Herpes Community
How to move forward??????
About This Community:

This forum is an un-mediated, patient-to-patient forum for questions and support regarding herpes issues such as: Herpes symptoms and treatments, causes, diagnosis, and herpes in men, tests, telling your spouse or partner.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

How to move forward??????

Well I posted my questions a few days ago and UNFORTUNATELY received not so good news, some side information first so that anyone who wants to respond has more info>  I a 43 this thursday, I have been married 24 years and neither me or my husband has ever strayed in our marriage.  Seven years ago I had a partial hysterectomy because of prolapse, not long after that I started to get these tears in my vaginal area about 70% of the time after sexual relation with my husband.  So I went to my OB/GYN and he tested me when I had these tears.  I was tested in October 2000 for both blood and culture for herpes 1 and 2 both were negative.

Results read:
Herpes AG W/RFX CULT & TYPING CULTURE             NEGATIVE
HERPES SIMPLEX AG< EIA                                       NEGATIVE

Now After those test I had them repeated in November 2000 with the exact same results.

Now here is when it gets complicated and confusing, my husband has never had any genital symptoms BUT he has had cold sores since he was a child.  We did continue oral sex and both were fine.  Now This year on Christmas Eve 8 days after he had a cold sore we had oral sex, that was a Monday, Wednesday night I noticed it hurt like open cuts when I wiped.  I looked in the miror and to my total shock I seen sores I had never seen before, I went Thursday the very next day to my OB/GYN and she examined me only to tell me I would be fine, but she herpes cultured me anyway.  Yesterday the nurse called to say I had a postive herpes vulture and for me to start taking a strong dose of Valtrex 1000mg day for 10 days, I have taken 3 pills and today I noticed 2 new sore have appeared.  Is this common to happen after taking an antiviral which is suspose to help stop this from happening, and is this what they call the "Primary" outbreak after we had oral sex 3 days earlier.  I am in total SHOCK and do feel like my whole world came crashing in around me, I know my husband feels like he is to blame and I know it was not an intentional act, but I must admit I have anger, hurt and feel like I am all alone.  My husband is very supportive and tries to reassure me he will be with me forever, but I must admit I pretend to feel better when he is around but by myself I feel absolutely like damaged goods and dirty!   HELP!!
Related Discussions
20 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You're not damaged or dirty so quite that kind of thinking immediately.  Lots of people have herpes and it's not going to kill you or anything.  It happened and there's nothing you can do now but wait it out.  When you first find out you have herpes, it's scary but really, it's not that big a deal.  Keep taking your meds and realize that most of the general population has herpes whether oral or genital or both.  It's really going to be OK.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Can't you just forget about this? Take medication if you want to control the symptoms, or if your husband is negative and you want to protect him. But like the person above said, herpes is so common, and it's not life-threatening, so put it behind you. It's time to move on. You've got it easier than many single people because you're already married, and it doesn't sound like anybody is going to leave anyone over this. Give it up and forget about it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Why can I ask do you seem so angry???  I am sure when you were first diagosed you felt the very same way!!  For me it has only been 2 days since I was diagnosed!!  Maybe there are some of us out here who are just looking for some comfort and support and if you cannot at last have some compassion then maybe yo should keep your negative attitude to yourself.  I know this is an open forum, but you sould stll have some human kindness towards someone who is reaching out for help!!!
Blank
101028_tn?1348750963
I answered your private message to me but you didn't address all the same topics as in your post here so I thought I'd add more.

Don't let yourself get hung up on the IDEA of having genital herpes. Your hubby having hsv1 orally all these years didn't mean anything so why let it be a reflection of how you see yourself just because you contracted it genitally instead of orally? Would you be down on yourself if you had woken up last week with a cold sore?  don't let it seem "worse" just because it's below the belt.  No one ever wants to hear that they have genital herpes but as I said in my private reply to you - if you had a choice - hsv1 is the one you wanted genitally. Over all it shouldn't be an issue for you and hubby.  Of course dealing with the emotional aspects of it is a different story.  Just don't let the stigma of it being genitally give this pesky virus more power than it deserves in your life!

