Foreplay protection

My girlfriend recently revealed to me that she has herpes. She was afraid to tell me and thought I would look down on her for having it. The issue I am having is the fact that she told me after we were already intimate and now I feel as if we should be using a condom even during foreplay when genitals may rub but she says that that makes her feel as if I am afraid to touch her. Correct me if I am wrong but if our genitals are rubbing together during foreplay, shouldn't I be wearing a condom? I want her to feel comfortable but I also don't want to increase the risk of me getting herpes at the same time. I am fully aware that it is contagious even when an outbreak isn't present.

[girlygirl87]

yes, you can get herpes from genitals rubbing even without penetration. If she's shedding the virus and it's on her skin, it can be passed this way.

it's a cruddy situation, but she has to understand that you need to protect yourself too. it's not like you can't be intimate, you just need to take precautions.

i think it's GREAT that you're accepting of her having herpes--now she needs to be accepting of your desire to protect yourself from contracting the virus!

[waringblender]

Is she on antiviral therapy? That could help protect you. Skin-to-skin contact could pass the virus through shedding and you just don't know when she's shedding. Most people shed about 15-20% of days out of a year. That's about 75 days, more or less.

I think she should respect your desire to wear a condom. Have you been tested yourself? Maybe you should both get tested to find out who exactly has what, anyway.

BTW, plenty of folks who don't have herpes wear condoms during foreplay. It's a good habit to get into, because accidents do happen.

The risk of contracting herpes, however, is very low if you happen to be HSV-2 negative. It's like 5% a year if all you do is avoid sex during her outbreaks. That' s with NO condoms and NO medications. Anything you do over and above that (condoms, medications, or both plus avoiding sex during outbreaks) decreases your risk even further. Medications plus condoms bring it close to zero.

But don't take my word for it. Go have a look around the forum where the doctors are posting. And get tested so you know where you stand.

She probably waited to tell you because there is apparently a huge stigma about having herpes in our culture. She may be ashamed of or uncomfortable with her diagnosis. Or had bad experiences in the past in telling other partners. I'm not letting her off the hook. (I'm a fan of honesty in relationships, especially about STDs.)

[nelo333]

Thanks for all the input. I get tested regularly and I did not test positive for any STD's before entering this relationship. I am going to take another test then again in 3 months. She just started suppressive therapy after she shared the news about having herpes. I totally comprehend her desire to not feel like I am afraid to touch her and she shared with me the statistics of how low the risk are of actually transmitting it that way since there are couples who do have unprotected sex where one partner may have herpes and not transfer the virus. I was coming more from a stance of eliminating that risk tgether by being as careful as possible but I fear I may have somehow hurt her feelings and made her feel like I was saying she was dirty which I absolutely was not. She already feels as if i am caught up on the stereotypes and stigma of the disease which is making it harder for me to explain my concerns. She's a wonderful woman and I am trying to look past the fact that she did not tell me before  but I don't see how things can move forward smoothly with her feeling as if my concerns reflect a mindset that I am afraid to touch her.

[gracefromHHP]

A recent study on hpv showed that when the condom is applied when the clothes come off - and not just waiting for actual penetration - that it reduces hpv transmission by 90% ( prior to this study odds were put at closer to 20% by some studies ).  One can assume that it would also greatly increase the protection for hsv transmission too ( which prior studies have put at about a 40% reduction in transmission when condoms are used ).  I think most of us are just really used to waiting to put the condom on right before foreplay so the thought of putting it on before then is foreign.  Another option is to just leave your underwear on until it's time to do the actual deed.  Herpes is transmitted thru direct skin on skin contact - put a barrier there and the risk is gone.

If you two do nothing but avoid sex during obvious genital symptoms in her - you are about 96% likely each year NOT to contract hsv2 from her each year.  Her on daily suppressive therapy with valtrex would reduce your risk in half.  Throw in condoms with that too and you are looking at on average a 99% chance each year of NOT contracting hsv2 from her.  Pretty decent odds with not a  lot of effort.  You'll never get your risk down to 0 but you can keep the odds greatly in your favor without doing too much special.

