Do I tell?

Basic information

I was just diagnosed with Herpes type 2 in June of 2009. I have put myself in an awful situation. I have fallen in love with a man and not told him of my diagnosis. I think this happen because I am so scared of loosing him. I should have told him but I knew he would run. He constantly makes jokes about "herpes" and how he would NEVER date a women with any disease such as Herpes. We have been out and he has made comments like "Just shoot me and give me Herpes" as if it he would rather die than get this. He works with this disease on almost a daily basis and still holds the stigma that everyone else has~~~. I thought we were fine bc we had used condoms and I was on a antiviral suggested medication. Well ..............we have had unprotected sex many times in the last month. Before we had sex he asked me if I had anything. I lied and said no, as I had just been tested and on paper and  everything was negative [because they do not routinely test for Herpes type 2]. What I did not tell him is mo earlier I tested + to a culture d/t a severe breakout.I feel like a terrible person and I am sure I am one bc I should tell him but he is the most loving, giving person I have ever met. I know without a doubt he WILL leave me if I tell him. He said once having a life long sexually disease is unacceptable.
Questions:

1. Am I in the minority for not wanting to tell? 80% of people who have Herpes type 2 don't even know they have it so although not moral why can't I pretend I am one of them. I know I can get sued; I know this is REALLY bad but I am scared. I love this man and don't want to loose him. I know I will from his past comments he has extreme fear.

2.  Before I had herpes I was ALWAYS was irritated in the vagina area after sex and shaving. Now I ALWAYS have irritation and itching~ So how the heck do I know when to avoid sex!!!!! I currently am red and itching with read bumps. No blisters or sores. HELP

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Yes, you are in a very difficult situation.  You are not in the minority for not wanting to tell, I'm sure 100% of people with herpes would like not to tell!  But I do believe, according to studies that have been done, that you are in the minority of those who don't tell.  

I hate to say it, but I think you are going to lose this man.  At some point, you are either going to infect him or tell him, and either way, it sounds like he is out of there.  He sounds a bit closed minded to me, but if that's how he is, then he is and you seem to love him anyway.  But there is now no way out for you, to put it honestly.  You can certainly infect him when you have no symptoms and it sounds like you were recently infected which means you are probably shedding more than average right now if indeed your infection is new, as it sounds.  

From my standpoint, it is better to either 1) end this with some other excuse about why you are doing it or 2) tell him and let him end it or 3) wait until he gets infected, which he could, and then deal with those consequences, which are going to be both ugly and hurtful for both of you.    How will you feel in 5 years if you infect him, knowing the truth and don't tell him?  How will you feel in five years if you tell him and he ends the relationship with you because you have herpes?  I would feel worse with option A than option B, how about you?

I think you should stop having sex with him until you tell him or end the relationship.  Put yourself in his place - would you want to be there?  I KNOW this is very hard for you, I totally understand, you've backed yourself into a major corner, and I'm sure you aren't the first person to do that, but you can stop this.  And if you decide not to tell him and continue to have sex with him, then you should certainly be on daily therapy to reduce the risk of infecting him.  I'm assuming you are already doing this, but if not, do it now.  

I'm not judging you at all - I'm suggesting that your life and his life can be very negatively impacted by your deception, and it should end.  You are playing with fire and someone else's health, someone who has expressed very significant preferences for not getting infected with something you know you have!  You know what's correct here, I encourage you to do the right thing, no matter how uncomfortable.  This is just my opinion, perhaps other people have other opinions.  Perhaps you should ask someone else as well.  Best of luck with this very difficult decision.

Terri

[yasmin1067]

You are right in your answer and everyday it does get harder to live the lie that I thought would be so easy. I am on antivirals daily and bc I have such sensitive it is hard for me to tell if I am having an outbreak or just my usual itching and irritation I always got prior from shaving and or sex. With 80% of Herpes diagnosis going unnoticed for something else I wish I did not know. Now I have to either pretend I am the 80% or tell and for sure be rejected. I sucks!  I think I am going to give it a month and tell him I swiched OBGYNs so had another yearly exam and had them do even the non-normal tests. At that point I will tell him the blood work came back positive for Herpes type 2.  Than he can decide. In my head I keep telling myself he only has a 4-10% chance of getting this and he has probally already been exposed in the past. Maybe he is + for this but I doubt it as he seems to be VERY scared of getting Herpes. Here I am his so called "Perfect" with his hated nasty disease of Herpes. I would NEVER give up a man for this [I dated a man for 2 years that had Herpes and Never got it and then years later got it from a short relationship]. I think most men are different because they are more defined by sex and sexual encounters.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Let me know how this goes for you, OK?

