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Avatar universal

confused

So it has now been three weeks since i found out that I have genital herpes.  Im a 25 y.o female who has only been with one partner, who i have been with for a good 4 years.  He never knew that he had herpes, and must have gotten it from a previous partner before dating me.  At first i did go through a big of shock and had the guilty feelings and thought of what or where i went wrong.  I am now pretty much over that and realize that this is not that big of a deal.  While reading so many other peoples comments, it sounds like Its simply a bit of an inconvience.  However, I NEVER want to go through that terrible outbreak again, since i ended up going to the ER to find out, which costed me a pretty penny..
Anyways, ever since we found out about the herpes my boyfriend and I havent been intimate at all!  He hasnt been to the doctor yet, his apt is at the end of the month, but he knows he has to have it since i havent been with anyone but him.  But i dont really know why he doesnt want to do anything, i feel like he is repelled by me or something.  he treats me the same as he has before just not in the bed.  I mean we are at 3 weeks here people!  I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything like this before.  I dont know if he is scared he may give me something else, or maybe cause an outbreak.  
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Avatar universal
No, he can wait if that is the only choice for testing. Many folks are in shock when they find out. I'm sure he forgives you for being harsh. :)

It's not necessarily the case that you've had it for four years, especially if you were just diagnosed with it. It's possible you two went for several years or more before you were even infected. That happens too. It's possible for partners not to pass it during long-term sexual relationships. All you know since your testing is that you have had it for 3 months or longer.

You didn't say what type you had - were you blood-tested for both type 1 and 2?
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Avatar universal
I was diagnosed with HSV2 several years ago. I wanted to share with you my experience with how I handled telling guys I was looking to go on a date with. I am also an upfront person. I actually told guys before we went on the first date. I did online dating. My experience was vast.

I had some that didn't think they could handle it and we didn't go out. Some that had dated people with it so they were aware. Some that had it themselves. The person I married said he didn't know what to think. I told him, it's just a date. He agreed and we soon fell in love, married, and we now have a child together. Later he said it showed him my character of being honest and upfront. Since he had been cheated on in the past this was very important to him. Try it multiple ways. You'll figure it out. It will become easier and the OB become less and less as time goes on.
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Avatar universal
herpes is an incredibly common virus and can be passed on very easily (even kissing) and also comes in a variety of forms. It could have been passed on to you without your boyfriend having anything to do with it. he probably has doubts (he is only human). If he tests positive or negative there are going to be questions... questions that he doesn't want to ask because he fears (probably wrongly) the answers and this is where talking to a doctor/counsellor together is so essential as is should help clear up any misconceptions and help clear up any doubts.
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Avatar universal
and again.... Thank you.  You have been most helpful this evening.

take care...

dj
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Avatar universal
I think you will "know" the right time to tell him. You just will. You've obviously dated before, right? You knew when the time came when you both realized you were attracted to one another and wanted it to be sexual, so that can be one time to tell. It doesn't have to be, though.

You might want to get the know the guy better even though you both know there's a sexual attraction. That's what I did with the current guy I'm with. We dated for 5 weeks before I told him, and it was clear within about a week and a half that we were sexually attracted to one another. I never let it go past kissing, though, before I tell. So we kissed and hugged and snuggled while renting videos (and in movie theaters!) and held hands and did all the "safe" stuff while I got to know him.

Herpes is a very personal health issue. Do you tell the guy on a first date how much money is your checking account? Probably not. Because it's personal. It's none of his business, frankly. Do you share with him that you have a history of bipolar disorder in your family in the first week you're dating? Probably not. (Those are examples.) :o)  See where I'm going with this? There is no need to tell any person who you are dating about herpes unless and until it appears that there is the possibility of a sexual relationship.

You may date a guy and find after 3 or 4 or 10 dates that he's not someone you want to go further with. So you would never have to tell him. That's happened to me plenty of times since being diagnosed with herpes - I never got around to telling the guy because I didn't like him enough.