Meanwhile just keep talking to her about all this.  Depending on what past partner's reactions have been - she might be automatically assuming that you are thinking of running away when it sounds like you aren't.  You might be saying one thing while she's thinking you are saying another too. If you told her you wanted to wear a head to toe latex body suit for sex and wash with clorox after sex - then yes I'd think you were overly paranoid and perhaps not ready to deal with the low risk of contracting hsv2 from her. Wanting to wear a condom for foreplay is actually something we all should be doing but have never been taught to do.  Wanting to take basic precautions to reduce your risk is not the same as being a germaphobe and being afraid of contracting herpes.  I'm sure it's still a relatively new relationship so communication is still in the very new learning stages.  I'm sure you two will work thru this just fine though from here on out :)

Feel free to ask any other questions you might have and we'll try to give you a hand with them.

grace

[waringblender]

I think it's clear that she didn't tell you until later because she was fearful of being judged. She probably has had bad experiences, or simply hasn't come to terms with having it herself.  And I think the fact that you have stuck around through this speaks volumes about your character. I also agree that it's worth talking through if you guys can attempt to not "talk past each other," which can happen when one person is spinning about something  and the other is trying to get their point across without being judged or misread. But once this issue is cleared up for both of you, your level of intimacy will have been ratcheted up another notch because you came out the other side of this sticky communication issue.

Something similar happened to me with the first partner I had to tell about my herpes, which was years ago. I was overly concerned about his contracting it; he could not have been less concerned, but my own fears got in the way of our having true intimacy, both in bed and out of bed. He actually dragged me to a couple of counseling sessions and I managed to understand his point of view (he was willing to take the small risk no matter what happened in the relationship) and my own fears and issues (he was the first person I had to tell and my fear was not that he would reject me; on the contrary, it was that  he would contract it from me).  As far as I know, I've never passed it to any of my partners.

Kudos to you for staying informed and educated about HSV and for attempting to communicate your own feelings and concerns with your partner. This is the kind of stuff that makes relationships stronger if you can get through them. :o)

[star1980]

You definitely can get it that way, that's how I got it.  I was a virgin when I contracted hsv2 and got it from rubbing of the genitals.  She definitely should understand your point of view and be happy that you're willing to still do things with her, even if it means using a condom and protecting yourself to the maximum.  I'm in a relationship right now where I was honest with my boyfriend before we ever did anything  and he said he was ok with it and things were good at first but now we haven't done ANYTHING sexually in four months.  So your girlfriend should definitely consider herself lucky that she has someone who didn't run when she told you and who is still willing to stay with her just with some extra precautions.  

[logo545]

HUM, Sucks doesn't it.  I had a boyfriend who told me after we had been intimate for one month.  He used supressive therapy and when he told me he had it he wasn't concerned that I would get it.  However, I got tested and already had it (after one month).  Is this possilbe? I was tested nine months before that (call me paranoid) and was negative.  Its been 5 months now since I found out I had it and Its never affected me, no signs.  Wear a condum, or just take the risk and move on.  It doesn't really affect your life that much, some people go their whole life and never have any signs I guess. (I hope)
That means a lot that she told you! Go get tested, you may already have it!

[waringblender]

logo545, sounds like you had it going into that relationship with your current partner. It's "condom," not "condum."

[nelo333]

Things became quite hectic with communication about this which led her to believe that maybe we shouldn't be together. This situation has been quite a whirlwind of emotions. I appreciate everyones insight and of course will be getting tested. As I said before, I am positive I did not have it before entering the relationship so unlike some, I will at least know exactly how I got it. As for the relationship..., well, she stated that we should both take time to think about things fully and I guess I'll see where this all goes. This went from a revelation that should have come earlier into her questioning whether or not we can communicate  or if we are compatible. If she ever dealt with this before I can see now why there are others who fear having to reveal having herpes to their partners but they deffinitely still should before having sex. She's a wonderful woman and I hope we can get through this. I will keep educatong myself about HSV1 and HSV2.

