I don't know what to think

Hi, I'm new to this but I've been feeling really low so I wanted to post.

A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with genital warts but all the doctor did was examine my vagina and cervix. I have not yet been tested for HPV so I'm not entirely sure if I have it, I'm going back to the doctors next week.
Last week, I engaged in sexual activity with a friend while I had these warts, but it was just mutual masturbation which I though at the time meant there was no possible way he could get the warts. I thought they could only be transmitted through genitals, not through hands. It wasn't until the next day when it occurred to me that I may have done something wrong that I checked the internet and found out I could have given them to him. I've now told him he may have HPV but it doesn't seem like he's taken it seriously and there's no possible way to know, I just feel like I can't live with myself now for being so stupid. Another thing is that I feel like he forced me into the sexual contact, cause he wouldnt stop touching me even when I said no. So I don't really know if this is my fault or not. I just feel like such a bad person for being so stupid and I feel quite suicidal. I can't live knowing that if he has it he might give it to someone else and they might get cancer. I don't know what to do.

[vandykd3]

Relax, you should do some research on this site for a bit and you'll see that the actions you engaged in are low risk for him having been infected.  Keep in mind you are in the beginning of dealing with this so your response is going to be on the extreme end until you get more used to having HPV.  Realize that most HPV infections will be fought off by your body within two years maximum and if you've gone three to six months without another outbreak you can begin to consider yourself out of the woods.  Don't worry about that dude.  You might be advised to take a temporary break from genital to genital contact for a while and don't let any one go down on you until you feel out of the woods.  Feel lucky that you have HPV and not HSV or HIV because that stuff affects you for life.  HPV will not last forever so understand your anxiety and self hating will lesson and go away.  Good luck.

[TotalIdiot]

Hey,

Thanks so much for your help, you've made me feel much better. I just feel bad that I didn't tell him I had it but at the same time I didn't think there was a risk. I feel so stupid. I should never have done that. I'm very religious as well and I feel like god will never forgive me for what I've done. I know it was a mistake, but maybe the consequences of it are too big for it to be classified as a mistake. And now somehow I feel like it's my responsibility to make him care about it and take it seriously but is there any point if there's no way he can find out for sure? I know what I did was wrong and I know I can't change it now, I just feel so terrible. But like my flatmate has said, looking back on things is like having 20 20 vision. At the time I never had a perfect vision of what I was doing. I just wish my doctor had told me more about it, he didn't tell me anything at all so I just went with what I thought.

[vandykd3]

Well, I would quit worry about that guy.  Mutual masturbation is pretty low risk behavior and I'm sure the "Ask An Expert" forum would tell you the same thing.  Feeling really really bad about this is almost 100% normal and the self loathing and shoulda-woulda-coulda's are par for the course.   As for being religious, don't you think this is God's time to shine in his infinite love and mercy and forgiveness? After all, that's what grace is all about.  It's religion that's making you feel guilty.  Not God.  Remember that.  Also remember that this is going to be a temporary set back for you and that is it.  Continue to search this site, especially the expert forums to help you cope in tough times.  Cheers

[TotalIdiot]

Thank you so much, you've made me feel a lot better. Yeah, I made a mistake, and I'm gonna try my best to be a better person from now on. God loves everyone and I'm sure he will forgive me in time. All that worries me is that the guy is gonna contact me and tell me he has warts but hopeully it wont come to that. I will search this site for more information to try to ease my mind.

I can't thank you enough.

[vandykd3]

:)   Cheers then.  One last thing though.  Do yourself a favor and brush up on your theology.  God has already forgiven you.  It's you who will have to forgive yourself in time.  There is a big difference.  Forgiveness isn't contingent on time but rather the place your heart is in for God.  For you, it's easily time based.  Work on knowing God has forgiven you already, then concentrate on what I consider even more important, namely forgiving yourself.  You can do it.  Have compassion on your self Idiot!  :)