Terri

[forever44444]

wow.  you are really being selfish.  don't you wish the person who infected you gave you a choice?  what you are doing, it's so unfair on so many levels.  and do you actually think you can build a relationship on lies?  you have probably already infected him if you've had sex multiple times, and you can't even tell when your outbreaks are.  i'd say your only option is to break up with him (make up some excuse) him and then find some way to anonymously tell him, like making an anonymous email address, or asking a medical worker to call him anonymously for you.

[yasmin1067]

No thank you!!!! 80-90 percent of people who have this do not know. So they are living and acting as they do not have it! The stigma about Herpes is so strong many people find themselves in a similar situation.......I am an honest person in a bad situation. If you wan't to be Jesus and tear me apart; there are so many people more worthy. If this is the worst lie I have told in my life I am doing well. I really do not believe 80-90 percent of people do not know they have herpes! I believe they know but pretend [or do not report] they do not because the stigma is so strong. In reality with precautions taken any individual is less likely to catch herpes from me than someone who "has no idea". About 3-5% per year when one avoids sex during outbreaks or [pre-symptoms], on antivirals.  If you want to make a change help find a cure, start a website to change the stigma, picket OBGYNs offices to include herpes in anual screenings, promote safe sex at high schools etc. Leave me alone bc I am not the problem, just a person who refuses to let a 4% risk define my relationships. Maybe I am wrong or maybe I am like the 80-90 percent of the people who do not know. I will decide which side of the spectrum I fall.

[forever44444]

"I am an honest person in a bad situation."

No, you are lying, and it's not even a lie by omission b/c he asked you if you were clean and you lied!!

"there are so many people more worthy."

There are worse things you can catch than Herpes, like HIV for example.  However, you are just as bad as all the other non-informing people.

"I really do not believe 80-90 percent of people do not know they have herpes! I believe they know but pretend [or do not report] they do not because the stigma is so strong."

You can believe whatever you want, but they get these statistics by testing a large population using herpes serology blood tests, and then give surveys on whether they have every experienced symptoms.  the obgyn that diagnosed me for herpes tests all pregnant women for it.  she said "you don't know how many people i tell have herpes every day, who had no idea they had it."

"In reality with precautions taken any individual is less likely to catch herpes from me than someone who "has no idea". About 3-5% per year when one avoids sex during outbreaks or [pre-symptoms], on antivirals."

Well, if you want to talk about not believing statistics, I have had sex approximately 18 times in my whole life and I have HSV-2.  I caught it through a condom.  So, personally, I doubt these transmission statistics.  It only takes 1 time.

"Maybe I am wrong or maybe I am like the 80-90 percent of the people who do not know."

OMG.....NO!!! You are not like the 80% who don't know - BECAUSE YOU DO KNOW.  You are here posting on a forum stating that you have herpes.  You have had visible outbreaks.

"I will decide which side of the spectrum I fall."

I don't take back what I said.  What you are doing is wrong!!! You are not giving him a choice, it's just not fair.  I wish I was given a choice, don't you??  You still have a chance to make things right, to fix what you are doing.  Read Terri's advice again

[yasmin1067]

Go away and get off my post!

[yasmin1067]

Sorry so harsh, I can understand where you are coming from.
There is a BIG difference bt HIV and Herpes. A matter of fact there is NO comparison! I don't really care that I have herpes in a medical since. It is not that bothersome or life threatning. They are cold sores for gods sake!!!!! I dated someone for 2 years that had herpes and NEVER got. We NEVER used condoms and we just avoided sex when he had pre-outbreak symptoms or a outbreak. I got it years later from a man that I had sex with about 10 times.Looking back he had a small sore on his penis where he said he had cut himself while masterbating (masturbating).  He was not on antivirals, we did not use a condom and he was having an outbreak. No I am not mad at him and I do wish he would have told me. I was not mad at him bc I knew her must have been so  afriad tell me in fear of loosing me~ He still denies it but it has not ruined my life and it will not control my life either. You are right that I should tell but there are ALOT of tings in life we should do that we don't~ I am going to live my life as if I do not know like the 80-90 percent of people out there. Why? Because Herpes won't kill anyone, the people who don't know they have it are no different than me other than the fact "they do not know", I will not let this destroy or control me. Please try to fix the world in another way and save your breath with me~~~~

[PABM]