[waringblender]

You sound like a very sensible and caring person. I hope she can get through this with you because you sound like you are worth hanging in there for.

Just my random thoughts (because I ain't no shrink, don'tcha know), but is it possible she is now trying to push you away because her fear is telling her **you** would eventually push away? That was the first feeling I got in reading your latest post. Are you the first guy who has stuck around or not rejected her? Because if you are, that could be huge - and I mean huge - for her. She may need a lot of reassurance, and if she is very fearful, she could try in different ways to push you away or withdraw.  

Some people truly have a difficult time with the stigma and social aspects of herpes. I've had it easier than most, I guess, since I've been with men who are accepting of it. One of those guys was an 8-year relationship and we stopped using condoms after a while, which was *his* suggestion.

You might want to explore this aspect of the virus with her - what have her experiences been? Reassure her that you aren't going anywhere, you are still learning, and she's the girl for you if you two can work through this. Share with her what you are learning - I hate to say it, but negative people like you (if you are in fact negative) are more educated than many folks who have herpes. (Not saying this is your partner, though.)

Good luck to you. Keep us posted! I'd love to hear how this all runs its course. Happy Holidays.

[Bo43]

I was diagnoised with type 2 herpes over 15 years ago.  I occassionally have an outbreak, maybe 2-3 times a year, some worse than others.  I have never taken any meds, as I figured I didn't want to commit to daily pills for something I don't get too often.  Like your girlfriend, when I met my husband, I was afraid to tell him I had herpes.  We had already been sexually active, but were in a point in our relationship he needed to be told.  Like you, he accepted it and continued our life together and we have always been careful.  I can always tell when an outbreak is coming on, I have learned after so many years.  Usually days prior I get extremely tired-this is the best indicator for me.  Then of course, you start to hurt where the ob occurs and as days go on it gets worse before it gets better.  After 11 years together, always with unprotected sex, but completly aware of my body and the signs, he is negative.  We are always careful and he is respectful and trusting of my instincts.  I have also had three healthy children, with no complications due to my herpes.  I hope this comment will help you to see, life can go on and be very normal with a partner w/herpes.  Like Waringblender said, there is a huge stigma about herpes, which is really sad.  I was fortunate enough to find a partner who accepted me as is.  It says alot about a person, that's for sure!  Good luck!

[nelo333]

  Thank you very much for that response. You are basically explaining thingsthe way she was attempting to and like I was saying, I think we can handle each others concerns properly as long as we keep being open about things but now there is a new issue of compatibility due to communication styles. I wont turn this forum into a 'relationship help' board but I will update you on things regarding the medical side of my concerns. If we can overcome this I will surely let you know that we were able to progress past this. Thank you for the kind words ,waringblender. I am remaining hopeful. The best part of all of this was hearing everyones personal experiences more so than just the text book excerpts. I am glad I decided to post my concern and thank you all again for being so open and helpful. I believe she is worth it but if she decides that she just can't handle the way things are now... I still see this as a very huge learning experience.

[gracefromHHP]

Keep us posted :)

What's herpes compared to all the baggage we all carry around from relationship to relationship?  Usually herpes is the least of our issues especially the older you get.

grace

[waringblender]

Wiser words were never spoken. I would consider myself fortunate if the biggest issue in the relationships I've had was my herpes. Really.

[nelo333]

In the end though we realized that we definitely need to work on communication between us but we are moving forward with the relationship. She is continuing with supressive therapy and I will be doing my best to keep informed about the virus. I am sure we will be able to practice safer sex and still be realistic about intimacy within the relationship. I truly do comprehend why she felt the way she did and I just hope we can remain open with each other on things. Thank you all for your help.

[gracefromHHP]

Glad things are going well for you :)

grace