Aa
no intercourse, no symptoms, but risky guy
I am probably being paranoid, but I wanted to ask about this anyway. I have recently begun dating a man who has had a lot of partners - around 80, he says, including a few professionals. He says he has been extremely careful with protection with all of them, and that most of them were a number of years ago and he has tested negative for everything since then. Still, though, it seems unlikely that he never caught anything. We have not had intercourse, and I have been careful to keep us from having genital-to-genital contact until he and I are both tested again. We have had oral sex, and we have had genital-hand-genital contact (he touches himself and then me). We have seen each other 3 or 4 times. I am a bit worried because he seems a little hesitant to let me see his penis - he turns the light off before i perform oral sex on him (but not for anything else) and if i move to do so while the light is on he doesn't want me to. He also pulls the covers up over him if he's naked. I know he has a couple of little (1-2mm) bumps just under the head of his penis right beside the frenulum, but i haven't been able to get a good look at them. They don't have any red around them, though. They don't seem to be painful to him.
I know that I need to have a conversation with him about my worries, risk, and trust. However, I was wondering what the chances are that he has herpes, and what the chances are that I could have contracted it from him. I am pretty terrified - I dislike sex with condoms, and only have intercourse with men who have been tested and with whom I am in a long-term relationship. Am I just being overly worried?
I know that I need to have a conversation with him about my worries, risk, and trust. However, I was wondering what the chances are that he has herpes, and what the chances are that I could have contracted it from him. I am pretty terrified - I dislike sex with condoms, and only have intercourse with men who have been tested and with whom I am in a long-term relationship. Am I just being overly worried?
getting tested now gives you your baseline status. since you've had no risk for infection at this point, both of you getting full hsv igg testing is the easiest thing. why put more money into this than you need to?
suppressive therapy reduces recurrences by 70% on average and reduces shedding of the virus by 80% on average. Daily suppressive therapy with valtrex ( the only herpes medication studied for this ) reduces transmission to a partner by 50% ).
the number of recurrences has little to do with the amount of viral shedding. studies have found that folks shed about the same amount whether they have 0 ob's a year or 10 ob's a year. There are some folks on both ends of the spectrum like there is for everything - some folks will shed less and some will shed more. It's why we talk about averages - as rajah says on HHP , your mileage may vary .
sometimes the info you read is really the proverbial comparing apples to oranges. yes we do talk about how 70% of folks who contract hsv2, contract it from a partner without any signs of an ob present. Still overall the risk of transmission is relatively low as long as the infected partner is aware of their infection and avoids sex when they have symptoms. Most folks who have hsv2, have no idea they have it, think it only causes obvious and painful symptoms and are far more likely to have sex during mild symptoms than someone who is aware of their infection will. For male to female - the risk is 8-10% each year if all you do is avoid sex during obvious genital symptoms. if the infected male also takes daily suppressive therapy with valtrex and uses condoms, the risk to his female partner goes down to 2-3%/year. Compare that to getting pregnant on the pill - 1% risk for ideal use, 8% risk for average use.
keep asking questions!
suppressive therapy reduces recurrences by 70% on average and reduces shedding of the virus by 80% on average. Daily suppressive therapy with valtrex ( the only herpes medication studied for this ) reduces transmission to a partner by 50% ).
the number of recurrences has little to do with the amount of viral shedding. studies have found that folks shed about the same amount whether they have 0 ob's a year or 10 ob's a year. There are some folks on both ends of the spectrum like there is for everything - some folks will shed less and some will shed more. It's why we talk about averages - as rajah says on HHP , your mileage may vary .
sometimes the info you read is really the proverbial comparing apples to oranges. yes we do talk about how 70% of folks who contract hsv2, contract it from a partner without any signs of an ob present. Still overall the risk of transmission is relatively low as long as the infected partner is aware of their infection and avoids sex when they have symptoms. Most folks who have hsv2, have no idea they have it, think it only causes obvious and painful symptoms and are far more likely to have sex during mild symptoms than someone who is aware of their infection will. For male to female - the risk is 8-10% each year if all you do is avoid sex during obvious genital symptoms. if the infected male also takes daily suppressive therapy with valtrex and uses condoms, the risk to his female partner goes down to 2-3%/year. Compare that to getting pregnant on the pill - 1% risk for ideal use, 8% risk for average use.
keep asking questions!