I am in no way judging anyone and although I understand you I encourage you to be honest with yourself. You can not EVER have something good if you start off bad. The fact of the matter remains that you DO know you have HSV2 and cannot pretend that you don’t because you DO. You are right, it is not that bad in a medical standpoint, BUT when you truly care about a person, you think about them before yourself (which I think the true meaning of love is)....when you can put another person before yourself. Right now, it seems as though you are thinking about yourself more than anyone else. I have been with my boyfriend for one year and I just found out that I am HSV2 positive in my annual lab work with gyno, and the first person I ran to tell was him because I love him so much. I wanted to protect HIM before me. I really do not think I got it from him. With that said, I find that the only thing that keeps me healthy is being at peace (mind, body, and soul). If it is true that you feel at peace knowing and "pretending" like is no big deal, then why are you always on this blog?? Why did you seek out ATerry and the opinion of others?? BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT IS NOT RIGHT! I just hope you realize what you are doing, this deception will haunt you when it all unfolds and you find yourself destroyed when the truth comes out, just a matter of time… Its not the herpes that will haunt you but the deception and the hard lesson that you will learn in the long run. Why do you want to be "the girl that ruined my life" in your boyfriends eyes? In this life, it is not the problems that will break us, its the way we handle them. What really counts is  person’s integrity. I am sorry if I sound like I am lecturing you but I am not, I just feel for you and wish I can save you from more pain emotionally, does not have to be this way.

[yasmin1067]

You think you did not get this from your BF~???? How can you be so sure he did not know~~Have him tested my friend as well as yourself to make sure this is not a new infection~~~ Your BF might be like me or he might be the 80-90 percent who does not know. How do you know for sure? Let me guess ............he would never do this to you>>>>>>>>>>>>>Or could he love you so much he could not bear to loose you. I guess you will think he would never do this to you, because he is not like me. Or maybe he is like me scared, in love and did not want to loose you. Judge me but also don't be so sure he is not me...........................Your answer will be HE WOULD NEVER!!!!! Just as my BF answer would be if he got this from me~~~~~

[debb151]

I feel your pain. I have HSV1 and when I like a guy and he pushes to kiss etc, I really don't know what to do- should I tell him ? I need time to prepare myself for the talk..

You don't have to tell this guy, but you need to break up with him and stop the sex. Tell him you have a UTI and you can't have sex. SHould give you a few weeks. Then you can decide if/how you will tell him.

If you do tell him you can ask if he had cold sores and then say herpes is like cold sores. Or you can say your ex had herpes and you still dated your ex. That should give him a clue that you might have it too? But do something. Don't lead the guy on.

[PABM]

Correction, I did not think (at the time ) I had gotten it from him, and DID get him tested and he is negative and me western blot +........sooo, yes, I did do what I had to do and get US tested and had to deal with things the right way upon finding out. I feel for you is all I am saying. I cannot, and am not trying to change your mind because by the looks of it, your mind is already made up....live the lie. I just feel for you.

[forever44444]

Look I know my post made me sound like a jerk.  We all feel for you here...honestly, I wish I could just not have herpes.  Or just not know I have herpes.  But not of us here have that convenience.  I just want you to do the right thing.  

As PABM said, if you really do care for this guy and love him, then you have to tell him.

If you tell him now, early on in the relationship, he might forgive you.  You still could have a future.  But you can't build a lasting relationship on a lie like this.

I think you are confused about how contagious herpes is.  Really, I caught it through a condom from a man with no visible signs.  He thought he was clean (or lied to me, not sure) b/c he was so insistent about it and had "health papers" to prove it.  We only had sex 3x.  Ughhh I was so naive!!  Anyway, my point is, some people are not that contagious, and don't spread it to their partners.  You don't know if you are one of those people.  You have two things working against you (1) recently contracted herpes and (2) you have visible outbreaks.  He might already have caught it from you.

If you are on here asking, you know what you are doing is wrong.  That's why I am posting here, not bc I'm an activist for the herpes cause.  I post bc I know that you feel guilty and want to do the right thing, but are in part scared about what might happen, and in part selfish about wanting to be with this man.  I guess I feel my advice might help you to do what is right.....but this is your life, you do what you want.  I hope you make the right decision though, bc even if you lose this man, you can still live with yourself and be at peace in your own mind.  

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Just to set the record straight:  you did NOT catch herpes through a condom.  Condoms reduce the risk of transmission by 30-50% because condoms don't cover all the areas of skin that could be shedding virus, not because virus goes through the condom.

Terri

[forever44444]

Right...well, I caught herpes when I had sex with a condom.  So, maybe I have it orally or maybe I have it somewhere in that area that the condom did not cover.  I don't really know, I have never had a herpes sore.  It doesn't really matter though because as I have gathered from the info on this site (1) asymptomatic shedding occurs in the entire anal/genital area and (2) if you have hsv-2, but have never had an outbreak, there's a 98% chance it's genital.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Shedding occurs from thin genital skin, it doesn't occur from thighs or buttocks where thick skin is present, though outbreaks can occur there.  And yes, even if you've never had an outbreak, the chances are very high that the infection is genital.

