So pretty but dying .........life is over

Im crying as i write this................. Im so stupid ....... growing up my moms boyfriend used to always touch on me and rape me and i would tell her about it and she didn't believe me.  All through my teenage years i always had discharge and she never took me to the doctor she always said it would just go away.. By her doing this to me made me feel like she didn't care about me and then i stop caring about myself. I had unprotected sex with ppl rather i knew them or i was in a realationship ...i mean not with ere body ...but when i turned 19 she finally took me to the doctor for the first time in my life and i got my first pap smear,...i had gonerra for 3 years !!! After i took all the pills then another discharge came...it was small ity bity clumps of white discharge followed by a brown  liquidy discharge that comes out of me... and it smells like pee...my nose is always runny and my back always hurt, i got a rash on my foot, and im scared as hell... I got dry spots on my face(well i kinda ben having them like forever) but i read up on it and its possiable i could have herpes and hiv....so i went to the doctor and they found out i had herpes in my blood ..... im so scared cause ppl who have both have the brown water and it take 7-8 years for the hiv to show up ..... so now im gonna die ...no man is gonna want me if i tell him the truth..my famly doesn't care about me ...god prob. wishes id just kill myself...... why???? Should i just kill myself?

[letsgopens]

My dear,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  To answer your question bluntly, NO you should NOT kill yourself.  Life is too precious a gift to just merely take away at one's will.  I am a Catholic and was always taught that God has a plan for us all.  Perhaps it is to touch others and speak out about your situation to those who are too embarrased, shy, or scared to talk openly about it.  You are young and full of life to just give up.  Life is indeed a roller coaster which has some ups and some downs, you are in one of those down situations.  However, like a roller coaster those downs do not last long.  Speaking about HIV tests, I work for an organization that tests us every year.  If you did not test positive when you were tested last, then chances are substantilly high that you are HIV free.  Although I'm not an expert with the subject matter, I speak merely from experience.  Why would the medical staff waste their time on us by testing every year?  Answer is they wouldn't.  Also, the truth is the most powerful foundation in any relationship.  If you did tell someone the truth and they turned away, then they do not deserve you.  There are billions of people on this planet, I am convinced you will find the person you are supposed to be with.  Keep your chin up and drive on.  I wish you the best of luck and you will be in my prayers.

J.B.  

[LadyLady214]

thank u soo much i really appreciate ur comment :)

[deep157]

Dear lady,
          i contracted Herpes years ago and was devastated, i infected my partner, the girl i loved and who I later married, it wasnt easy but we stayed healthy and have loved fully without using protection for the last 15 years, we now have children all healthy and its all good.
We have not had problems with it for the last 15 years.  

Try to step back from the edge, its not the end of the world even though it feels as though it is at this point in time.

A very close freind of mine had to tell their new partner of their Herpes and it made the relationship stronger, she trusted him even more because of his honesty, and they are now working it out together.

You should make sure you look after yourself, eat good food, get good rest, gentle exersise, and make sure you are having the tests and taking what treatment the specialists recomend, it will get easier and in a short time this panic will fade and you should be able to return to a positive outlook.

Im going to be tested again next week to make sure everything is ok, its nothing to be ashamed of, it wasnt your fault, you did nothing wrong.

I became paranoid and thought that every bump and sore patch was an infection but they arnt, they are often just normal bumps we all get from time to time.

Take care, look after yourself, you are very special and one day soon you will feel great again.  

[LadyLady214]

Thanks that was really sweet im just so scared that i could have contracted hiv and herpes and i heard when u have both it turns into aids quickly and u die ... and every morning and every night i cry myself to sleep cause i kno if i do no man will want me and i will spend the rest of my horriable life alone... everytime i clean myself 5 hours later i spell like urine.... i feel so ugly on the inside and im ashamed because i feel like if i had my family with me like a norm person does i would be healthy..... now i feel like im gonna die and no one will care... i kinda feel like god just wants me to die.... im so scared.... cause ..... i just wish my past was different but i can't change it ... nor do i know how to now live with it..... i have no herpe bumps just discharge and the brown fluid .... idk what to do .... who knows i mite just die tomorrow,

[daisy315]

I'm sure it's taken a lot of courage for you to come here to this forum and tell all but you have made a very positive step in the right direction and towards unburdening yourself by sharing the secrets you have help inside for so long ......
First of all nothing and no one is worth taking your life for you are just as special and unique in your own way as we all are,what happened to you was outwith your control and I'm so sorry about that,but you are older now and in control of what happens from here on.
My advice would be to speak to you Doctor and tell him your STD worries and concerns and he will organise all the tests you need to have and get it sorted out for you with medication if neccesary.if you have Herpes I'm sure you know by now that it's not curable but it IS very manageble and certainly not the end of the world by any means you must look on it as a skin condition that can be annoying from time to time but that's all it is a skin condition,where you have this is quite irrelevent, I'm sure any of the regulars on this Forum will tell you that it makes me very angry that Genital Herpes carries such a stigma yet Oral Herpes doesn't when by all accounts there is virtually no difference between the two the stigma arises from the "location" and ignorance of those who have a belief that it cannot and will not happen to them,it can happen to ANYONE!! and many people have it and don't even know.
So I would ask you to see your Doctor and talk things through with him/her and once you know whats going on you will know how to manage your life ( including your sex life) from here on.
Please go and get the proper tests,because you are most probably worrying your life away about things you don't have,you will feel much better within yourself and your feeling of wellbeing will return when you rid yourself of these worries and only testing can do that for you, a short time out of your day is far better than worrying yourself silly day in and day out when you most likely have nothing to be worrying about .....
You are not alone so many people come here in despair and fear and once they have been tested they come back different people so much happier and in control of their life you can do this too .......
Until you are in a monogamous relationship always always practise safe sex to safeguard yourself and future partners ..... condoms always !!!