Oh! I also had another question.. If someone who is completely asymptomatic gets tested and discovers s/he has herpes, what is the next step? Is suppressive therapy just to reduce outbreaks, or does it also reduce viral shedding? Do people without outbreaks shed less virus? Does this mean that some people with herpes are more infectious than others, if they have more severe outbreaks? This virus and its transmission seem so complicated, especially because on the forums it seems like there is conflicting information... Simultaneously the forums seem to imply that sex w/ someone w/o symptoms is really risky (because so many people get infected that way) and not so risky (because virus only "sheds" very seldom). Thanks!
I was hoping to get the biokit test now, just so i can get some peace of mind, and then verify in a few weeks or a month with the full igg test. I'm a really anxious person, so i'd rather only have to do hardcore worrying for 10 minutes for the first test. Do you know if there's any way to figure out where to get the biokit tests done? I wish that herpes was a regular part of STD testing, that one didn't have to push the doctors to get tested. I'm so afraid that I already have it, and am just asymptomatic.
I actually got a much better look at his penis the day after i posted this - and the bumps look almost precisely like a picture i saw of mild "pearly penile papules," and were in the right location for them, too. he also seemed less shy, i don't know why.
I actually got a much better look at his penis the day after i posted this - and the bumps look almost precisely like a picture i saw of mild "pearly penile papules," and were in the right location for them, too. he also seemed less shy, i don't know why.
the pockit test is no long available. it went off the market years ago. it's since been replaced with the biokit hsv2 igg.
I recommend full herpes igg blood tests for both of you so that you know not only your hsv2 status but also your hsv1 status. the biokit only tests for hsv2.
this fellow is already raising some red flags for you. he's admitted to multiple partners. You don't like to use condoms. don't hesitate to ask him to show you his actual test results for peace of mind. that way if you both share your results with each other, you know who got tested for what and there isn't any doubt .
hpv in males is not something that he'll be tested for. there are tests for it for males but they are not typically used since none of them have been commercially released. You've found symptoms that don't sound at all like herpes lesions according to your description. Be open to him and say - I've felt a few things under your penis - do you mind if I look at them under the light better to see them /have you ever had them looked at. It could just be residual skin from being circumsized or even things like lymphocele's. Opening up the discussion is the best course of action so that this relationship can grow. Don't start bad habits early!!
It's also ok to ask him - what's with the no lights stuff? Perhaps he's just always been embarrassed about this body or just prefers the lights off. we all have our little idiosyncracies but in order to respect them and work out a compromise if you are a lights on kind of person, you need to discuss them :)
I recommend full herpes igg blood tests for both of you so that you know not only your hsv2 status but also your hsv1 status. the biokit only tests for hsv2.
this fellow is already raising some red flags for you. he's admitted to multiple partners. You don't like to use condoms. don't hesitate to ask him to show you his actual test results for peace of mind. that way if you both share your results with each other, you know who got tested for what and there isn't any doubt .
hpv in males is not something that he'll be tested for. there are tests for it for males but they are not typically used since none of them have been commercially released. You've found symptoms that don't sound at all like herpes lesions according to your description. Be open to him and say - I've felt a few things under your penis - do you mind if I look at them under the light better to see them /have you ever had them looked at. It could just be residual skin from being circumsized or even things like lymphocele's. Opening up the discussion is the best course of action so that this relationship can grow. Don't start bad habits early!!
It's also ok to ask him - what's with the no lights stuff? Perhaps he's just always been embarrassed about this body or just prefers the lights off. we all have our little idiosyncracies but in order to respect them and work out a compromise if you are a lights on kind of person, you need to discuss them :)
Also I missed the part about "professionals". Are we talking about strippers, prostitutes? The odds are not good here. Of course he could be negative, but with the numbers they throw out here like 50%-55% (some say more) have HSV 1 and 20%-25% have HSV2, and factor in the 80 partners along with few "professionals", odds are he has dealt with HSV infected partners. Condoms are always good, but they don't always protect you against Herpes.
You should both go to the doctor and get a std screening done together. Then you should wait another 3 months without sex for another test and hopefully he will have negative results.
You should both go to the doctor and get a std screening done together. Then you should wait another 3 months without sex for another test and hopefully he will have negative results.
80 partners??? is it tiger? sorry bad joke but really why do you want to be with a guy that has had 80 partners. It sounds very shady to me that this guy very "shy" with you when things get hot. For a person who has had 80 partners it doesn't seem right. Also, you can't trust anyone until you see the test results yourself. Don't just take their word for it.
The oral sex encounters were very recent.
No, I've never been tested before. I haven't demanded the blood test, have never had symptoms, and the doctors have discouraged it. I have only been in two situations before this one that i might call risky, and I don't have any particular reason to suspect herpes in either case.
