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Admitting to herpes
This is my first step, posting this here with my face for all to see. I feel gross and I have no self esteem anymore. Sex was a huge part of my life and my happiness. I have been carrying this around with me for to long. The weight of this has distorted me as a person. I have admitted only once to having herpes, an ex. He took it hard I really should say he took it out hard on me, himself and everyone else. He started doing speed and shooting up again he even held me down, push me around to try and get me to do it with him. He bloodied up my friends face, then attacked my new bf at work 6months after we broke up. He threatend my life by useing a knife. He repeatively broke into my house every night the cops did little to stop him, he would brake in while i was home and when i wasnt. If I was there I was so scared for my life I would have to run out of my apartment while he was coming through my window then call the cops to get him out. I didnt have the heart to press charges. If i wasnt home and he broke in he would leave notes, left the window open, moved my **** around, eat my food and sleep there. He tore a 4 by 4ft hole in my wall. He called my work to tell them about it and told them I have HIV on top of it. Told everyone I knew everyone sided with his abuse even me. It was disturbing how hard it is to get a restraining order in portland, OR. The judge was about to throw my case out because i didnt press charges so there was no record of his removel from my apartment on several accounts. The only reason I was able to get a restraining order was because he had several fire arm convications and other felonies. What a nightmare, I had to stay with the person that KNOWINGLY gave me herpes to have a place to sleep at night that was half safe. How belittleing.
His reaction to it ... Half of me feels like I fully diserved it, I wish he could have known how terrible I felt and how much I hated myself for doing what another did to me. That probably would have meant nothing to him. I wish I could take it back not because of his reaction but because I hurt someone and I have made myself pay for it. The other half of me feels like this ******* ******* diserved it and I was dealing him a large dose of Karma. Apparently there are a lot of restraining orders out there from women placed in the same situation I was because of this guy. With ALL that said and done... I am affraid to tell anyone. I feel like if I do I will be punished for it. SO I just use condoms. Is that really enough though? I have over heard others say it is... but personally I dont know how I feel. It is there rite for them to know you are putting them at rise but what about my rite to privacy? Are you takeing enough personal responsiblity by just useing a condom and NOT telling a partner? 1 in 4 people have herpes rite... so why do we never hear about it? Why is it spreading so quickly? It seems like very few people are taking that personal responsiblity. You never hear about it from others unless you admit to it first (or so i hear) Its like a secret society that lives in shame. Can I please revoke my invite to the club? It was a lousy invite at that.
His reaction to it ... Half of me feels like I fully diserved it, I wish he could have known how terrible I felt and how much I hated myself for doing what another did to me. That probably would have meant nothing to him. I wish I could take it back not because of his reaction but because I hurt someone and I have made myself pay for it. The other half of me feels like this ******* ******* diserved it and I was dealing him a large dose of Karma. Apparently there are a lot of restraining orders out there from women placed in the same situation I was because of this guy. With ALL that said and done... I am affraid to tell anyone. I feel like if I do I will be punished for it. SO I just use condoms. Is that really enough though? I have over heard others say it is... but personally I dont know how I feel. It is there rite for them to know you are putting them at rise but what about my rite to privacy? Are you takeing enough personal responsiblity by just useing a condom and NOT telling a partner? 1 in 4 people have herpes rite... so why do we never hear about it? Why is it spreading so quickly? It seems like very few people are taking that personal responsiblity. You never hear about it from others unless you admit to it first (or so i hear) Its like a secret society that lives in shame. Can I please revoke my invite to the club? It was a lousy invite at that.
i'm glad you took that first step, mallory. that first step is definitely the biggest and most difficult, and i'm very glad that the person you were with was supportive and cool. like i said before, most people will appreciate your honesty, and given that herpes affects approximately 25% of the people in this country (possibly more by some figures), you are definitely not alone. you may try finding a local support group to go to. the more you talk about it and get it out in the open, generally the more comfortable you will become with it, and there will be people there going through the exact same thing you are who will be there to help you through it.
Last night I hung out with an ex from a long time ago, before all this. Things got a little heated, I told him. He asked a bunch of questions, didnt get weird on me at all and said things like, "I wish I had herpes now." and "who ever has herpes is a lucky guy because he will be able to have you." Then he just held me all night. It was very very bitter sweet. Releaf for admitting to it but the weight lifted just seemed to be replaced by insecurity for admitting it. All in all it was a great first step. Lossing the obility to do want you want sucks, expecially when you come across someone this cool.
I'm glad you have sought out support and are taking some steps to dealing with all of this :) I definitely recommend you seek out some counseling or a therapist too. You've been in an abusive relationship and you have low self esteem - you need someone there to help you work through those issues so that you don't repeat them. You should never, ever go through life thinking that you "deserve" anything other than good things. You have a lot of work to do to get over this man and his behavior I think from the sounds of things. Don't sell yourself short, get some help and realize who you really are.
