A little down...

Hi Grace,

I was diagnosed with genital HSV1 last week (culture). I know it’s not the end of the world, as far as I’m concerned I’m glad to have all 4 limbs and that this isn’t life threatening. I actually wasn’t all that worried about it until I started reading stuff online, people talking about wanting to kill themselves and other people saying that anyone who sleeps with someone with herpes is crazy. So now, after reading this stuff, I’m upset. My doctor was really unhelpful in giving me any positive insight or information (as a matter of fact, after she diagnosed me, she said she once dated a guy who told her he had herpes and she dumped him...real helpful!), which is why I’m turning to you (maybe I should get another doctor). Anyway, I’m really worried about my dating/sex life from here on out. I’m a 25yr. old attractive girl, & I don’t have a hard time meeting guys. I’m smart and I have a good job, so I really feel like this puts a damper on things. I’m friends with a guy who seems to really like me, & I think eventually it may go somewhere. I’m very nervous about telling him this news when or if it comes down to it. I just have a few questions pertaining to HSV1.

-Exactly how many outbreaks/recurrences are common for HSV1? I‘m getting a lot of mixed answers in my online research. I’m just getting over my first outbreak now...

-If I use condoms AND take valtrex when sexually active (I’m on valtrex now), what are the chances of spreading to my partner, whether they have oral HSV1 or not? What about not using condoms, but taking valtrex?

-From your experience, what are people’s general reactions when someone tells them they have genital herpes? I know if someone really likes me, they’ll deal with it, but I’m just afraid of being an outcast. I was never big on one night stands but I’ve had one or two, I guess those days are over for me! (fyi, I didn’t get this from a one night stand...)

-I’m also nervous about any guilt I might have if/when I give my future boyfriend/husband herpes. I know there are dating sites for people with herpes but I don’t want to limit myself. I know you’re not a therapist but if there’s anything you could say to stop me from thinking this way, I’d appreciate it.

-The statistics I keep reading say that 50-60 million people have herpes-is this genital only, or both? I’m assuming if this many people have genital herpes, most of them are in relationships with people who don’t, which makes me feel better.

Any more general info. (or a website) on HSV1 would be very much appreciated. I can only seem to dig info up on genital HSV2, and I know there are some differences (right?).

Sorry for all the questions,  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your time. I know most of this is “mental”, and I will most likely have greater challenges than this at some point in my life!

[jigsaw13]

ceej

I hope it helps to hear this from a 28yr old guy...
If I was attracted to you, genital HSV-1 wouldn't really get in the way. All that you feel is as normal as the sun setting for someone just diagnosed. Be assured by the knowledge that HSV-1 genitally doesn't really break out or shed much in the genital region and if you choose to take valtrex then it will hardly be a physical issue.  As the the old adage goes... if you don't have herpes, you haven't lived ;). good luck

[petal130]

Hi ceej1985 -

I too have genital HSV1, diagnosed about 2 years ago. My boyfriend had had oral herpes since he was a teen (we're both in our 40's), but in the 5 years we were together, he had never had an outbreak. Neither one of us knew it could be transmitted via oral sex, without him being symptomatic.

That being said, it's now two years later, and I'm single and dating again. You're in a different place in your life than I am, but I think truly that any man who really comes to like/love/adore you (heehee) will look past your herpes. I know that may not sound easy or reassuring, but I think it's a safe bet that if you put on your pretend cap and that if the situation was reversed (you met that dreamy awesome guy - who happened to have genital herpes), that you'd most likely - at the very least - become educated as to what that means for you. And the true prize is that about 1/2 (if not more) of the population your age already has HSV1 - so it's a non-issue. AND, even if your boyfriend doesn't have HSV1, the risk of transmission is small, because HSV1 genitally sheds infrequently, and outbreaks are also not often - if ever again.

I've had to tell one man I've dated, and it was fine, he already had oral herpes. Grace can give you some pointers, but it's safe to say the approach needs to be a confident one, and that you need to know your partners STD status just as much as they need to know yours! Don't assume your partner is HSV1 or HSV2 free. Education/knowledge is power - once you know all the facts about herpes, both oral and genital, you can confidently tell your partner when the time is ready.

