How do I tell him?

How do I go about telling a potential sex partner that I have this horrific disease?  We have just started to talk.  I don't want to tell him on the first date but I want to be honest with him.  I think sex is in our future and I want to be prepared to tell him but I'm fearing that he will hear the word "herpes" and then run in the opposite direction.  I am so scared....  Thank you for any and all responses!

[Mistakeguy789]

HSV isn't horrific.  It is a skin condition.  

You need to tell your partner the truth.  Get him tested so he knows his status and what precautions you need to take if any.  You both need to understand what herpes is and how it is transmitted.  If he doesn't accept you for you and knowing that a little microsopic virus that doesn't change your personality or who you are then is he really worth it?  You need to know your self worth.  This virus isn't life ending.  It isn't like HIV.  

[puppiesandkittens90]

Thanks for your response Mistakeguy.  HSV feels horrific because now that I'm going to have to tell him, it could ruin a potential relationship.  However, if he doesn't accept it, then no he is not worth it.  I definitely want to tell him the truth and I like how you put it, "a skin condition".

I guess another question is do I tell him just out of the blue while we are talking or before he tries to kiss me and things get heated?  I don't mean to sound ignorant but when is the right time?  I know it's before we get intimate...  I'm just scared.

[Mistakeguy789]

You choose how to feel with this virus.  You don't let others define it.  If you define yourself as damaged goods then others will make you feel that way.  HSV is a skin condition.  Its like having chickenpox.  It's not that big of a deal unless you let it be that way.  Now when you talk to him is up to you.  Do it before going into the bedroom when things get heated.  But like it was said do it during the converstation of STD and STD testing.  Ensuring you both know what you have (you don't state which type you have and how you were diagnoised) is the best way to start a new relationship.  

[puppiesandkittens90]

Hello Mistakeguy789,

I do understand now that the STD conversation is the way to begin.  I have HSV2 and was diagnosed after noticing what looked to me like a spider bite on the back of my left thigh.  I had unportected sex with someone I thought I could trust.  

Talking with others on this site makes me feel like I can say how I really feel - damaged.  But I completely agree with you about not saying that to him.  If he can't accept it, too bad.  My feelings will be deeply hurt but better hurt now than later I suppose.  Thank you

[gracefromHHP]

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that this is all about the herpes you know you have!  It's about all std's and proper testing as well as birth control and condom use. these are all things you should be discussing with every potential partner prior to having sex with them. It's part of being sexually responsible.

So what do you do?  Well depending on when you have sex, this conversation could happen on the first date or on the 4th date or the 20th date even - everyone is different. You need to start thinking about protecting yourself though as much as discussing your genital herpes with a potential partner. It is a discussion, not a confession!  When you are ready, ask your partner if it's a good time to talk about your sexual pasts before things go further with the 2 of you. It's a good way to start the conversation. Ask him if he gets tested for std's and if he does, when he last had it done. Also ask him if he sees exactly what he's tested for or just assumes that it's the whole shebang of std testing when he asks for it. It's also ok to ask if he minds getting a copy of his test results to share with you.  Ask if he's ever had a std. ask if he consistently uses condoms. ask if he's had his gardasil shots. Then tell him the exact info about yourself that you've asked of him. Also let him know how you typically cover pregnancy as well as your thoughts about using condoms too.  Then, let him know that you know you have genital herpes. Give him some basic facts and let him know what precautions you are willing to take to get his risk down ( you can get it as low as 1% for female to male transmission if you avoid sex during obvious genital symptoms, take daily suppressive therapy and use condoms ).  yes it seems like a long conversation but it's an important one so that neither of you are assuming anything about each other.  It gets it all out in the open and lets him know that you care about him as much as you do yourself too.

keep asking questions!

grace

[puppiesandkittens90]

Grace, thank you so much for this information.

I am thinking of more questions:

(1)  If a female like me with HSV2 has no obvious genital symptoms, is it safe to have sex at that time?  Will the male always have to wear a condom?  

(2)  What about "shedding"?  Is this always happening between o/b's?  I can't quite grasp the info on this.

(3) Transmission of HSV2 from a female to a male is very low, correct?  As long as precautions are taken (no o/b's at the time of sex, daily suppressive therapy taken, anything else?)

(4)  Is it safe for the guy to perform oral sex on the girl (who has HSV2) as long as she has no o/b's?  

I just feel like I will not find a guy who will accept me.  Masturbation for a woman is nothing compared to the real thing (at least for me) so I feel that I'm looking at a life or at least a very long time of celibacy.  

