Wife has herpes

[taco20]

My wife just got diagnosed with vaginal herpes... my quesiton, is can the virus be dormat, say for over 1 year, then show symptoms through the outbreak?  

[jwls]

I'm a wife who just found out I have it and I told my husband right away when I noticed a difference.  I have nothing to hide and wonder every day why, where, who?  It has obviously laid dormant in me for a very long time and I'm not sure if thats good or not.  I feel so dirty and mad.  I'm a complete germaphobic and this just puts me over the edge.  I feel paranoid.  And I feel like every itch is it.  I don't feel comfortable even washing myself that I may spread it somewhere or to someone.  I am soooooo sad and have lost some significant weight and am sick again with fever and congestion and headache.  My worry could have just wore me down but I worry its the H even though my lesions are just about gone.  I swear I could just go crazy.  I feel so alone.  Be there for your wife, the emotions she has are probably just the beginning.  Why couldn't I had been less sexually active before I married.  After all I've been through in my life why this and why now?  I'm sorry for whining.  I guess I've got a ways to go yet  with all aspects of healing.

[ArualAmi]

Well... I am married and just found out I have herpes, and truthfully, if my husband hadn't questioned how I got it, I would wonder too; i would have assumed he knows exactly where it came from and that wouldn't have been good.
I personally spent hours online researching herpes before I told him about it, so I went into the conversation knowing that we could have had it for a long time. I didn't acuse him of cheating on me, and he's not accusing me of cheating on him... although deep inside there's this little bit of wonder in both of us still...
He hasn't been tested yet, but I am pressing for him to do it. I am assuming that he has it too, and that he's the on that gave it to me, just because he has a large history of unprotected sex before we got married. But he also pretty much right away asumed that he's the original carrier, although unknowingly.
What I'm trying to say is, having herpes is not going to ruin the relationship you have with a husband/wife if you love each other... but finding out one has been unfaithful might... I see your point, you're thinking she might not know that herpes could have been dormat on either one of you, and therefore by her telling you she has herpes she is pretty much assuming she's cheated on you.
I think I would sit with her and talk. I would simply ask her, without accusing her, why she expects you to leave her. Tell her it seems strange to you that she's not concerned as to where it came from.
You seem like a nice guy. Try to ease her fears and talk about it without getting mad, no matter what she tells you.
And go get tested... don't assume you don't have it just because you have no symptoms.

[sarahcruz]

You know, when I told my husband, before I got married to him, that I had herpes...his response was "That doesn't make me love you any less."  But it still makes you feel dirty and gross and unwanted.  That's most likely how she feels right now.  Just..tell her that no you do not want a divorce, that you love her, and just stand by her side as much as possible.  

That's a good one on you though, that you've been researching this as much as possible. It shows that you care.  Why don't you try telling her things that you know now, about herpes, that she may not...maybe it'll help ease her mind.

[taco20]

I totally agree Sarah... Last night she was willing to give me a divorce.  I was flabergasted by that comment, which just added to my suspicion.  I really don't care if she has it.  I'm willing to deal with it.  I've been helping apply the medication and what not...  I do love her, and I want her to see that I won't jump ship on her.  It's just when she said that if I wanted to leave her that she would understand that really made me wonder...

[sarahcruz]

I don't think it should matter who gave it to who.  The point is, she's got it.  If you're that worried about if you gave it to her, why don't you get YOURSELF tested first.  What kind of herpes does she have?  And when did she find out? How long have you guys been married?

I feel the big thing right now is this...move on and try to make the best of a bad situation.  I don't think it should be such a big deal.  Maybe she knows exactly who she got it from, and she doesn't necessarily want to tell you.  If she loves you, she probably didn't cheat on you.  And be glad she's not blaming you for it, because if she was, wouldn't that **** you off?

Just go get tested, see if you have it.  Like grace says, the easiest thing other than BOTH of you have herpes is NEITHER of you having it.  Because if you both have it, you don't have to worry about giving it to each other...

[taco20]

My wife didn't come out and accuse me of giving it to her.  I don't have it (May be I do if it can be dormant).  I would imagine that if one partner that didn't have it before, then contracts it that they will automatically accuse the other partner of giving it.. A normal human reaction....  However, she did not even accuse me.  I wondering if herpes can be dormat (she could have got it from a previous boyfriend before we got together) or is she cheating on me.... I"M CONFUSSED...

[sarahcruz]

The virus lives in the nerves, and can lay dormant for an indeterminate amount of time.  Most often, herpes is transmitted because neither party knows they have it, it's called asymptomatic shedding.