The time that you tell is really an individual decision - how long to wait, etc.
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Avatar universal
Well, THANKS AGAIN!  You totally answered my question.  I am only hopeful I will meet men just as open/understanding of this as you have.  One other question, if I may continue to 'dig' here...  At what point in dating do you usually bring this up?  I just feel If I put it out there right away, it would surely scare him away.. yet, by not saying anything right off, I feel I am 'luring' him in on false terms... I don't know if this is coming out right.  I just have always been an upfront in your face kind of person, to hold back saying anything right away I would feel dishonest, yet saying it right away I feel will scare men off...
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Avatar universal
Well, I think this *is* the forum for it, and if the OP doesn't mind that the thread goes in this direction ... who cares? :)

I'm talking about stuff like using condoms if you are not accustomed to using them. Or taking medication on a daily basis if your partner is negative and is more comfortable proceeding with a sexual relationship if you use medication. Stuff like that. I was actually using condoms for many partners before contracting herpes, so it wasn't a big deal to me to go back to using them. My birth control method is actually condoms because I never liked systemic birth control like the pill, so condoms serve a dual purpose for me - they protect my partners, and they keep me from getting pregnant.

I can't honestly say I've made other changes to my sex life. The men I date love going down on me (they can't be my boyfriend if they don't like oral sex). I have told them the risk is low for contracting it, and we don't use barriers for it. They still love doing it. :)  (Sometimes I can't get them to come up for air.) I always used condoms for anal sex, even before having herpes, so nothing has changed there. There just aren't a lot of changes I've made.

I do use medication because I seem to continually meet negative men. The current man I'm seeing is negative. He has had experience with herpes - had a girlfriend with it in the past, although his HSV-2 test was negative before we started getting sexual. So I take medication to protect him.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else that's really "different" about sex. I still feel really sexy, the men I'm with make me feel nothing but sexy and desirable in bed, so really that hasn't changed either.
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Avatar universal
Thank you once again, for your encouraging comments.  I would ask more in detail what you meant as far as those small changes, but this really isn't the forum =)  It really does still concern me, but I guess with more time to adjust, feel comfortable with the 'new' me, and eventually finding a partner who will be understanding (hopefully).. I will find out for myself.

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Avatar universal
...well yes I have reason to think I do/did but my doctor just said he didn't think that was it...see I went in because I had some itching on and off for what was about 3 months. Also had some burning/redness on and off and I did have sex unprotected a week or so prior to my visit and even had what looked like an ingrown hair red spot (which I even thought was an ingrown hair since there was in fact a hair in the middle of it) on my penis shaft. He just said that's probably it....I was even sick for a few days as well, fever for a couple days with some congestion...but at that time EVERYONE around was getting sick...flu etc. and also I was itching all over my body as well which prompted him to give me a liver test just in case...and that actually came back with some high numbers on one of the tests which showed that I was in fact drinking way too much (that's of course why I've cut way back) but the reason he gave me that test was because I said the genital problems seemed to get worse after I had drank...maybe the next day or so....so after the findings of the test we sort of concluded it there.
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Avatar universal
You'll get over those feelings. It takes time. :) I got herpes the same way - I was in a long-term thing and so we weren't using protection, and he didn't know he had it. :( It happens.

For me, sex is great, open, and free even with herpes. :) Believe me, you will feel just as sexy and sexual with your partners even with this virus. It really will not hamper your sex life if you don't let it. There are just small changes you may have to make (I said "may") with your next partners, but you will find that those changes really don't constrict your sex life. In fact, it can be enhancing - simply a different kind of experience, but not a bad one.