Hang in there :)

grace
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for the kind words.  You are right I never looked at my husband differently because he had cold sores.  I love him just the same, butthe cold sore never affected us sexualy and I am old school(43) :)) and was taught tht this is a nasty dirty diseaseand didnt happen to happily married couple.  I know I have to look at things differently, but for menow it has beenonly 2 days since dagnosis and Ihope as time gos on and I understand this better I might be able to resume "Normal" living.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Your initial question as to how to move forward....is the same one I have.  At 59 years old my recent episode sounds identical to yours.  My story is I was married for 35 years and my husband had cold sores.....it never occured to me that it was herpes.  He died over 2 years ago and so I started a new life.  My generation, or at least I am a trusting person.  I started a wonderful new life with a man last July and again we both are very trusting and honest with each other.  Last week my episdoe began as yours did.....tears.....small bumps....went to the doctor and am now diagnosed with herpes simples 2.  Both myself and my guy are not aware of any prior issues with any prior partners.  But I still have it and find it very hard to deal with.  

#1...there is no blame.
#2...I feel emotionally screwed up and can't find a way to deal with it.

So again I wonder......can the test be wrong....not according to the doctor. How do you deal with this mentally?  I feel like I have a big red flag on my forehead for everyone to see.  

My guy has no problem with this and looks at it as simply an inconvenience, not life threatening, and he's right.  

I am an emotional person genetically and I just need some one to tell me how to get past this initial shock.

59andscrewedup
Blank
101028_tn?1348750963
Have you and your  current man both been tested for herpes to see who has what?  

grace
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
No.  

When I went to the doctor she said if he didnt' have any lesions then it wasn't necessary.  And since 1 out of 4 people have it....well he may have it now, or he had it before.......does it really matter?

I was never tested before.....so I guess I don't know if I had it or if my new guy had it.  



  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
It matters. If you both have the same kind, you don't have to worry about things like having sex with outbreaks, or using medication at all if you were planning to use it to protect him if he's negative. You both need to know where you stand with it.
Blank
101028_tn?1348750963
You don't need obvious lesions to get tested for herpes. www.herpesdiagnosis.com has terrific info on how to get properly tested for herpes. Do  not assume you both already have it.  

grace
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am so Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  It is a Shock and it has taken me da by day hour by hour to accept this.  M husband had his cry and every now and then I get emotional, but I must say I was diagnosed with HSV1 from oral sex me and my husband had this bad xmas eve.  It didnt take long for my symptoms to appear and we thought after all these years we were careful, but he must of been shedding at that moment and now here I am.  But if your husband had cold sores there is a chance that is the strain you have.  But since your husbands death it could be possible your new Boyfriend has it and he never knew.  But if it makes you feel better then get a herpes select and find out which strain you have, because treatment and outbreaks can be diffferent.  Please know that I am her to talk and know that life is to short and live it as best you can, I know its hard for Iam in your shoes and still have emotional moments.  It has been only7 days since my diagnosis and believe me it is a struggle.  But I feel that this lessen for me is to have more compassion to me fellow man.  Keep your chin up and hang in there honey!!  :))
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
So tell me this.......I never had any symptons until 2 weeks ago....my guy says he never had any symptoms. Is type 1 and type 2 the same except for the location?  

The doctor says my guy probably gave it to me.  Okay, but as I understand this I could have already had it.  How could I have already had it but never had an outbreak?   When I look at the pictures of type 2, mine didn't look the same, but my doctor swabbed the area and the test came back as type 2 positive.  Can the test results be wrong?  I am not into denial, but I have had experience with other issues, ie my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer by 2 different doctors.....they wanted to schedule surgery to remove his lung and then bang, he found out it wasn't lung cancer at all.  

