How to tell someone ?

Hi ,
I have recently gotten into a relationship however at the moment it is a long distance relationship . He will be the first relationship since I contracted the virus so I don't have any experience with telling someone . However , I know I have to tell him . What makes me  uncomfortable is the fact that he has told me he loves me and we have been entertaining sex conversations . To add to that he has expressed to me that one of his biggest fears is to catch something . That makes me feel even more uncomfortable . I also even noticed that he makes  jokes about it for example if I would say a celebrity is attractive he would reply with he has herpes or some form of std . Which also makes me afraid to tell him that much more . I'm beginning to feel like I'm being dishonest with him  I have also noticed in my age group 20- 23 a lot of people joke about herpes . I don't know if it is there ignorance or not . Anyways how would any recommend me telling him ?

[samminer]

almost thinking about the same thing ..

only difference being i dont know if im positive or not ( hopefully not :( )

yes you should tell him ..sometime but definetly before he advances on you .. cause once he cathces it and knows its from you ... dont know how he would react ..everyone is scared about herpes ..

just kid around a little saying "yea i also have something blah blah .. and see how he takes it


good luck

[surfchic]

I can understand your dilemma. No one wants to tell someone they have a transmittable disease. One option could be to wait and see if it even escalates to a more serious relationship. That way, you save yourself the grief if it doesn't last long enough to be an issue. But if youre anything like myself, you feel guilty and feel it needs to be said, also it would give me peace of mind to get it out the way. So heres what id do. next time he makes a joke about it or brings it up, tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and when he asks why, tell him bc youve been trying to talk to him about something personal for a while and everytime he does that, it scares you. (use your own words of course). By this time, youve done two things : braced him (he'll probably figure its related) and also set the tone for him to know youve been wanting to tell him and not keep it a secret. I hope this helps. Ive been recently diagnosed with hsv2. So i know the fear youre battling. Itll be ok.

[beautychiQ]

Hi ,
Thanks . The relationship is getting very serious . I feel like I'm betraying him because he really wants to be with me and a part of me so weird . I have decided I'm going to tell him but I want it to in person . I thought about over the phone but for some odd reason over the phone for me seems harder . I really do appreciate it .    

[surfchic]

Ok. No problem. Hope it helped. Let us know how it turns out.

[Mistakeguy789]

The best advice I think you can do is make this a part of your STD talk.  In all honesty being honest is the best policy. You need to have the discussion and help him be informed.  When someone is faced with HSV they need to know the facts.  

For example if you tell someone that you have herpes and they don't know anything about herpes other than what they learned in a limited form from sex ed they may run.  But talking to your partner about your HSV status and stating the realistic risks and what precautions can be taken to make the risk of NOT getting HSV-2 at least 98% per year works in his favor.  

The best thing to think of is think of when you were told you had Herpes.  Once you were informed more about it (and if you haven't learned a lot about it check out the free herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com for a GREAT read)

Now I don't generally discuss my age as I like keeping a little of myself unknown.  Yes our age group (I am 27) does see herpes as a joke, but I feel that a lot of that is because it is easier to joke about something than to think about the facts and learn about Herpes.  If your boyfriend is worried about STD's and his fear is about catching something then he may not be the one you want to share your life with.  Herpes though an "STD" because of the transmission it is merely a skin condition.  Think about it.  How many people have you heard that died because they have Herpes?  None.  Why?  It's not life threatening.  It is life altering only if you let it.  There is a stigma and this applies to any age.  You know that he has probably kissed at least 2-3 people who have had Herpes as cold sores?  

To be honest this guy sounds a little immature and sees sex differently than you may see it.  Although I hate to draw a bad picture and I will admit I don't know this guy but in all honesty I don't see him taking the news great.  He has already made you uncomfortable about this by making jokes and by stating he doesn't want anything.  It shows to me lack of maturity and lack of commitment for ones partner.  I guess you will see if all he is truly about is just the sex or if he truly wants the girl.  

Best of luck to you and please let us know if we can be of any further help.

[gracefromHHP]

is it being dishonest because you haven't talked about your herpes yet with this partner? No  it is not!! I guess you probably haven't showed him your 401k , your bank accounts or even discussed student loan balances with him?  These are all private things that we never discuss with others early on in a relationship :)

So what do you do now?  

I encourage you to stop thinking of this as just something you need to protect others from as much as think of all std's as something to protect each other from :)  It's soooooooooo not just about the hsv2 you know you  have - you can protect a partner and keep their risk low from that. Remember that the "talk" is about being sexually responsible and protecting yourself as much as it is protecting a partner from your hsv2.  You can easily get the risk to a male partner down to 1%/year on average just by avoiding sex anytime you have anything going on genitally, using condoms and being on daily suppressive therapy. It's lower risk than the risk of getting pregnant while on the pill ( 8%/year with real use of the pill ). Why not since it's on your mind, have the whole "talk " with this fellow? Since it's a long distance relationship, do it online/text/email or even on the phone. Let him know you believe in being sexually responsible and you need to talk about all these things with him before you meet and things go further. Even though he's paranoid about std's, doesn't mean he's educated about them or getting tested properly for them all and that's important information you need to know before things become physical for the 2 of you. Ask him how he feels about condoms. Let him know how you plan on preventing pregnancy when you meet up. Ask about his std past - has he ever had a std that he's so paranoid about contracting one?  Ask about his testing and ask him if he's actually seen results to know what he was tested for. routine std testing is usually just 2 or 3 std's and doesn't include herpes testing.   also talk about gardasil shots too. Then you can talk about the hsv2 you know you have. Ask him what he knows about herpes because odds are he really has no idea about it.  Let him know what precautions you are planning on taking and how they reduce his risk and go from there.  

Is it easy to have the "talk" in general? no it isn't. It isn't the least bit romantic but it's something we all should be doing every time before every relationship becomes physical. We all tend to assume that our partners are responsible and would tell us if there was anything we need to know and that is fairly naive.  Long distance relationships that are mostly online are tough enough as it is. You have to have a lot of trust in a person you only see 1 side of. Having the talk is important to help show that you are honest and to encourage honesty in them too :)  

stop back and let us know how it went for you :)

grace

[beautychiQ]

Hello ,

Thanks so much . I know that having this talk with him I need to become more educated on hsv as well . Before I contracted hsv I didn't know anything about it other then there isn't a cure and symptoms can include blisters . Since I contracted it I have learned so much more and that it isn't as bad as the world tries to make it out to be . I want to make sure that when I do tell him that I'm even more clear on hsv . I sure will come back and tell you all how it went .

Thanks

[gracefromHHP]

The free herpes handbook is a terrific free online resource. I also always recommend Terri Warren's book "the good news about the bad news". It's about $15 on amazon new and goes into far more details than her free handbook does. It also covers the psychological side of having herpes thoroughly too.

ask any questions you have and we'll try to help you :)