Need some honest opinions

Several years ago my boyfriend (whom I had not seen in 3 months due to us living in different states) showed up at my house for a scheduled visit. As we began to get intimate, he awkwardly proceeds to tell me he has a sore on his penis.  (It was a small cluster of sores, blister-like.)  Not thinking a lot of it at the time, we had unprotected sex.  The next day or two he has severe flu-like symptoms along with new outbreaks of clusters on several different places on shaft of penis as well as scrotum.  Body symptoms are bad enough that he goes to the doctor for relief from the flu symptoms, which is not typical for him, but does not present any problem with his genitals because he said he didn't want that on his medical record-he's in military. Since this has occured, he gets recurrent outbreaks about 6 times per year.  (We are still together)

About 4 days later I have intense burning/itching and sores all over my genitals, very unbearable, horrible outbreak, had to urinate in tub of water, could not sleep, pretty much couldn't function!    I go to the doctor and get diagnosed with herpes.   Antibody test is negative.

  Both of our sores take about two weeks to heal.

  Now here is my dilema:  When my test can back positive I confronted him pretty calmly about how he may have contracted this.  He had absolutely had no idea and even mentioned that maybe I could have gave it to him!  (Even though he was the first to present with any symptoms.  (Also, I have been 100 % faithful to this man, and he knows it.)  He went on to say that he really wasn't going to concern himself with *where it came from" because he loved me and wanted us to be happy. Even suggesting he may have caught it from an infected towel. (He has a history of being unfaithful and I have forgiven him many times.)  

Recently, I have reason to suspect he is cheating again, want to either make it work this time or move on.  Need him to be honest with me about this, before I can begin to move forward.  I am going to try to get him to go to counseling with me so that we can work on his infidelity issues.  

You may ask, why now after years have past:
It has come up many times over the years because I KNOW his story doesn't add up, but he sticks to it.  Due to recent events I have felt an even stronger need to just simply know the truth.  Doesn't really matter about having HSV2, it is the whole "honesty" factor.  I would like to present him with some pretty strong evidence that I know he has been dishonest about this for years, because I am getting to the point that if he cannot be honest with me about his stepping out of our relationship then what is point of me trying to mend things.  I plan to sit down with him and have a sincere talk about what my expectations are and to ask him once more to tell me the truth about this.  If chooses not to do so, then I may not stick around.  I am tired of being made a fool of.

  My question is:

1.)  Could his initial sympttoms been caused by his herpes being dormant resulting in a recurrent outbreak displaying primary-like symptoms and he never knew he had anything?  If so, is it likely something like this could happen?  Or does it seem more likely he was actually having a primary outbreak due to a recent infection of genital herpes?
2.)   Is it common for one to contract genital herpes (HSV2) by something other than direct skin contact?  If so, how?

Any thoughts will be welcomed.

Any light you can shed on this matter would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

[gracefromHHP]

you've paid to post this in the std expert's forum as well as the herpes experts forum.  Continue to follow up there.

grace

[caththecat]

hello!

1) yes. sorry that's not v helpful, but yes it's possible. I don't know how likely it is but if you compare the number of people who test positive for HSV2 antigens (25%) with the number who report outbreaks (8%) we can assume that a huge amount of people have the virus without being aware of it.

2) no it's not common, at least not if you're talking about the towel scenario. some say it's possible, others say it isn't but it's unlikely. If he did get it from an outside liason he wouldn't be likely to be truthful about it and blaming it on you or suggesting he got it from a towel sounds pretty ridiculous which would suggest he's hiding something (option no 1 would be a much more credible excuse!) however you have absolutely no concrete evidence that he even knows where he caught it, much less that he caught it while being unfaithful. he might honestly believe he got it from a towel so it's up to you to judge how truthful he's being which makes it hard to prove anything... sorry!


personal opinion here- he sounds like a tosser, I would chuck him : ) that's just me though... I had a bf who maintained lies for years. even when I could prove they were wrong he would just modify them to fit my evidence and then swear blind he'd said it all along. drove me nuts. Although I've found out I'm GHSV1 positive because of him since the break-up I'm still happy that we're not together. so best of luck girlie.

[imgoingcrazy7]

Here is the problem.  I didn't tell the whole story.  We are actually married now.  The herpes incident happened when he came home for our wedding.  I found out I had this on my wedding day.  I was at the doctor that morning.  I thought about calling the whole thing off, but was too ashamed of what everyone else would think, and I REALLY LOVED him.  You see this man had already put me through hell, yes I know i was stupid, and my family had just accepted him back and were actually on our side.  We had a child together.  I really believed he had changed.  I kept telling myself this had to be a "freak" accident, i was very young and vulnerable.  I could not imagine after everything we had already been through that he would do something like this, there was NO way!!!  Well I guess I was wrong.  Now we have been married for years, and I really believe (here I go again) that he does love me.  He has been a good husband.  He hasn't given me a reason to think he has cheated on me in years.  I do believe however, he did once right after we were married.  Now here is my issue, all of this was over 10 years ago, am I just holding on to the past or do I have a right to know?  Will I feel better to hear him admit it or do I just keep on going with this nagging sense that he is not trustworthy.  I was doing fine until our daughter starting asking questions recently about our past.  Now everything is coming back to haunt me.  I just feel like I need closure.  Thank you for listening.

[gracefromHHP]

I'll be honest - if all of this was 10 years ago and you still haven't "forgiven" him for giving you herpes, it's a little late don't you think?  You are asking him to do something that you probably have realized is never going to happen and it sounds like it's all part of the bigger issues in this relationship. If you suspect him of cheating again recently, work on that issue. You might never get the "closure" that you feel you need as far as he probably had herpes first and gave it to you. 10 years later and counseling - if it hasn't happened, it's not going to.  

are you two still in counseling?  Your marital issues are far bigger than the herpes issue at this point for you and your children.

grace