I know that this doesn't really mean anything, and that's why I'm getting tested now. I know that herpes antibodies take awhile to show up, which is why I've asked him to get tested too. I figure that if I test negative now and he tests positive, I don't sleep with him and I know that I need to get tested again in 12ish weeks. If we both test positive or negative I'd want to make absolutely sure of that status (getting another test a little later, probably) before sleeping with him. If I'm positve and he's negative, he can figure out what he wants to do about that - whether I'm worth the risk.
I'm more worried right now about how transmissible things are. It was my understanding that oral hsv-2 is rather rare, so getting hsv-2 from oral sex would be difficult. getting genital hsv-1 would be more likely. Is that correct? Also, I was wondering how long the virus survives on hands - if there is no genital-genital contact but he touches himself and then me, is that risky behavior? I have been careful to not allow genital-genital contact at all, but there has been back-and-forth touching. I know that the only non-risky thing is abstinence, but i'm hoping that the activities we've engaged in so far are relatively non-risky.
No, I've never been tested before. I haven't demanded the blood test, have never had symptoms, and the doctors have discouraged it. I have only been in two situations before this one that i might call risky, and I don't have any particular reason to suspect herpes in either case.
I know that this doesn't really mean anything, and that's why I'm getting tested now. I know that herpes antibodies take awhile to show up, which is why I've asked him to get tested too. I figure that if I test negative now and he tests positive, I don't sleep with him and I know that I need to get tested again in 12ish weeks. If we both test positive or negative I'd want to make absolutely sure of that status (getting another test a little later, probably) before sleeping with him. If I'm positve and he's negative, he can figure out what he wants to do about that - whether I'm worth the risk.
I'm more worried right now about how transmissible things are. It was my understanding that oral hsv-2 is rather rare, so getting hsv-2 from oral sex would be difficult. getting genital hsv-1 would be more likely. Is that correct? Also, I was wondering how long the virus survives on hands - if there is no genital-genital contact but he touches himself and then me, is that risky behavior? I have been careful to not allow genital-genital contact at all, but there has been back-and-forth touching. I know that the only non-risky thing is abstinence, but i'm hoping that the activities we've engaged in so far are relatively non-risky.
As I said, have you ever been tested before? You having let's say 2 partners and him having 80 means nothing. Promiscuity (or lack there of) does not define a person with herpes.
No reason to "worry a lot". You haven't even had intercourse with him yet. Is he getting tested as well? As to oral sex, while a low risk, wait until both of you are tested if it puts your mind at ease. Then after testing you can both move forward with any precautions if necessary.
As to him not wanting you to see his penis, ask him why. Honesty/trust is the building block for any relationship. Doesn't sound like you trust him in him not wanting to show it to you, so tell him that (and, maybe he's self-conscious, who knows!).
How long ago were the oral sex encounters with him? Realize that any testing you have now will most likely tell you your status prior to this relationship. Herpes antibodies can take weeks to a few months to form.
No reason to "worry a lot". You haven't even had intercourse with him yet. Is he getting tested as well? As to oral sex, while a low risk, wait until both of you are tested if it puts your mind at ease. Then after testing you can both move forward with any precautions if necessary.
As to him not wanting you to see his penis, ask him why. Honesty/trust is the building block for any relationship. Doesn't sound like you trust him in him not wanting to show it to you, so tell him that (and, maybe he's self-conscious, who knows!).
How long ago were the oral sex encounters with him? Realize that any testing you have now will most likely tell you your status prior to this relationship. Herpes antibodies can take weeks to a few months to form.
I have not had a test - I have a gyne appointment in a couple weeks and I will get tested then. I might go to my normal doctor sooner, though, because I'm worrying a lot.
I was planning on trying to get the IgG type specific blood test, but was also wondering about the "pockit" test - it would be so nice to know the results immediately. is it not as accurate as the IgG test?
I was planning on trying to get the IgG type specific blood test, but was also wondering about the "pockit" test - it would be so nice to know the results immediately. is it not as accurate as the IgG test?
Have you been tested to know your own herpes status as well? It's important for you both to know your status. Also be aware that you can transmit via oral sex as well, from mouth to genitals and vice verse.
An IgG type specific blood test is what you'd both want, in case you didn't already know.
An IgG type specific blood test is what you'd both want, in case you didn't already know.
i did ask him specifically if he had had herpes blood tests, and he said that he had, and they came up negative. but I didn't ask what kind of test he had - I will.
I can't speculate on any of the facts you've given, but herpes testing is not routine. No symptoms is always a good sign, but it wouldn't hurt to double check he has gone out of his way to request specific type igg testing.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Herpes Community
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