The only symptoms I had was a few bumps under the skin and a tear.....then tingling on my left thigh, which the doctor  said resembled shingles.  I really don't know how I will know of an outbreak is coming unless the bumps show up again.  I had no other symptoms.  So if this is  herpes simplex type 2 how will I know I am going to have an outbreak before I get the bumps?  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Yes type 1 and 2 are the same virus except that people with type 1 will from what I have read will not have as many outbreaks as people with type 2 that is what I have read.  Remember I am new to all this, I was just diagnosed 1 week ago today, but I knew when I was infected due to the raging symptoms I got 3 days after oral sex from my husband.  Now I do recall you said your husband had cold sores in his history?  If so are you sure you never had any kind of symptoms years ago?  And your doctor cultures you and said you had type 2.  The only suggestion for your peace of mind is to have a blood test done in the next few weeks to determine your actual status and the actual type.  Your new boyfriend should also go with you to be tested, then you will both know who has what and go on from there.  I know it is a SHOCK for I too still have days of denial, and think my test was wrong, BUT I know from what my outbreak felt like and what my sores looked like, that this outbreak is my Primary one.  It is better now not completely healed but I must admit it was very painful, becauwse my body did not have the antibody to fight the virus.  So look back and see if you ever had any painful, sore in your vaginal area then think f possible the time line of that outbreak and that to may better explain this confusing disease.  The other question is could you of had this for years and just now get an outbreak?  That is the million dollar question, because some say yes and some say no, there had to be some symptoms when exposed, some could be mild but there is suspose to be some sort of symptom.  So that question in my opinion is probably the hardest to answer for you.  I just do not know.  Hang in there, and know I am here for you.  :))
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
So you are saying type 1 and 2 are the same except for their location?  I was married for 35 years and my husband did have cold sores and yes there was oral sex......but I never in my life had any symptoms until the bumps then diagnosis just afew weeks ago.  My husband died 2-1/2 years ago and yes I had a few partners after that.  Then my guy and I partnered up 5 months ago.  Since we partnered neither one of us has had sex elsewhere.  But of course we did prior to that.  He says he never had any symptons in his life, the same as me.  

The bumps healed/crusted over within a week or less......and did not look like the pictures I have seen on the internet.  Can the culture/test be wrong?    How will I know I am going to have an outbreak since now all my vaginal area and behind feel odd?  Mental?  Probably.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Yes the virus is the same DNA makeup except that one likes the vaginal area(2)  and one like the lips(1) but they can be spread by oral sex.  Have you ever had any KIND of symptoms before this?  Sometimes symptoms can be mild and you might not ever have noticed it before.  But if yo have ulcers, painful sores, vaginal discharge and flu[like symptoms this was probably your primary outbreak, but because I am not a doctor, please for your sanity get these blood test done and this will confirm your questions.  It sure will ease your mind so that you can move forward.  I did not have a blood test to confirm due to the fact, that my symptoms came on right after oral sex and that 7 years ago when I realized my vaginal area tore easy with sex, they tested me for both strains with cultures and blood and both were negative, and that we never cheated on each other the Doctor believes this could be the only answere for my diagnosis.  :))  SO please get these tests, and I have been told the cultures are pretty accurate during the first few days of an Outbreak.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
I spoke with my doctor today.
1.  Chances of the culture results being wrong are slim and none.
2.  He says that blood tests now would confuse the issue and he feels are not necessary.  Says for my mental sanity my guy could have HSV Antibody test done on him but chances are he will be positive....85% chance.  Which means he had it before.  If negative then I had it, either from my husbands cold sores (type 1 and 2 are the same except for the location) or another person.  Either way doesn't matter.  
3.  Someone can have Herpes type 2 and not know it, especially a man.  And 1 in 4 people have type 1 which can become type 2 through oral sex.  No wonder the bulk of our population has herpes one type or the other.
4.  If my guy didn't have it.....and I do.....he may not get it (which means he has enough antibodies to not have an outbreak).  Providing we avoid sex just prior to, during, and shortly after an outbreak he could never have an outbreak.
5.  If we both have it then no medication is needed for either of us. So I treat mine and wait and see if he has an outbreak.
6.  If normal hygene is followed.....ie washing hands after touching an outbreak area.....then you can't transmit the herpes.  Can only be transmitted by direct skin contact.  A toilet seat, swimming in a pool, normal daily activities don't transmit it.  
7.  I was put on Valtrex for 10 days and used Zovirax ointment (til bumps crusted over).  He prescribed Valtrex to use for 3 days when and if there is another outbreak.  If a person has 3 or 4 outbreaks a year only then would a daily suppression therapy be needed.  Outbreaks become less and less as time goes by.

So I guess you have to believe and trust in your doctor.

