATELY SEEK--I'M ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE VERY LAST SHOT, JUST IN TIME FOR WHEN THE WEATHER TURNS HOT--JUST 2 SHOTS LEFT, MY SPIRITS ARE HIGH, I'M SO EXCITED I FEEL I CAN FLY--HERE GOES THE LAST SHOT, 48 WEEKS WENT FAST, TO THIS VIRUS I SAY I KICKED UR ***!-I MADE IT THROUGH IT AND I'M FULL OF PRIDE, BUT I WAS NEVER ALONE, U WERE ALL THERE, RIGHT BY MY SIDE-I DON'T WANT TO UPSET U, THAT'S JUST NOT ME, I'M EXPLAINING MY TREATMENT AND LIFE WITH HEP C.
HERE IT IS IN BLACK AND WHITE, MY DARKEST SECRET REVEALED TONIGHT--WHEN SCARED AND UPSET I LIKE TO RHYME, IT GETS ME THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME--I JUST DON'T FEEL I AM MYSELF, IT HAS TO DO WITH MY POOR HEALTH-U ASK HOW R U? I SAY I'M GREAT, DEEP DOWN INSIDE I WONDER MY FATE--I SEE U EACH DAY AND LOOK INTO UR EYES, I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITH ALL THESE LIES--LEAVING THIS EARTH I CAN NOT HANDLE, BUT I MUST GO WITH GOD WHEN HE GIVES ME A CANDLE--MY DOCTOR SAYS THAT I AM REALLY SICK, BUT I WILL NOT GIVE IN, I WON'T LIGHT THAT WICK--I'M DETERMINED TO FIGHT THIS AND GET BACK TO MY LIFE, I NEED TO BE THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE--THE MEDS I AM ON, U THINK WTF, SOME DAYS R GOOD, OTHERS JUST SUCK--I DON'T WANT U TO JUDGE ME OR GIVE ME UR PITY, NOT SURE WHAT I'LL SAY ON DAYS I FEEL ******-FIVE PILLS A DAY, AN INJECTION ON FRIDAY, HOPING TO FEEL GOOD TO WORK ON MONDAY--5 MONTHS OF TREATMENT IT'S GOOD SO FAR, ACCORDING TO BLOODWORK, I'M WINNING THE WAR--I JUST WISH MY FAMILY COULD UNDERSTAND, AND START TO LEND A HELPING HAND--I PUSH MYSELF TO DO IT ALL, JUST WISH THEY KNEW I'M READY TO FALL--I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF EVERYTHING, BUT SOME OF THESE DAY I HAVE NOTHING TO BRING--28 MORE WEEKS, THE WORST IS ON IT'S WAY, JUST HOPE I CAN MAKE IT THRU EVERYDAY--MY JOURNEY'S NOT OVER, THERE'S STILL MORE TO COME, LOOKING FORWARD TO SAYING I FINALLY WON--MY DOC IS THE BEST SHE HAS BEEN BY MY SIDE, WITHOUT HER ENCOURAGING WORDS I WOULD NEVER HAVE TRIED--SHE IS A MOM TOO AND KNOWS THE SCENE, SHE UNDERSTANDS JUST WHAT I MEAN--I'VE LOST ALL MY MUSCLE AND HALF OF MY HAIR, NO MORE NAUSEA OR DIARRHEA SO THE REST I WILL SHARE--THE DRY SKIN AND THE ITCHING ISN'T SO BAD, I'M LOVING THE WEIGHT LOSS, FOR THIS I AM GLAD--THERE IS A PATTERN SINCE THE VERY START, TUESDAY THROUGH THURSDAY IS THE BEST PART--AFTER MY SHOT I GET DIZZY WITH PAIN IN MY HEAD, SATURDAYS R GOOD, BUT MOST OF SUNDAY IS SPENT IN BED--MONDAY ROLLS IN AND STILL FEEL LIKE JUNK, JUST CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET OUT OF THIS FUNK--THE CONFUSION *****, I GET LOST IN THOUGHT, I LOSE WORDS TO MY SENTENCES AND TRY NOT TO GET CAUGHT--MY BODY IS TIRED, AS I MOVE I MOAN, I'M SURROUNDED BY FAMILY BUT STILL FEEL ALONE--I PUSH THROUGH EACH DAY LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG, I JUST HAVE TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I'M STRONG--I HAVE 10 WEEKS LEFT ALMOST DONE, IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME TO BE NORMAL AND FUN--I SO MUCH WANTED IT TO BE ABOUT ME, BUT RECENTLY BELIEVE THAT'S NOT TO BE--IT TOOK AN ESSAY FROM MY KID TO OPEN MY EYES, THAT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SITS AND CRIES--WHEN YOUR A MOM AND A WIFE, UR FEELINGS SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED--IT'S THE EFFECT ON YOUR FAMILY, HOW THEIR LIVES HAVE BEEN SHATTERED--I SUDDENLY REALIZE HOW DENIAL AND FEAR COULD BE MISTAKEN AS CONTEMPT, IT'S NOW ALL CLEAR--I HAVE BEEN SELFISH AND THAT'S NOT FAIR, I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED HOW MUCH U ALL CARED--I APOLOGIZED THAT I NEVER ASKED, BECAUSE UR FEELINGS SHOULD NEVER BE MASKED--I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU SO THIS MESSAGE I SEND, I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE TILL THE VERY END--JUST 4 WEEKS LEFT, THE FATIGUE IS WORSE, WHEN I WALK OR PICK UP THINGS I JUST WANT TO CURSE--MY BODY IS SO TIRED AND VERY WEAK, IT'S THE FEELING OF NORMALCY I DESPERATELY SEEK--I'M ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE VERY LAST SHOT, JUST IN TIME FOR WHEN THE WEATHER TURNS HOT--JUST 2 SHOTS LEFT, MY SPIRITS ARE HIGH, I'M SO EXCITED I FEEL I CAN FLY--HERE GOES THE LAST SHOT, 48 WEEKS WENT FAST, TO THIS VIRUS I SAY I KICKED UR ***!-I MADE IT THROUGH IT AND I'M FULL OF PRIDE, BUT I WAS NEVER ALONE, U WERE ALL THERE, RIGHT BY MY SIDE-I DON'T WANT TO UPSET U, THAT'S JUST NOT ME, I'M EXPLAINING MY TREATMENT AND LIFE WITH HEP C.