I hope you feel better. It's always a shock in the beginning. It will just take some time. Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, get some daily exercise (it'll get you buff *and* elevate your mood), and eat a healthy diet. It really truly is not the end of the world. :)
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Avatar universal
I appreciate your comments (more than you know).  I too am in my 40s.  I am just not ready to face having 'the talk'.. I have not had too much practice with rejection in my life (thankfully) and it will be new to me.  I'm scared to death.  I am also concerned with how sex will be affected between me and a future partner.  I have not had a ton of partners, mostly long term where we didn't use a condom (thus, how I probably ended up with HSV) but sex has always been so great, open, free... I feel I won't necessarily be myself anymore.  I feel part of me is gone actually.   It's so sad to me.
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Avatar universal
Sorry, I meant DR. not nurse.
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Avatar universal
dj321, I think you'll do fine out there dating. Your honesty will go a long way, believe me. Most of my partners were just blown away at my honesty about it. I'm also probably a bit older than you, though, too (I'm guessing). I'm in my 40s, and I date men who are my age and older (up to 60 years old). Most of these guys have been around the block (as have I) in terms of life experiences, relationship experiences, health issues, etc., so for many of them, my herpes just wasn't a big deal. I should add that some of them already had experience with herpes -- one had an ex-wife who had it (he never got it from her); a few had prior girlfriends with it, or they had friends with herpes who discussed it with them - it's really common!

There are millions of people out there with herpes. Millions. Maybe many of them aren't talking to their partners about it. But many of them are. And they are not being rejected right and left. Probably many folks do experience rejections (I've had only a few myself), but most educated, open-minded individuals who find you attractive and are looking for qualities like honesty, ability to communicate, and openness in general will not be put off about this. In many cases, my ability to discuss this issue actually improved our sex life - it opened up the guy's ability to discuss  sexual issues in general, like fantasies, sexual practices, allowing him more comfort in discussing our sex life, how to pleasure each other, etc. Don't underestimate the value of that. Some of these men were completely clueless about condoms, too, so I got to educate them about that. And then we could have fun with it - trying different condoms (glow-in-the-dark condoms are a blast, BTW) and just exploring one another in these different ways.
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Avatar universal
It was the DR. who said that, not the nurse!

I think before I would have said if you feel any reason at all you could possibly be HSV positive, it is your responsibility to know.. HOWEVER, after finding out I was.. and feeling I was better off NOT knowing (repeat, I was better off, not necessarily any future partner), I have mixed emotions.

Is there any reason you feel you may have HSV? (other than being a sexually active human)?
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Avatar universal
Wow, that is kinda crazy she said that....although that helps explain the social stigma about it...even your nurse seemed scared of it.....there is that "if you don't have blisters/lesions then don't worry about it" thing...and that's why I just feel like giving up on the idea of getting tested....
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Avatar universal
I know exactly what you are saying!  When I told my dr. I wanted to be screened, and I asked her what tests were included, I noticed there were none for HSV.  I asked her if she could include that test as well and she said to me (and I quote).. "Oh, do you really want to open up THAT can of worms?"  I couldn't believe it!  I told her I thought it would be the responsible thing to do (not feeling I had even a chance of actually having it, but still wanting to be sure).  She shrugged and said..'OK, if you say so..."  I found that to be such an odd response from a medical professional.
I have read some about the the debate about who should be tested for this disease and who should not.  It is controversial, because there are so many people out there who are infected, with no symptoms.. yet when they know, it can actually have a negative affect on their emotional well-being, quality of life (this is what  I read, not my own words).  I do understand tho the impact of just knowing you have something that will forever affect your future relationships.  Lets face it, most people given a choice would not subject themselves to this if they don't have to.  Although one writer up a few posts made some comments that were a bit inspiring (about her partners didn't seem to feel it was that big a deal).  So far, I haven't tested the waters, I am at the stage I feel pretty much like I have the 'plague'...
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Avatar universal
The testing is also odd to me because the normal panel of blood tests for STD's doesn't even include HSV. So when someone says "oh I've been tested for everything"...well, not really....I've actually asked my doctor if I should be tested for HSV because of the symptoms I had and he just said it wasn't needed because by what he saw, I didn't have herpes and not to worry about it....I've actually had two experiences like that with different doctors.
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Avatar universal
Yes, that is a good point that you don't sleep around etc. because it has been pegged over the years as something that only people who sleep around get...I know I've done some things that I shouldn't have done...and usually because I was drunk...except I have drank a lot over the past year or so, almost every night it seems...and I know I can't keep doing that because my body is paying for it and has paid for it (I'm 30 BTW.)...I'm of course not drinking that much now...and I do understand that you had no choice of going to the hospital if you had such a bad OB.