How are you doing with all this?  I can tell you since my outbreak I have been very apprehensive regarding sex.....my guy isn't.  He feels absolutely nothing has changed between us.  I just would hate for him to have an outbreak.  So I guess I have to get past the apprehension.  He is a great guy.  Last night he said "do you think my desire for you is less?  Because it absolutely isn't. "
I worry to much.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hey again,

I was just wandering?  How were you diagnosed, by a visual exam or  by a herpes culture? Had my very first symptoms VERY SOON after exposure. (3-4 days) Can you recall EVER in your marriage having any of the same symptoms you have now, if so then you can Assume you received hsv1(cold sore type) from your husband, but if you never had any symptoms and you sre now symptomatic you might consider it was from your new beau ( I am not placing blame please understand this).  Because from what I understand you said you have hsv2, which is usually contracted from sexual relations.  Maybe the doc was wrong with the diagnosis of hsv2 if he only LOOKED at your lesions.   And my Primary outbreak was very PAINFUL and became ulcerated almost immediately and I had inner thigh pains, headache and SEVERE fatigue, can you remember having any of these symptoms and if so how long ago were they, that might help you figure out when you COULD of contracted this virus.  I hope this helps, because I am almost after 13 days of my primary outbreak just now today almost completely healed and feel human again.  (another sign that this was my primary infection) Because of the length my sores took to heal.  Please let me know I am really curious if your doc did a culture or visually diagnosed you?  Keep your chin up!
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Hey again to you.

I was diagnosed by culture.  I had bumps and discomfort about 12/23, saw the doctor 12/27, she did a culture and started me on Valtrex (oral medication) and Zovirax ointment.  The lesions were healed by Jan 1.  I had tingling on my left groin from the inside to outside of my leg.  I had discomfort in the hairline/mound which is where the blisters were.  Not a lot of them.   Now I don't have the groin tingling, but I still have sensation where the outbreak was and it is totally healed.  How long that will last, no one knows.  As far as painful at the blister site, yes.  Childbirth was much, much more painful.  

I was married for 35 years and my husband died in 2002.  I never in my life had blisters before, no where on my body.  My husband did have cold sores.  I have been with my partner since July and the outbreak didn't happen until Dec 23.  

Just doesn't matter who had it first or how.  A baby can get type 1 from his mother through kisses.  That child then has oral sex in his teens and bingo now it becomes type 2.  That person now has type 2 for the rest of there life.   It's not life threatening.  It can be inconvenient, but life does go on.  No one will ever know when they got it or from whom unless starting at birth you are tested constantly and the fact that type 1 is the same as type 2 except for the location makes it much harder to figure out.  I am not going to spend the rest of my life wondering when it happened or how it happened.  Hormones, both male and female, begin running rampet at a very early age and for the majority of our population sex is enjoyed for a very long time.  So not not seem insensitive, I have it, you have it, the hows and whys will never be answered so we just have to let it go and get on with our lives.  We can't change it.  Let go of the mental stigma......you see a man at the mall with a cold sore....what do you think the chances are that he has had oral sex....I think probably 99.9%.  So now whomever he had oral sex with breaks out with type 2.  So she breaks out and is diagnosed with type 2 (which is simply a cold sore in a different area).  We shouldn't put a stigma on that should we.  

Life goes on......I am mentally dealing with this, better today than yesterday.  And will be even better tomorrow.  I think what really helps is talking about it with your doctor and partner.  No one else really needs to know.  My guy is wonderful, and what happened, well happened.  Hang in there  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
When it comes to HSV-1 I really think its better to have it down there than on your face. I know I might sound strange but at least no one can notice it when you have it and the fact that its not HSV-1's home turf means lesser outbreaks!
I have been infected with HSV-1 genitally from someone who I don't even like! At least you got it from your partner and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. In fact you showed that you do care for your hubby and I am sure he feels more gratitude and love towards you.
Good luck and don't worry about this...
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your kind words, it is helpful to know that there is caring people in this world.  Yes my husband is the GREATEST Man and best husband a women can have.  He cried as did I , but I have one life to live(and at 43 it will go fast for me)  :)) so I want to live it the best I can, with a positive and healthy attitude. I will admit since my diagnosis 10 days ago, it can still make me blue, but then I look at my 2 sons 22 and 17 and want them to see me as a happy person not a depressed and sad Mom.  They keep me hoping for the best.  Take care and THANKS again for your kind words.  :))
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Herpes Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top STDs Answerers
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
Fleetwood20
Avatar_m_tn
Blank
TiminBoston
NY
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
Scared4this
New York, NY
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
Bigtimeworried55
Avatar_n_tn
Blank
veryworried420
101028_tn?1348750963
Blank
gracefromHHP
PA