Absolutely no need to go on herpes dating sites exclusively. Why limit yourself? Aside from the fact that the majority of match.com folks statistically have some form of herpes - and, you're not a leper! You're YOU with an extremely common skin condition.

You can read the Herpes Handbook - an awesome resource courtesy of Terri Warren (our medhelp herpes expert) here:
http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook/view_the_chapters.html

Also, Terri has a great book too ""The Good News About the Bad News" - it goes into far more detail and is very helpful for newly diagnosed people and their partners http://thegoodnewsaboutthebadnews.com/

Another great site for oral herpes is:
http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn_oralherpes.cfm oral herpes

You may want to reconsider taking Valtrex daily, as there's no proof it reduces shedding any more than if you don't take it. I only take it when I have an outbreak, which as been two small ones since I was diagnosed (well, and a horrific primary outbreak).

Indeed most of it is mental, initially. Even I had a tough time, and felt a bit resentful to my partner who had oral herpes and I got stuck with genital. But, now it is such a non-event in my life, even in dating. I don't have time for a man who is going to throw in the towel because I have herpes. I am worth much, much more than that. There are so many other challenges in a relationship, and herpes, quite honestly is an easy one.

[ceej1985]

Petal-Thanks so much, your response really helped me. I guess my main concern is, can I blame someone for not wanting to be with me after I tell them I have HSV? I'm trying to put myself in their shoes and I'm not even sure what I would do. I know HSV1 isn't easily transmitted genitally, but that's how I got it, so I feel like since it happened to me (keep in mind condoms weren't used when it happened to me...), it'll likely happen to someone else. I really want to take all precautions to prevent this, and I just feel like it's going to be very difficult. I'd think condoms would be effective, obviously without an outbreak, but God forbid my partner got it I imagine I'd feel very guilty...any words of advice? This really is my main concern, my future partner. I'm not even concerned about my own body because I know I can handle it.

[ceej1985]

I also appreciate your comment, that made me feel better. I'm not sure how guys will react to this, I'm hoping they're something like you!

[petal130]

I think that your thoughts are incredibly common, and normal, upon first finding out that you have genital herpes. Time really does make a difference I think. And you're just being honest when you say you don't know what you'd do - but then that's how life is with most things that are tossed our way, don't you think? You never know unless you truly walk in those shoes. Chances are a potential partner won't go running for the hills as soon has he hears the word herpes  :-)  And if he does, it may because he's just not that into you, or that you're a slob, or a neat freak, or he hates your cats, or your friends, or yes - your herpes.

And remember, you're assuming that he'll be HSV negative. MOST people have herpes. It's more the norm than not. And, if he doesn't, you'll have a discussion about that, along with a myriad of other things that come along with moving forward in a relationship.

[gracefromHHP]

I'm glad petal saw this post :)  She's my living with genital hsv1 gal!!  Ditto to everything that's been said by petal and jigsaw so far in this thread!!  herpes is such small potatoes in the big picture!

I contracted hsv2 genitally when I was 19. I've had to deal with it almost all my sexually active life. It hasn't really been an issue for me. Obviously I've gotten much more comfortable with it over time and now I tell everyone about herpes in general as part of my hobby as a herpes patient advocate but it wasn't always so easy. I've only ever had 2 guys decide it was too much risk for them ( and yes I've told more than 2...he he he ). All the rest it was a no issue for them.  My current partner is also hsv2+ but he never knew that until he got tested to see what his status was before we started having sex.   talk about a surprise for him!


So do you hold it against someone that hears you have genital herpes and then high tails it the other way? well if they have a knee jerk reaction to hearing you have herpes, well that annoys  me to no end personally. if someone takes the time to do some basic reading and educates themselves and then decides it's too much for them - that I can respect.  Lots of posts here from others about talking about herpes, info in the handbook petal already recommended as well as I have a ton of journal posts under my profile here on medhelp about all sorts of things related to herpes and talking about it with partners!

keep asking questions!

grace

[ceej1985]

Hi Grace,

Thanks so much for your response, I appreciate it. Would you be able to tell me the likelihood of transmission in gHSV1? With/without condoms? And if there's any medication that may further reduce transmission with HSV1? Some people say it's not an issue since a lot of people already have the oral kind, but I'm not sure I believe that? The guy I was with had in genitally and had no idea whatsoever (very trustworthy, I believe him). I wonder if I give it to someone genitally, if they'll also have no idea whatsoever. I guess I happened to be one of the “lucky” ones who got an outbreak. I almost wish I didn’t get one so that what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me! (Terrible, I know...)

