Telling Your Partner

Has anyone come up with a way of telling their prospective partner about their hsv2 that doesn't sound like you're dropping a bomb on him/her? Or what about the STD talk in general? My hands get sweaty just thinking about it! I'm looking for help with the wordsmithing.

[waringblender]

For some reason, it's always me that has to bring up "the talk." I rarely meet men who bring it up first. So I just say, "I guess we should have the whole birth control STD talk since we both want to f**k." Usually I don't get a negative response to that, so I keep going. :) So I might say, "Well, we should both get tested for everything just so we know where we are. Do you know if you have any STDs?" And if they say no (which they usually do), I'll say, "well, I have herpes below the waist."

At that point, they'll say something like yeah, I'll get tested, or, I don't know if I have it, or I've never been tested before, or whatever their response is. In the entire time I've had herpes, I've only had 2 guys say "I'm not into this" and ditch me for it. But I tend to date really intelligent guys, and I live in a major metro area so I think they are pretty savvy about STDs--for the most part. Or mostly they just don't care.

More often than not, they want to screw anyway without the testing, but I like to have an HIV test at the very least, so I put off the sex  until test results are back. (Although I've been known to give B.J.'s and let them go down on me before testing.) :)

Sometimes they are really open to learning more about herpes as we go along in the relationship, and sometimes they just want to get on with the relationship and the sex and they are okay with me taking care of everything, meaning I tell them I use medication and we use condoms, and we are good to go. My experience generally has been that the herpes or STDs never come up again in the relationship and it's not really discussed in depth and never really becomes an issue. I always use condoms with my partners and I use the daily medication, and they are fine with that. Some of them want to ditch the condoms after a month or so, but my policy is not to do that until I've dated the guy a good while, like at least a year.

I will also add that in the time I've been dating, I've broken up with some of these guys, and some of them break up with me, but not a single one of them has ever said they left because of the herpes. Usually, it's some communication breakdown we have - or we have different goals that we can't jive on, like a few of them wanted to get married at a time when I wasn't ready for marriage, or some of them were just crappy communicators, so I left them, etc. But I still have yet to have any man say to me, after we've been dating a while, "you know, I thought I could handle this but I can't." They all seem really happy with the sex part of the relationship. It's other stuff that seems to get in the way, which is how it is with all kinds of relationships out there.

[Abigail121212]

Thank you for sharing that waringblender.  Such good advice on a topic that is really scary and probably stops a lot of us from getting intimate so we dont have to have that chat.  Sorry for hi-jacking this thread but do you ever worry that the potential dates may tell other people?  Herpes is nothing to be ashamed of but I dont particularly want to be a source of gossip for ignorant people!

[gracefromHHP]

I  approach it similarly as waring does ( and like her I've yet to ever have a fellow ask me about my std status or even if I"m on the pill or anything else - folks need to get much smarter about this!!!!!  you can't just assume that if someone has something they'll tell you or that a gal is taking care of birth control either  ).   When things look like they might be getting close to the bedroom  - I have the whole talk.  Sometimes I start it out silly like - hey since we have been spending more and more time together lately I think it's only fair to talk to you about my abstinence pledge and then I pick their chin up off the floor and say - just kidding and then go on to say but really we need to talk about a few things first before things get any farther and then I go from there.  Other times I just get straight to it and tell them we have some things to talk about first before things go any farther.  If it's a one night stand sorta thing - well it's a little different then. If it's someone I've met online and we decide to get together for the night - I usually do it thru email or on the phone.  If it's someone I meet out somewhere  I give the shortened and condensed version - I know I have herpes - do you have anything that you know of and then we hit the sack.  I accept that there are risks to one night stands and I"m ok with that.  More "traditional" relationships that I have - I usually ask for std testing too.  I've only had 2 fellows ever decide the risk was too much.  It hasn't been a big deal for me.  

When you do have the "talk" - don't hesitate to say something along the lines of - this might seem like something I shouldn't have to say but I should hope that this talk we just had never goes any farther than between you, me and your doctor.  It's really not something I"d want just anyone to know. I only tell folks who matter to me.  Doesn't mean that they won't talk to others about your herpes but maybe they'll at least feel guilt about it. Personally - I could care less. I'm very open about my herpes to anyone who knows me. My friends all know, my coworkers all know - I decided long ago that if it's not a secret - it can't be used against me so I've been very open about it for a long time.  I live in a relatively small town where I see all the folks who take care of me medically all the time so I figured who cares and just stopped keeping it a secret. It's just been easier for me.  I certainly understand how not everyone can be that way though. It is nice to be able to moan and groan about my freakin annoying herpes ob on my butt to my friends at 3am though :)  

grace

[waringblender]

I agree with grace. Plus if you think you are going to have a problem with your privacy being violated, you should probably not be getting involved with the guy in the first place. My experience has been that most men are very discreet and won't violate your privacy, without your even having to bring this point up.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to a basic respect for people in general, not just how they are treating you specifically. If you don't get a good feeling about a guy in that way, just lose him and find somebody else.

But I guess I've just never run across this situation before. It never even crossed my mind that it could happen. Plus  with most of the men I dated I wasn't part of their  circle of friends after we broke up anyway, so who cares?

I think most men are very discreet, though. That's been my experience. If it concerns you, just say, "By the way, this stuff is all private between us." I don't think you really have to get more elaborate than that. Good guys aren't going to turn on you like that, no matter what happens in the relationship.  

[pgibbs7109]

Hi Grace,

I was fortunate enough that my partner informed me of her HSV 1&2 positive status. I have since been checked and am negative for both. While the research materials and websites that you referred me to give plenty of info on HSV 2 transmission, there is little that discusses how and if you can protect yourself from HSV 1? Should I be hesitant to kiss my partner intimately? Are there any precautions you can take regarding HSV 1? Thanks

[cat515]

Well now that would have been an interesting post: What's the best way you've HEARD someone tell you they have herpes?

[waringblender]

I wouldn't worry too much about HSV1. More than half the population has it. You're going to be getting some major tap-dancing during your romantic relationships if you try and avoid this one. If you get it, you get it.

[Abigail121212]

Good advice, thanks for that :)