Thank you for having patience with my questions and for any and all responses...

[Mistakeguy789]

1.  Yes if you are having no obvious symptoms then yes you can have sex and the risk for that person is low.  

2.  Shedding happens after outbreaks but when is different.  You won't know when you are shedding.  Shedding is lessened with HSV-2 if you take daily suppressive therapy.  

3.  That is pretty much it.  Just make sure you aren't having sex when anything obviously is going on genitally.  It can be lessened further with the use of condoms.

4.  Yes.  HSV-2 is rare in the oral location.  Simply putting it HSV-2 doesn't like the oral location.  

First of all I don't think you will have much to worry about.  You seem to have a great care and concern for the safety of your partner.  I know that for me I wouldn't mind being with a girl who told me she had herpes. Relationships are built on far more then just a microsopic virus.  You are worth a good relationship.  

Keep asking us questions!

[gracefromHHP]

Herpes is not a reason to go without sex for the rest of your life!  As I already said, you can get the risk to a male partner down to 1%/year of contracting hsv2 from you. To have something to compare that to, the real use risk of becoming pregnant while only using the birth control pill is 8%.  Much easier to control herpes than it is to raise a child with someone for a lifetime!!

In the 25 years I've had hsv2, I've only ever been turned down twice because of it. it really hasn't been an issue for me. Most of my friends with herpes, have never been turned down because of it.  I've found that most of my partners respect my being honest with them about my herpes - they've all had friends who weren't told until after the fact or never told until they contracted herpes from a partner and it's refreshing to them they tell me to have someone be so open and honest about it all.  

have you covered your other std testing bases? have you had your gardasil shots?

[puppiesandkittens90]

Wow, again I thank you all SO SO much for this information and your opinions!  I will definately be printing it out and keeping it; and sharing it too!!  It makes me want to jump up and down I am just so glad for this forum....

Grace & Mistakeguy789, after reading your comments, I do feel better about my herpes.  As mentioned by you earlier Mistakeguy789, if he won't accept it, then HE is not worth my time...  I just have to be patient on the "right" guy...

Years ago, I did get chlamydia (genital warts) and with each wart, they were removed successfully.  I have had no signs (warts) of this for many many years.  I can say confidently that I no longer have this, correct?  Isn't this what the gardasil shot is for?  Since the shot became available, my gynocologist has never suggested that I get it.  Should I question this?  

I have been tested for STD's and do not have any other than herpes.  I have also had an HIV test which was negative.  I do have that on paper but not the STD results.  I need to call my dr's office to get something in writing on the STD's to show my potential partner right?

I really want to be responsible and do the right thing for my potential parner that I really wish the dirtbag that gave me herpes had done for me...  It is quite a good feeling to have all this information and be able to confidently inform.  After that, it is out of my hands but hopefully he will see past a skin condition!

Thank you.

[puppiesandkittens90]

***In my above post, I meant the STD condyloma (not chalmydia)***

[Mistakeguy789]

I was going to say I think you meant HPV for the warts.  I know its rude to ask a lady her age but depending on your age is when the guardasil shot is good for.  Grace knows more about that.  But if you have had no warts I think it is in a year it is safe to say you have been cured.

You are welcome for the information we want to give you the best info.  I can tell you only how I feel about things.  Since I have recently entered in the dating world I have been ready to accept such information.  I want all of our posters to know that they aren't damaged goods or some evil person because of their herpes.  It's life and you know... I think you have an easy way now of knowing how committed a person may be.  Feel free to ask us more questions.  We are here to help.

[puppiesandkittens90]

Hi Mistakeguy789,

I read a little on the guardisil shot and from what it says, I am way out of the age range of "9-26 years old" to get the shot.  I am 43 and it was in my 20s that I got HPV.  I will consider myself cured of it now since I have had no warts in 20 years.

Thank you for your help and I will always ask when I don't know or I'm not sure.  

[gracefromHHP]

correct, at this point they have not okay-ed gardasil for our age group. There is research that shows that it reduces the incidence of head and neck cancers as well as cervical cancer when you are over the age of 26 but the FDA wouldn't approve it for women over 26 because the studies on it being helpful were too few.  

typically if warts haven't reoccurred in a year, you are considered to have been "cleared" of that type of the virus from your body. it means we can't detect it with any of the means we currently have available to us.  It's not likely to be transmitted to a partner and isn't likely to reoccur.

[puppiesandkittens90]

Thank you Grace!