Herpes can be controlled for the most part. Daily suppressive therapy will keep symptoms down to a dull roar for most folks. It also helps to reduce transmission to a partner. That said, you should never assume that that's an ok reason not to talk about your herpes with a potential partner. Don't talk about your herpes and they contract it, they can sue you. Plain and simple. You know you have it, you know that even though you are trying your best to reduce transmission to a partner it might still be transmitted, you have to discuss it. Also if you aren't talking about what you know you have, they might not be talking about what they know they have too. Hsv2 increases your risk of contracting hiv too so definitely talk about all std's and testing to know what your partner has. Also a lie of omission is still a lie and trust me when I tell you that if you think it's hard to talk about your herpes with a relative stranger in a new relationship, it's even harder yet to talk about it after they've contracted it or after you've been with them sexually. You really are doing yourself a big favor by bringing it up before you ever have sex with a partner. With your fragile self esteem right now, you really don't want to be giving anyone anything to use to make you feel worse about yourself. You have herpes, it's incredibly common. It's not a reason for someone to treat you as a lesser person.
keep posting :)
grace
Herpes can be controlled for the most part. Daily suppressive therapy will keep symptoms down to a dull roar for most folks. It also helps to reduce transmission to a partner. That said, you should never assume that that's an ok reason not to talk about your herpes with a potential partner. Don't talk about your herpes and they contract it, they can sue you. Plain and simple. You know you have it, you know that even though you are trying your best to reduce transmission to a partner it might still be transmitted, you have to discuss it. Also if you aren't talking about what you know you have, they might not be talking about what they know they have too. Hsv2 increases your risk of contracting hiv too so definitely talk about all std's and testing to know what your partner has. Also a lie of omission is still a lie and trust me when I tell you that if you think it's hard to talk about your herpes with a relative stranger in a new relationship, it's even harder yet to talk about it after they've contracted it or after you've been with them sexually. You really are doing yourself a big favor by bringing it up before you ever have sex with a partner. With your fragile self esteem right now, you really don't want to be giving anyone anything to use to make you feel worse about yourself. You have herpes, it's incredibly common. It's not a reason for someone to treat you as a lesser person.
keep posting :)
grace
i'm very sorry to hear about your situation... that's terrible and, like the person before me said, nobody should be put through that. also, what NewAtThis said about taking some time off from sex and getting your thoughts together and finding someone to talk to about it is very solid, good advice.
also, condoms, from what i understand, generally only cut the risk of spreading herpes down by about 50%, so i would strongly recommend telling whoever you are thinking of being intimate with about your situation. a condom is by no means a guarantee when it comes to herpes.
i totally understand the fear of being rejected ("punished," as you put it) by putting it out there and telling them you have herpes. it's not an easy thing to do, opening up like that. most people are understanding, though. they very well may opt to not be physical with you, but most people won't belittle you or talk down to you or insult you. they will appreciate your honesty. and given that 1 in 4 people in the united states have herpes, they may reply "hey, me too!" they may have been looking for a way to tell YOU that they have herpes, but couldn't think of how to do it. so be strong and be honest. it's the best route.
also, condoms, from what i understand, generally only cut the risk of spreading herpes down by about 50%, so i would strongly recommend telling whoever you are thinking of being intimate with about your situation. a condom is by no means a guarantee when it comes to herpes.
i totally understand the fear of being rejected ("punished," as you put it) by putting it out there and telling them you have herpes. it's not an easy thing to do, opening up like that. most people are understanding, though. they very well may opt to not be physical with you, but most people won't belittle you or talk down to you or insult you. they will appreciate your honesty. and given that 1 in 4 people in the united states have herpes, they may reply "hey, me too!" they may have been looking for a way to tell YOU that they have herpes, but couldn't think of how to do it. so be strong and be honest. it's the best route.
What I am going say sounds super cliche, sorry. What you went through is absolutly horrible and should never be the situation. That's not how the whole world is! Take some time off from sex and get your thoughts in order. It would be fantastic if you could find someone to talk to about it, whether a friend or a councelor if possible. Either way, take some time for yourself. The more okay you are with this the more likely you will find somebody who is understanding. My personal opinion, definatly tell the person before anything happens. It is their right to know and their choice to make, I would want to know! It is selfish to not tell someone. Hopefully they will be able to see through it all and will still want to be with you, but maybe not. It is a bigger issue with some people than others and there is a horrible stigma attatched, which is amusing since there is such a high incident rate. My limited experience is if you do tell the person upfront they are uaually able to deal with it. As far as transmission it is a little tricky to find hard facts, but all the information I have seen/heard says while a condom is helpful in reducing the risk it by no means eliminate all the risk, leaving a definate possibility of transmission. Hope this helps and good luck!
putting them at RISK not rise*** i am sure that wasnt my only type-o.. type-o??.. typeo typo.. lol
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Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