I mean if you got it and you've been in one relationship and don't sleep around...then there are probably a lot more people like you with partners who don't know they have it in the first place (which has already been proven, right) so it seems that this will probably spread (worldwide) pretty quick....it just almost seems nearly unavoidable (except I guess wear a condom)...I have always thought that there may in fact be more people who have it than what they say (25%)....I heard a statistic of up to 50% of college women have it, or will have it within the next few years or so...
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Avatar universal
First of all, I think anyone who is sexually active with more than one partner, has a responsibility to get screened once in a while for any/all STD's.  I did, and that is the only reason I ever found out about being HSV positive.  Though the selfish part of me wishes I never found out (it was certainly an emotional back hand that hit hard), I am glad I know to take better precautions about spreading it to someone else who might suffer from the symptoms, that I have read/heard can be very painful.
As far as the immune system, I really don't think it has as much to do when you are exposed to the virus, as much as it comes into play as far as outbreaks?  But that too, is up for debate. I also have Hypothyroidism, which is an autoimmune disease, yet, I am one that doesn't suffer from OB's.. so, go figure!?
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Avatar universal
ActuallyI didnt go out of my way to get tested. I never thought i would have something like this.  One friday morning i woke up with a bump on my vagina and  by saturday i had over a dozen including inside.  I was in so much pain i had no choice but to go to the ER.
And i totally agree that many people do not take care of themselves, but that doesnt mean that ALL americans do not!  I however do take pretty good care of myself, at least i think i do.  
I just think its funny, its not somone who sleeps with numerous people and doesnt practice safe sex or doesnt take care of themselves.  It is someone like me, someone who hasnt slept around and has only been with one person.   And u have a comment you do about drinking and eating out. Im not gonna lie im 25 of course i drink, but only on an average of once or twice a week if that, much less than i did at 20!
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Avatar universal
Crazythangs, no I'm not saying that if you never ate McDonalds or drank alcohol that you wouldn't get...what I'm saying is that if you partake in those KINDS of activities fairly regularly then you would be way more susceptible...I mean look at how American's treat themselves health wise...it's really no secret that many people don't take care of themselves...I've even been there...furthermore, I think to say that your immune system doesn't have much to do with the effect of herpes on your body is NOT true....a stronger immune system is what fights off diseases/viruses.......again, not to sound negative, but if you don't have obvious signs of herpes why do people feel like they need to go out of the way to get tested?? I know that your answer might be because you might infect someone else but, with what? a virus that they probably will never know they have either?? just a thought.
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Lol, i know right, nasty ****.  But i still had to reply to that one. thought it was pretty good ****.  I only go there after i close the bar down every night i guess. ha,ha jk
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Avatar universal
LOL. Well, I think it's probably a good idea to avoid eating at McDonald's no matter how healthy your immune system is. Let's face it - that corporation is the epitome of an environmental, political, and public health disaster. I haven't set foot in any fast food restaurant since I was a teenager, which was about 30 years ago.
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Avatar universal
I don't think it has much to do with the immune system, for most practical purposes. Some folks with intact immune systems never have symptoms, and some folks have many outbreaks per year. I fall in the former category myself - never had many physical manifestations of the virus, making the biggest issue for me protecting my partners.

The problem with the people not knowing they have it is that they could be having what is an outbreak but mistake it for something else, like an ingrown hair, a shaving cut, a rash from soap or other irritant, etc. So they are possibly out having unprotected sex while they think they have an ingrown hair when it is actually an active outbreak. That's the problem with not knowing they have it.

Once they find out they have it, they can be educated to recognize symptoms in themselves (or at least you hope the can be) so that they can then make informed decisions about avoiding sex and/or using protection to help protect sexual partners.

I think that's where the problem comes with not knowing about having it. But you're right in the sense that it's certainly not a huge medical tragedy to have this thing, if the majority of people have symptoms so mild (or no symptoms at all, like the above poster) that they don't even give it a second thought. That's why the stigma of it is really overblown. IMHO.

N.B.: The original poster needs to have her herpes typed. It doesn't sound like she even knows what type she has.
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