reentered the dating scene

[scman]

I am a nearly 40 and just reentered the dating scene after the dissolution of a 10 year marriage. When I met my ex she informed me that she had genital herpes.  I had oral herpes.  I never once had a genital outbreak during the entire marriage.  When we seperated, I was under tons of stress due to depression, fighting for visitation with my children, housing, money.  You name the stress I experienced it.  I haven't had any sexual encounters since the seperation five moths ago.  I am now having what I belive is a genital out break. So, I have two questions.

1: How can I definitely determine whether I have genital herpes or not?
2: Most importantly to me, how do I discuss this with some one I am romantically interested in? If iI have it,  I have no choice but to live with it, but my potential lover does have a choice.  I am actually afraid.  I don't think I have felt fear of rejection in my entire life, but now at 40 I do.

Please let me know your thoughts.  They would be appreciated.  

[IDTB]

Your analysis about putting yourself in some else's shoes is a valid one. Look at it this way, if you tell potential romantic interest about your herpes and they still decide they want to be with you, then they must have pretty strong feelings for you and that's a good thing, for both of you. On the other hand, if someone chooses not to be with you, (and that's always a possibility to be expected) then you can't judge them as bad or for wanting as you put it, to be a "self preservationist". It just means they weren't the one for you. So, don't feel reserved about letting the person you are intersted in know your situation because you have to do that. Granted, it 's not on the first meeting of course because obviously you have to get to know the person first and let them get to know you. But at the point you feel it's getting time to go to that next step.

As Petal said, blood tests will narrow down the type/s of herpes you have. And a culture on any lesions specifically on the genital area will have to be done to confirm if the OB in that area is indeed herpes.

[scman]

Thanks for your response and that is what I will do.  I am pretty sure that is what it is, though I guess the best way to know is by the test.

I don't know why I am so worried about telling some one about having herpes.  When I put myself I their shoes, I can't say that I would honestly not be deterred by it.  Does that make me a bad person or just a self preservationist?   I don't really know.  

I just don't want to hurt some one I care about.  I think that is what scares me the most. Who wants to inflict suffering on some one else?  

[petal130]

First things first - you obviously need to find out if you even have genital herpes. Have you ever been tested to know your herpes status? The stress link is a myth - lord, if my outbreaks were based on that, I'd constantly be having them! What symptoms are you having? If lesions, be seen asap for a swab/culture. Otherwise, you can get an IgG type specific blood test to know your current status (you know you have cold sores already, so no shock if positive for HSV1).

The STD/birth control discussion - at any age - is a two way street. Assume nothing. Both you and your partner can have an adult discussion regarding perhaps both of you getting an STD screening if neither has had it. As to herpes being a dealbreaker for a relationship, I think you are way overestimating the herpes impact. Herpes is incredibly easy to control - much more so than a person's personality, bad habits, ex-wife. If only you could control all that with a pill and condom! I'm in my 40's and single, and have dated. I've yet to have a partner that it's been an issue for - out of all the things that can cause a relationship to go south, I never worry about it being my herpes. Most people are willing to become educated (I know I wasn't educated about herpes until I became positive just a few years ago).

So really, you are fearing something that logically isn't worth fearing until you know your herpes status! And even if positive, lord knows dating isn't easy, but don't overestimate the herpes impact - it's a pesky skin condition. Someone who really likes you (and vice versa) will most certainly overlook herpes, in the scheme of things.