The reason I corrected your impression that herpes passed through a condom is because condoms really do reduce the risk of transmission and I don't want others to feel it is useless to use them if virus just passes right through anyway.  

Terri

[forever44444]

Yes they do help, and as long as this is an anonymous forum I'll just say that he was really pushing himself into me and thinking back on it, the condom didn't even cover his whole penis, which he pushed all the way inside of me.  So, I probably don't have it on my thighs and do have it down there in the vagina area....30-50% is ok but not great, seeing that they provide a lot more protection from pregnancy or STDs that come from semen.  Some people are really confused about the level of protection condoms offer against herpes.  The obgyn scheduled me with an appointment with a counselor after they told me I had herpes.  The counselor assured me that i still could have a safe relationship with a man if he wore a condom every time, and then I could have a baby by him through in-vitro fertilization.  But after reading a lot of posts on here, I know she was mis-informed.  Condoms are definitely not useless though!  they offer some protection against herpes, and more protection against the long list of other things out there.  Anyway I really hope you tell your partner, bc even with valtex and a condom the risk is not eliminated, and he deserves the choice of whether that is the risk he wants to take.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I agree
Terri

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

How is it going?  Have you had any more thoughts about telling your partner?  I'm sure this is a difficult time for you.  Keep us posted, OK?
Terri

[yasmin1067]

Terri thank you for your kind words and not judging me. I am telling as many people out there I am sure practice but would never be honest enouh to tell. I am soory but I am not telling.
To the earlier other posts:
I can build a lasting relationship with Herpes, without telling. Many people are in long term realationships and never even knew they had herpes untill it showed up 2;3;4;5;15 years later. Yes I know that I know ,but I am the only one that knows I know~~~~ This is not going to control or define me. I am sorry if you all do not agree but as I stated in an earlier post 80-90 percent of people who have Herpes do not know, so I have decided to be one of those. Yes, you may judge me but I have done much research and many people do not tell bc of the stigma and the rejection. I am telling you the truth and the way that many people with Herpes live. If you can prove me wrong with stats of more than one article feel free as I am not the minority. I will not be on here anymore as I do not want to be told how bad everyone thinks I am for not telling my partner.  I am not going to be defined by Herpes just like the 80-90 percent of the people who do not know they have it! I will be so carful to the point anyone if less likely to catch anything from me compared to the random person who knows they have nothing.
If yo expect me to tell, everyone in the populationshould tell their potential partners the following "because 80-90 percent of people with genital herpes do not know they have the virus; I could have this disease without knowing"  
I am at peace with my decission. I am a good person and this HAS been a hard decission for me but from now on I live as if I do not know but continue with y antivirals, condoms and avoiding sex during outbreaks. Don't judge me before you long look in the mirrow at what you have done in your life that you are not proad of....................

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I think your last words tell your feelings about this decision "....you are not proud of".  Yasmin, I don't judge anyone; I've been see STD patients for almost 30 years now in my clinic, and judging is clearly not useful.  But I don't agree with your decision because I think that yes, your partner could definitely get infected now or sometime in the future, but I'm thinking more about you right now.

Keeping a big secret in a relationship cannot make it stronger.  But it can work against true intimacy and openness.  And if he gets infected and is angry with you, then you will be very sad.  And from what you've written, I think you will also feel guilt for not being open with him.  And there is also the risk of being sued if he decides to legal request your medical records.  I have no idea if that would happen, but it has.  And that would make you life unpleasant.  The issue that 80-90% of people with herpes don't know it is accurate, and that is done using antibody tests is people who deny (anonymously) that they have genital herpes.  I'm a big believer if people having STD tests (including herpes) before they have sex.  

I'm glad you feel at peace with this decision, but somehow, I'm not sure that's true.  My heart goes out to you.  This is a very hard place to be.  Very, very hard.  This is someone you clearly love.  There is no easy path.  

I hope you will continue daily therapy and condom use to reduce the risk of transmission, and I hope you will be very aware of any possible symptoms, and observe that as a time not to have sex.  If you have other questions, please feel free to write me, OK?  No judgment here, just a degree of sadness for what I believe could be an error on your part.

My best to you and your partner.

