So, for the past 2 weeks I've been crying myself to sleep. I'm 21, I found out I had genital HSV 1 when I was 18. During that time I was going out my first love for about 2 years. I got tested for STDs for the first time ever because I was having a bad yeast infection. When me and my boyfriend(at the time) speculated that it could be herpes, I told him I would stay with him no matter what---he felt horrible and said I shouldn't stay with him. Once he found out that he was negative and that I was indeed positive for HSV 1---he left. That was probably the most depressed I've been in my life. Re-living that moment in my mind sends me off the edge every time. Who gave it to me? I lost my virginity to him, but when I was about 12 or 13 I was in my experimenting phase. My friend at the time(a girl) gave me oral and well there you go......I was so oblivious and stupid back then. I had no clue what I did unknowingly as a pre-teen would come back and bite me in the ***(no pun intended).
So fast forward to age 21. I've slept with 2 guys (completely protected sex of course) without telling them about my "gift". And one of them I slept with on 3 different occasions and protected. YES I know what I did was WRONG. But honestly, I couldn't control myself and I felt like I was about to explode if I didn't have sex. And I missed the touch of guy, a guy who cares about me. So that's why I did it. I haven't told any of them, and I doubt I ever will. One of them even bragged to his friends right after we had sex that he had sex with me. I've beaten myself up so many times for what I did and I've vowed that the next guy I sleep with will know.
To continue, I've been talking to this new guy for about a month now and I'm falling in love with. I cry on many occasions when I think about how I'll have to tell him about my secret(I definitely will tell him before I have sex with him-there's no doubt in my mind about that). I constantly push him away saying things like "You don't want to be with me", "You don't know what I've been through", "We should just part our seperate ways" but yet, he's still here. To you guys, this may sound like the "perfect" guy to tell my secret to but I have my doubts. One doubt is the fact that he's told me that he "loves sex".
How do I tell him? When do I tell him? Should I just end it? I know I'll have to deal with this sooner or later but I just feel like giving up.....
Even the best blood tests still miss 1 out of every 10 hsv1 infections. odds are your partner who tested negative, really did have hsv1 orally and was who gave you hsv1 genitally. What a shame that he bailed over something so incredibly common :(
when you are ready to be intimate with a new person, don't think of it as confessing that you know you have hsv1 genitally, it's really a discussion between the two of you for both of your protection! You want to ask if he's had any std's. You want to ask when he was last tested and if he knows what he was tested for ( it's ok to ask to see actual test results too since odds are he isn't getting tested and/or he doesn't get tested for herpes with his testing ). You want to ask if he uses condoms ( not something you want to find out in the heat of the moment ). You want to ask if he's had his gardasil shots. You want to tell him about your own last std testing. You want to tell him how you feel about condom use. you want to tell him how you are preventing pregnancy. You also want to tell him that you know you have hsv1 genitally and ask him what he knows about it.
Hsv1 genitally doesn't reoccur very often and it doesn't shed very often. it's not likely to be transmitted to a partner but it can be. It's certainly not a reason to end a relationship!! In your age group, 1 out of every 3 people you know has hsv1, it's THAT common. by the time we hit the old age home, it's 80% of us have hsv1. Not many of us make it through life without it.
Interesting thing about that is that my bestfriend specualtes the same thing --- that my ex was actually the one who gave it to me. And I'm not quite sure what sort of test he got done, but something tells me that he received a blood test. And if he was that gave me the virus that would be amazing. He doesn't make any contact with me whatsoever and I'm not quite fretting about anymore.
The STD clinic that I go to often to get check ups has beat into my head that I NEED to tell any partner that I have sexual intercourse with. And so therefore I WILL, from now on, tell every partner that I sleep with. But my question is, for those individuals who have cold sores (HSV 1) on the lip, they do not go around confessing to every partner that they have an incurable virus, and so why should I (although I will)?
Also, thank you for responding back to my question. It is much appreciated.
I too have genital HSV1. Indeed as you said, you will tell your partner, because it's the right thing to do - and I would agree with you. I've told perspective partners and it's not been an issue. Education is key. And I think if you approach it with confidence and knowledge, it's paramount.
As to folks disclosing their oral herpes infection, well I knew my partner had oral herpes, but he hadn't had an outbreak in the whole time we dated - and, most people don't even KNOW that oral herpes is transmitted via oral sex, especially with no symptoms. Also, most folks who have oral herpes don't even know it; they don't have cold sores or don't recognize them.
You're not a walking pariah, that's for certain. You need to remember to approach any perspective partner with an STD/birth control talk - it's a 2-way street and assume nothing. It's a much about him as it is you. You can still get HSV2 (this too most folks don't know they have even though they're positive) so always be sure you both have been properly tested for herpes.
To be honest, genital HSV1 is the best herpes to have I think. If you partner has oral HSV1 already, they you both have the virus which give you each significant protection from getting it elsewhere. And, genital HSV1 means very few - if any more - outbreaks, and also very infrequent shedding.
You have a point. When I do approach my prospective partner with my issue I want to be confident. I can't be in shambles and crying because my negative feelings towards the issue will set the wrong kind of atmosphere.
And yeah, I know a handful of people who have cold sores and if I were to tell them that what they actually had was herpes...they would freak and dismiss the notion.
Ever since my ex completely abandoned me (we got back into a relationship after a year but only for a couple of months----things just didn't work out) and seeing his reaction when I told him I had it just kills me sometimes. I don't want another person to react like that---but I know this is inevitable. So it gets hard sometimes not to see myself as "disgusting" or "unwanted". You know?
When I was first diagnosed, the initial outbreak was HORRIBLE! But after it went away, I've never gotten another outbreak --and that was 3 years ago.
I've only had sex with 3 men in my life and I feel like that number is going to stay that way. I'd rather have to tell my secret to someone who cares for me and not just a guy I want to have sex with(b/c it most likely wouldn't fly with them).
It just gets hard that's all. I'm at the age where some of my friends are in relationships, happy (or so I perceive), exploring their sexual curiosities. And here I am, alone. Most of the guys that approach only want me for one thing anyway.
So this new guy that I'm falling for seems like a good guy. BUT, we just recently got into this small argument about his ex. Lets just say he's having mixed emotions about me and his ex. He's flip-floping (can't make up his mind) and seems confused about what he wants at the moment. I know this is not a dating forum, but my gut tells me that he's emotionally and mentally weak. If he can fold under circumstances where there's a issue with his ex, imagine how he would react when we get into a relationship and I tell him that I have H.
Info: We've been talking for a month and half. Him and his ex broke up about 4 months ago after being together for about 6 months.
well don't assume you know how your newest romantic interest will react. Most people are accepting of a partner who has genital herpes once they take the time to read up on it more.
if your man is still trying to get over a past love, don't hesitate to let him know that you aren't ready to take things further until he's got his act together. Not fair to you if he's being obvious about still wanting his ex :(
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