Thanks again.

[gracefromHHP]

we don't have transmission stats for hsv1 genitally. it doesn't shed often and doesn't reoccur very often so overall the odds of transmission are considered to be low. 60% of adults in the US alone have hsv1 orally so the odds of finding someone who already has it orally are pretty high.  

odds are the fellow you were with had it orally. most folks who have it orally don't get obvious cold sores to know it. most folks who have it genitally, got very obvious genital symptoms which is how they get diagnosed.

[ceej1985]

Thanks Grace. He didn't perform oral sex on me, however. That's where my confusion lies...maybe I had it before and happened to have my first outbreak after him?

[gracefromHHP]

yes that very well could be the situation indeed.

[ceej1985]

Hi again petal, I'm coming back to you because I could use any words of advice right now, and you seem to be the person to go to (lucky you!...).

I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I have gHSV1, but I am just a wreck about the possibility of transmitting to my future partner. It's all I think about. If you don't mind answering, have you had sex since gHSV1 (with or without condoms), and has it been transmitted since? Also, I know you said if someone has oral HSV1, it's a non-issue, but there are some people on this site that swear they had HSV1 before, and still contracted in genitally...

I feel like as long as I always use condoms, it shouldn't be a problem, but I just imagine being devastated if a guy I was with got an outbreak like I did...(I'm hoping I never get an outbreak again!).

Also, I'd like your opinion on this: can't people with gHSV-1 just say they have HSV1 and not specify whether it's genital or oral? It seems like the odds of getting gHSV1 via oral sex are greater than genital to genital, so people should be more aware of someone having oral herpes anyway...

Thanks again for your input:)

[petal130]

I don't know how much I can help you - I never have had that same sense of worry. Too many other relationship dingers out there - not my herpes. Still, I think you're putting way too much weight on this - too many "what-ifs" which only becomes an anxiety ridden burden for no reason. I don't have a sense of devastation were I to transmit my herpes to a future partner. And, I can say that my partner was not devastated when we found out he transmitted it to me. It was what it was - unfortunate - but clearly didn't impact any aspect of our relationship (again, herpes is easy to control - personalities, quirks - well that's a bit more difficult). When I found out initially, we both felt badly about it, and then that was that and life went on.

As to your last point, it's easiest to answer by asking you, how would you feel if you found out your partner knowingly lied to you about his herpes location? I'm a firm believer in honesty - it's the cornerstone for any successful relationship.

All in all, I think you're spending way too much energy dwelling on the what-ifs. When you meet someone, take it one step at a time. Herpes, once you're past the who-has-what-where factor really, in my experience, is such a minuscule part of determining the future or sustainability of a relationship.

Hope that helps, and if I sounded at all preachy, I don't mean to :-)

[gullableyeah]

i would look for someone with some maturity . women are much more mature than men in my experience. yes im a guy and saying that. 25 for men is a rough age for real commitment. look a little in the older range 10 years and i think u will be fine.dean

[ceej1985]

gullable, I've dated 25, 35, and everything in between... they're all the same! I guess my question wasn't really asking about commitment, but the likelihood of a guy bailing after telling him I have HSV1...

[petal130]

I don't think age has anything to do with it. Men can be ***** and immature at age 21 or 51. And they can be kind, thoughtful and not care about your herpes at those ages, too.

ceej1985, how on earth can any of us predict what a guy will do? All I can tell you is it's the LEAST of my worries when meeting a man and moving forward, be it a short-term or long-term thing.

[ceej1985]

petal, you're very right. The more I've thought about it, the more I've thought, well supposedly 80% of people have HSV1, so I should be thankful I don't have HSV2 or worse. This is not a big deal. I think I mostly blame my doctor (very unhelpful) for freaking me out over this...I've had to get most of my answers from the internet, which can be frightening for ANYthing body-related. I really appreciate everything, you've definitely helped me the most!!!

[gullableyeah]

hey sorry i didnt mean to not be helpful. i have hsv 1 also had since i was a kid . most ppl have some form of it. how long ago did u find out?i found out 9 months ago it will get better!!!  smile