Terri

[Alice801]

I have just read through this blog and have found it very helpful and validating.  I have recently become reacquainted with a boyfriend from many years ago.  We live in different countries and have talked about meeting each other again for a sexual rendezvous.  What a wonderful 6 weeks it has been planning our trip.  But....I knew the day would come when I had to tell him that I got herpes over 20 years ago.  I'm glad I told him before we spent the time and money meeting each other and ruining the moment.  I told him over the phone last week....it really hurt as he has not contacted me since.  I have suffered greatly this past week feeling tainted and angry with the person that gave this to me so many years ago....Sad that I have not heard from this old boyfriend whom I thought really cared for me...I understand his reaction though he could have had the integrity to at least tell me that he was afraid instead of never returning my phone calls or responding to emails.  After reading these posts I am so glad I told him and am now enjoying the peace of mind that I had the integrity to tell him. I was really sad for myself this whole week and now I don't feel sad.  Instead I feel good about myself for having done the right thing.  I know that there is someone out there for me that will be willing to take the risk.  Yasmine, I totally understand where you are coming from....I thought about this for over 6 weeks and was so tempted not to tell....but I did and I can look at myself in the mirror feeling good that I did the right thing.  Tell your partner or the worry might consume you as I think it already is.  You'll feel better about it even if you lose him.  Are you waiting for him to contract herpes so that he will just accept it and stay with you?  Not worth the price.

[growingup35]

Goodness! I certainly know how you feel yasmin and co. I've had this godamn virus for 17 years now and still to this day every time I am faced with this conundrem it never get's any easier.

I am in it right now...having a fabulous but casual relationship with a great guy who I respect and yet we had unsafe sex the other night after the condom broke anyway and I am freaking out as i got blisters the next day and haven't had it in over a year. The thing is I'm not sure if it's from the rough sex or because it's herpes coming back? I went to the doctor who said I had thrush also ut ecause I've already got herpes she couldn't tell if they were from the sex or the virus.

I know have the waiting game to see if/what happens to him...clearly either way it's time to tell. For me anyway...I need peace of mind.

I have had one long term partner that got it and one without. I feel that I know my body so well that I know when i'm getting it but this one took me by surprise. I would never ever ever want to infect this lovely guy, but I have been selfish because the relationship makes me so happy. I know what to do...it's just like...here we go again. Another crappy conversation with someone that's gonna think i'm a freak.

I take the valtrex every day to prevent but still I guess it can creep through hey?

I dodn't judge anyone who does or doesn't tell...it's friggin tough :)

[Alice801]

Thanks for sharing.  I feel exactly the same way.  The sad thing is that I'm married and have been for 15 years.  We rarely have sex and it hasn't bothered me all that much until the last couple of months.  I've lost almost 30 pounds and feel better than I have in years...now my sexual libido is stronger than ever but my husband never wants to have sex.  I asked him last month if it's because of my herpes and after all these years of a practically sexless marriage, he admitted to me that he was afraid.  I just cried and cried.  In the midst of all of this is I found my lover from long ago on Facebook.  I can't believe I even contacted him as I have always been faithful in my marriage.  After six weeks of conversing regularly, I told this man the truth about me so he would be prepared when we were to have our trist.  Now that I told this man he no longer contacts me, and I'm feeling a big loss.  Am also going nuts without having sex.  I have scheduled an appointment with my obgyn to pose a lot of questions and to get help in talking about this openly with my husband.  She is a wonderful doctor and very practical.  She doesn't seem too concerned with the fact that I have herpes and acts as though it's quite common.  My question is....why all the hoopla in the general population?  People act as if it's the plague and a death sentence when it isn't.  I have had herpes since 1985 and it has rarely affected me until now.  

[yasmin1067]

That is why I don't want to tell! Tell Tell Tell is all I hear and when we do they WILL probally run! Even your husband is scared~ He could be a carrier by now but is scared to have sex with his wife~~~ I am sorry but what an ***!
This is why I am NEVER telling!!!! So than they may get it and be like the 80-90 percent that do not know or maybe they will know and I will act as if I did not know. Maybe I am an *** myseld but how depressing to always do the talk and be left most of the time or have no one what to have sex with you. Lets face it ~if you don't love someone why would you take the risk? I took the risk for two years with a man and never got Herpes bc I knew I would fall in love with him! Years later I got it from a short tearm BF. I think men are different than woman~ They are more likely not going to be with a woman with herpes if they have a choice BC they are sexual before they are in it for the relationship; where woman often know from the beginning if we could have a relationship with a man. As far as being sued; It will not be a criminal charge and I have NOTHING to take. So if someone wants to sue me to get nothing but my name in the paper they are welcome to do so ~ But remember their name will be there right by mine!  I think this is not a likely thing to happen and many things would have to be proven for them to win~ Such as can they prove it was you and they did not get it prior etc. That possibly does not really scare me as it is likely but not likely. What will be will be!

