Brokenhearted & Angry: Missing Connection with my Infected Wife - HELP PLEASE

Hi, I am married to an extraordinary woman -- she is beautiful inside and out, a yogi, healer, so uplifting and kind. Though our relationship has been entirely monogamous, of this I am entirely certain, she was given a visual diagnosis of HSV-2, followed by a lab diagnosis, a little more than a year ago. It was a complete shock to us both. Though I've had very few sexual partners, I have routinely had myself tested for the gamut. My tests have always come back completely clean, even for HSV 1 and 2, and all subsequent tests -- the last conducted about two months ago -- are also clean. (I've had them run every possible HSV test on me). I just don't have it. She does.

She has had extremely frequent -- as in, almost monthly -- outbreaks. It has greatly reduced out ability to have sex. As she is a very health-conscious person -- organic food, essential oils, no pharmacies, etc. -- she will not take Valtrex or other prescription meds to relieve symptoms, and nothing else has really seemed to work. So for weeks at a time, we're not having sex. Not long after her diagnosis, and despite my clean bill of health, she abruptly put a ban on oral sex, giving or receiving, so there's no intimacy in that fashion either.

I am trying to be loving, patient, and supportive through all of this. My wife is a truly amazing woman, but the sexual component of our relationship was always a very meaningful one -- a soulful, spiritual, joyful way to connect -- and its absence is an ongoing challenge for me.

Sexually, I feel completely neutered; I cannot be the sexual aggressor or initiator. I have to constantly wait to see if she's "available." (I know this is deeply frustrating for her too). I'm feeling diminished as a man, both by way of expressing myself to her and by way of receiving pleasure from her. (If she's having an outbreak, then we're both simply out of luck).

Emotionally, I'm having a really hard time with this. I miss the emotional closeness that a loving sexual relationship offers. What's more, I'm very angry about having to deal with this. She has often reflected on her free and expressive younger days, and the ways she has played and enjoyed herself in the past. I feel like I'm now stuck with the bill -- and the brick walls; the outbreaks, more specifically -- of someone else's good time. I'm the clean-up guy. It drives me crazy having to hear about her past or know that she even occasionally, strictly platonically, speaks to ex-boyfriends. I feel absolutely stuck in someone else's mess, deprived now for a good time once had. I know this is wrong-thinking, but I feel like I cannot connect with my wife in a very meaningful way. (Of couse, it's not nearly the only way, but it is an important one).

I guess my question is two-fold: 1) anyone have any ideas about how to emotionally work through these issues and grow a greater intimacy and bond with my wife? and 2) is it safe to have oral sex if one partner has HSV-2, what other sexual ways have you found to connect with your partner when only one of you is infected, what all-natural ways have you found to possibly relieve HSV-2 symptoms?

I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed, even, in the ways I am handling this situation. I miss the freedom and the romance and the clarity and connectedness our relationship once had, and am determined and devoted to work things out. I appreciate your input and insight, most truly.

[gracefromHHP]

First things first - she needs to return to her provider and get properly tested for yeast and bacterial infections genitally. You can have frequent herpes recurrences but for the most part folks don't so she needs to confirm that indeed it's all herpes going on for starters. Yeast and bacterial vaginal infections can mimick/trigger herpes recurrences so getting tested for them is the first step.  Since  this isn't a newly acquired infection for her, odds are something is going on that triggered it all to start up like this so she'll need further evaluation.

If nothing else is going on, talk to her about considering daily suppressive therapy for a few months to try to slow down the ob's and give you both time to get back on track with your relationship.  It's not something she has to commit to forever but obviously you both need a break from all of this.  There aren't any harmful side effects to taking it and she needs to stop being stubborn about it and do what's best for this relationship while it's recovering from the news about all of this.  All natural treatments don't really work effectively for genital herpes to be honest.  Some of them have far worse side effects than makes it worth it anyways.  I can't really recommend any of them to try.  I have a feeling that it's more than herpes going on anyways - clear up that problem and ob's should lessen.  

I also recommend that you talk to someone about your feelings about this - as in a professional counselor. It sounds like you are resentful about your wife's past and it's obviously not getting you anywhere is it?  So she sowed more oats than you did so to say - what really is wrong with that? She wouldn't be the joyful and wonderful person that she is today if she hadn't had had the exerperiences she had up until she met you.    If you can, get her to to with you to the counselor so that you can work on the issues she has too. I'm guessing she is fearing that if you get herpes from her, you'll hate her or leave her - she needs to be told that that isn't the case and it might take hearing it from you in front of a professional to make it sink it. Be aware she might need to hear that multiple times before she starts to believe it!  You  might not be telling her that you feel that you are "stuck with the bill" as you put it but perhaps your actions are speaking louder than words?

Sex is an important part of most marriages. Sure we can go without it but who wants to?  No reason to  not have oral sex - discuss if she'd be comfortable if you used barrier protection even to perform it on her. You can buy flavored condoms, cut one open and lay it over her genital area and perform oral over that.  As for regular sex - if you do nothing but avoid sex anytime she has symptoms, you are 96% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from her.  You were having sex before she found out she was infected and you didn't get infected - just keep reminding both ofyou of that.

grace