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joke of the Day
by DragonSlayer45, Sep 13, 2009 07:06PM
Sorry I have not be on in a while. My computer was down (power supply went bad) and I have been real busy with work and kids.
I just thought I would pop in and post a "joke of the day" to help lighten the day for all who treat. A little laughter is always good medicine! Hope this helps
MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss my a$$.'
I just thought I would pop in and post a "joke of the day" to help lighten the day for all who treat. A little laughter is always good medicine! Hope this helps
MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss my a$$.'
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Good to see you posting again!
Take care..
ONE MORNING 3 ALABAMA GOOD OLD BOYS AND 3 YANKEES WERE IN A TICKET LINE AT THE BIRMINGHAM TRAIN STATION HEADING TO ATLANTA FOR A BIG FOOTBALL GAME.
THE 3 NORTHERNERS EACH BOUGHT A TICKET AND WATCHED AS THE 3 SOUTHERNERS BOUGHT JUST ONE TICKET AMONG THEM.
"HOW ARE THE 3 OF YOU GOING TO TRAVEL ON ONE 1 TICKET?" ASKED ONE OF THE YANKEES.
"WATCH AND LEARN" ANSWERED ONE OF THE BOYS FROM THE SOUTH.
WHEN THE 6 TRAVELERS BOARDED THE TRAIN, THE 3 YANKEES SAT DOWN, BUT THE 3 SOUTHERNERS CRAMMED INTO A BATHROOM TOGETHER AND CLOSED THE DOOR.
SHORTLY AFTER THE TRAIN DEPARTED, THE CONDUCTOR CAME AROUND TO COLLECT TICKETS.
HE KNOCKED ON THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SAID, "TICKETS PLEASE." THE DOOR OPENED JUST A CRACK AND A SINGLE ARM EMERGED WITH A TICKET IN HAND. THE CONDUCTOR TOOK IT AND MOVED ON.
THE YANKEES SAW THIS HAPPEN AND AGREED IT WAS QUITE A CLEVER IDEA. INDEED, SO CLEVER THAT THEY DECIDED TO DO THE SAME THING ON THE RETURN TRIP AND SAVE SOME MONEY.
THAT EVENING AFTER THE GAME WHEN THEY GOT TO THE ATLANTA TRAIN STATION, THEY BOUGHT A SINGLE TICKET FOR THE RETURN TRIP WHILE TO THEIR ASTONISHMENT THE 3 SOUTHERNERS DIDN'T BUY EVEN 1 TICKET.
"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TRAVEL WITHOUT A TICKET?" ASKED ONE OF THE PERPLEXED YANKEES.
"WATCH AND LEARN", ANSWERED ONE OF THE SOUTHERN BOYS.
WHEN THEY BOARDED THE TRAIN THE 3 NORTHERNERS CRAMMED THEMSELVES INTO A BATHROOM AND THE 3 SOUTHERNERS CRAMMED THEMSELVES INTO THE OTHER BATHROOM ACROSS FROM IT.
SHORTLY AFTER THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE, ONE OF THE SOUTHERNERS LEFT THEIR BATHROOM AND WALKED QUIETLY OVER TO THE YANKEE'S BATHROOM. HE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND SAID "TICKET PLEASE".
THERE'S JUST NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH TO EXPLAIN HOW THE YANKEES WON THE WAR.
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you. He said, '**** him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be f***** if he needed glasses".
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went..
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Here comes my favourite:
Two atoms sat in a bar when one of them bursts out "OH NO!! I'VE LOST AN ELECTRON!!" "Are you sure??" the other replies. "Yeah, I'm positive"
=P
Most of my friends think it's stupid. Gotta have a joke like that when I'm going to be a chemist =P
I am throwing in my fathers joke too. He is a gynaecologist, and in gyneacologist-jokes of course the women's ovaries can talk together:
The old couple where lying in their bed and the husband says to her wife "Should we give it a try tonight?"
"It's no use", the wife says, "you know it won't work".
"But I have come up with an idea" the husband replies, goes into the bathroom and returns with his penis taped on to two ice-toggles and they head on.
Afterwards the one ovary says to the other: "I think that was the last time we saw him since he came on a stretcher"
out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK ?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives
and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow
to be bred ?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
'And what, pray tell, is the nail for ?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
Ok, I got one more:
A guy is pulled over for speeding and the cop comes over and asks for his licence and registration. "I don't have a licence", the guy says to him, "but I think I saw the registration when I put my gun in the glove compartment.
"You have a gun in the glovedepartment?" the offiser asks, a bit shocked.
"Yeah, I used it to kill the guy who owns this car. He's lying in the trunk." "You have a dead guy in the trunk?" the officer stutters. Now he's getting a bit nervous and calls for backup. The backup arrives and a new offiser approaches the car and says to the guy "My colleague her tells me you have a gun in the glove compartment and a dead guy in the trunk??"
"That f**king a$$hole" the guy responds "That idiot probably accuses me for speeding too"
A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!