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

Alice, has your husband ever been tested?  If not, that would be an excellent start.  He could be infected already and not know it.  Also, Alice, do you know if you have HSV 1 or HSV 2?  That would be important to know when it comes to comparing your infection status to his.  I hope things get better with your husband, this sounds very difficult indeed.

Terri

[Alice801]

Hi Terri,
My husband has not been tested but he says he is willing to get tested.  I recently got retested after all these years just to make sure.  My results are:
HSV1 IGG  5.00

My obgyn's nurse told me that basically the HSV2 test result is positive and shows that I have been exposed sometime in the past.  What exactly does that mean?  When I confronted my husband about his lack of interest in me, I laid out an ultimatum...either we go to therapy or that I will respect his boundary but then he must respect mine and allow me to have sex if the opportunity would arise.  He chose the former fortunately so we will see what happens.  I'd appreciate your thoughts on my test results and any other advice.  Thanks so much !  You are invaluable!

[growingup35]

Alice801

You are right - The stigma of this virus is so beyond reality it's not funny. Living with it is fine...after 17 years it may only reappear 1 or 2 times a year and then i'm on the Valtrex all the other times so i believe that stops the shedding as I said I have had a long term partner that didn't get it and we were never safe (except at the beginning before I told him)

It's the do I/don't I tell and the eventual conversation that is the worst part and that is mental not physical!

yasmin

You're right - you have to e in love with someone to be ok with it and that doesn't happen in the 1st month - it takes time so when is right? It's hard. In my case it is only a casual thing, but that is all I want, it's perfect for me and my busy lifestyle at present and it makes me really happy. I'm gonna tel him ASAP but how...I just don't know. I can't sleep thining about it all night!

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I'm confused - is only your HSV 1 test positive or are they both positive?  Could you get a copy of your test results and post it here for me please so I can help you sort it out?  Thanks
Terri

[Alice801]

Hi Terry,
I just re-read what I had sent to you earlier and notice that I accidentally erased part of the results:

HSV  1 IGG type specific   5.00
Thanks!

[Annie123132]

Hi Yasmin,

I totally understand your situation.  I am not here to judge you at all.  I would like to offer a few words of advice, though.

If a man, especially one you claim to love, one who works in the health field, cannot handle the idea of herpes, I wonder what else he can't handle.

My husband passed away last year from cancer at the young age of 39.  Now, believe me,  this was something serious.  Herpes, while emotionally difficult, will never match the seriousness of a terminal illness.  In the context of a relationship, life will deal you many difficult situations, including cancer, death, etc.  If this guy, cannot handle herpes, a relatively simple skin irritation, what else can't he handle?  I suspect you know the answer to this question.  

Do the right thing by yourself and, of course, him.....

My prayers are with you :)

[Alice801]

Hi Terry, This is so strange, I sent it and it erased the vital part again when I sent.  Let's try this one more time:  HSV 1  5.00

[Alice801]

The results are not appearing.  Maybe it is because of the less than greater than symbol.  So I will spell it out.  hsv1 is less than .9 and hsv 2 is greater then 5

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

OK, so now I'm confused.  Your one post says your HSV 1 was greater than 5, and your next post says your HSV 2 was greater than 5.  Which of the results is greater than 5?

Terri

[Alice801]

Hi Terry,  When I sent my post with the greater than, less than symbols only a portion of the message was sent. I am negative on hsv 1 with less than .9.  hsv 2  is greater than 5.00.  I know that I am positive but am wondering what the nurse meant when she said that this test just shows that I was exposed sometime in the past.
Thanks,

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

If your HSV 2 tests value is greater than 5, the that most certainly is a positive, you are both infected with HSV 2 and are able to infect others.  Her interpretation of being "exposed sometime in the past" is true, but in complete.  She makes it sounds as though that exposure may or may not have results in infection.  She is incorrect.  The exposure that you had in the past resulted in you being infected and you are infectious to others.  I think she should revise her terms for accuracy.

Terri

[Alice801]

Does this mean that there is no hope for me?  Does that number mean that I am more infectious to others than someone that has a greater than 4.5 for example?
I don't understand these numbers... As far as I know, I have never infected anyone except for my boyfriend many years ago when I did not know I had this.  I rarely have outbreaks....so are you saying that no matter what....anytime I have sex the risk is very high for the person with whom I have sex regardless of any symptoms of an outbreak? This is dire news.  I thought that I had a healthy perspective on living with herpes all of these years.   I have been responsible all of these years and have dealt with it really well without it ruining my life or someone else's.  Now I feel really tainted and think that maybe I should divorce and join a nunnery.
I'd appreciate your thoughts so that I may put this all back in the appropriate perspective where it should be.  