We exert so much energy in to trying to be as active, attentive, energetic and reliable as we were before treating. To overhear such a thing (while you were doing laundry by yourself, no less) must have been incredibly hurtful.
The stress and awareness of not being the person we once were while treating can really zap a lot of our energy. To top that off, for many of us it seems like those feelings are doubled after we treat.I bet you were very aware of the suffering of others before you started treatment. It just seems like that would have to be the case since otherwise you would lack the compassion and empathy to put yourself in someone else's place.
The stress and awareness of not being the person we once were while treating can really zap a lot of our energy. To top that off, for many of us it seems like those feelings are doubled after we treat.I bet you were very aware of the suffering of others before you started treatment. It just seems like that would have to be the case since otherwise you would lack the compassion and empathy to put yourself in someone else's place.
I guess I should be as patient with my family as I want them to be with me. I have so much not only to remember but to relearn. Thanx. You are a prism of light.
Hey there, as I mentioned in your journal, this was great. It really touched me and I am right there with you. Bravo
Dee
Dee
Thank you for your kind words, I did not realize what my family was feeling until my 16 year old daughter had to do an essay on strength, and I was the topic of the essay. (by the way, she got an A on it) I cried when she read it to me and told her I wished she could have told me how she felt. She stated in her essay how I was sick but continued to be me, Mom. She was scared I was going to die and felt if we didn't get along, or admitted that she should help me, that meant everything was normal, that nothing was wrong with me. Teenage daughters are suppose to fight with their moms, and act selfish. After talking with the rest of my kids, ages 10, 13, 16, and 19-they all seemed to feel the same way. Even my husband. They were all in denial that I could be sick. I am doing a second round of treatment with alot of help from my family--They realized it's ok for MOM to be sick for a lil while cause the end results will make me be here for a long time. I'm glad this was helpful and good luck with your treatment. Remember, your family loves you and they are just scared.
I'm sorry I made you cry, but It's nice to know others can relate. I hope people who are going through this and suffer with the depression can see another side of treatment. Yes its hard on those of us going through it but it also affects those that love us. I guess my message is to keep your head up and not give up, stay strong and try to maintain a normal life. It goes faster then you anticipate in the beginning. Good luck on your treatment.
I am so grateful for this Poem. You touched on a point that should not be overlooked. The contempt thing - The first time I went through treatment with just SOC, i was downstairs doing laundry when I overhood my family talking about me. They felt disssed. I needed all the help I could get and they were dissapointed that things really weren't the same. I felt very misunderstood and much like an underdog, somehow shirking my duties by not doing them well enough or not at all. When I just wanted to be loved and spoken too, some of my relatives were just tired of me being the center of attention. Wow Just makes one want to howl like a cayote.
This experience has made me much more cognizant of others silent suffering. Ding - you held up a mirror for me. You are an inspiration and I bow to your courage. Thank you.
This experience has made me much more cognizant of others silent suffering. Ding - you held up a mirror for me. You are an inspiration and I bow to your courage. Thank you.
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