Good Luck and please come back and tell us how you're doing .....

Daisy  :)    

[LadyLady214]

See the crazy thing is im not scared of herpes... u can live with herpes... im just scared i have HIV ! AND HERPES ! ....I suck...

[petal130]

So, you don't even know, yet you're having suicidal thoughts? Both your herpes and HIV status can be determined through blood tests. Please do contact your medical provider, discuss your symptoms and get some testing done.

[LadyLady214]

No i got tested and they found HERPES in my blood back in May 09 but noone ive been with ever had it ... it scares me cause i have these weird discharges and etc....

[LadyLady214]

i have herpes in my blood but i don't have no bumps !!! wdf? how can that be?

[LadyLady214]

isnt that strange?

[gracefromHHP]

I can best help you if you get a copy of your herpes blood test results and post them here. That way we can be sure that you were properly tested and see if you need additional testing done.  All I need is the actual numeric results - ie hsv1 igg 4.5 and hsv2 igg 4.3 or whatever they are.

I know you are also posting in the HIV community so I"m sure they'll help you with your hiv related questions there as far as any testing you've had done.

Have you been back to your provider lately about the new discharge you have?

grace

[LadyLady214]

Um i dont have those but i remeber it was 7.0 is that bad ?? And i have been back they give me pills and it comes right back ! idk ... :(

[LadyLady214]

it said hsv2 .07 and hiv<1 my doctor said that means negative hiv and that i prob had contracted herpes within the past year ... but no signs

[LadyLady214]

ok

[LadyLady214]

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHT DAT MEANS?

[stupidme2009]

HI, LL214.  Just to quell your fears, it takes 13 WEEKS for a definitive HIV test.  This can be verified on almost every site related to HIV/STDs.  If you have tested negative for HIV and it has been 13+ weeks since your last encounter, throw your fears of HIV out the window.

HSV is more likely, since HSV1 is EXTREMELY prevalent, and HSV2 is believed to be about 20% of people age 12 and older.  I have found a site (will have to check my other computer) for sites accepting donations on HSV research (mainly schools, such as Duke, Univ of Fl, etc. — they have some really promising research going on).

[stupidme2009]

Just to add to my previous statement, which will echo may posts on this board, HSV1 is the herpes virus known to usually cause cold sores, but can be transmitted to the genitals.  So, if you test positive for HSV1 and have ever had a cold sore, that is most likely your infection.

For all the people who are judgmental, it is interesting that more people in the world that have HSV than not.

[gracefromHHP]

hsv2 igg of .07 is negative.  You don't have hsv2 if that is your test result.  

Are they testing your vaginal discharge for infections or just giving you medication?

Your hsv is negative from what you've posted.  Continue to go back to your provider for proper evaluation, monthly if needed, to try to get your discharge under control.

grace

[LadyLady214]

wow !!! Omg !!! I feel so much better !!!! Omg thanks !!!!!!!

[LadyLady214]

I was just soo scared because i keep getting these rashes and everytime i scratch them they turn into bigger rashes !!! But Ima just wait till i get my insurance and go get check again :)

[gracefromHHP]

why did you doubt your provider when they told you that you were negative?

grace

[LadyLady214]

Because  .... no one can explain this brown water and this tiny chunky discharge that comes out of me...plus on the sides of my vagina not the lips but where ur legs connects its some clear discharge that comes out that smells like pee, my underwear will be wett in places that don't make sense like its coming out of my pores... and when i wipe when i look down there its white then after i wipe it turns brown... and looks like tiny brown particles....:( .... and it scares me cause back in school I read on this new type of hiv herpes its when u catch hiv first then u catch herpes and u have this brown water that smells like pee followed by this chunky discharge...its scary cause alott of those side effects i have....and i just dont no how to act....every day i smell like pee... and i feel  this nasty splash of stuff come out of me... its very scary ... and when i tell the doctors they tell me they cant stop the brown water its something that my body is doing .... im tryn aget insurance to go to a obgyn...cause they know everything about that stuff... but i just don't know.... i mean no one that i ever been with told me they ha herpes except this one guy from way back but i don't think i gave it to him cause i ve had botfriends after him that i was with for a while and they never had herpes...but the ting i read was that  herpes shows up first... and then 7-8 years later Hiv will show up ... its so scary cause i just know something isn't right with me.... something...isn't..right

[LadyLady214]

but i guess

[daisy315]

I don't know where you're reading all this junk but it's time you stopped it and got properly tested for all STD's and then settle down and put all this nonsense out of your head,you certainly have a very vivid imagination .....
Ask your doctor to refer you to either a Urologist OR a Gyn specialist to find out whats going on down there,everything that goes wrong isn't automatically HSV or HIV  Geeez!!!.......... STOP reading stuff on the Internet and get the proper tests and treatments thats the only way to clear your head of all this,carry on the way you are going and you will have every disease imaginable before long !!! ( in your head that is )  

Daisy  

[LadyLady214]

yea ur right ... i just keep beating myself up everyday... thanks to ere body for there support and i will keep all of you updated and keep you all in my prayers....