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

NO, all it means is that you are infected, and you don't need confirmation of your test results.  Its not different than you ever thought about this.  Put it back in the exact perspective that it was before you posted here.  The numeric value has no special implication - it just means you are positive, that's all.  Nothing has changed at all!!!

Terri

[Alice801]

Hi Terry,
Thank you so much for your quick response.  I overreacted and am now brought back to a more sensible reality.  Thank you so much for all of your help.  I am visiting with my doctor next week to discuss suppresive therapy and about getting my husband in for testing.  A few  last questions...what is a biokit or swab test?  Is this something I can do myself to see if I am shedding or not?  Does such a test exist?
Thanks!

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

A biokit is an in office antibody test for HSV 2. A swab test is a test taken from a lesion, looking for active virus.  People do do swabbing for viral shedding, but it is expensive.  You can contact my office, 503-226-6678, for more information about swabbing that looks for shedding, or speak with your private provider about this option.

Terri

[stressedin]

I am recently in your predicament, with a boyfriend who actually told me of a girl he liked some 20 years back who after informing him she had HSV2 he then ended the relationship.
In my case I had tested negative some 8 yrs back. I then had another complete STD screening 4 yrs ago and it was all negative. Back in the summer of 09 my ob began to worsen which prompted me to call the Planned Parenthood centers where i was tested each time and I honestly remember them telling me I was tested for herpes 4 yrs ago along with all the other tests and it was negative a second time. I was riddled with fear and maybe out of not wanting to REALLY know the truth I assumed the tests were a blood test.
  For over 15 yrs only a couple of times a year I had to deal with this one perfectly contained blister: virtually not visible to my eye as it was hidden inside my buttock .I convinced myself I could'nt possibly have genital herpes since i had never had any sort of ob near my genital. Then as the ob migrated to a different spot it became visible and seemed to increase in size and the length of time to heal. That was over the summer when I rechecked with Planned Parenthood. That is also when I became obbsesive about getting on the internet researching everything about HSV2 and it states over and over you can have it exclusively on your buttocks.
I managed to get through that ob with the help of my friend who gave me Valtrex and it cleared it up quickly. This part of the story also explains part of the reason why I am one of those who turns away and refuses to see the reality of it. My friend who gave me the Valtrex has the exact same ob in the same location, except hers never migrated away. She actually has ob much more often than I do and she and I converse about it and have compared our sores and since her doctor diagnosed her as having post hermetic nuerapathy, I accepted that diagnosis for myself. Anything to NOT have herpes right? My friend has also never passed it to her husband of 20 yrs. At the time I was married as well and in a mostly sexless marriage with a philandering husband. He also never had any blisters that I know of.
So back in the summer when my ob changed locations and I read up on herpes I also read up on the post hermetic, which in another word is shingles or herpes zoster. And what I saw and the information I rread did not sound at all like what I had.
But my boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch at that time, I was so sad and lonely and frightened about our problems and if we were going to break up I did'nt dare bring this to the table.
No more obs came until 3 weeks ago. Out of sight out of mind?
This time when i called back to Planned Parenthood trying to relieve my fears, they informed me 4 yrs ago there was NO herpes test done. So the only negative I have to go on is the negative with a swab test some 8 years back and here I am in the middle of an ob that has increased in size and is taking what seems FOREVER to heal up.
I am making excuses to not sleep with my guy. Finally at the tail end of the ob last week I slept with him, and had to divert his hands away from my butt the whole time. It was a rough patch still, no blister but still bright red with a scab in the middle. I have to let you know here is where it affects the person who does'mt tell. I am normally wild in bed with him and totally uninhibited, but I was having a doozy of a time trying to focus and push down the guilt and fear.
Here I am 10 days later and the ob is still not totally gone, I can see it is on it's way out though.
He tells me on Sat he does'nt feel well. Run down. Of course he is working doubles.I went over to his place Monday night. I took a big gulp and faced this issue. I showed him the place on my bottom. I told him everything I have just explaIned here.The only part I did'nt tell was when we slept together a week prior I was in an ob.
I cried. I told him I knew he would never feel the same about me if I had the test and was positive. He remained calm. He prompted me to get a blood test and he as well. I don't have the money this week, so I can't just yet.
I gave him oral sex afterwards. We kissed. I don't know how much he knows about the shedding thing, he does'nt seem freaked out. He said what if I did give him herpes? There's nothing we can do about the past he said.
So, all of this long *** post just to tell you, I understand your fear. And I am still facing this issue. Don't have answers yet. Don't know if he will feel the same if I do get the blood test and it shows positive. If his is negative, he may choose to end it.
I have had a gut honest communication with this guy and had to do the same concerning this. It felt really good when he held me. I expressed to him I was afraid of rejection. I found myself yesterday wishing he would call and check up on me. I sent him a text saying I missed him and sent one back saying me too. He called me when he got home from work.
The point being, he has'nt turned away.
Good luck to you in your decision.

