This forum is an un-mediated, patient-to-patient forum for questions and support regarding herpes issues such as: Herpes symptoms and treatments, causes, diagnosis, and herpes in men, tests, telling your spouse or partner.
I just came home from a visit with a ex boyfriend who knows I have herpes. While I was there we had sex but always used a condom. I had no signs or symptoms of an outbreak although I did get my period while I was there. He just called me today- the day after I got home, and said that he thinks he got herpes from me. I feel terrible and guilty and I don't know what to do or say.
I am not sure which virus I have, I was diagnosed years ago and very rarely have an outbreak, if I do it is around my anus and I do not use any suppressive therapy. I am very sexually active and always tell my partners about my condition. I have never given it to anyone before and now I am scared that I have given it to him and will give it to someone else. Clearly I need to go to my Dr and find out more information about what kind of virus I have and preventive therapies I can take but how do I deal with the damage I have caused to my relationship? Is there anything I can do or say to him to make it better? I know how ashamed I feel every time I have to tell someone I have herpes and now he has to do it!
What can I do to avoid this happening ever again? And how can I ever make it up to my friend? I feel like I have done something unforgivable to him.
It is really hard to deal with transmitting herpes to a partner. I did it myself twice and it took me awhile to come to terms with it to be honest. Both times I knew nothing about my herpes and wasn't taking any precautions ( first time I didn't even know I had it actually ).
Are you talking with your ex bf about what testing he's getting done and such? Find out if he's ever been tested before and make sure when he goes to be seen, he gets a lesion culture and typing done as well as a type specific herpes igg blood test.
So what do you do now? Well read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com. it'll let you know how to better protect your partners. There is also a good patient counseling video there for both you and your ex bf to watch too that deals with the psychological side of herpes more.
Hang in there- this is hard to deal with but in time, you will both gain perspective on it better so you do not carry such a burden on your shoulders about it.
thank you so much for responding. we are talking about things, although it seems like he doesn't want anything to do with me right now. I will defenatly recommend the tests that you mentioned
this is what i know now....
he said that he found 3 red spots at the base of his penis the day after i left. they are itchy but not painful and slightly crusted over.
we were using spermicidal condoms that gave me a yeast infection- i keep hoping that his symptoms could be some kind of male yeast infection???
he does not have health insurance so he has to go to a clinic, and he can't get an appt for a few days so we are just waiting i guess. I will be going to my Dr in a few days too to discuss this with her
a few more questions for you
would a blood test this early on get accurate results?
how long does it usually take for herpes symptoms to appear?
we were together for 4 days and three nights.
thanks again for the info, i think that the more i know and understand the better prepared i will be to prevent this awful situation in the future.
spots that show up the day after you left probably aren't herpes.
It'll be too late for him to get a lesion culture done if he can't be seen for a few days. if he's never had a herpes blood test before, he can get one then to see what his baseline status is ( that way if he already had herpes and never knew it , you don't take the blame ).
At this point he needs to follow up to get better answers.
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