[growingup35]

I just told my guy - in the most romantic spot in the city of all places, but it had to e out of the bedroom, and not in a bar!

He got on the next public transport out of there...i sent him a text saying that I was sorry...I have heard nothing. Can I blame him when it was just casual? No. Although the reason I told him wasn't out of obligation...it was because I respect him and thought maye one day in the future we might take things further.

Who knows now...whatever happens, i don't have any demons in my head. Just the ones in my pants that seem to **** up up all my fun...

:(:(:(

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I'm so sorry this didn't got well for you.  As I recall, you had had sex with him already, is that right?  I'm thinking that in your situation, if I am recalling it correctly, that part of his problem may have been that you didn't tell him before you had sex, and that trust is a big problem now.  Do you agree?

Terri

[growingup35]

Hi Terri,

Of course you are right...you should tell before you have unsafe sex, I don't think it is as important when you are safe. The virus shouldn't define you! The issue for me is that we were unsafe twice before I told him, and therefore the trust is broken.

The main reason I did not tell him before we were unsafe is that I am using the supressive therapy every day and in the past have not passed it on to my previous longterm partners. I have had it for 17 years and feel I know my body well enough. However my integrity tells me that it is not my desision alone to make, and he needed to be part of the process.

Plus, he has a medical background, so he knows the drill.

Although he walked away he did just say he needed time to think, he has every right to be angry, and to think about it.

I know I have done the right thing now (albiet eventually), it just sux that it makes me feel like a lepar, when it's just a skin rash with alot of bad stigma. I just wish i was normal, but I guess we all have our cross to bare in some way or another.

Feeling a little sorry for myself today...I guess that's normal.

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

I think you should tell before you have any kind of intercourse since condoms only reduce transmission by 1/3 and daily therapy reduces transmission by 1/2 - none of that indicates complete protection though they are certainly helpful things to do.  

As for passing it to previous partners:  since 90% of those infected with HSV 2 don't know it, I would say that unless people are actually tested, there is no way to know if they are infected or not.  Now, maybe your partners actually have been tested, but if your impression about their lack infection is based on symptoms alone, there is just no way to know that for certain.  

You definitely did the right thing, maybe just in the wrong order.  
I wonder if not telling before you had sex made you feel more like a leper rather than less because you were keeping a secret from someone important to you, doing something you know would better be handled in a different way, and those things might have made you feel less good about yourself.  Feeling like a leper may have more components than just the herpes in your situation, I think.

I get it that you are feeling sorry for yourself right now, you've had a loss and you are hurt.  Its OK. Pour yourself another glass of wine and take a while to feel better.

Terri

[growingup35]

Hey Terri,

I appreciate your professional opinion. Having lived with this virus though however and knowing many people who have, I don't really understand how people could NOT know. When you get it, it hurts! You can see it, and feel it big time....why is the professional opinion that people do not have to have symptoms? I agree with Yasmin, that it is just people know they have it but don't want to tell, or play dumb when they pass it on?

Plus every individual is different...I dodn't think those statistics are right for ALL people. Would you not agree there is a variance?

[Liz524]

Hi Terri,
I am so confused.  Please tell me if the symptoms surface within a short time after contracting the disease or can they fester for 20-30 years?  I had one partner before my husband and we have been living in 2 states for the last year. After being intimate with him last week, I thought I had 3rd degree burns vaginally which occurred a few days after intercourse.  I was totally shocked when my gyno gave me the news.  I am so shocked and upset emotionally, but I also want to know if it is possible for a person to carry the disease for over 20-25 years without a trace.  Is there a test to pin point how long a person has been infected.  I was so upset at my Dr's. office I just couldn't ask any questions.  I guess answers won't change things at this point.  I'm only hoping and praying that the test results are in my favor, but I can't stop crying about this and don't know where to turn.  

[Terri Warren, RN, Adult Nurse Practitioner]

As a person with severe symptoms (pain) it must be hard for you to not understand how people could not either recognize symptoms or experience them.  But that's the way it is, particularly in people who have HSV 1 first.  I have seen literally hundreds of patients who try and try to recognize symptoms that cannot.  it is not true that herpes hurts for everyone nor is it true that people always have sores.  

Its like comparing everyone who has hypertension to the person who has strokes.  Clearly, that isn't true.  Or stating that everyone who has diabetes has incredible thirst.  It just isn't so.  it is a mistake to think that everyone that has a medical condition has the same symptoms, because they just don't.

Terri